cantaloupe / 6910 posts
I think it sounds like you want your husband to want to stay home and be around the kids. You want him to not use "me time" since you don't use "me time"? Which I get. I don't take me time because I don't feel like I need it. Well ok, like once a month I'll have my husband watch the kids so I can take a long bubble bath. But some men are not wired to have their first priority be the family. Mine included haha!!! He's a great dad, but he's sometimes still in his bachelor mindset so I have to club him back into reality. That being said I encourage him to do his thing regularly. Go to a movie, go play basketball with the boys, go to a basketball game. I can't be mad that he wants to do things just because I don't want to.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
@anonysquire: I agree with this but there has to be a limit to his self indulgence. One weekend day, then she has the *option* to have the other day or at least to not have to be on her own that day seems ok. But I don't see that anyone needs both weekend days when they have little kids. Idk, to me there is a huge difference between occasional me time and golfing all the time and expecting additional me time and not even really appreciating it... and I don't think it's appreciated if he doesn't see that the two days are in any way connected. Sorry this wasn't ALL directed at just you, I just went on a bit of a tangent.
@2littlepumpkins: that makes sense too. Shortly after my 3rd came home from the nicu my husband went to 2 days of all day basketball games. He still owes me for that lol! Thanks for reminding me!!!
pomegranate / 3355 posts
@anonysquire: I have to disagree... It's not about me wanting him to not use or get "his-me time" just bc I don't take any for myself. if that were the case I'd be saying : no golf, no golf lessons, no massage, no golf trip and I'm not saying that. I am merely stating that since I WOH and weekends are my days off too I'd appreciate a little help for at least one day. I didn't ever say he couldn't get his me time for the weekend, I simply said both days, TO ME is too much. I would appreciate him being there to help for at least one day so I/we can get what needs to get done for the week.
I honestly do not feel resentful towards him for needing and getting his me time. In fact I like it most time BUT I do think there needs to be some reason with it and I don't think I should be made to just be "ok" with it. Marriage, raising kids is about compromise. I do not in any way feel that me asking him to only do one alone activity per weekend is being unreasonable.
@2littlepumpkins: yes, this... I just really don't think he needs both weekend days! LOL.. is that so terrible of me??
pomelo / 5540 posts
@Ajsmommy: I agree with you - just because you don't want me time doesn't mean he gets to have yours! What if you explained it to him by saying that while he needs time to himself and you get that, you need time with your family. So in a sense your "me time" involves him. It shouldn't be an issue because either way he'd be home with the kids, this way you're there to help.
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@Ajsmommy: But what can you really do, tell him no? I don't know how you enforce it.
What ended up happening? Is he going for the massage?
@erinbaderin: I see what you're saying...... I honestly just need him around to hold the baby while I wash/sterilize bottles or to deflect the mountain of questions DD is asking me while I put away laundry... I basically just need the extra set of hands. It's impossible to get everything done with a 4 month old who needs to be held/entertained every 20 mins and a 3.5 yr old who wants to do this or that or is asking a million questions. I just need him to run interference for a bit and honestly I don't think that is absurd for me to want/need....
persimmon / 1273 posts
@Ajsmommy: I haven't read most of the thread so sorry if I'm stating the obvious. But this doesn't really seem to be a conflict over me time and more just that you need more help from him? I know that if I was solo a lot during the work week, I'd really struggle being solo a lot on the weekend too because I just can't get everything done on my own and there is only so much you can let things go, ya know?
I have to be specific in explaining how I'm feeling and making it clear that cleae struggling struggling to manage. Like I've asked my husband if he can make it home 15 minutes earlier a few nights a week cause even 5:45 vs 6 makes a huge difference in managing the evening rush.
@gilmoregirl: yes yes and yes
@Ajsmommy: I usually just keep going until I have a total meltdown from being overwhelmed so my best advice is try not to do that lol. But I would talk to him about how you're feeling. He might be more receptive if you move the conversation away from his golf plans, etc. entirely and just frame it as "I am really struggling and need your help".
@gilmoregirl: oh, I have been asking for help and we have been having these conversations regularly.
