Hellobee Boards

Thank you so much for thinking of her. I think you should think about telling her that. I think sometimes knowing that fertile people are thinking of us can help. Especially, in a world where it can be all about babies. As for the gift, it depends on how she will take it. I know it's hard and we really are on a rollercoaster of emotions. I might love it but it might also be a reminder and make it harder. I would definitely talk to her. Take her aside. Take her to a coffee shop, somewhere that might not have kids or babies around. Tell her that you are thinking of her. Let her vent if she needs it. For me, sometimes I can talk about baby or pregnancy topics, but there are certain topics I avoid as a trigger.

Here is a good site on the do's and don't of talking to someone with IF.
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

ETA: I helped plan my younger sister's shower recently. The thought of possibly planning it was scary. I was rather emotional but it took me a while to realize that I had to push those emotions out of my head because I wanted to be there for her. The shower went great (stress here and there but looking back, it went well and both my sister and BIL had fun. Success). The day after the shower, my family all met up and I was able to talk about baby and pregnancy stuff. I surprised myself. But the one thing that was hard was when my sister was trying to reach for a plate and her belly rubbed against me. She apologized and said she not used to this belly, but then my other sister started talking about the pregnancy belly. I had to get up to leave the room. I didn't cry or get that upset but I could tell I needed to excuse myself quietly from the conversation. The conversation was over pretty quickly so I came back in the room. Like I said little triggers. It can be different for everyone.

@bluestriped bee: I agree with doing things with her. Sometimes I feel like as soon as my friends have become moms (and there were a TON last year) they bonded more closely with each other and I've lost some touch with them. It's really nice when one is free for a lunch or movie (I'd avoid coffee shops. They tend to have TONS of kids...at least around me)

When we're out as groups, the moms tend to clump together and share stories. In most groups, I'm the only non-mom. So the one on one time when we can talk about our own lives and worlds is really valuable.

If I had a close friend that wanted to send me a gift, I would have appreciated maybe a nice bottle of booze or going out for a drink. It's nice to have a friend show that they're here to listen to you. I had a close friend send me a card when I was struggling and I really appreciated it. Even though they didn't have any IF struggles, it was nice to have someone be optimistic for you and just say it'll all work out.

I would only be put off if someone sent me a gift and I wasn't really that good of friends with them. Or if it was someone that I didn't regularly talk to about it. Wouldn't matter if they were pregnant or not.

In that case (since she's shared that with you), I would talk to her about support. See if she's looked for a support group or even just a community online (I say "just" because this is the simplest thing to do...but it can be invaluable!), or maybe suggest she ask her OBGYN or RE if they can recommend a group or individual therapist.

@PurplePumps: I completely agree.

Only my SIL, mom, and two friends really know. My SIL and mom because they helped me through my MC and I know they can support me how I need it (they don't ask about anything. It's up to me to bring it up if I need to)

My two friends also know because of the MC, and because I've mentioned appointments since then. They're both single. Mostly they ask how I am and tell me they're praying for me. That's pretty much my ideal (no advice, no "I can't imagine how HORRIBLE your situation is", etc.)

OP: I get what your friend said about her thinking her husband doesn't care. Even if he does care, men are incapable of understanding things in the same way as we do. Mine will forever be strong and try to do whatever will make me happiest, even if he thinks that means never mentioning the baby we lost or allowing ourselves to talk about or focus too much on the baby we want to have. He does not get it, and I'm pretty sure he never will.

I will also add, one of the hardest things for me when I hung out with my pregnant friends and friends with kids was that ALL they talked about was... being pregnant and their kids. Just be conscious of that when you have conversations with her, and let her lead in how much she wants to hear about your family life. But having nice girl days where the two of you can just have lunch and get pedicures without a bunch of mommy talk would be most helpful.