Like, from being needed so much? My DD (15 months) needs me all the time. I think it's great on one hand (the part of me that will treasure this years down the road,) but, mostly, I feel suffocated and sometimes a little resentful. Like, I just want to be left alone sometimes. I don't constantly want a baby in my arms, be nursing, or cried at. Sometimes work is a relief. 
Please tell me I am not alone.
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Yes. 100%. This is a big reason we stopped at 2 kids. I don't handle the absolute dependency of babies very well. Now that they are 3.5 and almost 6 life is finally getting easier on that front.
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@ilovepie: Yes! This is so "me." I want to enjoy the baby phase, but I don't really. It's not ppd or ppa, I just start feeling "cagey." I love being a mother, especially to my 4 year old. It is so so fun...the shared experiences, seeing his personality, letting him be independent. But I don't really like being a caretaker. It's way too taxing for me (and I teach 7th grade haha.) We also stopped at 2 and I am more and more convinced this was right for us even though I have always romanticized the thought of a 3rd. I wish I had more of that "treasure-every-moment" personality, but I don't and making myself feel guilty about its absence helps one bit.
Anyway, thanks for the commiseration and welcome to hellobee.
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@crazydoglady: while everyone else wants their babies to stay little forever, I've loved watching my kids grow up and get more independent! At least with #2 you're more aware that the clingyness will be over eventually. My two really started playing well together when the youngest was close to 2. Now they have some mornings where all I do is break up occasional fights!
ETA: old user under a new name, but thanks! I was an idiot when I created an account years ago and finally changed my name because I like it here and want to keep posting with better anonymity.
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@ilovepie: That sounds amazing! DS and DD are great together, but it's definitely more of "playing with the baby."
I see! Well, welcome back!
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Yes! Having a young child is HARD! It does get easier and better but I still want everyone to leave me alone for 20-30 minutes a day. When you are the one who makes sure everyone has what they need it's like you are never "off". It is constant obligations and anyone who says they enjoy every moment of parenting is lying or has lots of grandparent support close by.
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My kids are 3 and 5 and yeah, sometimes. It doesn’t help that they’re not great at entertaining themselves, especially the 5 year old - my life feels like a never ending stream of “will you chase me? Will you play Beyblades with me? I’m thirsty. I want somebody to read me a book.” It feels like the only way to get a break is to put the tv on and then I feel guilty about screen time.
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I’m with you! I’m with my toddler (16m) 24/7 (plus the older ones) and don’t get much help from dh who works alllll the time. She is LOUD if she doesn’t get what she wants which is pretty much being held all the time, so I’m pretty much holding her or listening to her cry!
But like you said I can definitely see the big picture also. My oldest is a month from 8 and can basically take care of herself and it’s great but bittersweet to see her get too old for all the little kid things - we’ve been in that stage so long. So that helps me cherish my cuddles with the baby BUT I will definitely be relieved if she does a little mother’s day out next year to give me a few hours alone (we tried and failed this fall because SHE NEEDS MAMA!!!!!!) -
If by suffocated you mean the thought of being home with 2 kids makes you want to crawl out of your skin, then yes.
So I realized like 3 months ago I am a better, happier mom and human if I'm away from my kids for 2-3 hours a day. I do everything in my power to make this happen with grandmas and preschool. Instead of feeling guilty, I realized its what I need to do legitimately to survive this SAH period. I'm mostly a SAHM failure. (I'm back to work in a month so this is short-lived but still)
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100%. And I know they are exceptionally precious right now but it’s a lot. It is a big reason I’m going back to work early from mat leave for surprise #3. People, especially the older male partners I work for, tend to find this really hard to comprehend but esp because I love my work I just find the break and the handing over of responsibility to be a huge relief (even though also stressful for its own reasons).
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Yep! My kids are 5,3,1 and I stay home. Someone is always touching me.
@erinbaderin: my 5 year old boy is the same. And really like... “mom can I wear these mitts? No? Why. But I am. Ok mom? These ones because... blah blah”
Like just make a decision without asking me if you do not even listen to my opinion! Drives me a bit bonkers -
Yep! I feel this way too. It’s one of many reasons I feel good about being a WOHM and I don’t mind when I have to take work trips away from the kids. I’ve also realized that since having my own kids I have almost no desire to hold someone else’s baby. I’m sure it’ll change again when mine are older, but for now the break is nice
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My kids aren't clingy at all but I just really miss setting my own agenda or having a day to myself. Like, I've been home for 6 hours today and 4-5(!!) Of that has been spent cleaning, when all I wanted to do was sit on my ass, watch Netflix, grade, and lesson plan. Like I legit WANT to do my job.
The sunday night after Thanksgiving break, I was actually looking forward to going back to work. 8th graders can be way more fun and easier than toddlers, turns out.
