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Friendship struggles as a parent

Just looking for some perspective....

Back story: the “friendship” in question began about 6 years ago when I responded to a childcare needed advertisement for a family. In the last 6 years, I have not only babysat for this family (I was single and no children at the beginning) but moved in with them when the Dad of the family underwent a bone marrow transplant. I have loved their 2 kids as my own and have always thought very highly of the family and considered the Mom to be a close friend. Fast forward to present day and I’m now married and a mom to a 1.5 yr old. I still babysit for this family every week and we asked them
to be our daughters “Godfamily” when we found out we were expecting. I’m a very sentimental person and take my relationships very seriously. However, in the last 6-8 months, the Mom has changed. Honestly, I’ve bever felt like they have done anything “special” for my daughter since she was born (like offer to babysit/spend quality time her, come to her dedication after party or her 1st birthday). I’m not asking for much but my daughter adores the 2 kids—like her own brother and sister. The mom has recently bought a new home in a very high end neighborhood (we had been neighbors) and her attitude just sucks. She used to tell people I was a “great friend that happens to also be an amazing nanny” but yesterday, not only did she publicly humiliate me in front of her new “high society friends” by ignoring me at swim practice I take her kids to, but she introduced me as “my nanny” in a very snobby way. Like it was more of a status thing for her. This is just an example but little things like this keep happening and it’s really pushing me away. I have already decided that I’m going to quit being their nanny at end of summer (mostly for reasons outside of the recent situation) but I’m stuck on how to move forward.
Yes, I’ve tried a number of times to talk to her (gone to dinner and whatnot) and all she talks about us herself that I walk away defeated. I despise confrontation and while she may acknowledge my feelings, she is the type that will try to turn it around and make me feel stupid or bad for assuming she meant to hurt me. But she talks bad about alot of people and if the next best thing comes along, then what used be isn’t good enough for her (like our neighborhood before she recently moved—both are brand new neighborhoods but houses in mine are in the upper 300k and her new home was 600k)
What would you do? Like I can move on without talking to her but how do I handle the “Godfamily” status? I know my daughter will grown and make different friends but I hate seeing this happen. Asking them was a big deal and a decision we took seriously. But she’s just not the same person.
I could just use some advice and encouragement. Thanks!

  1. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    I don’t really understand what a “god famiky” is. Are they actual god parents or is this just something honorary?

    Honestly, I think the woman’s just a probably snob and insecure. She wants to fit in with the new neighbors and she doesn’t want them to think she’s friends with the help.

    I wouldn’t confront her, but I also wouldn’t make an effort any more. Put the ball in her court to keep up the friendship.

  2. Stardust17

    cherry / 109 posts

    @ShootingStar: IMO, asking them to be her god family was more than just a title. While we never discussed what the role would entail, my expectations weren’t high and I thought it was self explanatory...like come to her baby dedication (or other Christian milestone like events), birthday parties, dance recitals, graduations and just take a genuine interest in her occasionally. I have practically raised her kids under the impression she would do the same for us if it ever got to that. But clearly her new social status is more important. Thank you so much for your honest feedback. It helps me feel like I’m not being irrational with my thinking.


    nectarine / 2461 posts

    it sounds to me like the relationship means something different to you than it does to her, which hurts you but probably not her. it's sad, but friendships and relationships die sometimes. from your description, I don't think it's a situation where there's anything to "do" other than mourn it, move on, and spend your energy on people who love you and value you in the capacity you want to be treated. if she's not treating you the way you want to be treated, there's nothing you can do or say to procure it. she's not going to start caring about your daughter in a reciprocal way just because you want her to.

  4. Mama Bird

    pomegranate / 3127 posts

    I'm sorry. If she wants to look good to the Joneses rather than keep an old friendship, you can't change her. I hear that always chasing status isn't very fulfilling, because someone always has more. You probably need to cut your losses and put some distance between you, unless she chooses to treat you like a friend again. In private and in public.

    I'm sorry about the children's friendship. That's the worst part. But when adults decide to part ways, it's next to impossible to preserve the friendship of young kids who depend on the adults for chances to play together.

