I need advice from the ever so wise bees! Very good friends of ours contacted us recently about help looking for a new vehicle. My DH is very car savvy, so it wasn't an unusual request. Their old car is on a lease (it was a Hyundai and the lease was fairly inexpensive, about $130 a month). They are about to end their lease and asked for help searching for cars that are as cheap as possible. Without going into too much detail, they hinted that they are struggling financially and can barely afford any vehicle at all, but they need one to get to work. We do not live in an area with public transportation. This is a family where both the mother and father work. They have a DD who is just above a year old. She is watched during the day for free by grandparents. They are proud, so I know they wouldn't accept any sort of financial help, but we want desperately to help in some way now that we know that we know they are struggling. We got the impression they may have maxed out a credit card because they talked about not being able to get a loan for a vehicle. Any tips to very discretely help them out? I was thinking of buying diapers for their LO, but my husband didn't seem to think that would be enough. I also thought of offering them a loan, but they would never accept that, even if they could pay us back. They're very dear to us, but what can we do? Help!
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@Mrs. Peanut: I would not get involved, unless they ask! Money complicates everything... so it's a complication that I wouldn't introduce myself. But if they ask for help, I'd probably do so and have a number in mind to offer as a loan (money I could afford to lose).
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That's very sweet of you. I would say that they are unfortunately probably in more trouble than just a maxed out credit card. It's usually not that hard to get a car loan.
I would not offer a loan but a gift. Loans do complicate things. Give freely without any expectation of them returning it. I would maybe help them find a car and then when they are ready to buy it, say, "We are going to contribute $X toward the car as a gift to you. We have been wanting to do something nice to thank you for being such supportive friends for so long and this was the perfect chance."
A grocery store gift card is another idea.
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@daniellemybelle @mrbee We were definitely thinking something more along the lines of a gift rather than a loan. You're right, money and loans do complicate things. I definitely would not want to put strain on such a great friendship. A grocery store gift card is a good idea too. I think the hard part will be why we are giving it to them. I like your suggestion of finally seeing a good opportunity to express our appreciation of such great friends.
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That is really thoughtful. Maybe phrase it in a way that you are "paying it forward".. that you are so grateful for what you have that you have it on your hearts to do XYZ for them because you know someday when they are in the position they will do something helpful for someone they care about too?
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I like the idea of a grocery store or gas gift card. that is something that you know they'll use that will also free up some of their money for other things like a car.
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Do you or someone you know have toddler clothes/shoes that would fit their LO? A lot of people I know pass theirs on to others with younger kids and no one is offended... though your friends might feel sensitive about that since you know they're having financial difficulties, so you're the best judge of whether that's a good idea.
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@Mrs. Peanut: even as a gift I think this would strain the relationship and may embarrass them. I'd wait until they ask for help or somehow gift them anonymously.
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I've given grocery and gas cards to friends who needed a little financial help, but I always just drop it in the mailbox so it's anonymous. I think it would be awkward if they knew who had done it.
You could also buy stuff that they might need like diapers or clothes and be like "I was cleaning out closets and found this opened box of diapers that we never used. We can't return them since the box is opened. Would you take them off my hands?" -
Honestly, I would just help them with find a reliable car as cheaply as possible and steer them away from potential gas guzzlers and lemons. I wouldn't buy them diapers, that just seems odd. If you have hand me downs to give (toys, clothes, etc), that would seem more reasonable.
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Those are all good ideas. @mama bird @mrs.shinerbock @mrs. Lemon-lime @catlady: Unfortunately, we don't have any LOs, or hand me downs would be perfect. I have nieces, one older than their DD, and one younger. Otherwise I could say that I got this for niece 1 and forgot to give it to her, but niece 2 could use it so... Yeah it's just a tough situation. We want to help without being awkward or making them feel bad. I like the idea of a gift card anonymously in their mailbox. Staying anonymous may be the way to go!
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@Mrs. Peanut: I agree about staying anonymous - its the safest. My dad always said never loan money to a friend you want to remain a friend - it just gets weird.
As a side note - dont discount what a free meal means to people who are struggling. If they are close to you you could invite them over for dinner frequently...start a "tradition" of some sort so they dont feel its a hand out. Providing a meal a week for them (at home so there is no weird paying for the bill at a restaurant moment) could be a huge relief.
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To add on to what @Mrs D: said - make sure to try to include them in social events that don't cost $ and won't make them feel awkward with you paying the bill. Invite them over for game night or to swim in your neighborhood pool. Find free events in your town that y'all can go to. I know a lot of people feel like they have to cut back on going out when the budget is tight and so many social outings revolve around Spending money.
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@mrs d @mrs.shinerbock: Those are great ideas! We live a little further away than we would like (about an hour) but we see them on the weekends every now and then. It would be great to bring them to a community day or cook out. My ILs live very close to our friends (just down the road) so maybe we can do a get together there so they don't have to waste gas. I know my ILs wouldn't mind at all.
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@Mrs. Peanut: Honestly, I would just provide a shoulder for their worries. It gets too complicated trying to offer loans to friends. I have one friend that in the 15 years that I have known her, has always struggled. We try to invite them swimming, to play cards and to other events that don't cost money.
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I would say try to find them a very reliable but older used vehicle they can buy cash. Perhaps it's a bit older than they are looking for, but I have a 2002 Chevy Prism that I always recommend - 2002 was the last year Chevy and Toyota has a joint venture on the Prism/Corolla so they are the exact same car using Toyota parts but the Chevy always costs way less than the Toyota. You can get one for cheap, they run forever - I've only had to replace a timing belt and get oil changes in all the years I've owned one.
Once you help them find a car, I would get them a gas card and a maintenance package from a local garage. Lots of garages let you buy pre-paid oil changes in a 3 or 4 pack - we always snag something like that on Groupon. Or you can get them a lifetime alignment or something like that from Firestone. This way you can say we wanted to congratulate you on buying a new car, but since it's used we want to make sure it runs well for you or we'd feel guilty of something went wrong!
People who are struggling financially always skimp on car maintenance but in a 1 car family with a kid that's really not a great idea, so not having a payment and having a little help on maintenance at take a load off.
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