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Yes, for sure. I SAH with my 4.5 yo, 22 month old, and 5 month old (who is nursing). Since the 4 yo doesn't nap anymore most days I am with at least one kid from 6am to 9pm. It's hard. I try to make sure he has some "quiet time" in his room while the other two nap in the afternoon so I can get at least 20-30 minutes by myself. The month old won't nap for more than a half hour either and it's just exhausting and suffocating sometimes. I get very "touched out" by the end of the day and when we go to bed if my husband wants to cuddle (let alone DTD) I basically recoil. I spend the whole day basically with someone clinging to me and when I go to bed I want to be left alone.
I think that makes me sound terrible, but I love spending time with my kids...it's just hard when ALL of them are this little and I don't get much of a break.
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@LadyDi: Similar situation here. I like staying at home and I love my husband but by the end of the day I don’t want to be touched. AT ALL.
It’s been tricky to navigate with DH, but I know things will improve eventually as the baby gets older. I just feel so much guilt in the meantime.
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@LadyDi: Ugh, me too - I just need personal space by the end of the day. It’s also a problem with our cats, who basically get no attention, because the kids go to bed and they come out looking for pets and I just don’t have it in me to give anybody else any attention, human or feline.
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My kids have had mandatory 2 hour "nap" time forever and it saves my sanity. We've had rough patches enforcing it especially when they stopped sleeping, but now they are very good about it. I think my 5 year old may be a bit of an introvert and it helps him reset too.
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@ilovepie: what are your rules for their “nap”? Do they stay in their room to play? I have trouble enforcing this for my 4yo for longer than 30-40 minutes. And during that time he inevitably has to go to the bathroom (which he can do by himself but always tells me about), is thirsty, or comes out of his room with things he has to tell me.
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@LadyDi: @Aria: @erinbaderin: I WOH, but still often feel this way about being touched. I'm pregnant and have a clingy toddler who still LOVES to nurse - it's a struggle to get him off the boob - so often feel like I'm being tugged and pulled at both from the outside and inside. I think it's really important for my relationship with DH to have physical affection because it's a key way that both of us communicate, but over the past few months frequently I just can't handle being touched anymore by the end of the day!
@crazydoglady: My son is approaching 2 now, and after months of steady increase in clinginess, knock on wood, it seems to be getting a little better. Hang in there, and do what you need to do to preserve sanity. If you don't have family nearby to help, would a babysitter/mother's helper on either Sat or Sun morning some weekends be an option to get some much deserved alone time?
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DD is five so in a lot of ways this has gotten better but I still find it hard because I am basically her playmate at home. When she was little I would get touched out and now I get talked out. She is just constantly talking to me or narrating her every move and I just really miss silence.
@LadyDi: My DD still naps 50% of the time but if she isn’t sleeping she still has to be in her room for two hours each afternoon. She can leave her room to go to the bathroom but has to go right back to her room. She can take a water bottle to her room with her. And I will refill it once if she drinks it all, then she has to wait. We cycle which quiet (ish) toys are in her room. Right now her box of magnatiles and her dollhouse are there. Sometimes it’s the trains and tracks or a box of dolls with accessories. That way she doesn’t get bored. She can also look at books. We have been debating getting her an echo dot to listen to music or podcasts but haven’t found it necessary yet. We both benefit from the down time.
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Definitely not alone. I love my 5 month old so much but when I'm not at work she's with me 100% of the time. She cries when I walk away and won't sleep anywhere but right next to me. I know it's just a phase and one day she'll want my husband (my 3.5 year old does most of the time) but it doesn't make it any easier. I just want to sit on the couch by myself with a glass of wine.
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Yes! My kids (2 and 5) are on me all the time when I'm home. I tell them I want to sit down and relax, and they both pile on top of me to 'relax' too, lol. Love them to pieces but it's tough being needed non-stop; and then when they finally go to bed, DH want's attention!
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@josina: this is my biggest problem, I’m so touched out I’m never alone and I just want to be left alone when the kids are in bed then my husband wants attention! Which I know he and our relationship need but damn I just want to be alone!
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For sure. Esp when they nurse too and you're literally the only person that can do that job. Both my girls are total mama's girls. DH can spend an hour browsing on his phone because the girls just want me to read to them, me to play with them, etc haha. But I also learned to shove them to him more. DD1 became more balanced with parental preference after DD2 was born; so I'm hoping DD2 will continue to balance herself out once DS3 is born.
But it has also gotten better now that the girls are 5 and 3; they can play alone for a pretty long time sometimes.
I have a love-hate relationship with it haha. I love that they need me so much, esp when I think about when they get older they won't! But sometimes I'm also like CAN'T I JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PEACE!!
