Hellobee Boards

Yeah I was disappointed, and I'm usually pretty chill about it. My husband had to round at the hospital and so I didn't get to sleep in and had to make breakfast and get the kids ready for the day (and for a long road trip) as usual. My husband was also sick and we spent over 3 hours in the car visiting our mothers. The visits were nice but I didn't get to relax or anything. My idea of mother's day is spending time with my family, but I also like feeling celebrated - maybe not have to do dishes, or deal totally with the daily schlep....which didn't happen since my husband had to work the morning and then my husband wasn't feeling well at night. We got takeout for dinner so I didn't have to cook. I got cards from my husband and kids, but that's it. I told him I was a little disappointed with the day.

As a kid I'd hate holidays like this, because my mom would expect my dad to make some sort of effort in advance to do something nice for her, and inevitably it would fall short. He'd get the kind of flowers she had told him a zillion times looked like funeral flowers and she hated, or something she felt just didn't reflect her taste at all, or he would forget about it til the last moment. Then they'd fight. I'm sure it was just other issues in their relationship and her general dissatisfaction with her life - and how different it was than what she'd imagined - bubbling to the surface. It made days that could have, at least in theory, been nice family days kind of suck for everyone. As kids, we were pretty tuned into our parents mood...

I think she did eventually come to regret this, once we were grown and had left the house. One year, my dad got her "funeral flowers" (again) and she got mad and just dumped then out of the pot into the backyard, thinking they would just wither and die. They took root and grew wild in the back garden and were really gorgeous, I think she saw it as kind of a metaphor for everything...

I'm not a mom yet (still in TTC mode here), but my DH is not a big holiday person at all (gifts are definitely not one of his love languages) so I already have zero expectations. As long as things are good in general the other 364 days of year... I'm working on keeping low expectations around holidays, as I want them to be fun family times and not times our frustrations and disappointments surface... I know, easier said than done, but I'm trying...

@HappyBaker: totally where I'm at, too! I kept seeing all these mommy blogger posts like "Mother's day - brunch me I the f-ing face" complaining about how awful the idea of Mother's Day brunch is because it's not relaxing or fun for mom. They really turned me off I guess because I see the day as a time to celebrate how lucky I am to have my kids and be able to be a mom and care less about celebrating myself. Maybe it's because I just hate the high expectations and pressure I always felt were placed on me with my own mother (who I now have a very strained relationship with), but I just don't want anyone else to feel that way about having to celebrate me. I know DH and DD appreciate me, that's all I really need!

I think asking for a card and flowers isn't too much. I didn't get flowers, but didn't care because I get those on other occasions. I did make requests from DH this year. I requested he make breakfast and to watch DS while I had lunch with my mom. He took LO to go see his mom. He made an arts and crafts project for me from DS while at his moms. Yes he was terrible at going to sleep last night and I've been up since 4. I did make requests, but I'm happy that I planned my day. I had a pretty perfect day. While I planned my day DH did some extra special things. I don't think it's too hard to ask for a little effort. What would you do for him on Father's Day? I hope that you still enjoyed your time with DS and next year is better.

Slightly--I literally told him that all I wanted was a card, and for him to not nap yesterday. He did wake up with the kids at 5:45 am, then napped on the couch while DS watched 2 shows (that's fine) while i fed DD (so I slept in til 7, yay!), and then DH napped in bed for 2 hours while I was with DS and DD napped. Was kinda pissed about that. And he didn't go out and get a card until he woke up from his nap. But he also picked up some books and treats for me. And then we spent a lovely day outside all together. SO it was a good day.

I was really explicit about what I wanted, and I kept the bar somewhat low. I said I wanted to sleep in, eat cinnamon rolls for breakfast, have chicken pot pie for dinner, and I wanted to plan for brunch at a fancy restaurant later in the year (I am in first tri right now and queasy most days, so I wanted to wait until I could enjoy food a little more before having a fancy meal). DH checked off everything on my list and threw in some flowers and a card that he picked out with LO at the grocery store that morning. So I ended up being pretty happy with my day!

In the past, I've asked him to surprise me and it hasn't worked out as well. I've discovered that being really clear about what I want on holidays has worked out best for us.

It had it's ups and downs for sure....DH did get what I asked for (a new fitbit) but forgot the cards at work and didn't really do much else the remainder of the day. I was super tired because DD was up before 5am (so I was as well) and then DS kept coming into the bedroom while I was trying to take a nap. We did end up going out to dinner, but the kids were a disaster, so it was pretty stressful for all of us. The evening ended with a nice walk and playing in the yard, so that was great. I know I should've just told DH what I wanted to do but I am always hopeful that he will just do it himself. (sigh)

IF you look at a lot of what the PP said they were hoping for, its not like "I wanted a spa day and then jewels and then a 4 course meal prepared by DH", its usually just that they were hoping for a card with a special message or something else pretty simple! I think everyone here is very happy to be mothers, and no one sounds materialistic or high maintenance! I also think that its something to post on here to vent, much better than bubbling it up inside and blowing up at our husbands! Just offering some perspective.

