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@ShootingStar: & @wonderstruck: Totally agree!
@Amorini: I think having a united front, but it coming from DH is the best approach. If anything, letting them know that their opinion on the matter isn't welcome and the articles need to stop is key. I think going to counseling will help tremendously. It's not at all the same situation, but I recently cut ties with my mother over her inappropriate opinions on my life and sought out counseling to help with it. Even if your DH doesn't have any plans to cut them out, seeing someone will help both of you deal with the situation and have that united front that you're looking for. Your DH will understand what he needs to do in order to not perpetuate the behavior and you'll feel more supported by him.
It's sad to think that there are people out there with views like this. It's such an emotional and difficult situation as it is without unsupportive family offering unsolicited advice.
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@erinbaderin: @2PeasinaPod: @wonderstruck: @mrsgreengrass:
Thank you so much for these thoughts. I agree with so much of them. And the situation is evolving ... messy, but moving in the right direction. There will be a strong, clear response (probably by DH with me clearly involved) and counseling this week. Nothing like family and marital crisis to make things happen!
An interesting (sad) thing DH said this morning was that he had been focusing on the one and only "positive" thing his dad said ("I support whatever you do, but...), without realizing that those words of support are meaningless in context with all of the anti crap that followed it (the worst of the worst). I know it seems so obvious to us, but that's how blinded the human heart can get in unhealthy relationships. You keep hanging onto them, hoping they'll improve.... throwing your wife and hoped-for kids under the bus... Well, some of us need to do a little more work than others in that department.
Warm hugs to everyone who mentioned they've had to tear away from unhealthy family. Never easy, no matter how necessary.
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@Amorini: That word..."but" is so hurtful. He clearly doesn't support whatever he decides to do if the word "but" follows. It's like saying, "No offense, but..." Just because you start with "No offense" doesn't mean that you can say whatever you want to after the "but."
I do feel for your DH. It doesn't matter how strained the relationship was/is with his dad, he's still his dad. You spend your whole life trying to gain the approval and support of a parent only for them to continually let you down in that department, and that's something that is really hard to accept. At least it was for me. I had to be at peace with the fact that nothing I ever do in my life will ever be good enough for my mom, and I'll never have her approval or support. It's a terribly sad realization, but a counselor will help him slowly come to terms with that.
Sending lots of love
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Oh man, that's sad. Clearly he doesn't realize that the "but" invalidates everything that comes before. The sentence should sound like this: "I support whatever you do." FULL STOP.
I feel for you - my husband's family is horrible (in a different way, but horrible) and it's hard for me, because they're not my family, to really understand why he doesn't just cut them off. They add no value to our life, they only take and cause problems, it seems like a no brainer - but they're his family.
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I've been thinking about this thread all night. I really hope that you can come to a resolution with your ILs, as it seems like your DH still wants to have a relationship with them, and you for sure don't deserve to be hurt or treated unfairly in any way.
I don't know if this helps or not, but I come from a very Catholic family, and I'm pretty sure most of them would be somewhat anti-IVF, if we ever needed to pursue that road. However, I would hope that they, and your in-laws as well, would still love your child no matter what. I think the grieving in my family would come from any unused embryos, not the child in front of them.
That doesn't negate them being nasty, but maybe if you can shut down this line of conversation, they can keep their mouth shut and focus on what you both hope for-a child to love.
All
and to you on your journey!!
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@erinbaderin: So I wanted to respond to your question. In terms of the Catholic Church and their 'traditional' teachings (from my pre-martial marriage classes), the Catholic Church is more concerned about taking medications like birth control and fertility meds that interfere with being 'one' with your husband when conceiving a child. Pretty much they don't want you to be under the influence. They want you to conceive 'naturally' I guess. I've taken some form of birth control since I was 17 so I'm not a devout catholic and follow everything Catholics are supposed to do. So when it comes to your question about cancer and chemotherapy drugs, that's not an issue. At least, from what I am aware of. Catholics aren't anti medication. There could be personal reasons on why someone might be but its not because our religion tells us to. I hope that explains things.
ETA- You didn't mention this specifically but then there is the Catholic Church stance on abortion... Which is why the question of what to do with unused embryos after IVF can be difficult for some Catholics. I'm catholic and still consider myself a catholic but I bend the rules on what I follow and believe. (I for one am for gay marriage and I'm pro-choice.)
ETA part 2- There's also other aspects of IVF that Catholic teachings have issues with. Like Babies being conceived in a Petri dish versus 'natural' ways of having sex with your DH. Then there is the transfer of more than one embryo and if it results in multiple babies and if someone were to decide on a reduction. There are definitely more little details on why Catholics 'should' be against IVF.
Sorry, I didn't want to turn this into a thread about religion. I'll also admit that I had to look some of this info up to be verified. I'm not a strong or strict catholic by any means so there might be other ways to explain why Catholics believe what they do. -
@bluestriped bee: Interesting! Thank you for that - for some reason I had it in my head that it was a problem with going against "God's plan".
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@erinbaderin: No problem. I think there are other religions that follow 'god's plan' but I can't comment on that.
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I don't know if this viewpoint has been expressed already, but it's how I have justified being an egg donor for my sister and now going through IVF myself, all while being a pretty serious religious person. And I've prayed about this a lot. So while I'm doing all I can to get myself pregnant, and previously to help my sister get pregnant, there is still the aspect of the embryo attaching and continuing to grow. That is something that science has never been able to force. Either a baby continues to grow or it doesn't. So while we are doing things that some may consider unnatural with IVF, it's still all up to God whether the baby comes to be or not. (I'm not intending to offend any non religious people at all with this.) If you continue to want to talk to inlaws about it, maybe express it to them that way. And also maybe just don't tell them about the existence of any unused leftover embryos. Personally, IVF is such a private matter. We wouldn't talk to our inlaws about the sex we have with their sons while trying to get pregnant so there's really no need to talk about the other things we do to get pregnant, especially when they aren't supportive. I'm so sorry you are dealing with unsupportive inlaws. I'm just flying home from visiting my religious inlaws and I didn't bring up our IVF. But they were pretty savvy enough not to ask up about kids, thank god.
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@agold: My very religious mom has a similar viewpoint and even one that addresses the unused embryos. I think she read it somewhere and it made sense to her. Something like embryos being like seeds that won't grow until they are (im)planted and, only in utero, they grow from a seed to a sentient being (my paraphrase), which it can't do of it's own accord in the petri dish. Also she said, again like seeds, sometimes not all of them are used and are discarded or given away. It's like, we don't need to hang on in anguish over unused seeds.
(Someone might have a huge theological problem with that, but it's just an analogy, folks.
)I thought that was pretty progressive thinking on her part and more biologically accurate than worrying about the destiny of every single embryo for all eternity. In nature, there are naturally conceived embryos that never implant, we just don't know of them and no one is judging each other about them.
Speaking of the ILs, I think they would probably be accepting of their future, hoped-for grandchild(ren), but at the moment I personally can't imagine openly welcoming them into our home anymore. Of course, it's not up to only me, as others noted. DH has to get some things straight in his head and, after that, see what kind of harmonious relationship we can have with them.
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@Amorini: Yep, that's a nice way of thinking for your mom and especially if it helps her support you and what you want to do. Just to clarify, I think a bit differently about frozen embryos specifically but that's a different conversation for another day. And really, it's just no ones business what you do with your embryos except you your husband and your god if you believe in one. So it's too bad your inlaws are butting in so much.
and 
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