"Why have kids if someone else is going to raise them?"
If so, how did you respond?
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In-laws. We say, "If we didn't have kids, you would have complained we didn't give you grandkids. If we did have kids, you say things like this. We can't win." They stopped.
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I haven't heard those exact words but my MIL doesn't like that we're putting LO in daycare (part time) when I go back to work. When she expresses her disapproval, I just ignore her. If someone seriously said those words to me, I would lay the smack down. There is no way someone can say that to me and get away with it. How rude!
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If I were at work and someone said these words to me I would explain very sharply that not everyone has the means to live on one income and that we are choosing to give our child everything it needs by having two incomes. I would also say that it really isn't their business, and that jsut because they are going to have someone else raise them that it does not mean we love them any less.
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I stay at home so I don't have this issue. I think I would say something like: "Unless you're going to start financially supporting my children, I don't think it's any of your business what I do as far as work or childcare." You really can't win. If you weren't working, there would be some snotty comment about how you aren't helping with finances or supporting your family efficiently, etc. Tell them to mind their own damn business.
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@mediagirl: Haha. I'm glad they stopped asking.
@TJBee: I'm worried about this, too. When I get pregnant, I will be a full time working mom. I'm the bread winner in our relationship so there's no other way around it.
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Wow, did someone actually say that to you?? That's soooooo rude! No one has kids in order for someone else to raise them, but there are numerous reasons moms (and dads) continue to work! It might be that they have to work to support their family. Or it might be that they worked hard for the career they have and don't want to give it up (and what kind of example would that set anyway?). I think if someone said that to me, I might slap them!
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I hope no one ever says this to me. I am feeling all stabby just thinking about it.
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I have had a few people say things along these lines to me. Usually older women we don't understand that gender roles are shifting. I mostly just ignored them.
But the main reason I'm asking is that DH brought it up during a conversation about our future plans. It wasn't in a hostile way at all. He would support any decision I made about working vs SAHM. We could live comfortably off of his income alone and we were both raised by SAHM, so he brought it up because he was genuinely curious.
I have to admit I didn't have a great answer for him beyond "because I want to work." That was good enough for him, but I was just wondering if other people have heard this and what their responses were. -
I like to respond to innapropriate comments by pointing out just that - that they were inappropriate (, i.e., "wow, that was inappropriate"). It usually stops the ass-vice giver in their tracks. If I were feeling snarkier, I would probably say "to give you something to pass judgment on, obviously."
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No one has ever said this to me! That would be so rude. Are they going to help pay my bills?
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@TJBee: DH and I are in a similar boat - we could definitely afford to live off his income (and both of our moms were, for the most part, SAHMs). I, at this time (22 weeks), am choosing to return to work because it's what I think will make me the happiest, and I (and DH) believe that a happy momma = happy DH and happy baby(ies). As with everything else in pregnancy (a la I was at the hospital today for pre-term labor), I am keeping my plans fluid, and am remaining as open-minded as possible to every option. It's really too bad (and disheartening) that the comment makers couldn't have done the same.
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@TJBee: haha, my husband is the opposite! I told him I wanted to work part time when we have children and he was all "Why don't you work full time? You'd make more that way."
You could point out that you enjoy your job and that quitting would make it harder to go back in the future (when your kids are in school or are off to college - will both you and your husband be happy with you being jobless?). Also point out that the security brings peace of mind. If, heaven forbid, your husband ever lost his job, you would have yours to keep the family afloat.
ETA: Also, I don't know what kind of job you have, but does it provide any benefits (such as retirement)? The most important years to save for retirement are the early ones. If you don't work for 10+ years, would that be a huge blow to your future? Does your husband feel confident that he will be able to support both of you into retirement on his salary alone? Just another thing to consider.
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@Adira: Thanks for the reply. These are definitely things to take into consideration.
I basically have three options that all have huge pros and cons, and we were just weighing everything out.
Option 1: Go back to working full time at current job and put baby in daycare.
Option 2: Become SAHM
Option 3: Transition into more flexible career. Probably have baby in daycare or watched by family part time.
It was when we were discussing Option 1 that DH said the comment above. It was just a part of the overall discussion.
@MsLipGloss: I like the idea of keeping plans fluid. I guess it's difficult to make a firm decision until the baby is born and I need to. I'm not even pregnant yet, but we are constantly talking about our plans to ensure we are on the same page. -
@TJBee: Will your current job not allow you to work part time at all? Or what about working four 9-hour days? My mom was able to do that and 36 hours was considered full time for her so she could keep all her benefits. But I know now all companies will allow that.
I think it's great you guys are talking about it and trying to figure out what you want to do upfront! Better to do that now than be scrambling later.
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We all make concessions when we have kids. There is not a wrong answer here, everyone needs to do what works best for their lifestyle.
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Yes, and it pisses me off. Most of the women in my family have been SAHMs, at least until their children were in elementary school, and the majority of my co-workers were men with wives who stayed at home. I've been told on many occasions that my daughter was being "raised" by somebody else, aka our daycare provider. Or that we were sacrificing our daughter's upbringing and childhood at the sake of earning more money we didn't really need.
Honestly, it's not much better on the other side of the fence; now thart I'm home full-time, my in-laws have been super judgey about how I "don't contribute" to the household and how I "expect" my husband to provide for our whole family while I just take the free ride. There is judgment on both sides, and I have yet to figure out a comeback that works for either situation.