  5. crazydoglady

    nectarine / 2431 posts

    @Stardust17: I'm sorry she treated you that way. I'm a little confused though...arent you more invested in the lives of her children (as opposed to her being involved in DD's life) because that's what you were hired to do? Are you a nanny and you happen to be close to the family or are you a friend who sometimes babysits? Sorry if I am totally missing something, but I am trying to understand the dynamics of your relationship.

  6. Stardust17

    cherry / 109 posts

    @crazydoglady: hi...so initially I was hired years ago as a sitter and it grew into a friendship. I felt the bond was strong enough at one point to extend the invite to be my DD’s godfamily and her attitude towards me started changing in last year. Nothing significant has happened between us to cause a falling out...she’s just stopped treating me as a friend and more like hired help.

  7. crazydoglady

    nectarine / 2431 posts

    @Stardust17: I see. I agree with @LCTBQE: that you should put your efforts into surrounding yourself with people who want a reciprocal relationship. I'm sorry that your relationship is ending in this way.

  8. Stardust17

    cherry / 109 posts

    ETA-I would consider myself to be more of a family friend who regularly helps by babysitting (even though I was hired 6 yrs ago as a sitter and we just formed a friendship). There was about a 2 yr period that I moved away before we reconnected and moved into the same neighborhood in 2016/17. Hope this helps to understand the dynamics of our relationship.

  9. Raspberry

    kiwi / 598 posts

    Do you believe she would introduce your daughter as her nanny’s kid or as her goddaughter?

    I can make a pretty good guess based on what you’ve described and that’d be a good sign to move on. Sorry - this is so sucky.

  10. ChiCalGoBee

    nectarine / 2028 posts

    @Stardust17: I know this isn't entirely the same thing, but when I look back at my bridal party (our wedding was 8 years ago), there are 2 (out of 6) bridesmaids that I sometimes wish I could go back in time and remove from the process. One has been a difficult friend that I still interact with regularly, but have a tumultuous relationship with now (almost entirely on her end). The other is a friendship that has gone so "sour" that we don't even reach out on each other's birthdays anymore. The reason I bring this up is that all of these major life milestones are but a season in life, and people, unfortunately, can change for the worse. This woman truly sounds like a hurtful person who is more concerned with her status and new "friendships" than a loyal, longstanding friendship with you. I would quietly let things slip away after you're no longer working for her, and if you choose different godparents/a god family for your daughter, I think that's okay. It's her loss, and it sounds like you'll be far happier without her. Thinking of you-adult friendships ending are never easy.

  11. Miss Ariel

    nectarine / 2210 posts

    @Stardust17: this may not be helpful now, but growing up my dad lost touch/had a falling out with my godfather. But when I was 6 or so my parents asked my best friend’s dad to be my godfather. (Her mom was my brother’s godmother already.) there was nothing formal that happened and he never did anything official, but I just wanted to give you the perspective that you could change godparents at some point.

  12. ElbieKay

    pomegranate / 3231 posts

    She is doing you a favor by showing you who she is. Chasing people never ends well, so just keep things professional and do what you can to move on personally. And find someone else to be guardian to your children in your will.

  13. ChitownRo

    clementine / 947 posts

    On a completely random note - is she is widow now? You refer to living w them when her husband had a bone marrow transplant and then said that the mom (not family/they) bought a new house. Just wondering if she has had some huge life stressors/transitions too and is feeling insecure (though this is an immature response to that stress...)

  14. Stardust17

    cherry / 109 posts

    @ChitownRo: no, her husband is in full remission (thankfully!!) he’s been in remission for 3 years now!

  15. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @Stardust17: hate to be the bubble buster here, but I’m not understanding the “I practically raised her kids with the impression.she would do the same for us...” How could that be if she hired you to to help her with the kids? I mean that would signal to me she doesn’t have a whole lot of extra time to be involved in someone else’s child’s life. Maybe I’m wrong and she has nieces and nephews or other close friends kids’ and you have seen her prioritize their events and activities. Overall it’s sucky that her move coincided with treating you differently and dropping the friend part of her introductions. When you attended her kids swim class were you working or was it on your free time?

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