@gotkimchi: @josina: Totally this too! I think the only way I haven't gone insane is b/c I work and mostly at my desk and not bothered by people too much
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@erinbaderin: omg this. I feel bad for my cat but like I have no time for him these days. And he is really clingy (to me only—not into other people especially my affectionate kiddos) such that if I close a door partway eg to the bathroom, he’ll open it wide open, and if I close it tightly, he’ll sit outside it and scratch on it and meow. It is honestly another whole degree of suffocation!
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@graceandjoy: lol, yes to the bathroom! Even if the door is locked DD is sitting outside the door crying because she wants in.
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@LadyDi: they can come out to go pee. 5 year old definitely wants to talk to me but I either go in my room and shut the door or just ask him to wait till after nap. I have to remind them often that nap time is supposed to be quiet time. 3 year old has a bathroom in his room so I just have to go up to wipe him sometimes.
They are allowed to take library books to their room for nap time but bring them out afterwards. I set their ok to wake clocks for two hours and when they turn green they can come out. I think having the countdown helps somehow. a few times they've really not obeyed and I reset their clocks to add 5 minutes. We've done two hours for so long it's not even a big deal, but I wouldn't start there if your kid isn't used to quiet time. Sometimes we get busy out and about and only do 1 hour. -
@nwm: @erinbaderin: yes we have 2 cats who won’t leave me alone and want to sleep on top of me. Before kids I loved them and after kids my tolerance for them is so low
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Thank you all for the commiseration. I feel guilty because it's too much sometimes even though I WOH. I told my husband last night that I feel guilty sometimes for not enjoying it more and he said, "being a great mom doesn't mean being a professional mom." That's true!
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@josina: Or if we happen to be jumping into the shower during weird times when the kids are around. They NEVER bother DH but when I take a shower they are always coming in to have like full on conversations with me!
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I often joke that my 4 year old's ideal location would be to climb into my skin. But in all seriousness, I have two needy kids who love cuddles and hugs and a lot of physical contact. My son is more snuggly but my daughter is almost aggressive in her neediness and physical touch preferences and it is really hard for me to not shy away from that. I am not a particularly touchy feely person, so I have to work pretty hard to be that for my kids.
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@graceandjoy: 90% of the time DD jumps in the shower with me.
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@graceandjoy: ha yes the bathroom! Our door has a bunch of dents from where I once locked then 1 year old ds out (he liked to come sit on my lap
) and he took a potato masher to the door in protest ...This also reminded me of an animation I can’t find now - the kids appear to be watching rain sadly out the window and then it zooms out and they’re standing there while mom showers
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@graceandjoy: @josina: @bhbee: yes, my toddler LOVES the shower (I thought little kids weren't supposed to like to shower?) and will stand there begging to come in with me
We're doing a major reno, which includes the master bath. If it ever gets done, I am fantasizing about having my husband take the kids out of the house and just relaxing there for 10 minutes in peace...
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37 weeks pregnant and ALL TOUCHED OUT RIGHT NOW.
My girls are 3 and almost 7 and obviously sensing the changes about to hit them, because they're next level needy at the moment. I'm craving a few nights of alone sleep, haha.
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@Mrs. Cereal: Speaking of.
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@crazydoglady:
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Both my boys are clingers as well as DW. I blame her genes! Even our late dog was a clinger. We joke that in our house we all occupy the same 5 square feet of space at all times. I’m definitely not a touchy feely person so I need to step away A LOT. My 5yo absolutely loves to drape himself on me at all times and loves to wrestle so I give him times when I will do that but I’ll set a timer for him and that’s it. We always do a hug/snuggle in the morning too because he needs that. He protests for more but we try to tell him about consent and physical space to encourage that. It’s getting easier as he gets older to set those boundaries. The little dude is more a clinger to DW thankfully, so when kiddos go to bed, we both have our space and then we snuggle later on together. It’s hard when they are so little and needy but I think teaching respect of space and bodies is important when they get older.
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@bhbee: Lol this meme sounds like my dog every morning, staring at me through the shower door because she wants attention and the baby isn't with me hogging it all. XD I'm like....LET ME SHOWER IN PEACE! PLEASE!
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I love this thread because being "touched out" really resonates with me and I definitely struggle with how to have it not negatively affect my relationship with DH. Another challenge I have is that both my kids are fairly clingy and snuggly, but my 5 year old is incredibly ungraceful about it. He comes to snuggle and I get elbows to the head or side, he fidgets a ton so there is constant shaking or bumping, it drives me batty. But my 2 year old is way more graceful and calm. He can gently sit next to me or in my lap with no pain or annoyance and it's usually very nice. I hate that I end up reprimanding my 5 year old all the time and telling him I need space, but I don't have to do the same with my 2 year old.
) and he took a potato masher to the door in protest ...
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