As in my other post (http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/what-was-coming-home-with-baby-like) DH and I have been talking a lot about the period when you come home as a new family. I was saying that in the first few weeks, esp. while he is out on paternity leave, I want him to get up with me every time the baby gets up, change his diaper, pass him to me to feed, and then we all go back to bed. DH said wouldn't it just make more sense for me to do the diaper since I'll already be up and he could do more diapers during the day--I was like um...no. I explained that it would be very overwhelming to be the only person on night duty and that a) it would be good to have the emotional support and b) if he did diapers, I could be slightly better rested just feeding since I wouldn't have to get out of bed compared to if I got out bed to diaper change AND feed. How did you handle it? Did you and your SO discuss it beforehand, and if so, when the time came did you handle it the way you thought you would? I should note, he genuinely thought it would be better for at least one parent to be more well-rested--I don't think he was trying to shirk responsibility.
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I change Sadie in bed (she sleeps in the RNP beside the bed). I keep some diapers and wipes on my nightstand since I change her before all of her feedings. I do all nighttime duty now that Dan is back to work, but during his week off he did a few night changing/feedings. I never woke him when it was my turn, and he never woke me when it was his turn. It didn't make sense for us to both be up... rest is so sparse these days, one of us should be getting it whenever we can!
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DH used to get up with me, but not anymore. I kind of felt like there's no point in both of us being up. Now, LO tends to take a 45 minute nap after her 7am-ish feeding, and DH will get up with her while I sleep until she needs to eat around 10. It works for us. In the beginning we were both definitely up more with her together.
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For the first week or two, DH got up and did diapers, then brought the baby to me and I fed her in bed. Initially, then he got out of bed again to put her back to bed. I had a c-section, and our bed is pretty high, so getting in and out of bed wasn't easy for me. I also needed some help with getting set up to nurse, and the moral support during! Now, a couple weeks later and with him back at work, I do most of the overnight duty: diapers and feeding, both in her room rather than ours. If after feeding and a diaper she's still fussing, he'll get up and take over, walking her and rocking her back to sleep.
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We switched shifts the first week - I would get up, nurse him (took a good 40 minutes), then DH would get up and rock him back to sleep while I went back to bed. Once my husband went back to work after a week, I did about 80% of the night-time wakings on my own just because I could sneak in some naps during the day and obviously my husband couldn't at work.
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We got up together. In fact we still do both get up now even tho my son is almost 5 months. My DH would change his diaper and I would get set up to nurse in the glider (I hadn't figured out how to nurse in bed yet). I would nurse him and my DH would lay on the floor then my DH would swaddle him back up and we'd transfer him back to where ever he was sleeping. It's nice. It felt like we're both in this together. Plus sometimes it would take up to 2 hours to get the baby back to sleep so it didn't feel so lonely since we were doing it together. We never discussed this before the baby was born.
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No. I didn't see the point in us both being up and tired. DS and I slept downstairs with everything we needed within reach. DH helped with diaper changes etc during the day, but he had the new daddy I'm-going-to-break-the-baby fears and wasn't comfortable flying solo for a long time. We adjusted together and my sleep pattern adjusted to meet baby (I used to feel nauseous without a full 8+ hours, now I can function on none).
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I've always done all the night wakings alone.. It just seemed like there was no point us both being so tired and I breastfeed so DH couldn't really do much. I stopped doing night diaper changes AGES ago.. I'm too lazy to do anything other than feed her now : )
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DH would change all diapers, I did all feedings. I needed his help latching DD at first, and if both kids needed feeding at the same time, I couldn't position them both and then burp whoever was done first without help. Now, DH will feed/diaper DD when she gets up, I'll feed/diaper DS. It was really nice to have the support, and I didn't really have the chance to look over at his sleeping mug an get all resentful that he was sleeping and I was running on 45 minutes. DH had the same I'm-going-to-break-the-baby fears taht Anmanan15's DH had, but I absolutely could not have done it on my own.
I would suggest you try it one way other the other, and then if you think you should switch, try it. DH and I have been through MANY different night time coping scenarios, and we're constantly adapting it to fit our needs and the needs of the kiddos.
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Well, for the first month we both got up because my LO wasn't breastfeeding yet so DH would give a bottle (or whatever system we were using at the time) while I pumped. Sometimes I'd do a feeding on my own then pump after if DH was really out of it. After my LO started breastfeeding, DH still got up to put LO back in his crib. I didn't feel bad about waking him up because he'd fall back asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow (and because DH was totally ok with it). We kept this up until LO was 4.5 months.
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For the first week, I agree with @Meganmp that I just needed help with positioning. Once I was comfortable feeding, I did most night waking myself, until we started night weaning and DH could handle just soothing the little guy without any milk.
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While DH was on paternity leave we both got up. He got her out of the pnp and we both changed her, I fed her, and then he put her back down for the first couple of weeks.
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No, I did most night shifts, but that meant that my husband took more day shifts during paternity leave so I could catch some naps. Not too hard to snuggle a baby while playing video games. Anytime I wanted a break I just said, "tag you're it" and he took over any time of the day or night.
