I was having a conversation with a friend about being the parent who manages all of the logistics of the house the other day and how hard it was to explain to DH the sheer number of things I keep up with in my head, then I ran across this comic this morning and it explains it so well. Anyone else the only "household manager" for their homes?
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So, so on point for me at this time. It's so rough. Thanks for giving me a laugh about it
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Yes. This definitely hits home for me. I hear DH say "you should have asked" or "why didn't you say something" so often. Like dude, the dishes have to be washed every day. Laundry doesn't just need to make it to the washing machine, etc... I feel like I have a hundred to do lists running through my head at all times and they are all things he would never think of. We missed out on 3 events with his family recently because I said I would not do all of the planning/coordinating and he dropped the ball.
I find myself playing little games of chicken regularly to see how long he would let something go, but all that does is make me mad because he would let dishes sit for days if I don't specifically ask him to do them. Honestly, I find it exhausting but haven't come up with good ways to deal with it. -
I don't think my household is quite as bad as described in the comic, but it's pretty close!! I especially loved the example of clearing off the table. This is 100% accurate! And my husband has no idea why it takes me so long to clear it. Or if he clears it, he ends up throwing out bills or putting things I need away in places I can't find. The mental load is huge and exhausting!
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@catgirl: @mrs.shinerbock: I find it helps to make a chore totally one person's job. So maybe you can put your husband in charge of dishes and voice it more like "everyday before you go to bed it is your job to make sure the dishes are done and put away". This way the other person knows what the expectations are.
In our house for example my job is laundry and DH is meals so he does the grocery shopping and cooking. I collect the laundry, wash it, dry it, fold it and put it away.
This lets us get some chores off our mental load because it is on the other person's -
This article/comic really hit home for me. There's no question that I'm household project manager and default parent. I find it a struggle to sit down at night because there's so much to do, so that the house won't be in total disarray most nights. On top of that, there's always something in the back of my mind that needs to be done and ready for the next day.
I'm convinced that the mental load on top of parenting and work is why I've been so physically and mentally exhausted lately. I recently started seeing a therapist for depression because I was so numb and tired to everything in my life. The mental load has weighed me down heavily.
It's not to say that my husband doesn't contribute to the house and household chores, but the mental balancing of balls doesn't happen in his head.
I relate a lot to this comic.
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Whenever these kinds of posts come up, I feel like a total slacker because I really don't give up much mental space to thinking about these kinds of tasks...if my husband goes to the grocery store, which he does every Saturday morning, he brings the bags up from the car and puts the items away.
In some cases, yes, I do need to ask for help, but then again, he's not asking me to pay any of the bills or schedule the yearly opening of the sprinkler system.
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So true. The in-laws came to stay for a week in April. I told DH he needed to plan the meals. I wasn't going to do it. They're picky and so is he so he can deal with that. Did he? No. He wanted to wait till they got here to see how they were feeling and what they wanted. So I had to be he one to nag and nag and get them to come up with meals. Guess who came up with the ideas? Yeah it was me...they would have starved I guess. So frustrating.
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@Pumuckl: Does your husband follow through with the dishes? I can ask for my husband to do a chore before bed. I get a 50% return rate on it. Sometimes, he does it. Sometimes, he doesn't.
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@Pumuckl: Yes, I think that's it, if you assign a chore to someone, it has to be the complete task, not just a piece of it. Laundry is in my domain, I do all of it. Paying the bills is in my husband's domain, again, all of it.
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If you want to do further reading, this is sometimes called "emotional labor"
The website ask.metafilter.com had a really extensive discussion about it, which was archived and put into a pdf:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0UUYL6kaNeBTDBRbkJkeUtabEk/view?pref=2&pli=1 -
Omg this! I will say my hubs is pretty great about helping out, but he does have a lot of childish bad habits that I constantly correct (like dude how many times do I need to tell a 30 year old man to put your dirty socks in the laundry instead of on the living room floor?).
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@caterw: My husband and I got into a mini tiff about this yesterday. I wanted him to not throw the dirty laundry near the sorter (downstairs) and actually put it in there. He was confused why I'm so upset about it. He said that he needed it labeled to know which one to put it in. It felt so dumb and easy at the same time.
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Yes I probably take on a good chunk of the "mental load" my DH probably does take on a higher actual percentage of house hold chores. I didn't even think about the "emotional load" which I'm sure also often falls to the women.
The task of clearing the table is very true for us. If I clear the table I take the time to put away the kids craft stuff (and while I'm there close the top to the markers/glue and throw away scraps) where he will just move the pile of crafts from the table to the desk.