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@Adira: Unfortunately no. My current job has long, sometimes unpredictable hours and lots of travel. It's really not ideal for women with young children. DH's owns his own business, and he works even longer hours than I do. All of the other women I work with have husbands who have flexible schedules, so while they work and travel, their husbands are always available. We don't really have that luxury.
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I could be really snarky and say "Actually, I'm going to quit my job and go on welfare. Is that a better solution? If not, mind your own business!"
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I'm a sahm. Personally, I say that id like to have 3 kids but then id have to go back to work. If we have 2, ill be able to stay home. Id rather stay at home with my babies then have one more kid. Id be sad if I had to leave and go to work every day.
But I think going to work does not mean you're raising your child any less. You're still their mom, their main caregiver, and your still making the decisions on how their raised.
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Nope, but the FIRST time someone says this, I'm punching them in the face. Or ask them if they will be done raising their kid when they go to Kindergarten? I mean, they won't be with them 24/7 so I guess pulic school will be raising them.
Yes, reading that on the interwebs pisses me off.
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There are plenty of parents who don't work and stay home who are $hitty parents. 'Nuff said.
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I've heard this before. I used to be a nanny for a family whose parents both worked FT and had four kids. Her husband's whole family pretty much turned on her because she wanted to be a working mom over a SAHM. I felt so bad for her! They were so mean and cruel. They took it out on me a lot too, thankfully they always stood up for me but it was rough. I couldn't imagine.
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I used to say that. Before I had the baby and while I was a SAHM (first 18 months).
Now I have a simple response. If I'm able to bring in more money than we have to pay for childcare, I'm going to work because 1) we need the money and 2) I'm a better mom when I'm functioning in a workplace during the week and parenting on the nights and weekends. Because I've BEEN a SAHM (and was miserable through it!) I can very much say that I don't feel any shame or guilt in paying someone else to "raise" my kids.
And for me, daycare is not raising my kid... they entertain, enrich, feed, nap, and change my kid while I'm at work. And I chose the provider because they do an excellent job and I trust them. So I count that as "raising" my kids as well.
Every parent has to make a decision about what kind of parent they will be, logistically. For me, I will never take a job that consistently gets me home after dinnertime, or has weekend hours or any travel whatsoever. That's just me.
@mrstilly: EXCELLENT point
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My child, my business.
I am back at work part time. One of the main reasons is that I am going to have to go back to work when LO starts school so this way I keep my position and the transition back to work is much easier on me.
I also cannot believe that anyone would have the front to say this to your face. ( Excepting family where the usual rules never seem to apply!). I guess my reaction would be along the lines of "well hopefully the daycare raising LO will do a better job than your parents and LO will have some sense of boundaries and what is appropriate to say and what is in fact highly rude and offensive". I'm kinda mean when crossed though!
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This steams me and I'm not a parent yet!
How about this: "Day care providers are baby-sitting my child, while I am raising him/her to be accepting and tolerant of a wide variety of family circumstances and of choices that parents make in the best interests their own families."
And then you could add: "For example, I would never raise my child to make such a disrespectful and ignorant remark such as the statement you just made."
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@TJBee: I assumed a different context (ie: random stranger, meddling friend/family member) when I wrote my above response and before reading that this was in the context of a conversation with your husband....sorry! Obviously my snarky suggested response is not appropriate for a normal conversation with your husband about your options!
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Oh man. No!!! Luckily. But man oh man would I give rude response back.
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I got this all the time when I was pregnant, largely because Europeans maintain more traditional roles for men and women. Most women have children much younger and aren't really into working as a lifelong endeavor. They just kind of do it until they have kids and leave. It's just a thing to pass the time, rather than offer fulfillment. I know I am generalizing a lot and there are women out there that see things differently, but I was surprised how pervasive this "old" attitude is.
I don't try to match ignorance with snark. It's not worth it to me to get my blood boiling. I just give a smile and a nod. I think that confuses people much more!
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@Sweet T: "Unless you're going to start financially supporting my children, I don't think it's any of your business what I do as far as work or childcare." BEST COMEBACK EVER.
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A few things:
1. She will always know who is Mommy and Daddy. We are still raising her.
2. Is it really much different then kids going off to school every day? I don't think we say that teachers "raise" our kids, they teach them! She learns SO much at daycare.
3. I do think its better for both of us (her and me) to have some time apart.
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I spent my childhood in daycare (from 6 weeks to 11 years), and I never once felt like my parents were uninvolved or anything like that. My parents did it so they could provide a good childhood for us. I thank them for it every day.
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By that logic, would it be pointless for a man to have kids if he's going to work? Why would it be any less fulfilling or make you less of a parent than a working father? That's just ridiculous. I would be really upset if someone said something like that.
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No one has ever said that to me- we live in the DC area, and while there ARE plenty of SAHMs, honestly, we don't know any. And we'd never get it from family- both DH and I come from families where almost all of the women have worked at least part-time. Also, I have no shame about having DS in daycare. Like @thehistoryofus noted, it's not like DS is having "parent confusion" and he does cool stuff all day long.
If we did get this comment, I feel like I'd be tempted to respond "to fetch us beers and mow the lawn. Why else?"
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33 comments