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DH and I talk about this a lot - our son is only 15 months but he has never been affectionate and doesn't like being held against his will. My dad is really into forced hugs and I know in my culture being told to kiss and hug people as a kid is very normal. Right now my son knows to shake his head when he doesn't want to do something and people think it's cute and respect it. I think I don't have a problem asking him if he would like to hug or kiss someone, but if he doesn't want to, I'll just say "That's okay honey - I guess he needs to get to know you a little better." At some point we will teach him to say "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with that" or "I'm sorry, but I don't know you very well" so he can have that interaction on his own. We've also seen kids have defensive signs like arms crossed in an X in front of their faces while saying "NO" firmly to give the hugger pause. Usually that makes a reasonable adult and other kids back off.

I'm pretty blunt. I would probably say (as gently and politely as possible) "you wouldn't like it if someone three times your size held you against your will. It's important to teach children that they have a right to not be touched. LO said no thank you to the hug. Would you like a high five or a wave?" Then if they pressed I would swoop LO up on my hip, wave and coo, "hi auntie" and then walk away saying, "OK time to say hi to some other people."

Most people have respected it if LO doesn't want to give hugs or kisses so it hasn't been an issue. My dad is the only one who would grumble and I flat out said "we want to teach her she doesn't have to hug people if she doesn't want so she knows she is in charge of her body." I think when you put it like that, especially about a little girl, people have to pause, you know? And my dad is totally the guy who spouts off about how everything is so PC these days.

However, my LO is a big hugger and very physically affectionate generally, so I have to work on the other side and teach her not everyone wants hugs or to be touched, which is an equally important lesson.

@2farmmoms: Sometimes I'm that blunt. It helps to have a script ready in my head. I'm good at defending my kids, but when DS was little and I was just defending my parenting choices I wasn't blunt. I just went to the other room to cry a lot.

@2farmmoms: I'm guilty of kinda shoving DD close to her cousins to give kisses.... Def not doing that anymore!

@2farmmoms: I agree, pictures are important but I'd rather supplement it with an unforced moment. I tend to be the photographer in the family functions just because I can control the camera marginally better than everyone else. Instead of posing, I might offer to capture them playing with my child rather than forcing them to look at a camera and smile. My children are quick to play but shy to talk or sit next to someone despite how often they've met them. An unstaged, unhurried, normal moment where they're sharing time together would seem more meaningful to me. That may be my family's compromise in the future.

Dh is french so there's more cheek kissing than hugging. Even after over 10 years together it still feels a bit unnatural and awkward to me but at the same time it seems like a nice ritual. I donno, I don't think it's doing lasting damage.

I've had some major fall-outs with family members because of this issue. I feel very strong about not forcing children to be held/hugged/kissed by someone, just because they are family. I've had to straight up take my son out of his grandmother's arms because she was trying to force him to be comfortable with her and he just wanted me. And then proceeded to get uninvited from family events because of it. But it's worth it to me to teach my son he has control of his own body (for the most part - I have to change your diaper buddy) and that his parents will support him in that regard, even against family. It's been rough, especially with people who aren't as understanding, but I'm just firm that we don't force it, and if my kids are unwilling to give a hug, I try to get them to give a high-five, and if they are unwilling to do that, I try to get them to wave, and if they are unwilling to do that, I just say "Okay, he's not feeling up to it right now, and that's okay. Maybe next time!"

@Adira: Uninvited? Geez, talk about an overreaction!

@Mrs. Carrot: haha, I was probably a bit harsh when I was removing my son from her clutches (though you can tell by my language, I still think she was in the wrong)!

We never force our son to give hugs. My mom never forced us to be affectionate (give hugs, kisses, sit on laps, etc) when we were little so I followed suit with my own child. Luckily, we've never received any backlash from it! He's a pretty affectionate child in general but if he's not comfortable with someone or not in the mood I don't think it's something we should apologize for.

We/relatives will always ask her -
Can I have a hug/kiss? If she doesn't want to, that totally fine and maybe she'll give a high five or wave. I can already see that she's like me in not being a naturally affectionate/hugging kind of person. She needs to do it on her own terms and people need to be understanding of that.

We see immediate and extended family on a consistent basis, but even then DS is not comfortable with everyone. However, when we see each other at parties it is customary to greet everyone, even if that means kissing 50 people when you enter a room. That being said, I know that DS is not an affectionate kid, aside from hugging and kissing me, DH, DD and my parents (whom he sees everyday). So when people try to hug and kiss him he usually runs to me or DH and says, "No." Which I then suggest a high-five or a wave and he complies to that. What is most important is that he politely acknowledges our relatives, not that he has to kiss or hug them. It irks me though when older relatives try to ask for more than the high-five or wave. To that I say, "I think he's just not ready to give a hug or kiss right now - maybe later." Usually that is enough for them.

In addition, we are Filipino and in Filipino culture, as a sign of respect, the younger generation has to ask for a blessing from grandparents. This means that they have to bow their forehead and touch the back of the grandparents' hand. This is something we are working on with DS still, but in my opinion this is something he will need to learn and get accustomed to since it is a sign of respect for elders in our culture.

DD is barely one year old and really doesn't mind anyone kissing or hugging her so far! We'll see how that changes as she gets older.

Personally I feel weird when parents, friends or family, tell their kids to hug me, so I will for sure pipe up if my kid is not the one iniating the hug. I find that kids when given a fun alternative like a high five or silly pound are much more inclined to seek me out later. Forced hugging is just ick!

There are other ways to acknowledge people in the room, which I will teach my child such as saying hello, shaking hands, giving high-fives. While this may not be the desired sign of affection and attention a person may want I will verbalize the options. This way the adult person understands what my child will be prodded to do and no more and for my child to understand those are acceptable forms of affection.

@Autumnmama79: this is how we see it too. It's part of manners to me. No they don't have to hug and kiss everyone, but they do have to acknowledge them. Most of the time that means a hug or kiss. There have been times the boys protest and squirm and they might not do it. And that's ok at those times. But they do need to learn to say hello and goodbye.

We ask if LO wants to give a hug or blow a kiss. If not, it's not a big deal, but as she is getting older I make sure that we model greeting everyone in the room and ask her to wave if she doesn't want to give a hug.

My brother's oldest (15) sometimes doesn't even acknowledge my parents or any of her aunts or uncles when they come visit and it is a huge sore point with my family. We only see them once or twice a year, so no one really expects hugs and kisses, but at the bare minimum we all expect a smile and a hello.