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I think people put too much pressure on themselves as stay at home moms. My priority is keeping my son happy and healthy, but I don't think I need to spend all day on Pinterest looking at crafts to do together or trying to teach him things that I think are frankly beyond his intellectual level at this point. He learns through simple things like playing with his blocks or watching other kids at the playground. And as far as cooking and cleaning, I tell my husband that my primary job is a stay at home mom, not a housekeeper. I try to stay on top of cleaning, and I do cook simple dinners, but I don't stress myself out trying to make everything look like a 1950's sitcom.

I fall under the inability to be a SAHM category. I had a 6-month maternity leave and while I was pregnant I was convinced I'd want to quit my job and become a SAHM once my maternity leave was over...nope! I was sad to leave LO at daycare but there was something so gratifying about going back to work. I was actually home with her yesterday and she watched SO much tv...it's probably best for both of us that I work!

On rare occasions I feel like a bad SAHM. Most of the time I'm quite pleased with myself. My goal is to provide lots of free play opportunities for my son. The muddier he is at the end of the day, the better I feel. The only time I feel down is when I read about moms who take their kids to so many different activities when we've only been to a few playgroups. When I remind myself of my parenting philosophy, I am usually satisfied with my parenting. Our house is not particularly tidy but I'm ok with that.

I think it's normal to feel like you're failing (or maybe just flailing) sometimes. Unless you grew up around a lot of small children or did a ton of babysitting, you probably never had much experience with them prior to having your own. The resulting transition can be pretty tough. But that just means that you're learning, not that you're not cut out to nurture your children. Everyone gets better with practice.

ETA: Also, I'd recommend that if you're feeling bad about yourself (or even if you're not) that you stop referring to yourself as a "stay at home" mom. You're not required to stay anywhere--if you want to go for a walk at 2:13pm on a Wednesday, you can go for a walk. Want to hit the beach at 10:47am on a Friday? Go for it! How about read a good book on your deck at 8:36am on Monday? No problem (but you might need to set up the LO(s) with some Legos on the ground first and do it read-aloud style). Sure, you've got sidekicks in all these pursuits, but you're a free agent.

@Greentea: Well said!

My job is seasonal and I spent the past off season as a SAHM. I was excited because I always thought I would be better as a SAHM, but I was super depressed most of the time. I thought it was just me, but when I went back to work, my quality of life improved so much. Staying at home isn't my thing, unfortunately. It's a lot of work and a lot to live up to! I felt like a failure every day.

It was a sigh of relief to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not meant to be a SAHM. I love my job and I'm good at my job. We're all happier as a family now that I'm working again.

I know being a SAHM isn't what's best for me or my daughter. She thrives in school and adores her friends and teachers. I get fulfillment from working and contributing financially for our family. Sometimes I dream of the freedom of being a SAHM (not being tied down to a daily grind/schedule, traveling to visit family whenever we feel like it, not stressing about who has to miss work for a sick kid, etc), but I know in the bigger picture it's not the best fit. And I'm ok with that.

And I agree with @sarac I think that if a SAHM isn't thriving and happy in the role then it's not the best fit for her family.

@Truth Bombs: gotta disagree with that. You can be decent as a sahp, even if it's not the best for you personally, because it's temporarily the best thing for your family. I mean I guess yeah to an extent you should be thriving but not necessarily more than you would as a wohp. That has 100% been the case for me. Would I like adult time and working? Absolutely. But financially and due to DH's work schedule, the best thing for the family overall has been for me to be at home for now. That doesn't mean I chose it because it is where I thrive the most.

@looch: my husband has definitely said this to me many times and I think I agree with him. Even though it's what I always thought I wanted and feel lucky to do it right now, I don't think I'm cut out for it in the long run.