We had to supplement too, so most of our routine was I nursed, gave him the baby and he gave the supplement bottle while I pumped (I stopped night pumping after a few weeks, sleep was more important to me). Lather, rinse, repeat in a couple hours, times a million. Super overwhelming, but we just took it one feeding at a time. It got much easier by 8 weeks pp.
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LO got bottles from the start, so our setup was different due to the fact I wasn't biologically needed every 2 hours. We took nights 50/50; we broke the night in two and took shifts. Whoever was on shift changed diapers and fed LO and stayed with her in the living room; the other got dedicated sleep in the bedroom. This way, we both got sleep and duties were 50/50 so no one felt burdened.
Even if I had bf, I would have expected my husband to get up with me at the beginning. It's stressful work caring for a newborn, and there is no reason why moms have to do it alone.
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No. He only had 3 days of paid paternity leave bookended onto a weekend. We co-slept, and kept the changing stuff by the bed so it was easy enough to change him and then settle us both down to side-nurse. If I would have shaken and poked and prodded him he would have helped, it was a decision I made. And honestly, having witnessed DH sleep through the crying without stirring I could have him back to sleep in the time it would take DH to get up and change him.
Now that he's older and is in his own crib he helps more at night, though, and in the mornings. If he wakes up first (and it'll wake him up now) he'll change him and cuddle with him and then bring him to me to nurse. I think I appreciate it more now....those first few weeks I was majorly sleep-deprived but was pretty constantly running on adrenaline. Now it's starting to catch up with me, so I'm seriously grateful for the extra bits of sleep it gives me.
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The hubs got up with me when he was on paternity leave, but once the leave ended, I got up by myself (I was still on maternity leave, and now I work from home).
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My husband has sleep problems so I did/do all the night feeds/changes on my own. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I did. If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him to get up with me sometimes for moral support, but if he's well rested, maybe that will allow you to get a nap in during the day?
I changed LO in bed sometimes and stopped changing her at night when she no longer was pooping at night. No diaper rash yet.
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I had a C-sec so the first 2 weeks we both got up nearly every time. When I was still on my pain meds, I didn't easily wake, so my husband would change LO and then wake me to feed her.
Also, I had a lot of trouble getting up from bed so DH would help me up, but I did all of the diapers and feeding alone (he would zonk out as soon as I was sitting up).
After a few weeks, we didn't end up doing too many diaper changes in the middle of the night because LO didn't poop at night and she didn't seem to mind wet diapers (I think the disposable ones we used were quite absorbent).
I didn't think there was any point to us both being tired. By him sleeping more at night, it meant that I could potentially sleep in, in the mornings. He could also take better care of us if he was more well rested.
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We both got up together for the first few weeks. DH would help me get settled and then depending on if the nursing session was going poorly or well he could go back to sleep or not. When I was struggling with getting her latched and SO tired it was amazingly nice to have the support.
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In the beginning we both got up, but DH started falling asleep mid feedings/diaper changes earlier and earlier til it was only me getting up or we took turns.
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DH used to change Lo's diaper and bring her to me so I could BF her. If he was working early the next day, though, I'd get up and do the diaper change & feed.
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DH was home for the first week and we both got up then but once he went back to work after that it's just been me. I actually like just doing it myself- it seems like less of a production and goes pretty fast.
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DH had to get up with me because I couldn't move. It took me a few minutes just to sit up in bed, let alone get up, get LO and sit back down, then put her back in bed. It was a painful first few weeks. DH would change her diaper while I attempted up sit.
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I was lucky that DH was home for a month. He got up with me while he was off...He would change her and help me get set up, bring me snacks and drinks, and sat with me for moral support. I really needed him with me so I didn't feel as overwhelmed or alone. I had a c section so it was great to get his help in moving around.
Now, he doesn't get up. She's much more efficient, goes back down pretty easily, and I'm more experienced with the whole process.
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I want to add that the most important for us was (is) communication. We were still both getting up every time when DH went back to work, and after the first week of that, he said to me "this isn't working. Can we try something else?" That ability to keep trying different approaches--and talk about them--has been key.
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We've fallen into a routine now when baby wakes I wake DH (lol) and he changes the diaper and brings him to me to feed. Honestly, he pretty much stumbles through it for all of 3 minutes in his sleep then falls back asleep immediately. Whereas I have 45+ minutes of nursing and then have to deal with getting baby to fall/stay back asleep (though he's getting better at that as he grows older). The past few days though he's had few to no BMs at night so I haven't bothered waking DH and now nurse one side, quickly check his diaper, if he needs a change do it myself, then nurse the other side to sleep. I don't bother with pee changes at night as long as he's not already irritated.
I have no idea how we'll do this when I return to work. I have regular hours (8-5) and will have to get up at the crack of dawn to get DS ready for daycare and me ready for the day, but DH works irregular hours, lots of nights, and is up late. But bf'ing, there's not much he can do for night feedings anyway. I guess he could deal with getting DS back to sleep once I've nursed but it seems easier just for me to do that. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
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I did all night stuff most of the time since I was up already an then on weekends he would bring him in to eat and the. Handle the rest. So two nights "off" for me and decent sleep for him during the week. Works great for us!
