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What time do you normally eat? If it's usually 6, say to the inlaws next time "sure! Why don't you come over for dessert. We should be done with dinner at 6:30, so anytime after that is fine." You'll just have to make sure you have ice cream on hand for an easy dessert.

What does your DH have to say? Do they help with the kids /spend quality time or do you feel like you are serving them and taking care of the kids. How often does this happen?

I think you should find something else to do on the 4th if you don't want to host.

I would agree in that you need to perfect your, "I'm just not feeling up to it tonight. We have xyz going on and I'm not feeling well."

For the times that you do say yes, ask for something specific. "Would you like to stay for dinner? Would you mind bringing a side of xyz?"

For 4th of July, I love @Anagram's response. Just because they ask you to host doesn't mean you have to accept.

@psw27: I like this response! I used to be awful about making up excuses, but the problem is that my pushy relatives will just argue with my excuses or try to come up with solutions for them. There is no arguing with, "Tonight doesn't work for us."

@aprild: I know what you mean. My family has always done things one way, so it took me a while to get used to my in-laws way of doing things. My parents almost never invite themselves over and when they do, they offer to bring food (or make it) and they always ask well in advance (like over a week). My in-laws are more last-minute people like yours.

@aprild: how would you feel about setting up a weekly standing dinner with them. Say every Sunday or every Wednesday. That way they can come over but since its planned it wont be as stressful.

Your husband needs to step up... They are his parents! And he should be helping you more too... Maybe he is but the way you said it sounds like he just sits with his parents while you cook and clean. Bad situation either way! You need help!

@aprild: That is totally nuts--with the 52 weeks of dinners, just no.

I guess I'm spoiled, but when my mom or my in-laws come to visit us (they both live far away), it's like a break for me because they do SO MUCH around the house.

My MIL will cook every single meal, and my mom will help with whatever I decide to make (instead of taking the reigns) but will also randomly clean and organize stuff, which I actually appreciate!

For the family members that require lots of work on our end, I have no issues saying no. I also try to proactively make plans out in the future so I'm not as blindsided by their request and have an easy out if they do try "Oh no, today is no good for us, but looking forward to seeing you for X that we already have planned"

As long as I feel like I'm in some kind of control of the situation, it really helps with the anxiety/resentment.

You and your husband have to set your own boundaries. Be kind but unapologetic. It's not unreasonable to expect some give and take. I've played nice with in-laws who are either totally MIA from our day-to-day or assuming we will lavishly treat on our time and dollar, on the rare occasion they want to spend time, together. Got to the point where it wasn't really worth the exhaustion and hurt feelings. We finally had to explain what is and is not feasible, logistically and financially, and ask that they put forth some effort, too.

Something simple like, "We love having the opportunity to see you guys so often, but weeknights are tough for us, and will only get more challenging when the baby comes. Why don't we try to get together for Sunday night dinner, twice a month? It'd be really awesome and helpful if we could switch who hosts. I'm sure the kids would love the change of scenery!"

Maybe they don't even know that they're causing you stress, and just need a gentle nudge to be more helpful.

I would just feed the toddler and wait until they leave to have my own dinner. Or, just say sure would you mind picking up food for us on the way?!

I'd just tell them exactly what you want them to bring for dinner so it doesn't put so much extra burden on you.

Oh you guys want to come for dinner? Great, well you can bring X and Y to go with what I'm making.

@aprild: you have no idea how much I commiserate with you!! We literally host my ILs and BIL and his GF every single weekend. No one hardly ever offers to host and I was raised to not invite myself over to someone else's house! It's tiring to be honest. I understand they think it's helpful that we don't have to pack up the girls, which it is. But hosting all the time is tiring and expensive. We literally buy 90% of the groceries and do 90% of the prep and 80% of the cleanup. My ILs typically show up like 30m before dinner and are gone within 20m after dinner. I'm literally home with the girls all the time and tell them they can come over whenever to spend more time with them. But they do not. If we don't offer to host then one or the other will text DH to ask him what's going on for this weekend? What can we bring? They automatically assume we're hosting! DH can not say no. but I so understand it's much easier to tell someone else to say no than to say no yourself.
Even when I was pregnant and home with a toddler it was the same. No one ever thought to bring us a meal. Rather they came over and expected there to be a meal cooked. Even on days where DH had to work right up till dinner time. At least DH will just say we'll grab takeout but again the only person working has to stop on the way home to grab dinner. No one offers to go grab it and bring it over.
There are lots of other factors in play but after Father's Day we're going to take a break from hosting. We're just tired of it all. If people ask we're going to say we're busy with house projects - which we are. It's incredibly frustrating to host and people don't offer to even help clean up most of the time. They only contribute when they want to.
Some of it does fall on DH because they usually communicate with him so he needs to speak up when they talk to him. He has definitely gotten better over the years though.

I feel like scheduling is the way to go, once a week, same night. This way you can plan ahead. No one is saying it's got to be Beef Wellington-level meals every time, you can do a lot of simple things and it would really up your karma points, I think.

We don't have any family nearby to face this issue. But I do know my mom used to have a standing date with my sister and her son every Wednesday while my BIL went bowling. They always came to my Mom's house and they did a variety of things, with my Mom often bearing most of the expense.

I think a planned repetitive date works well. Keep the meals simple and manageable. If they aren't pleased with what you serve, that might motivate them to host at their home or contribute more.

I know take-out can get costly, but heck if it's really about the time spent together they should be okay with pizza or subway.

Oh this makes me cranky. Your inlaws sound so unappreciative! Please tell me they do dishes. Haven't read all comments but you should definitely reply with a few of these...

can you grab a few pizzas on the way?
Let's meet at a restaurant tonight
Orrrrr
Sorry! Not a good night. Let's get together next week!

1) how rude
2) "tonight isn't good"
3) "sure you can come over. Will you bring X?" Where X=salad, beer, whatever