Hellobee Boards

@Meow: I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been estranged from my family multiple times. It sounds like at this time you are kind of in the thick of a "fight," so-to-say, so I think the stress is normal. Is bro refusing to speak with you?

I was estranged from my father for awhile. My parents divorced when I was a baby and he moved away. We saw him maybe once a year at Christmas when we were growing up. As I got older, it just became awkward to see him as it was only once a year and I felt I didn't really know him. When I was in college, I asked if he'd pay for my summer semester (I was on scholarship for spring and fall) and he told me that he couldn't because he'd just paid a ton in taxes- okay, no big deal. Then I find out he gave my sister (who he always favored) a large sum of money and paid for a privacy fence for her backyard. I was really hurt that he lied to me and chose my sisters fence over my education. Things continued to sour after that and it got to the point where we never spoke. He lives about 20 minutes from us, and didn't meet my daughter until she was almost 2. We've been speaking more and more, and he seems to be making more of an effort now. We'll never be close, but he is my dad and I'd like some communication with him.

I was estranged from my mom for about 7 years totally and then we would communicate maybe 1-2x a year for the 3 years after that before she passed away. She had a mental illness and also suffered from substance abuse but she couldn't understand how that affected me. Eventually I just had to cut off contact (I was only 14 when we stopped speaking and seeing each other entirely.) it was the best thing for me but I do mourn the relationship that I never got to have.

So sorry you're going through this, family stuff is so hard and complicated. My brother and I were estranged from my mother for about ten years. The tough part for me was that I had two young sisters that she was legally required to see and my father had alimony payments he had to make. So in spite of her mental illness and addictions, I stayed more or less in contact so I could keep an eye on what was happening in her house while my sisters were there. It was really the most depressing part of my life.

What ended up happening for us was that (IMO) she trashed her immune system with drugs, caught MRSA bacterial meningitis, was in a coma for 6 weeks, and is now permanently disabled. What's crazy for us is that my father is her full time caregiver. Mentally she's fully functional but she's still in denial about her mental illness/addictions. The good thing is that she isn't self medicating with drugs and alcohol so she's a lot more stable mentally.

And now I'm the most supportive emotionally of her out of my siblings. And it's mostly to support my father. I feel like he has chosen to support her (not forgive her) and she has the power to make his life miserable so I do what I can to make his life easier.

Family stuff is never easy and my only advice is that toxic people cannot be convinced their behavior is inappropriate. Denial is very strong and I've always been of the mindset that you need to take care of yourself first. But the addicts in my family are all super codependent and need an audience. So I try to deny them that.

My DH and I also had a weird situation with one of his cousins before we got married. She was his roommate and I never really liked her (she is very spoiled and inconsiderate and confrontational), but I Didnt want to be unfair about it. He knew why I didn't like her but they were close so I'd just say, I don't like hanging out with her but you do, so I just won't be around when you do. At the time we were in our early 20s so it wasn't a big deal, we were both working and in college and had different schedules. And had plenty of opportunities to see each other outside of his house.

Anyways, long story short she basically had started gossiping/telling lies about my husband on Facebook to her friends and his family. It caused a huge thing in the extended family (who are incredibly close and who eat family dinner together 2-3 times per week). My DH's policy about the whole thing was to let her run her mouth, but to explain privately to his parents what happened from his perspective. If anyone asked me what happened, I'd just say, "believe what you want, but I just don't want to talk about it." I think my now SIL found that behavior to be too passive and doormat-like but my experience with toxic people has just made me take a general policy of non-engagement because more often than not they just want vindication. If you truly believe that your actions are above reproach you shouldn't need the approval of others.

Now my DH and his cousin are basically in a polite holding pattern where they are civil and polite (she stopped by our baby shower two hours after it was over, but brought a gift) but their relationship will never be close.

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to commiserate I guess and let you know that family stuff is complicated and super stressful. And I'd consider myself to have a pretty good relationship with my family and with DH's family!

So sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you guys can resolve this issues.
I have had major fights with my sisters and mom but we always work to resolve them eventually even if in the heat of the moment I can't imagine ever seeing eye to eye again. I thought most families were like that unless there were major underlying issues (drugs, abuse, etc) but it turns out I was wrong about that because we are pretty much estranged from my sil. She is very stubborn and refused to go along with our wishes for our son once he was born. She essentially wanted it her way whenever she was around and got super nasty towards us. She has shown us time and time again that she does not care about her nephews even a tiny bit unless we go by her rules. She won't even acknowledge them. So we are done with her. We tried to fix it but every chance she got she would just keep showing us that she would not compromise or treat us with an ounce of respect and would go out of her way to do so. I feel really bad for DH but I will not be bullied around. Even when things are bad with my family we have at least respect for each other. When that goes it ia difficult to repair things (in my limited experience)

We were loosely estranged from my MIL for about half a year. If it were up to me it would have been FULLY (as in, didn't last such a short time) and I say loosely because I don't think she saw it that way. We didn't communicate for about 6 months but then she asked DH to go out to dinner to talk. But she's crazy and unfortunately we'll never have a normal relationship with her. We actually moved out of state mostly due to DH's insistence to get away from her. Now, we are not estranged but just try to avoid talking to her, visits, etc. I think a lot of the time estrangements happen because a family member is someone who might have a mental/personality disorder or not listen to reason. If you have a family member dealing with something like bipolar disorder or a personality disorder and not being treated, and they lash out at you, then sometimes the only response that can provide sanity is to cut off all ties. It was hard for me to understand as a kid too.

This isn't someone in my immediate family, but I would say I'm estranged from my aunt. I haven't talked to her in over three years. She was always jealous of me and would complain that I had everything handed to me in life and it wasn't fair. I worked hard for everything I had, but she continued to badmouth me. I still tried to have a good relationship with her and would go out of my way to visit her, even though she never made an effort to do the same for me. The final straw was my wedding. I invited her and her family, and she RSVP'd yes. Well 3 days before my wedding, she e-mailed me to say she couldn't come because her car needed new tires and she couldn't afford to get them replaced. Poor excuse. My grandmother (her mother) offered to pay for a rental car, but my aunt turned the offer down and said it wasn't enough to get her to come. So thanks to her, I had 4 empty seats at my wedding and reception. I already have a small family, so that was like having 25% of my family members not showing up. I never talked to her again after that.

I haven't spoken to my dad is many many years. Time does help heal a lot. I just wanted to add that this reading this thread made me feel better and not so alone.

@Meow: This is such a bizarre situation. I have never heard of anything remotely like this. If the student loan is current, that should be the end of it. Maybe they have really poor credit and are struggling to get a loan anyway? That's not your problem though. I absolutely think this is an unfair request and the fact that your brother can't see that is so odd.

To answer your question, I have been estranged from a loved one for several months over what I can only characterize as a painful betrayal. I forgave and re-opened communication so that we could all move forward - I could not truly detach for very reasons and so it was a constant game of active avoidance. Our relationship is fine now - good, even - but we are not super close or anything.

@Meow: That sounds so crazy! When I bought my house a few years ago they brought up a credit card that's both in my name and my dad's. In practice it's totally my dad's card, he added me to the account so when I shop for him I can just use his card. At the time he was carrying a relatively high balance (0% APR), and the lender was concerned. We showed the card was current and my dad wrote a letter of explanation stating that paying the balance was 100% his responsibility, and that was it! No further questions. I don't think you're being crazy at all, and I don't know why your brother and SIL are being such huge jerks about it. I'm sorry your parents are on you - living with them must be so stressful. Is there any way you could talk to the broker directly about an alternative to the bank statements? I wouldn't trust your brother as a reliable middleman at this point.

@Meow: I was about to say the exact same thing as @Cole: - see if your loan company will let you release your brother as cosigner. Even without the mortgage issue, it would be a good idea for family relations to get your brother's name off your debts.

I bought a house a couple years ago and the paperwork required was INSANE so I understand why the situation is so stressful for them. It's frustrating they're reacting with anger instead of trying to just solve the problem though.

Wow what an absurd situation. I would not feel comfortable giving any addition information either. At the end of the day, it's not really your problem that he chose to cosign for
You. We all need to take responsibility for our own actions and deal with the consequences. I think you've provided adequate information to the lender. It really doesn't sound right that they're asking for additional information from you.