For those with complicated parent/in law/grandparent relationships, how do you explain those complicated dynamics to kids when they are old enough to ask?
Specifically, how do you explain why there is minimal or limited contact with a certain relative?
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@bamblm: have they asked or are you just trying to be proactive? Have they expressed a desire to spend more time with these people? Or is it possible this person is instigating behind your back?
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@youboots: I am trying to be more proactive. It's more like a flaky grandparent. I personally have had a lifetime relationship with them and know to temper my expectations, but my kids don't. Boiled down, here's an example: they will say they will visit I am not surprised when they flake out because "something came up" last minute. My solution here is to never tell the kids about the potential visit in the first place. But when they speak to the kids directly, grandparent promises trips and visits and gifts that I know 90% will never happen. It's an exercise in futility to address directly with the actual adult in this situation, so I am left with discussing this with my children.
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@bamblm: boo I'm sorry. DH was given endless grand promises and very little follow through.
Yeah I vote it's just a surprise whenever they actually show up.
Can you ask them to make less promises directly to the kids?
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. False promises are so disappointing
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So I'm not sure this is the best way to handle it, but I call both sets of grandparents out in the moment in front of my kids. My parents live a short plane ride away and for a variety of reasons that I won't go into, do not visit and will not ever visit. Despite that, when my 3 yo asks on FaceTime when they are coming to her house, my mom always say, "soon" or my dad will say, "we'll do XYZ the next time I'm at your house." I now immediately interject and say, (LO), grandma/grandpa is just being silly, they are not coming to visit." That way, she has zero expectation that it is something that may actually happen. I will also say to my parents immediately thereafter "don't make promises you know you aren't keeping" (but you may not be ready for that level of bitterness
). If my daughter asks why they don't visit, I will be honest and say, I don't know why...that's the choice that they have made. We also see my in laws every 3 months or so and my MIL has a weird habit of telling my daughter "ok, I'll see you tomorrow" whenever we leave. I have no idea why but I always correct her and say (in front of my LO), no nana, we won't see you tomorrow, we'll see you next time or in a few months or whatever. Anyway, that's a super long way of saying that I manage my kid's expectations without regard for other people's feelings.
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My grandpa is like this. When I was a kid, he talked about visiting a lot more than he actually did. There was always some mention of a big family vacation with everyone or coming up to visit us for more than a couple days, or invitations to come stay with them during the summer. My parents were always very upfront with us, and told us that even though all of those things would be great, they might not work out. They didn't talk badly about our grandpa, but made it clear that just because he wanted to do something or said that he would, didn't mean it would happen.
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@youboots: ugh I know. Unfortunately asking them to change their behavior won't and hasn't worked.
@Madison43: Omg yes, I will totally get bitter in an adults only conversation, I guess I have been trying to shield the kids from the dynamics. But it is at the point now where I think they should know what's up because kids >>>> other peoples feelings.
@LindsayLou: Thank you so much - I think these are the words I am looking for right now.
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@Madison43: this is so practical and honest and respectful to your kids and is something I never would have thought of--thank you for sharing
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@bamblm: yeah, so the tone I use in front of my kids is waaaayyyyy different than the tone I use in an adults only conversation. When kids are there, my tone is super calm, neutral and matter of fact. I say it in the same way I would say "of course the sky is not pink, that's silly." But she's only 3, so that works for now..
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@bamblm: As we got older, they did explain more in depth that he's not the most reliable person, and often doesn't follow through. but when we were little, they kept explanations as simple and clear as possible.
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Following as I have this problem with my mother, who lives about an hour away (and works 20 minutes away from us so really has no excuse). My in laws live across the country and they've spent more time with my daughter than my own parents have.
No advice except to echo what other posters have said -- my plan to maintain expectations when my kid(s) get older is to say "it would be nice to see grandma and grandpa more often, but sometimes things come up so we will see." Luckily my ILs visit fairly often so it's easy to redirect my daughter right now.
