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@ShootingStar: FWIW, I grew up with my parents (err, my mom) doing EVERYTHING while working long manual labor jobs. They couldn't afford outside help anyway, but my mom was a tightly-wound, control-freak who fed her anxiety through trying to keep the house neat and clean. She was a tense, stressed out, screaming crazy lady for the vast majority of my childhood.
MIL was a SAHM of 3 (that were all under 2 years apart) and basically the house was just a hot mess all the time. She couldn't juggle cooking meals and managing 3 kids very well so DH just remembers awful meals, or fast food, or TV dinners, and there never being enough groceries in the house because his mom couldn't get a list together and was always forgetting something. He said he and his siblings would fight over cereal all the time because it was like the only snack in the house and his mom could never understand why there was NEVER cereal around for breakfast.
All this is to say, just because our parents managed without help doesn't mean it was GOOD. We make more money than either of our parents and even though we get raised eyebrows from them about having paid help for things, its like well, we'd rather just be less stressed out and present for each other and our children. We'd just rather NOT spend our time changing our own oil or mowing our lawn or scrubbing our toilets. Or fighting about who is going to do those things! I'd rather feel my BP go down when I walk in the house because I see vacuum lines on my rug and peacefully start dinner. There's no price tag for peace like that!
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I also think, in terms of "doing it all", that some people have rose colored glasses about it, as Gingerbebe sort of touched on.
I used to think my mom did it all when I was growing up, and I would chime into conversations like these with "My mom managed to do it all, so I know it's possible" but when I actually talked to her about it and really thought back--it wasn't exactly true. She didn't always work. There were times when she stayed home a couple of years after having another baby. There were times when we had a cleaning lady. There were times when we, the kids, were home all day long by ourselves on Saturdays with a long chore list of things to clean because Mom was out all day grocery shopping for the week, so we had to do all the cleaning . Obviously that was when we were older.
And recently, my mom was recounting how she made it work when I was a baby--I was the 5th kid and my dad had to transfer jobs to another state, but the old house wasn't selling, so my mom had to stay there alone with 5 kids and a full time teaching job and a new baby (and a 2 year old!). She frequently tells me it was the worst time in her life. When I asked her how she did it, she filled in a lot of gaps with information I never knew before. All the younger kids were watched by a neighbor. But a separate neighbor came over evenings to help. My oldest brother had to do all the yard work since my dad was gone. And my oldest sister had to clean the house on weekends.
Some people have family help. Some people have messy houses. Some people never work out, or eat out every night. I have a really hard time believing many people out there are doing it all and having it all, you know?
Something is giving somewhere.
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I am desperate for help! I would love a housekeeper a few days a week but I don't think we can make it work yet
I'm considering other ways to help like wash and fold laundry service etc. But right now basically we just suffer
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@ShootingStar: We don't have household help (yet!) but once we have another, I will probably try to get more. DH and I have been talking about this alot and we don't know too many people who have dual full-time careers and who also manage to "do it all" alone. Of my co-workers with kids, most have a spouse who is SAH or works only part-time. DH's co-workers have nannies or au-pairs, or grandparents who live with them full-time, or other situations like that. It seems like most people have some sort of village to help them out, whether they pay for it or not.
I think back to my childhood and seriously, my parents took so many short cuts. I was babysitting my brother by the time I was only 8 years old. We ate so many frozen dinners, the house was rarely cleaned, and we spent tons of time with grandparents, cousins, neighbors, you name it. Plus, my mom never even worked full-time! Plus consider how much more pressure there is for us to do time consuming things, like breastfeeding/pumping instead of formula, homemade meals instead of pre-made, etc. I can't tell you how many times I cooked mac & cheese from a box for me and my little brother on school nights as a kid, but DH can't fathom the idea of giving our LO anything less than healthy, homemade dinners every night. We are hanging on right now, but add another kid to the mix, and we are definitely going to need help too.
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We were like you guys. DH grew up with a cleaning lady every other week, and that was something my parents never would have paid for. I was pretty adamant that we did not need one, but when I went back to work after LO#2, we decided to have someone come every other week. Honestly, it's been amazing. I used to have to do a lot of the cleaning, and this takes a load off me. Are our lives still nuts? Yes...we have two kids, 20.5 months apart, and I teach, but this is one thing that helps.
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100% agree with everyone else who said get a housekeeper. I was opposed to it at first, because I thought I could just do it. But ours isn't "that" expensive, does an amazing job and frees up my weekends to do other things.
Also, I've used cooking from the heart for meal delivery and it's pretty good! I've been thinking of trying foodery too if they deliver to your area!
