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@Ajsmommy: I wouldn't do any of those things unless/until you have a very well established relationship and they suggest those things. I live in a building with 3 kids my kiddos's ages on our floor, some just a door or 2 down--but still, I don't send my 5.5 year old over to play by herself unless we have a scheduled drop off playdate.

I wouldn’t allow my child to go over unannounced/unaccompanied or be happy about someone else’s kid showing up at my house unannounced and alone if I didn’t know the parents and we hadn’t already established some ground rules and what we are
comfortable with.

I have all of these same worries/concerns! Our next door neighbors have a child the same age as mine, and they want to play together a lot. We never really established any ground rules, but I try hard not to let her go next door unless it is a super normal time (never too early or too late, and only on weekends).

I know the mom has just had a 3rd baby, so my stance right now is that my DD is basically not allowed to go over there at all.

@Ajsmommy: It sounds like the neighbor kid has been over to your house multiple times already, so I wouldn't be super worried about them not liking the drop-in visits since they allowed their daughter to do the same.

I think if I was in your situation, I would stop over there some day, maybe on a weekend afternoon when people aren't super busy with dinner/bedtime routine. I would introduce yourself, say something like, "I love that DD has found a friend in the neighborhood so quickly! I just wanted to let you know that your daughter is welcome at our house any evening - feel free to have her run over if you see that we're home!" (or whatever you're comfortable with). Then ask, "What about you guys? Do you mind if DD stops over unannounced?" And make sure they know it's ok to send the kid home anytime they need to if it's not a good time, and that you will do the same.

I guess I just think it's important to at least meet these people when you're sending your DD to their house, and get on the same page with them, before it gets to be a problem and someone gets angry. I would approach it as introductions and letting them know what you're ok with.

ETA: sorry, didn't read that you have already met the mom! I think the conversation still applies though - to have an open conversation about what you're ok with, and find out if they are too.

@Ajsmommy: Seems like a completely legitimate worry!

I can only speak to my own childhood. I grew up in a suburban neighborhood. We got home from school and did homework and got a snack, then went outside to play with the other kids. We lived on a cul-de-sac, so we just walked next door or a few doors down, knocked on the door (if the kids were not outside already), and asked if they could play. If they couldn't, we went on with our lives, but 99% of the time we were all outside together until our parents called us in for dinner (signaling the end of the night socially). Our parents would occasionally come outside and chat with each other for a bit, check on us, etc., but they didn't socialize every day. My parents kept the front door open (with a "storm door"/screen closed) so that they could peek out and see us whenever they wanted. We always ended up randomly in one person's front yard or another. We bounced between houses but knew that some families were okay with us being welcomed inside and some not, so we stood at the doorway of those that weren't comfortable and entered when asked to for the others. (We never just barged in.)

I think different neighborhoods have different vibes and a lot of this will work itself out naturally as you settle in. My DH grew up in a very rural setting with no kids to play with and has always been sad about that when he hears about my childhood, so I'm sure your DD will have wonderful memories!

So we live in a neighborhood where the kids run around between each other's houses and interact pretty freely and I LOVE it! Starting last summer when he was 6 we let him go down the street 3 houses because there are three backyards that back up to each other there that all have kids his age. Sometimes the whole crew comes down to our house. If your garage door is open, that's the signal that you're home. They come knock on the door and if he can't play we just say no, and vise versa. They're often just outside, and if they're planning to play inside then we text the other parents and let them know where the kids are. Some of the kids are allowed to go further than my son is, but I know that some of them still have rules restricting crossing streets and going around the block without telling anyone like our son does. I absolutely love that he's spending days playing outside with friends instead of playing video games or being stuck in the house, or making me play with him all the time.

I think you can just establish some ground rules and get the other parents phone numbers so that you can keep tabs on her a little better.

I’d say you need to have a conversation with the parents- like legit know their names, where they moved from, why they picked this neighborhood etc. At 4 years old, do not send your kid over unannounced. If you see them outside just ask how long they plan to play outside. If the parent indicates they are about to head inside then you can tell your daughter we’ll play next time. Friend them on FB and exchange phone numbers so you can text and set up play time. Also let them know the best time for them to come over and play and encourage them to be open about it too.