As always this whole thing is a work in progress. And as I previously stated going from 1 to 2 kids has been HARD. I was having a very hard time on weeknights getting everything done and I told him over and over I needed help or something.. well he simply can't help due to his work so we made adjustments so that weeknights are now going "ok" for me. We pre cook meals so I don't have to cook most nights. And that is really helping... but of course that is ONE More thing that needs to get done on the weekend
we are slowly working through all of this and trying to get the kinks worked out. Maybe that's why when he said he wanted to go both sat and sun I was so taken aback! LOL.. I truly believe though that the brunt of the mental work/prep/worry falls to me. He just doesn't get it. He continually tells me that there are single women out there who take care of two kids all by themselves and therefore I shouldn't have such a difficult time (this is when I tell him I'm struggling or I need help)... he also says I need to change how I parent and get more lax. Basically that I'm worrying/stressing for nothing and I just have to lower my expectations. And I do agree with him to some degree. I do put pressure on myself that doesnt' necessarily have to be there.... but on the other hand I think things would be so much more easy IF he could help on work nights and IF he would help for one full day on the weekend
honeydew / 7622 posts
@Ajsmommy: woah that comment comparing you to a single mom is concerning. What about single dads? To me it seems that he sees you as the primary/ default parent.
watermelon / 14467 posts
@Ajsmommy: The single parent comment bothers me. Yes, there are parents out there who do it on their own, but they have to. You don't have to, you have a partner who should be helping out. He doesn't get to live like a fun single guy without kids while you take care of everything else family-related and it's unfair of him to expect that.
@youboots: @avivoca: yup. I agree. Trust me we've gone round and round.... That comment/argument shouldn't even be made in my opinion. And I tell him that. I'm NOT single and I DIDN'T sign up to do this by myself.
pomelo / 5524 posts
@Ajsmommy: Hmm...if I remove the single parent comment, I'm still not seeing this as a big deal. Being able to have "me" time on the weekend both days is fine with me. Especially because the massage is only 2 hours of alone time. He has the rest of the day to be able to help.
What I see is that he's treating himself as if his worth to the family is far greater than yours. That your work isn't as important, and your "job" is to take care of the kids while he "helps." No...he is an equal parent just like you are. If my husband ever told me that single moms do it and I shouldn't struggle as much, there would be a huge problem in our house. I am NOT a single mom. I'm a mom just like he's a dad. He needs to act like he is as much of an equal parent as I am and take some responsibility in the household.
I think this is why I'm not bothered by the request for more alone time, because in my house, my husband does just as much as I do when it comes to the kiddos. I drop off in the morning and he picks up in the afternoon, gets their dinner ready and has them fed before I even get home from work. One gives them a bath and we switch kids every night as to who we read to. He is fully capable of parenting our children for a full week without me when I go on a business trip. He has a week long training and I'm fully capable of handling everything with the kids from my side. You're right...it is about compromise, and he needs to understand that since his job is priority during the week, he is primary parent on the weekends when he doesn't have me time.
I'm totally seeing this in a different light now. It's more about him thinking he just has to help once in a while instead of being an actual parent. That would bother me too.
@2PeasinaPod: I agree that me time is great. But I feel that the parent who is responsible for caring for the children is part of the discussion rather than just informed.
I totally consider DH to be an equal parent but it took time to get there- I was the default parent for the first year of DDs life because she was breastfeeding and did not care for bottles.
grapefruit / 4321 posts
Yeah... I was on his side until the single parent comment. I mean two hours for the massage isn't all day. So you can certainly still get the laundry and the dishes and the cooking done during the other hours of the day when he's there to help. But it sounds like this is a much bigger issue of him thinking you are the primary parent and he can just "help" when he feels it's convenient. If my husband ever told me I shouldn't need more from him because single mothers do it all alone, it would not be pretty.
@anonysquire: haha claim it!! I think also my perception on this may be different because when my dh says something is "2 hours" that really means minimum 4 hours that he will be gone, and 4 hours means 5 or 6, etc.
I guess in light of that maybe what if he just did both things in one day? For me personally I would be way happier with that, so I didn't have to plan around activities that may take longer both days.
cantaloupe / 6131 posts
@Ajsmommy: Nope, you're husband is #cancelled for that single mom quip. Hell to the no. Having two kids means man on man defense, not leaving mom to figure it out. My husband would have gotten sliced if he said something like that.
persimmon / 1436 posts
If this were my husband, I would tell him he can wash the bottles and he can put the laundry away before he leaves and to have fun. And I would book a mani/pedi for the next weekend.
grapefruit / 4187 posts
Wow well there is clearly an issue with the way he views your role in the family. My DH and me split parenting and housework right down the middle (and you could even argue that he does more!) so if he made this same request I'd be inclined and happy to grant it. I know he would do the same for me in a heartbeat. It seems like your DH thinks the kids are "your problem" and he is a hero for helping out at all. It's definitely something that needs to be addressed before it causes damage in your relationship. Of course we are only hearing your side here, I'm sure there is more to it, but it should be discussed.
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