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I say ditch the idea that "other people do it, so we should". Seriously. Who cares what other people do. Instead of approaching it as "Why do we need this" try approaching this as "Why wouldn't we do this?"
It's all about priorities. What do you want out of life? Most people would say they want more time with their family. So if you have the funds to hire out work, why not? We do. Yes, I could do all the cleaning, but it would make me more stressed and give me less time with my son, so why would I? If the financial hit would make things tight, in a way that would be stressful, then you obviously need to balance out which is more stressful. But I think it's silly of him to just dismiss it outright because you could survive without it. I mean, I could grow all my own vegetables, but I don't - I am happy to spend money at the grocery store!
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DH and I will be sitting down to truly figure out what extra help we will need after DD arrives. We already have someone clean the house once a month, but I'm thinking we should up it to every 2 weeks for our sanity. DH also said he'd consider starting Blue Apron or something b/c he's willing to cook as long as he doesn't have to buy things/come up with a meal plan. DS will still be in full-time preschool during my maternity leave, and I'd imagine we'll be doing a lot of dividing and conquering. I'll probably get the baby due to breastfeeding and he'll get DS more of the time. I'd personally say that if you have the money, it's worth solving some potential problems/problems with it. That's what we tend to do, and it's worth it!
ETA: I'd even consider adding an evening babysitter at least a couple times a week if that would help with the craziness that is bedtime/bottle washing/laundry/prep, etc.
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So DH and I had a talk about this tonight and he was on board with household help 4 hours a week. It will save us $300/month over having a morning nanny, and he was more comfortable with that. I think it's a good compromise and a worthwhile expense
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@ShootingStar: how are you going to find someone? This is what I struggle with
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@gotkimchi: I'll use care.com or ask around on some local Facebook pages.
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If I had the money, I would get a chef to prepare meals, and a part time nanny, on top of the house cleaner. I'd also get a baby sitter for date nights every couple weeks.
I do find value in "doing it yourself", but I think most of it is overrated.
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@pregnantbee: If cost is an issue, a good middle ground is Cook Smarts - they provide a menu plan, recipes, and grocery list and they endeavor to repeat the use of ingredients during the week so that you're wasting less food and it's vastly less expensive than a meal delivery service. They have a variety of eating styles to choose from too!
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@gingerbebe: Oooooh, will keep that in mind. Thanks for the rec!
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@Pumpkin Pie: Haha! I'd LOVE a personal chef/shopper.
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@ShootingStar: Sounds awesome!
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@ShootingStar: Thanks so much for raising this topic. We have two big fur-babies and LO #1 on the way and we already feel maxxed out. Lots of bickering and stupid fighting due to stress, limited time and a messy house. So not worth the marital breakdown to try to "do it all." So your post prompted me to get quotes for a weekly housecleaner. Yay!
Not to thread hijack but since @gotkimchi: brought it up, what do you all think of hiring a Craigslist find if I can get multiple good references? I have an Angie's List person who would has great references but is about $100 more a month than the Craigslist person and that's about the amount of money that would make me get the housecleaner only every other week. I really want every week! I haven't checked out the Craigslist person's references yet but I will... Just curious since Craigslist has gotten so sketchy.
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If we both worked outside the house, I would def outsource some of the housework.
I say if you have the money / room in the budget, go for it. I don't want to budget for it right now So I just struggle through, but there are definitely times when I wish we could cut back elsewhere to afford some help!
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Twice a week seems unnecessary to me personally. I think once a week or every other week to do regular cleaning would suffice for us personally. I don't find dishes and laundry to be that big of a deal during the week. It's keeping up with bathrooms, vacuuming and dusting that get us. But if you can afford it and it will improve your life, go for it. You can always pull back or add more...
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@catomd00: So my thought with having someone come twice a week is that they can help us with all the things we get backed up on that need to be done more regularly - emptying and filling the dishwasher, taking care of bottle and pump parts, doing laundry (baby, toddler, sheets/towels). And then on top of that doing the regular deep cleaning like bathrooms and floors. But obviously they don't need to clean the same bathroom twice a week.
I'm imagining some tasks I'll want them to do every visit, and some will be once every couple weeks, or even once a month.
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@ShootingStar: I would love to have someone do those tasks twice a week--amazing! I think it's a great decision if you can afford it. Our nanny does the girls' laundry every week (and hangs/puts it away, too!) and just having that one task off our plates has helped us so much.
I'm considering other ways to help like wash and fold laundry service etc. But right now basically we just suffer
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