I'm struggling. DH and I both work FT, out of the house. Kids go to preschool/school/aftercare. So, everyone is out of the house from 7:30 - 5:30. Bedtime is 8/8:30. Yes, it sucks. And we're struggling. I need ideas of how to infuse the little time we have with as much connection as possible. Please don't give me suggestions of finding a new job, hiring a nanny, or something like that. Just pretend that the schedule we have is what we have. I need help making lemonade out of lemons. Thanks!
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My schedule is the same, but adjust everything 30 min earlier. My only advice is to divide and concur. My husband might take the kids to the playground on the way home from daycare pickup, so I can go right home and sort through mail, start a load or laundry, and start dinner. Or, my daughter really likes to help with dinner... so I get her a stool and I let her pour ingredients in the bowl and mix or scoop or whatever. I recently bought her some plastic kid knives and she help me cut up a seedless watermelon into chunks the other day. I also try to spend 5 min when they first walk in the door giving undivided attention. If I don't do that and I'm trying to do something right when they get home it turns into a disaster because they just want me and I just want to finish this thing I'm doing.
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Oh, and always read a story before bed
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I don't have great advice, but I can definitely commiserate. We get home at 4:30 and bedtime is 7-7:30 so I feel like I'm just rushing around to make dinner, do bath time, etc. and before I know it the night is over. It's hard!
I workout as soon as my daughter goes to bed and by the time I do that and get things ready for the next day it's time for me to go to bed.
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We go through highs and lo's of this too. Like we'd be "good" and try, and then kind of get comfortable and slack off connecting with each other.
We have similar schedules. I take longer than DH putting DD2 to bed, so to ensure I have more time when I come out of the room, DH helps me with certain chores so that I have less to do by the time I'm free. We are so bad at talking about feelings, so while most nights are just being physically intimate then snuggling on the couch watching TV, we spend once night a week (usually Sun night) talking about our schedule for the next week, and one night a month talking about our finance. It also depends on what your love language is. We don't really rely on talking to connect. For him is quality time/physical touch, and for me is acts of service/verbal praise/acknowledgement.
We're better at talking if we have an activity to go with it, so usually it's trying a new wine/beer/cider, and/or trying a new cheese/cure meat, etc. That's when we'd turn the TV off.
We only have date days, and that happens like once every quarter at best haha.
And you are talking about spouse? Or children too? I find that our quality time is at a pretty sweet spots with the girls. Bed time isn't till 8pm, we finish dinner around 6:30 so for 1.5 hrs they have my full attention. Plus I am glued to them every weekend lol.
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@graceandjoy: oh haha... I assumed connection with kids but yeah maybe it is spouse. I have ZERO advice for that.... I'm fine with it is what it is for now and we will work on that someday. LOL
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@RonjaL7: LOL and I assumed the other way!
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Just subscribing to read. No suggestions but I'm not doing well with this AT ALL.
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DON'T COOK DURING THE WEEK!
I know that not many people will be able to handle this, but my husband, 2.5 yr old DD and I eat the same meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner all week..
On Sunday we make a big batch of three meals
this week was:
IP Egg bites for breakfast,
Kale & Bean soup for lunch
chickpea salad wraps for dinner
We make enough for 10 breakfasts (DD eats instant oatmeal) 10 lunches (5 each - DD get lunch at daycare) and 12 dinners (4 each). We also prep all snacks and other pieces. this week we had clementines, bread to go with the soup, and yogurt.
So by Sunday night, lunch and dinner is completely ready for the entire week. It is such a relief to not have to worry about food at all during the week. And we typically bring home something on Friday or have a frozen pizza type meal.My one other suggestion if you can't handle eating the same thing in a row is to do batch cooking and then freeze in serving size portions.
For example, we make a huge batch of chili, and then freeze in our 2-cup size pyrex containers. I take 2 out in the morning, they are defrosted by the time we get home, quick zap and hot chili is ready.
So if you can't eat the same thing several days in a row, try batch cooking and freezing in individual servings, then each night you can have a different meal ready to go.I get home with DD around 5:30, we are eating by 5:45 and playing by 6pm - bedtime starts at 6:40. On a good night we get a good 45 min of playtime before bed.
(I wrote this for a similar post, and copied and pasted it here ! This is an old post and may help you: https://boards.hellobee.com/topic/family-dinners-1)
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I’m assuming you mean the connection between you and your kids? Two full time working parents here too. We are out of the house from 715-5pm. My husband does all the cooking so some days, DS will want to help him cook and I’ll do other chores and other days, he wants me, so I’ll play and read with him until dinner is ready, which is usually around 5:45. Bedtime routine starts at 630 and he’s asleep by 7. We also make sure to eat together at the table every night and chat about our days. We switch bedtime duties each night to make sure both parents have some quality time with him too.
ETA: if you mean with your spouse then having a early bedtime for your LOs is key. We have 3 hours to hang out every night before going to bed at 10. We try to keep our phones off a few times a week.
