First world venting/sad post here.....in November I gave my bff the heads up that I was going to host a small bday party for my daughter's first birthday in February and let her know the weekend. She lives a short flight away but her parents live near us so I suggested it could be a good combo visit trip and we talked about me flying to her too when her dd turns 1 about 2 months later. Cut to today....when she lets me know she is going to Florida to have her dd meet the grandparents that same weekend. I made some minor comment of surprise and she basically told me that she hasn't met the grandparents yet so that's more important.
I know really is not a big deal in the grand scheme of life, but I'm disappointed and hurt. I would understand if it was about money, or an unavoidable conflict (wedding, etc), but the grandparent visit, while important, seems like it could have been any weekend. What's more, this is a common theme in our friendship - she'll come out to see her family and I feel like it's an imposition to try to carve out time with her. Yet, she's asked me to book a trip up to visit them this winter.
Tl;dr is that I feel unimportant to my bff and it's making me sad right now.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Hugs It plain sucks when friendships stop being at the same level of reciprocity I mean, you def can't trump family so I'd just let it go, but not go out of your way to plan a trip to visit her for now.
cherry / 150 posts
Sorry to hear that. Did you ask her why she planned for that specific weekend? Does she know that it hurt your feelings? I would be upset if my bff did that to me too
apricot / 398 posts
Agree with @snowjewelz. Sorry this happened to you. I've been through this type of thing before and it stinks.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
Totally understand why you feel hurt. My tendency is always to start with an assumption of positive intent and figure out what might be happening and maybe there's a miscommunication - ie, was that the only weekend the grandparents (I assume this is the other set of grandparents, not the ones who live near you?) could be visited? Is there a work or other scheduling issue that's driving it being that weekend? Did she commit to visiting for your daughter's birthday when you brought it up in November, or was it more of a heads up/noncommittal conversation and maybe it slipped her mind?
Unfortunately family stuff is always going to trump friends, and it's absolutely hurtful, but I wonder if some of that digging on why this happened may help you feel less unimportant because that likely/hopefully? wasn't the intention. Sending you love.
squash / 13199 posts
Just to offer a different perspective, you never know what else the grandparents have going on. Maybe this weekend is what works best for them. I try to manage expectations for out of town friends, not everyone wants to fly in for the same reasons or timing that might make sense to you.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
Maybe she doesn't have enough money or vacation time to do both trips. Maybe she's recently learned that the grandparents' health is getting worse. She may not be thrilled about missing the visit to see you, either.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I feel like if you're best friends she would've told you why it has to be that weekend; unless you totally read her response the wrong way? I mean personally I would have been like listen I know you wanted us to come that weekend but she needs to meet the grandparents and that's the only good weekend for them and we don't want to wait forever, you never know with their health, etc. I feel like that would have made you feel less bad and have more understanding/empathy to try to work something else out.
kiwi / 518 posts
@snowjewelz: @poppygirl15: Thanks. I assume it's partially just a season of life thing - we both have young babes.
@gestalt: No....I'm so conflict avoidant and couldn't think of what to say. Now I can...but the conversation has already moved on.
@Mrs. Carrot: Thanks. I know we all come from different priorities...I am sure it wasn't clear to her that it was important to me and you're right that I think it wasn't set in stone. I was just surprised that there was no acknowledgement or apology when she told me today.
@Mrsbells: @Mama Bird: You're both right, I just wish there was some acknowledgement. I also think it feels like something similar has happened a few times recently which maybe makes me extra sensitive.
@snowjewelz: RE your second comment: Exactly, and this is how I would respond so it's always confusing to me when people respond differently.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
@skiierchck99: Yeah... Like what can't you say to your bff?!
clementine / 940 posts
From the other perspective, whenever I go “home” to visit my family, it is so so hard to also see all of the friends that I need/want to see. Like I get 2 hours with each set of friends and that’s it. It is just so hard to balance. They really are some of my best friends. But we basically need to do girls trips away to get good QT these days
olive / 59 posts
I just wanted to echo what chitownro said. When we go home (where we have lots of friends from years of living there plus family) it really can become stressful to try to see everyone and to feel like we got a quality visit in. Add in the travel component—we basically lose a day each direction—and the stress of balancing two kids’ sleep needs and inevitable overtiredness from traveling and it’s wonderful to go home but also exhausting and stressful. Plus as someone who lives at least a 7 hour car ride away from all family on either side and who has lived several other places, it does get to be where we’ve had to just say no to extra trips (even weddings of close friends that we realized we just couldn’t swing) or even keep some of our visits on the “down low” where we have not told everyone that we are in town. Further complicating things is that most of the trips home end up being around holidays so we and our friends all have extra family obligations. And it’s not like we can just come in town to only visit friends a different weekend and not make our parents upset that we didn’t spend most of the weekend with them.
None of this is to say that your feelings aren’t valid. Only that I’m worried my own friends might sometimes feel the same way. But ultimately an extra weekend traveling is sometimes a lot—whether you’ve got family in town or not (and I really don’t know what the perfect answer is) and your friend may have reasoned that she will have just traveled at the holidays and need to do a grandparent trip and not realized you’d made firmer plans for your daughter’s bday. I’m sure she was not trying to hurt you when she made travel plans that weekend.
I keep telling myself that this is the season of life we’re in now (and thankfully most of my friends are as well—we all seem to be balancing kid schedules plus careers plus having family obligations as daughters and daughter in laws etc). Some of my closest friends I only see maybe one afternoon or evening in a year. But decently regular texting plus embracing the reality that this is not forever has made it easier to get through.
Hang in there.
kiwi / 518 posts
@ChitownRo: fair - I totally feel that w pressure when I visit nyc!
@WyattnewbabysMama: thanks for your perspective. I feel like you probably hit the nail on the heas. It’s like a blessing and a curse to leave near her parents - we probably see them more often but with more competition for their time. Thanks again - I really needed to hear it from this angle and I’m still sad but definitely less upset.