Wondering how folks have approached answering a 4 year old's questions about a nativity scene (our building sets one up along with other holiday decorations), if you are not religious yourself as a family or maybe follow a different religion? Our kid doesn't even have a concept of what religion is, so I'm not sure how to approach this topic when she asks.
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I don't know. My daughter is 4 and we were at Lowe's walking past all the holiday inflatables and she was calling out what they were. "There's Mickey and Minnie! There's Olaf! There's a minion!" We got to the end of the aisle and there was an inflatable Nativity scene and she just said, "And there's...umm...some people in a house!"
I just said yep and walked on by and she didn't ask any questions.
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If you're me, you stumble through it uncomfortably while your husband stifles giggles in the corner.
Our 5 year old has a vague concept of who God is, some people believe god created everything and he watches over the world sort of thing. So we've talked about how some people celebrate Christmas as the day that Jesus was born. Some people think that Jesus is God's son and that he was sent to the world to teach people about God. I answer any follow-up questions as simply as possible with an emphasis on the "we don't really know", "some people believe" He usually loses interest pretty quickly.
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I just answer the questions with simple answers and my son is okay with it. For him, it's the equivalent of a dollhouse or a playset...I mean no disrespect to people that believe, but I just have treated it as characters in a story.
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Mine would probably think it's a kind of dollhouse... they see toys, and little nativity displays, in people's yards all the time, and they seem to think they're the same. I haven't gone into the explanations much yet.
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I tell her the truth- for some people, Christmas is a special holiday where they celebrate the birth of a special baby named Jesus. I tell her the story like any other story. He's special because he tried to help a lot of people, a long time ago.
We are not religious but celebrate advent and talk about it as a countdown/preparation/celebration of a month of darkness before the return of the light. I also set out a nativity scene and let my daughter play with it. we put it on the nature table, where we also keep small treasures she finds outside and some simple seasonal decorations (little wool elves, etc.).Generally she has been pretty accepting of the fact that people celebrate lots of different things. and in many different ways.
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We have had to have religious discussion in my (atheist) home (due to a VERY religious daycare classmate who has filled my DS in on all the workings of Jesus). Anything religion related my go to is to say that “some people believe that X is true, but Mommy believes that it’s just a story like the ones I read you at bedtime”. It works for us. So for the nativity scene I would say “some people believe that God sent Jesus to earth to help the people and he was born in kind of like a barn, Mommy thinks it’s just a story though, but some people celebrate that birth as the reason for Christmas and that’s why they put up those decorations”
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This may not totally apply, since we (very loosely) practice a religion and have holidays we celebrate....but we are Jewish and celebrate Hanukkah, so this comes up a lot in December! We say a lot of "some families believe X and celebrate Y. Other families, like ours, believe A and celebrate B. And some other families do different things!!"
DS is 3 and really into how things are the same and different - so we usually launch into a game of comparing things where he tells me how people are the same and different. eg: DS and his friend are the same because they love to ride bikes together, but are different because they celebrate different holidays at home.
ETA: at this age, for a nativity, I would keep it very fact-based but general. "Those are people who had a baby in a barn. That's why the animals are with them. For some families, that display is part of how they celebrate Christmas."
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I would take the same approach as for answering questions about sex, or death, or other difficult topics: answer the question truthfully, but only answer the specific question that is asked. Don't overwhelm them with a long explanation that goes way beyond the scope of their question. Let them digest what you told them, and they can always come back to you later on to ask more.
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this is a little off-topic and I don't mean to thread jack, but just curious @MsMini: --do you think it would be problematic if your line was more like "some people believe x, but y is what we know is true" vs the "but mommy believes y"? I can see why the way you present it is really digestible and innocuous and then you don't have a three-year-old running around telling everyone pointedly that they're wrong
but I also can't imagine giving my kid the option to believe things that I strongly believe are untrue. Also really not interested in offending our lovely family/friends who are religious. Why do you do it this way?
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@LCTBQE: I think saying your version of beliefs is “true” but other peoples isn’t is just as problematic as the religious counterpoint. It sets your child up to do exactly what you’re wanting to avoid- offend religious friends and mock them for being wrong. I think ultimately the way you choose to live your life and display your belief system as the ‘correct’ one will hopefully aid your child in deciding that that is what they also believe, but at a certain point our kids get to choose what brings them the most comfort and makes the most sense, just like we did.
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Well all historical records indicate Jesus was a real person, so you can say a long time ago there was a man named Jesus and there is a story about when he was born. Jesus’ mommy Mary and Daddy Joseph were traveling and got stuck at a farm and the Baby Jesus was born there. So here he is at the farm with all his animal friends.