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I was literally just lamenting about how hard it is to be a WOHM the other night when DD had prek graduation. They wanted all kids to arrive at 530 for 6 pm graduation... I was RUSHING around, sweating like a pig just to get there. I leave work at 4, drive an hour, picked up DS at 510, picked up DD at 515, got to the pizza joint (bc we were supposed to actually have time to feed them dinner before grad) at 525, shoved pizza into their faces/brushed DD's hair, changed DS and got her to the grad at 540.... Ughhhh I just don't know how others do it!!!!
As for normal nights, ours look similar to yours. I pick up both kiddos usually between 5 and 530 so we are home by 530 ish most nights. I use our short commute to talk about their days and ask certain questions (favorite part of the day, name one thing they learned, what made them happy). When we arrive home it's a little hectic at first getting snacks/dinner started/them playing outside.
But most nights I make sure we sit down to dinner together.
Then on nights that aren't bath nights we snuggle on the couch ... watch tv, tickle, laugh, wrestle etc. Those are my favorite times and I feel very connected.
So I don't get much time but the time we do have I try to be present and make the most of it. Our car ride, dinner and after dinner snuggles.
I also put both to bed so I get time with DS as I read to him and rock him to sleep and then DD I lay with her until she falls asleep...
Note that I have very very little time connecting with DH..... but I feel like this is the phase we are in now...
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@poppygirl15: commiseration. I'm out of the house 7:45-6pm and my husband is out 9am-7pm, kid bedtime is 8:30. it is such a grind and I am constantly like, oh my god something's gotta give. but, to answer your question, I have really been trying at this for the past few months--what has worked:
-going to bed together EARLY, like 9:30 or 10pm, so we're not too exhausted for sex. (I try for this a couple times a week. I recognize it's obviously not realistic every night plus doing that is at the expense of chores/housework/decompression/alone time.)
-having a drink or tea or something together in the dining room or on the porch now that it's summer. key here is to not be on the couch by the tv and super key is to not have iPhones out. I just ordered upholstered dining room chairs that are really comfy and I'm excited to see if that makes it easier to linger. also if I put a few cookies out we both enjoy it and it feels like more of a "thing"
-sometimes we order takeout and eat after the kids have gone to bed and it's nice to not have to clean up etc. again, no phones out.
doesn't sound like amazing solutions, but I think we've been doing better and fighting less since we started trying harder with this.ETA I totally read this as connection with spouse! did you mean spouse or kids?
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We get home at 5:30 and do bedtime at 7:45 and 8. I usually try to do something outside and physical from 5:30-6:30 because my oldest seems to need to get energy out and my youngest seems to need outside time. So that might be park, back yard, pooltime now, etc. I also like that it keeps me from being distracted by chores/devices. Then I do cooking from 6:30-7ish. I try to involve DS1 (age 4.5) whenever I can with that. I also stopped cooking anything that takes more than 30 minutes this past year and that's been great! Dinner is done at 7:20 or so then we brush teeth, wash up, and put on jammies. Then we do some quiet play before the youngest goes to bed at 7:45. He gets 1:1 time with one parent for books. During that time usually our oldest gets some 1:1 time too playing a board game or puzzle that's harder to do with the youngest around. Then the oldest gets a book from each parent starting at 8:00.
So, if I were going to summarize into actionable tips that I think help my family:
- spend time in areas where you aren't distracted
- limit time spent cooking and involve LOs when possible
- 1:1 time during bedtime routines
- also, we only do bath twice a week -
We limit our phone/computer use btwn 5:15 when we get home and when E goes to bed at 6:30-7. We always do books at bedtime. My husband I hang out separately until 9 and then hang together until 10ish. We clean together once a week and I use a grocery delivery service and these help. We also dont have much of a social life other then family stuff.
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So if this is about kids. We spent about 1-1.5 hours in the morning with them too, but we're all busy, so I wouldn't totally count that as quality time. I think for evenings, we tag team. DH makes dinner, we eat together when I get home at 6. DH cleans up at 6:30 while I play with the girls. When he's done, we usually try to hang out other, no phones. Now that it's summer and it's nice, we either hang out in backyard or walk to playground. Sometimes we'll go out for ice-cream or the store. 7:30 we start bedtime routines. We also don't bathe everyday, if we do bath, we start around 7-ish and I still count that as quality time with them. I think for me it helps also b/c we co-sleep so I feel like we are as close to them as we can ever be lol. And I feel less guilt (or at least that's what I tell myself), I'm rarely not with them on weekends so we're literally together 48 hours straight haha.
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We're not home until around 6:30. For months and months it was a 7:30 bedtime but no matter what I did, DS would never sleep past 5, or on a very good day 5:30. So I finally accepted he's low sleep needs
now he's in his crib by 8:30 and sleeps an hour later and we have a bit more time. Routine is dinner, then play outside if weather is nice or read books on the couch if it's not. I feel like it's a fairly good connection. DH is a different story. I'm pregnant and usually puking multiple times in the evening, so as soon as DS is in bed I either do chores if there's a desperate need or go to bed myself. I figure it's a season.... Today's our five year anniversary and I really should suck it up and do something tonight, but have been puking all day and just don't have the energy, so we're taking a raincheck. 