I just had a breakdown with my DH because my mom chose to spend Easter with her sibling's grandkids instead of her own granddaughter, and then harassed me for pictures because she "missed her granddaughter so much!!!" DH and I agreed it's time to have (yet another) discussion regarding our relationship with my parents and expectations. So...yeah, we'll see how that goes and if things get better this time (we've done this before and things were okay for a month or so, and then they slipped back to normal). I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with LO2, AND hoping we can get something figured out before baby arrives and we go into the major holiday season.
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I'm going to be as positive as possible. Little kids shouldn't be privy to adult problems.
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@LCTBQE: thank you so much
@agold: agree, but I think she's asking how to prevent an adult problem from affecting her kids?
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@bamblm: Yeah this is my family. My son. Is pretty young so we don't have to do any serious explanations right now, but DH and I have agreed that we will say something like "Grandpa/Grandma get so excited to see you that they say they want to do things with you before they check their schedule. Silly Grandpa is so forgetful! Just like Mommy and Daddy have to check the calendar to see if we have work or school or activities before we go somewhere, Grandpa/Grandma has to check too. So I'm not sure tomorrow is going to work, but Mommy will talk to Grandpa later and try to find a better time okay?"
Once my son gets to an age where he will for real get upset or hurt or can't be distracted into another activity, I will deep lay down the law. I will not mince words that they are literally hurting my child by their flakiness and I will not allow it. Which means if they can't keep promises, then don't make them. And if they can't keep themselves from making empty promises they will not speak to him. Period. At that point, if I have to cut them out, I will have a frank discussion about my kid about it.
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@Madison43: @LindsayLou: @helloperidot: @gingerbebe: thank you guys so much for sharing. It seems so simple-just be honest. It is also very helpful to know we are not the only family in this situation. I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this too. I guess I just get a little mama bear about someone messing with my kids this way.
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@bamblm I think it makes a really big difference to know other people go through these same struggles with their parents/families. For a long time I would look at my friends and think why do they get to have normal relationships and I have to deal with this crap? And then we started sharing war stories and it was like oh, man...totally not alone on this. So don't feel like you are, either! We're here for you too!
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Just be direct and honest in a developmentally appropriate way. I won't blind my kids to my mothers bad behavior. She doesn't deserve it and they don't deserve to be told a false narrative about her only to figure it out down the line. My daughter is 3 and has started asking if my mom can come sleep at our house. When a simple no doesn't satisfy her, I have no issue saying because she hasn't been very nice to mommy. I don't lie to my kids.
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I'm estranged from my father. We haven't had contact in 10 years and even then, I was the one that initiated it. DD will grow up not knowing about him, except for his name in the family tree. I wouldn't have it any other way because he's not someone I want her to know. She's almost 5 and surprisingly, she's never asked. Probably because she knows her other grandparents so well. I'm not sure what to tell her whenever she does. I don't want to lie and say he's passed away. But explaining it is too complex for a young child.
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@bamblm: My paternal grandmother was like this. I explicitly remember her promising to buy us a swing set for the backyard, diamond earrings, and a trip to Paris. I did not ask for any of this. All three wound up being deemed too expensive for follow through. My parents bought the swingset -- which honestly got a lot of use -- and the other two things never happened. (Well, now that I am almost 40 I have been to Paris and own a pair of diamond earrings, but neither of those had anything to do with my grandmother.)
I never had a great relationship with any of my grandparents for a variety of reasons. This was one, but not a major factor. I got over my disappointment, and I learned that Grandma's promises were not reliable.
I guess my point is... is this a great dynamic? No. Is it going to scar your child for life? Probably not.
). If my daughter asks why they don't visit, I will be honest and say, I don't know why...that's the choice that they have made. We also see my in laws every 3 months or so and my MIL has a weird habit of telling my daughter "ok, I'll see you tomorrow" whenever we leave. I have no idea why but I always correct her and say (in front of my LO), no nana, we won't see you tomorrow, we'll see you next time or in a few months or whatever. Anyway, that's a super long way of saying that I manage my kid's expectations without regard for other people's feelings.
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