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I am a non religious person living in the south with her conservative Christian in laws sooo I run up against this kind of thing a lot. What we’ve decided is that a lot of these questions are totally innocuous and at this age they aren’t looking for philosophical answers. saying “some people believe x, daddy and I believe y” and these are just stories seems to be fine for our 3.5yo. Ultimately as they age we provide the context for them to make decisions, so If they live in a household where science based/non religious ideals are displayed that is what will stick. They’ll learn just like you that people celebrate Christmas all kinds of ways and some are more jesusy than others, which is totally okay.
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@LCTBQE: I do it this way partially because my DH is agnostic so we aren’t perfectly in line in our beliefs. Also I did want my kids to have the option to be informed and develop their own opinions/beliefs in the future. I was raised Catholic but my parents let us explore and ask lots of questions with an open dialogue and it made my transition to atheist really easy on me and I hope I could do that for my kids.
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I’m an atheist and DH is agnostic. I would say something about we celebrate Christmas because a long time ago a baby named Jesus was born. And point out that the scene is the mommy and daddy and baby and other people that are excited the baby was born.
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We use a similar approach to @Silva: and @gingerbebe: we focus on historical Jesus as a person who helped others; which we try to do as well. We also have talked about how "in the old days" babies were not born in hospitals and Jesus' parents were traveling so they had him where they were at.
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@LCTBQE: I agree with @cookiemomster: that yes, that would be problematic. As an agnostic, one of the main problems I have with organized religion is believers' presentation of what they believe as fact. To present my beliefs about faith as fact would be hypocritical.
"I also can't imagine giving my kid the option to believe things that I strongly believe are untrue." Isn't this the same thing that a deeply religious parent would say about allowing his or her child to explore another religion (or lack thereof)?
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@lady baltimore: agreed.
To be clear, I AM a devout Christian so my kids get like the full on Jesus experience, but my example above is based on how I handle every other story or thing in life with my 39 month old.
What’s that? The Easter bunny.
What’s that? Eggs with candy in it.
Why the bunny have eggs? The story is that he hides treats for kids and you go find them and it’s fun.What’s that? Santa Claus.
What is that? Reindeer.
Why does he have presents? Well there was once a nice man named St. Nicolas and he did nice things for people, like kids, and gave gifts. Some people think he has magic and flies around carrying the toys with his deer. So that’s Santa, and his toys, and his deer. -
We aren't super religious but mil is. She got us the playmobil nativity set. Our daughter thought Mary was the tooth fairy. We went with it.
I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I'll explain it next Christmas. -
@Littlebit7: our lo goes to a church pre-K and Sunday school and she said hey I know that guy (Jesus)! It’s the cyclops from bubble guppies
lol I can only imagine the stuff the teachers hear
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We are really not religious but send LOs to preK at a church so they do learn a bit about it. I know there is the Little People nativity set in the classroom. So far we just go with the history side of it that Christmas is a birthday celebration for Jesus, similar to how the 4th of July is America's birthday celebration. Even being in a church school, the questions are minimal. Last year my then 4 year old came home with an art project that looked like a birthday cake and when I asked if one of his classmates had a birthday he said no it was just for some baby. It was an Advent wreath.
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@LCTBQE: While in general I would really like to promote tolerance, I personally would want to draw the line between what's a religious belief and what can be addressed with science (even if some people might see it a a religious belief), and would also draw a line at some religious beliefs that are either sufficiently unsettling to kids or sufficiently in contrast with our core moral principles that I wouldn't be comfortable with "some people believe this, other people believe that." I grew up in a community that was very anti-science, and have a lot of relatives that are still like this. The view is either you believe the earth is 6000 years old or you are going to hell, and it's seen as a litmus test of whether you're a real Christian. In their view, it is a question of faith. If they try to tell my kid that the earth is 6,000 years old, which seems likely enough to happen at some point, then I will explain that some people believe that but we have this thing called science that we can use to examine whether our beliefs are consistent with what we observe. There's also religious beliefs that can't be spoken to empirically but the possibility that they could be true can be very upsetting to children or in contrast with another family's core moral principles. Where I grew up, people are really into hell. My mom teaches kindergarten and had one kid tell the rest of the class that if they believed in Santa, they would all go to hell (complete with fiery description), central to this kid's religion is a prohibition on secular holidays. I don't have an issue at all with "some people believe this, others believe that" when it comes to the nativity scene, but other cases I don't know this is the most appropriate response and I'm sure there can be a grey zone that depends on your own core beliefs.
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@gingerbebe: Agreed. I am a believer in Jesus Christ so our LO will understand and know the story of the Savior too. I would present it in a similar way! As the grow make it age appropriate!