I really focused on being thankful for my mother this year. Like the good old days.
The first few years after having LO, my attitude was like What about Me? I'm a MOM now!!! I especially was looking for a kudos from my mom and DH. I wasn't too disappointed because I got some stuff but it was so small I can't even remember what it is anymore. Suffice is to say, I'm glad I have my mom.....and I am super grateful I have my kid. Thought it was interesting a lot of people on my FB posted about themselves being moms instead of what they are grateful about their own moms.

I was let down. I told DH I wanted some type of DIY craft from him and DD, that's all. I expected something like a crafty picture frame with a picture of us in it or something with her hand or footprints on it. I got a card that she scribbled in and that was it. I felt like there was no effort. Other than that we had a nice day going out to brunch, etc. but I was really sad the one thing I asked for I didn't get.

This thread has a lot of great insights! I'm not a mom yet so this holiday doesn't really apply (hopefully by next year...) - beyond appreciating my own mom - but whenever it does, if it ever does, I'm definitely applying the being direct in advance + low expectations strategy, along with some of the other insights. Sorry for those who had a disappointing day, that sounds really frustrating...

This was our first mother's day and DW did great. She got me a DY initial necklace with our son's initial BUT she knew I had liked it in the past. She doesnt really go out on a limb with any surprises ever and I am ok with that! I got her a stack of books she wanted - maybe not too romantic but it works for us. I agree that you really do have to just ask ...
ETA: We spent the actual day traveling through the Atlanta airport so that was of course not my choice!!!! Haha.

I wasn't disappointed, but also didn't leave anything up to DH. I planned a trip to the Zoo Saturday, planned brunch with my mom/family Sunday, and DH asked what I wanted, which was a hanging flower I picked out, and for him to hang our outdoor swing, as well as for him to take a few pics of me and DS. He did take us out for supper which was a bonus.

Based on most of pp's responses as well, being direct is the way to go. I can get where new dad's especially might not get that they should make it a special day.

@JenGirl: Thats a really great idea!

Do any of you think that social media plays a part in this disappointment? Does it make it harder to have a low key holiday when you see other people with very visible and elaborate celebrations on FB or other places?

Honestly, I didn't grow up in a family where most holidays were a big deal. I think on mother's day growing up, we would typically when we kids were a bit older, we would do "breakfast in bed", but my dad had no part in that. I think we would literally do cereal, toast, and orange juice on a tray and bring it to mom. And the rest of the day was a normal day. Father's day would be similar. No elaborate/expensive gifts, no whole days devoted to special activities, our parents didn't lie in bed all day, expecting us to do everything.

And yet, I admit that because of social media...or maybe general commercialism/consumerism, I would totally feel a twinge of disappointment if I had that same exact kind of day! I actually hate it and wish I actually had low expectations (not a passive aggressive low expectation where I want a certain thing like a card and will be pissed if I get something that isn't that exactly).

But even being off Social media--you can't totally escape it. My town was chock-full of people clearly out celebrating mother's day--walking in extended family groups with the women holding flowers, lines out the door at brunch places.

It's interesting.

@Miss Ariel: I don't know if the heart I typed before shows you since I typed your name.

@Anagram: yes- I do think so. We always got together with family for Mother's Day and Father's Day but it was just a day about spending time with family. Not about gifts and extravagant outings!

@Miss Ariel: That would make me sad too. I'm sorry. My half-brother (and quite a few others) posted about his mom even after she passed away. My cousin's mom passed away when she was 6 and worked through the day and doesn't talk about it. I don't think she is just not wanting to celebrate ME as a mother just because she doesn't want to come to our family party. I think she's dealing in her own way with her mom's loss.

It makes me realize how a lot of people celebrate Mother's Day differently and it's not personal. There are also different ways husbands honor their mother vs. their own wives that are mothers. Some husbands might think, you're not my mother-you're my wife. Oh boy! Gotta wait til the kids grow up a little more and they start doing cute things for you and make you forget about wanting something from DH. Remember, Father's Day is around the corner!!

Not my first, but last mother's day (DS was 2.5, LO2 was due in a month), I got nothing... Not a card, a flower, a drawing, barely an acknowledgement. He had "planned on it," and then "wasn't feeling well." I was pretty damn upset (and perhaps hormonal, but I still think I was rightfully upset.) He made up for it with my birthday, but we did have a long talk about how I need to see that there was some effort/thought put into the day (just something "made" by LO would be plenty).

This year wasn't great since ILs were visiting, but he did get up with the baby, and gave me a little bit of time off and a nice gift. He is also planning a "make-up" day where we'll spend time just the four of us and have a picnic or something, so he did well, considering.

@MamaG: DH usually does really well with holidays. Much better than me, usually. And he's done better in the past - my first mother's day with DS he insisted on getting me a Coach watch, which I thought was over the top, but I loved it. So it stung a little for him to want to celebrate his sister, and my mom, and yet not even want to do brunch for me.

I should've spoken up and said what I'd really like is brunch. I've been craving something at Cheesecake Factory and I should have said so. But DH is really big on saving money right now, and when I floated the idea and he wasn't going for it, I let it go because I felt guilty about the cost.

@ShootingStar: I'm sorry.