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for the first few weeks we both woke up with him. then we started in shifts. i'd go to bed about 9 and DH would stay with him/wake with him until 12-1am. then i was on duty until then. it worked for us.
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@Running Elley: this!
It's almost easier to just do everything myself, especially since I just have to nurse him. Once we stopped changing diapers in the MOTN, there wasn't much for DH to do...plus, LO goes right back to sleep very easily (THANK GOODNESS)--if he were tough to get to sleep, it might be a different story. I also (sometimes!) kind of like those quiet MOTN moments where it's just me and LO. Not when there have been lke 3 of them already, lol, but sometimes it's nice!
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Nope, like others have said, it was easier for me to do it on my own. Plus, he isn't really great on little sleep and I was running on adrenaline so, it was MUCH easier for me to get up and do everything than it was for me to ask him to help out. Now a days, he helps. When she gets up at night, we don't change her diaper but he brings her to me to eat when she wakes in the middle of the night. It's a good compromise, He gets her, I feed her and put her back in her crib.
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We've talked about how, for the first weeks, at least, he's going to get up with me and help me. After we get the hang of things, I don't expect him to get up every single time, every night with us, but he also knows and expects that he's not going to get a solid 8 hours of sleep and/or be well rested for work.
We have talked about doing shifts...I go to sleep at 7pm and he stays up with the baby until 10 or 11pm and feeds her (i want to start pumping right away) and then brings her to bed when he goes to bed. Right now, we go to bed at 9pm, and we both know it's unrealistic. He gets up for work at 4:40, so he'll be tired, for sure! We're also going to cosleep, and I don't think he'll sleep through a crying baby. He wakes up when I get up to use the bathroom!
And he knows how I feel about him sleeping in another room unless he has something massively important at work going on or he's sick. It's not to be a regular occurrence because I don't think it's right.
All bets are off when I go back to work. We'll have to come up with a 50/50 system.
Anyways, that's the plan!
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For the first week DH had to help me sit up and brought me the baby (I had a c-section). After that its been all me. LO is EBF and we don't change her in the MOTN so there really isn't anything for him to do. On the weekends he'll take her after her morning feed so I can get an extra hour or two of sleep.
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Stayed w my mom, so nope, he didn't. My mom helped me. I had to supplement, so while I was breastfeeding the kids, shed make up the formula. Then she's the best, she would clean the bottle and at that point, sterilize them. No way my hubby would have done it. I think it's helpful to have someone help you.... Maybe your mom? But if you both are up, you will both be exhausted during the day.
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The first two weeks we were up together. Then my mom stayed with us and helped me with night duty and I also got a few nights of sleep when I started pumping. DH had random days where he'd get up, but we were both very lucky to have my mom around. The first couple of weeks though, nothing is a pattern and we were both up trying to figure out what he needed.
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DH would get up if I needed him but it was and still is pretty much all me since we are BF. like others, I felt that it was kind of pointless for him to get up ! Even though I though that I totally was resentful of how much sleep he was getting !!!
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Well unfortuantely DH only had a weeks paternity leave and that was the week we were in the hospital/NICU. So he was back to work when we got home. I got up during the nights alone for diaper changes/feedings/ect. unless I was having a bad night or just exhausted and he would switch off iwth me and let me sleep. (I was pumping and bottle feeding from the beginning so he wasable to do this.) He also was in charge on weekend so I could sleep in, or I could pump while he feed and changed her.
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We do shifts since Lo takes a bottle. I stay up until 12-1. Dh does the 3-4 feeding. I do the early morning. At the moment we are actually taking lo downstairs to the nursery during th night which I don't live, but it helps the other person sleep. I would prob die if he didn't do that one feeding! I need way more sleep than he does and it's really hard to make it up during the day. I need to keep practicing!
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LO is EBF. The first week or two, DH got up with me at every feeding (he would change diapers, I would nurse, one of us would get LO back to sleep). LO was a terrible sleeper, and it took a little while for me to get comfortable doing the routine by myself.
After a week or two, we'd split the night. I'd take the first part of the night and keep the baby monitor by me. When LO woke up I'd change her, feed her, and put her back to bed. In the middle of the night, I'd put the baby monitor by DH. When LO woke up in the second part of the night, he'd get her up, change her, I'd nurse her, and he'd put her back to bed. This way I'd get a little bit more sleep too.
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Night duty has always been my domain, outside of the first few days we were all home together. It's partially because he's working and partially because of his sleeping habits (difficulty waking at night + can't nap during the day). He has and does help on the few occasions I've roused him though.
@coacheswife123: Sometimes I totally resent the hours of continuous sleep my DH gets as well!
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You bet. I was still breastfeeding/pumping at that point, so I would BF one baby while DH bottle fed the other.
We eventually, (after maybe 1-2 weeks), got to the point where I would pump enough for them to both bottle feed overnight. That way, DH and I could trade off feedings.
There is absolutely no way I could have done it without DH's help. There still isn't, really. He is still the one to get up for any wakings that happen after 2-3am, while I handle the anything prior to that.
Like meganmp, we have had many plans for night wakings. Our system is constantly evolving as they inch closer and closer to STTN.
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