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Even as a religious person, I struggle explaining it to my toddler as well. I have Jewish, Baptist, agnostic and atheist extended family, so we really try to teach the same line of 'we believe A but others believe B'.
Honestly, my son right now is content with 'Jesus was an important person so we celebrate when he was born' and I'll stick with that for a while haha!
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@MsMini: @cookiemomster: @codeitall: @periwinklebee: @gingerbebe: thank you all for sharing your approach and thoughts on this--people on HB are so informed and sensible and thoughtful, I really appreciate being a part of this group. My husband and I were both very troubled by religion and spirituality growing up and we do have a lot of thinking to do regarding how we talk to our kids about the role of religion in life--that's why I asked MsMini about why she parents this way.
However @lady baltimore: I still get tripped up over this: I don't see how naming as and presenting something you believe as a fact, if it is also scientifically irrefutable (then is it not fact?), makes you akin to someone religious who's so closed off they won't consider another point of view. And, if that fact deeply conflicts with the mythology and tenets of a faith, doesn't it inadvertently inform your belief about that faith? Aren't we sure enough of ourselves to be able to draw a line for our children and say that something IS fact, ever, even if it conflicts with religion?
For instance, my husband's parents believe that Jesus rose from the dead. No, I can't imagine every allowing my child to believe that people can rise from the dead, no matter how special, magnetic, enlightened, or fundamentally good he was--and I am sure Jesus was all of those things. I think periwinklebee explained this well and with more sensitivity than I'm capable. Why would it make someone who dislikes religious totalitarianism a hypocrite to close the door on the matter and conclude: no, people don't rise from the dead, this does not happen. I don't mean to pick on Christianity, the stuff I was told growing up was a very different religion and makes most people's jaws drop before they start howling with laughter.
Hope I didn't misunderstand you or sound defensive--really.
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Since my husband is hindu (not a super practicing one) and since I was raised super-conservative-evangelical Christian (but am agnostic now), we tend to get a lot of gifts from in-laws promoting each religion, plus of course our kids go to preschool and daycare, so they are exposed to a lot of other people's beliefs.
In short, these things come up a lot. Right now, I haven't even gone into "Some people believe", I just tell the story. My kids know who Ganesha is, for instance. And my mother gave them the Little People nativity set. I guess we do treat it all as different stories , and at this age, my kids don't know the different between Cinderella, Ganesha, and Jesus. I know up till 5 years old is the age of "magical thinking", so I haven't tried to introduce what is real or not yet.
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The question of religion and beliefs has come up recently with our 4 year old. He goes to an international school, so his classmates celebrate a wide variety of religions. I was raised Catholic and my husband Jewish, but we no longer believe. After trying to explain belief systems, ny son decided he has his own beliefs. They're based upon him "not believing in broccoli" 🤣
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@Anagram: It's funny you say that because I was thinking the same thing. My daughter goes to a religious preschool and they are going HARD on Jesus right now.
I'd say we are not particularly religious at this point in our lives, but I was raised Christian and I'm not opposed to her learning about the Bible, God, Jesus, and so forth at all. All that to say, I honestly don't think she distinguishes between the religious Christmas story and other Christmas stories like Santa, Elf on the Shelf, Frosty, etc. It is all fantastical to her and seems to carry equal weight of "realness" and significance in her mind this Christmas, at 4 years old. This year it actually made sense to me why some people don't do Santa for religious reasons.
So, I don't think you actually need to go out of your way to clarify that someone believe this but you don't, or that it's not real at all, @Mrs. Carrot, because at 4 it's all halfway real anyway. I'd just give simple answers like you would another character, since that's how you view it.
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@LCTBQE: I think perhaps the difference is that, as an agnostic (not an atheist), I believe that I do not (and cannot) know if there is something beyond the world that I can perceive. I will tell my daughter (if she asks) that Jesus was a historical figure of whom there is evidence, but that most of the stories currently told about him are myths. I would explain most religions similarly (historical fiction, essentially). I don't believe in an afterlife because I don't have any evidence to support that belief, and I know that the stories told about the afterlife were made up by humans, but I don't think that precludes the possibility of something existing beyond our understanding. So while we are a science- and fact-based household, I feel more comfortable saying "we don't know" rather than "absolutely not" when asked a question that science does not answer.
I just said yep and walked on by and she didn't ask any questions.
but I also can't imagine giving my kid the option to believe things that I strongly believe are untrue. Also really not interested in offending our lovely family/friends who are religious. Why do you do it this way?
I'd say we are not particularly religious at this point in our lives, but I was raised Christian and I'm not opposed to her learning about the Bible, God, Jesus, and so forth at all. Reply
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