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I was worried about this since some of my family members are strong and strict Catholics. I guess my relationship with them is not super close so I didn't have to tell exactly what we are doing. Also, there's also a language barrier (I'm Vietnamese) so I luckily didn't have to mention IVF or what was actually done. I kept things vague, but did mention roughly how much we've spent to get pregnant. For me, i've kept IVF a secret to people I didn't think would approve. Sad, I know, but I would rather keep them in the dark then have an argument over it.

It is sad that people feel this way. If they knew what it felt to go through countless failed fertility treatments, I would think they would change their tune. I put them in the same category as people who don't understand IF. Some people will never understand the choices we have to make. Maybe I don't like conflict and am a people pleaser but I haven't had success in changing people's views.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Sending you lots of hugs. For me, I would gradually talk less and less about fertility issues with them. You don't need this extra stress and conflict.

Wow, that's so awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of the emotions that come with TTC and IF.

Sending good thoughts your way!

@Amorini: DH knows I'm upset over it, and recognizes that his parents sometimes don't have any filter (when they have a few glasses of wine). We've agreed to keep our ivf process between us from now on, I guess it's not really anyone's business but ours. It would be nice to have support though!

@Amorini: if they are just re establishing their relationship, then I can see his hesitancy. However, they apparently need very strong and firm boundaries. Especially with this! It's entirely ludicrous they would show anything but love and respect for you.

@Amorini: so sorry you're dealing with this, ugh. I find it to be especially ridiculous when people act all judgey even though they have no idea what it's like to be in that situation.

My dad is extremely Catholic and doesn't approve of our decision to do ivf or donor eggs. Early on he sent me some articles that talked about why the Catholic Church is against it and then went on to tell me that "it only takes one egg for a baby, just be patient." Although I think he was trying to come from a helpful place (in his mind) I ended up calling him and telling him how much it upset me. I mentioned that I didn't give a sh$t what the church thought about it (in my opinion the Catholic Church needs to update their stances on a number of different issues).

I also pointed out that it's really easy for him to say all those things because he never struggled to have a child....he never had to deal with the heartbreak. I told him if anything positive can come from my IF probs, it would be to make him more open minded. He didn't have a lot to say after that. My mom (who is also very Catholic) was soooo pissed when she found out about his email. She has been much more supportive.

I just wanted to add that I'm definitely team "speak your mind"....I think being passive about it just makes the other person think they're convincing you with their bs perspectives.

Ugh, I can't believe you have to deal with this crap.

@Amorini: there may not be a way to bow out gracefully and keep the relationship 100% intact. I hate that we feel we have to tip toe around and be polite to people that aren't showing the same amount of compassion with us.

Sometimes, less is more, and that might be true in this case. You may not be able to rely on them for support, and it may be better for your mental health to keep them in the dark.

@Amorini: good luck with this, let me know if you need to vent more!!!

@Amorini: you are most certainly not alone. We are here for you!

@Amorini: Ditto @crystal!

@Amorini: we didn't even tell my dad about IVF, I just never felt like he needed to know and it wasn't a religious issue. DH is not close to his family (step dad and wife) but he will not just write them off. I think it's just too big and permanent. So my best advice would be to keep them out of it and play nice. As long as they are thousands of miles away, they can't have too much impact...u less it's really bothering your DH.

@Amorini: oh, rant away! You definitely have a reason to. I do also have to say that I'm very vocal on social media about my IUIs and IVF so my friends and family do know about our IF journey. Luckily, some of my catholic friends haven't said anything discouraging. It's mainly mom and my aunt that would not approve if they found out what IVF was and what it entails. So I'm all for IF awareness but I do keep some people in the dark. I wouldn't say that my relationship with my parents as normal. My parents had an intervention type discussion when my sister got married in a non catholic setting. They pretty much demanded that she get married again in the Catholic Church at a later date. She agreed just to get them off her back. My sister is now married for 7 years now and I don't think my mom or aunt mentioned the catholic wedding part again. So my sister's advice to me was to keep them in the dark until it happened and they'll eventually get over it. That's how my dysfunctional family works.

As for marriage counseling, I think it might help. DH and I went to marriage counseling about a year into our IF struggle. A lot of it was unresolved issues with his mom and our wedding. Sadly, the drama I had with my MIL with my wedding was way worse than the issues I had with my family. (Maybe that's why I didn't want conflict with my family because I was already struggling with the MIL.) So we saw a marriage counselor. It was a lot of him supporting his wife (me) over his mom (attachment issues). There were also communication issues that we had to resolve as well. So I think it's a good idea to get on the same page now. My marriage is so much stronger than it was before. It really made the rest of our IF journey much more bearable.