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@LCTBQE: Hah, you inspire me that there's hope that someday I'll connect with SO in the evenings again! I love these suggestions....
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I read this as connection with spouse too! If that’s right, then I’d say have a glass of wine at 8:30, watch a show, have dessert, go to bed early together. We really try to maximize those 2 hours after LO is in bed with couple time at least 3 times a week. The rest of the days we catch up on work, exercise, etc.
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@RONJAL7: @skinnycow: @graceandjoy: @jennlin821: @peaches1038: @AJSmommy: @lctbqe: @jennypenny: @snarkybiochemist: @ periwinklebee: @jj2626:
Thank you all SO much! It's funny, I was so in the moment when I was writing my post, I didn't even think that it could come across as referring to my kids or DH. I was actually referring to kids, but the sad thing is, I have no connection time with DH either (and I didn't even think to address that fact). Sigh. Your suggestions have been great! I think I am going to ask DH if he wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night just so we can talk about how to re-frame our family life/systems. I know if we stay home to talk, the TV will be on and it won't be relaxed or productive. Thank you all so much! It's also nice to know I'm not alone. -
This is us too - we get the boys up at 6, I leave at 6:20, they get dropped off at 7, I pick them up between 4:30-5, my husband gets home around 5:45, and then it’s dinner/bath/bedtime. I feel guilty about it basically all the time. I try to say yes to them as much as possible when they ask if they can go to the park after school so we don’t just go home and watch tv while I cook dinner, but basically we rely on weekends, and some quality time at bedtime. Every night we alternate which parent reads to which kid so everybody gets some one on one time.
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@poppygirl15: I agree with the no cooking during the week. I schedule Wednesday’s as breakfast for dinner. Park after school or a walk after dinner. Reading at night- no tv and minimal apps on phone if I need to get something done. We have 3 day weekends together due to my schedule but during the 4 days i will slow down and play for alittle with LO and warm up dinner. Eating dinner together and sharing our day even though he’s almost 2 yo. We are connecting and spending time. I also use the later time after bedtime to connect with DH.
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I didn’t read through everything but wanted to note at least for us it’s gotten easier as they’ve gotten older. My girls are mostly happy just playing together in the evening. Every other week DD1 has 4H so that’s time we spend together. Every week DD1 has soccer practice and a soccer game, so DD2 and I are together that entire time (DH works a lot so I’m typically on my own). We go to the playground pretty frequently so feel like that’s bonding time on the walk over. DD1 could use more one on one tome though.
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@poppygirl15: We essentially have the same schedule (our of the house 8-5:15 or so). We all get home, play, eat dinner. I handle bath / bedtime every right (7-8) and DW handles getting up with DS every morning and playing with him / feeding him (6-7). That gives us each time with him and each time alone. She watches Netflix during her hour and I sleep during mine
Now as for connecting with each other .... I got nothing. Haha. We try to go out to dinner alone once a month ...
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We get home around 5:30 and then argue about homework for an hour while I cook dinner. I repeat "sound it out" and "look at the paper" a thousand times. She whines that's all I ever say. By the time DH gets home at 6:30 we've had more connection than either one of us wanted. Done!
(Mostly joking). Yay summer!
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When I pick up DS from school we talk about his day on the drive home and he can talk to me about other things if he chooses. He kind of his my undivided attention for 15 minutes. We cuddle in the couch and read for 10-15 minutes before bed. DH gets him to help with whatever he may be doing in the evening. These days with the nice weather though he mostly just wants to play outside with his friends, so we don’t see him much in the evening.
Finding time when you both work is hard.
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@Corduroy: this is the realest thing I’ve ever heard
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@Corduroy: ugh, as I was writing out my currently lovely evening routine I realized it’s all going to get wrecked when DS1 starts Kindergarten this fall if they have homework
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@JennyPenny: It's not that way everyday. We have good days with trips to the park or pool and lots of connecting time. Our Kindergarten gave weekly homework that we started on Friday and tried to complete during LO2's weekend naps. We mainly felt the crunch if we weren't able to finish on the weekend. Having extended care reliability prioritize homework would be helpful too.
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We try to keep our weekends free from activities so that we can spend time together. Usually that means walking to the park, going for a hike, playing in the yard/driveway. That also means the weekdays are a shit show. We have extra-curricular activities M-Th this summer, two nights a week per child. We turn down the radio and talk in the car. We all go to all the extra-curricular activities, even though only one child and parent have to go. The kids eat dinner, something easy and kid friendly and we all sit together while they eat (some nights, honestly some nights are in front of the TV). We divide and conquer for bed, but each kid gets story time and songs and the other parent comes in for a quick hug and kiss. Also... my house is a mess because I prioritize family time over cleaning it.
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@poppygirl15: Hehe I'm glad you solved the mystery of who you were referring to
It's funny b/c I automatically assumed DH, I guess b/c I know more or less I spend enough quality time with my kids! At least they never complain, but my husband does!
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