My house has a shared backyard that has a small path to a secondary street. About 20 back decks feed into that yard. Starting at 5 I see the kids running back and forth between the decks. The kids play in the communal yard and the parents bounce in and out of the house (they're grilling, taking out trash, walking the dog..)

My kids are younger, buy my rule is that you can't pounce on kids when they first get home (you can be playing outside where you hope they will see you and come out) and you can't drop in on people. I'll text the parents.

Because my kids are younger the text is "do you want to send A outside to play with J? We are doing water table". I then will watch both kids until dinner time when I return A to his deck.

With our new neighbors, I make it a priority to small talk and ask about boundaries. If our kids play well, I FB message or text them for generic play dates. I always make it clear it's fine to say no.

My kids and my next door neighbors kids pounce as soon as they see each other come home. It was a little awkward to navigate at first because no one wanted to be rude if we had things to do and couldn’t supervise a play date, but now that we know each other better, and the kids know us better, we have no problem saying that we can’t play right now, or yelling over the fence to come over, etc... The kids are all still young now (ranging 2.5 - 5.5) so supervision is always required, but I expect as the littlest ones get bigger they will run freely between the yards, and get sent home when it’s not convenient

Short story - it may be awkward at first, but hopefully you’ll figure out a rhythm.

@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I think age comes into play here too though. Your son is still quite young for neighbor friends. I think it can be much more relaxed once their school aged.

If I don't want kids in my house when they pop by I just say no. I don't have to let in every 6 year old that comes and knocks on my door. And now I always have extra snacks available... which reminds me @Ajsmommy: we asked about allergies and if it's ok to share snacks during that initial conversation too.

DS is 6 and we live on a cul de sac with quite a few kids. These are our rules, there are lots of kids who seem to just run freely but this doesn’t make us comfortable as there is still quite a bit of traffic.

He can play in the backyard anytime we are home. If he wants to go into another yard he has to tell us where he will be. Any of the kids can come to our yard if he’s out there as long as they play nice. He is not aloud out in the front to play unless one of us are out there to keep an eye on him. We don’t have kids in our house and he isn’t to go in anyone’s house. So far this is working for us and as he gets older the rules may change.

Sometimes kids come to our door to ask DS to come out to play and he will go to others doors to ask them out.

I think the hardest part for DS is that it seems like he has an earlier bedtime than a lot of the other kids and sometimes he has a hard time with coming in.

I agree this varies hugely based on the neighborhood and on the individual families. It sounds like your neighbors are pretty laid back so leaving your daughter for a bit wouldn't be a big deal but I'm also trying to navigate that awkward "Hey I'm just going to go home for a little bit." So for example my daughter will be playing in our yard and then go over to the neighbor's if they are out (they're much older though--11 and 15), but if we're walking by and she runs to the yard I feel like I have to say something. If you're comfortable I'd just say "I'm really awkward at navigating these things. I'm totally fine with X coming over to play any time--is it okay if my daughter goes to your house to play too?"

I'd LOVE if our neighborhood kids would just come over, but the other parents seem to feel like they need to ask/set up ahead of time. The few occasions it has happened I've always said "Really, please feel free to pop in any time or send X over to play."

@Ajsmommy: I was maybe 8-10? So I was one of the older kids. There were younger kids outside too, but we all had older siblings who were "in charge" while we were outside. We had ground rules too: no going past a certain house's yard (like an invisible line!), shout "car!" and get everyone out of the road if someone turned into the cul-de-sac, etc. This was a neighborhood jam-packed with kids in every house, so everyone knew to drive for kiddo safety, etc. Definitely wasn't the retirement neighborhood.

So DD is 4 and regardless of how ‘free range’ the neighborhood is I would not be cool with kids dropping by sans parents and vice versa for quite awhile. Even at older ages I would escort her there or walk another child home. I don’t care how ‘safe’ or ‘friendly’ a neighborhood is. I’m just not comfortable. It seems most neighborhood kids are her age or younger- so I don’t currently see much of this going on. I think an honest conversation with some clear boundaries are good.

Our old neighborhood was on a very busy highway so this was not an option at all in the past.

I don't have a lot of experience in this area but my friend uses 2 signs like this in the road as a visual "heads up" to drivers:

https://www.amazon.com/Children-Playing-Caution-Driveways-Double-Sided/dp/B01E68CJ14/