Background: DH and I TTCed for 3 years, during which we had 2 losses and I had a surgery for a brain tumor which was affecting my hormones and ability to stay pregnant. Once we sought out the REs after my brain surgery, it turned out we had huge MF issues that would essentially require IVF with ICSI too. We were waiting on my period to get an HSG when I miraculously got pregnant and now have an almost 1 year old son.

Whats a little different about us is that DH and I are devout Christians and so are both of our families, with mine being a lot more strict than his. While we don't have official Catholic church theology/doctrines to worry about, our families were quite resistant to the idea of IVF when we brought our issues to their attention.

I can't really answer all of your questions since ultimately we didn't go through IVF, but here's what we did. We talked to them in person. We just told them that we had, as a family, made a decision to get diagnostic testing with the fertility specialists and this is what we found. So we are looking into proceeding with IVF if necessary, although we have not ruled out adoption either. We are praying about both. When my parents gave us pushback (on both adoption AND IVF), I did get heated with them. I told them I wasn't really asking their opinion and that this conversation was over. And then my husband and I left to cool off.

When we told his folks, it wasn't quite as heated (they are much more polite/passive aggressive people), but we got roundabout comments about how difficult adopted children can be and how IVF kids have all sorts of defects and problems. DH basically said the same thing I said to my folks, but said "thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter."

DH and I usually speak to our respective parents when it comes to serious stuff like this, but we try to always both be in the room when we're talking. If its on the phone, the other person usually just sits nearby for moral support. This gives us the confidence to speak our minds and gives the opposite party the physical reminder that we are a united front. We also always speak in terms of "we" or "our family."

Because we come from a Christian background, we do understand the discomfort people have about IVF on certain issues. So we were prepared to engage them in civil discussions about specific issues related to IF treatments. For instance, there is a common argument that you are "playing God." Our response is that God is ultimately sovereign, so if we feel peace about pursuing IVF and we become pregnant, then God is allowing us to conceive in that context. If we go through IVF and it doesn't work, then that is God's answer. In short, God is still God. With regards to leftover embryos or blastocysts, we personally would never have those destroyed because we believe those are lives too. So we would either try to have them implanted in the future or allow them to be adopted. We would not terminate or reduce any children based on the same idea.

We were in agreement on those issues and were ready to share our position, but it never came up. Our parents were just opposed. Period. No specific reason given, they were just not about it. It wasn't natural, etc.

I think if we had pursued IVF we would have just told them "we're doing IVF" and then let them deal with it however they were going to deal with. Its not really my job to control how they feel or convince them that they're wrong. Its just my job to be informed and make the right decision for my family and be ready to explain my position if it comes up. And to choose the path that gave MY household peace and calm. I don't want to deal with anger and hostility.

So I think it makes sense you guys chose to share your decision to do IVF with his parents, but I don't think you have an obligation to listen to their position if it makes you upset. And if I were in your shoes, I would probably say just that to your in-laws. "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns. However, this is the decision we've decided is right for our family. You're allowed to have your opinion, but we don't have to listen to it and let ourselves get hurt over it. So understand that this is happening and if you have a problem with it, keep it to yourself and don't you DARE say anything to my future children about it. Otherwise, you will not have a relationship with us because I will not allow my family to have disharmony and hurt come to it."

Anyone who dared question our use of IVF would have copped a right earful from me. How DARE people judge you/make comments on YOUR choices- particularly when they are choices that you are not making lightly, or because you want to be making it!

Personally? I would just stop. Stop all communication, do what you & your partner want to do, and they can do what they like. If it comes down to them not having anything to do with your family, good luck to them. It's their loss.

@Amorini: That's right - it's all about YOU guys. For what it's worth, my hubby & his folks are fairly strict Catholics - practising, etc. When we were told our option of IVF for children, I was concerned about their thoughts - but they never questioned us for a moment. In their eyes, family was more important - and how we got to that family, well, that was our own path to decide.

I think at the very least, your DH has to stop responding to these articles positively. "Thanks for the information" may feel dismissive to him, but to his family it probably sounds like he appreciates it. If he doesn't feel comfortable responding with "We have made our decision, please stop sending these" then he should at least ignore them and not respond at all.

I REALLY don't understand people who think that God wants you to be infertile, but not that God wanted scientists to figure out a way to help couples have children. Would your in-laws not get chemotherapy if one of them had cancer because God wanted them to die?