I'm not a SAHM so I can't answer this question (yet). But I can honestly say that I thought I had "the best of both worlds" being a part-time WAHM. It has been really hard for me to balance everything and I feel like I am a full-time SAHM and a full-time working mom a lot of the time (even though that is obviously not the case - we have part-time childcare). Maybe it is my personality, but I don't "juggle" well and even though I enjoy my work, I am really looking forward to being able to SAH soon. For me, working part-time was not the magical solution I thought it would be.

Another huge thing for me is that we have struggled majorly on the childcare front for a few reasons. We have a great daycare and we are fortunate to have help from family, but we have still had a lot of challenges. I think it is hard to feel fulfilled as a working mom when in your heart you feel like your child would be happiest with you. So, to relate it back to the original question, I don't know I will feel about my "job performance" as a SAHM but I am very confident that me SAH is the best thing for our daughter.

@sarac: I really appreciate what you said about letting go of other people's expectations! I think that's huge.

@BandDmommy: yes absolutely! I'm not cut out for full-time childcare and I find solo parenting stressful. I like my job and I love the stimulation that my daughter gets at her daycare!

@2littlepumpkins: I'm with you. While that might be a nice ideal, to only do things that make you happy and thriving, that isn't always reality, and that's okay- it doesn't mean you aren't doing what is best for the family or even you. We all make sacrifices, and not everyone has the luxury to only do what makes us happy and thriving, or to even choose. Similarly, I'm sure not everyone going to work is happy and thriving, and that's okay.

@2littlepumpkins: @Greentea: I think in @BandDmommy:'s situation, she has the choice of being a SAHM or a WOHM. She doesn't have to be a SAHM because of their financial situation and she doesn't have to be a WOHM either. They can swing it both ways. She's currently a SAHM and it sounds like she's not loving it. I think she was kind of looking for support that it's totally valid for her to not love being a SAHM and that going back to work might be what's right for her family if it's what will make her happy. I don't think anyone is saying that everyone has the luxury to make this decision though. Sometimes people have to work to make ends meet. Sometimes people can't afford to work because of the costs of childcare. But when you have options, you should do what's right for your family, whether that's working or not.

@Truth Bombs: I know you didn't say that and I'm sorry to have implied you did. I'm just saying happy isn't the only thing, and not even akways the most important, which is how it often feels when people talk about how they "can't" be a SAHP or a WOHP or whatever. I'm saying you can, and you can be good at it anyway and it can be the best for your family. In *my* opinion (and if we and everyone else disagree that's ok, I just am explaining it hopefully better than before) it can often be a more complex decision than "am I happy and thriving?" I don't think making sacrifices always equals mommy matyr. We all make sacrifices for our kids by some of us make different ones than others.

@Adira: I actually don't disagree with you.

I could SAH if we had a million dollars and I could have some house cleaning help and could get fun craft supplies from Target and have gymobree memberships and could go to lunch with other mom friends. But sitting at home cleaning and going crazy with the kids, no way.

@T.H.O.U.: Don't you still have to clean your house though? I am hopeful that once I am SAH I won't always be stressed about housework because I won't be squeezing it in after work!

@LML: @lamariniere: Glad we are not alone

I mean, I wouldn't say that if someone wasn't thriving in their roll, that it isn't best. But if someone isn't happy? Man, that's sure not the best. If someone isn't happy as a stay at home parent, I believe that everyone would be happier with a different arrangement. Ideally we'd all get to work or not work or work part time exactly as we pleased - but obviously that is not reality for most people. I am thrilled to death to be a SAHM, but a small amount of work (one day a week?) would honestly make me even happier.

I also totally agree with those who have said that there is a lot of external pressure to make every day SO AWESOME. I'm really lucky to live in a place where there are enough things to do to meet that goal fairly easily. There is this bright and shiny expectation of stay at home parents that we are providing these amazing educational entertaining lives for our children every single day, and it's a lot to live up to.

I think we all have struggles no matter what our work/home situation. I think you're fortunate in that you have options and you can work towards doing what makes you feel happier. Best of luck!