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@Pumuckl: We do the same thing.
@cascademom: If the dishes were always your husband's responsibility, then it's not about asking him and he may or may not do it. You just don't say anything and if they're not done, then he has more to do the next day.He is in charge of dishes all the time, I'm in charge of laundry all the time. Sometimes that means that we have a pile of dirty dishes by the sink for three days, but I'm not going to touch them. They're his responsibility and letting them pile up is only more work for him. Sometimes the extra mess drives me a little crazy, but taking on everything by myself would drive me more crazy.
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Haha I totally can relate! I am definitely THE household manager. I think for us, we just have a very different standard. DH can do the minimal and be happy with it but my standards are very very high. I think we balance each other out by him telling me that I don't have to do everything everyday, and I'll ask him for help so we can get things done faster.
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The example with the table is spot on. I actually think we have a pretty even division in terms of household tasks, but the mental work is definitely all me. Then again, we are in agreement that right now with three little kids my job is to be household manager.
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Thankfully, we pretty much split this in my household. Like others said above, we both have assigned tasks and we don't really deviate from it. For example, I do all the cooking, making grocery lists, etc. and he does all the dishes. I don't nag him about it or stress (most of the time) and eventually things get done.
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For us it's not actually the "chores" that cause the issues. DH washes the dishes, I put them away. I do my laundry and the kids and put it away, DH does his own. So I feel that we are pretty split in that dept and we both hold up our ends. For me the issue is the nightly routine(which I just posted about) and all the other little things that DH doesn't have to even worry about. Such as the kids clothes/wardrobes, hygiene, meds (unless I ask him to give them, but then I have to ask him to do it...), dr's appts, 3 mos old sleep, breastfeeding, pumping... I'm definitely feeling it these days. I just keep hope that as time passes everything will work out and I won't completely burn out!! I asked DH for help this weekend and it did NOT go well. He feels burned out with his job and that he can't possibly do anything more so I just have to figure it out.
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My DH is great but I do think he kind of had to be reconditioned, you know? I still relate a lot to the comic and we've had some tough discussion where I tried to get him to understand all the mental tasks that fell to me. I totally agree with the other posters that having tasks that one person is just fully in charge of helps. I realized one day that I was in charge of the dr's appointments for everyone in the house, including our dog. So I told my DH he was in charge of the dog's vet appointments now which made it feel equal to me. And never asked him about it again. Yes, it was a little late but he brought the dog to the vet for her check up.
I think it's hard too because there are certain tasks that I like being in charge of, like paying the bills. I don't mind doing that. And I like to cook and naturally I think as an extension of breastfeeding I became in charge of food for our LO. Then suddenly one day you realize things are pretty off balance. It was particularly hard during her first year bc nature just makes it impossible then to be even I think. It's gotten so much better now and I've learned a lot about how I want to try to operate a little differently when we have another baby.
@Ajsmommy:
I think that it's just impossible for the first year for it to not uneven. It is so hard but it did get so much equal feeling and easier for me over time. I did feel like I had to be very insistent about making our loads as equal as possible. Hugs to you mama.
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I liked this article. It explained it better than I've ever seen. I was talking to DH about it and I think the chores are fairly split. We have complete ownership of them and don't worry about if the other has done them. So no mental work there. I do take care of more of the organization for LO, but hubby does take care of all bills and a good chunk of maintenance and LO's dentist appointments (not sure how he became in charge of that one, but I'm not complaining). I never think of it. Plus, DH pointed out (and I think it's true), that I do like planning and organizing things more than him. I also think that something that really really helped is that DH took 10 weeks paternity leave when I went back to work. It forced him to take on the mental work and forced me to let him.
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This used to be us exactly. But over time since DS1 was born it has gotten a bit better. The big thing is some tasks have become DH's both mentally and physically. For example the dog. He now manages the feeding, medicine, vet appointments, grooming. I'd say I still take care of 80% of the mental load but even having some of it off my plate is so relieving.
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hahaha, I sent this to my husband with the email subject title: incredibly fucking important: read this
and he sent me this back. whoops
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I have to say, I don't really identify with this. At least, not the resentment associated with it. I am responsible for certain things and I know them best, and DH is responsible for other things and knows those best.
We split things up based on our interest/skills. For example, I have no interest in yard work. I despise it. DH does the mowing, the weed wacking, buys the fertilizer, hires people to spray for pests, etc. I tend to deal more with the kids clothes and foods and things. DH would do that stuff if I needed him to, but if I left it to him he'd probably never buy DD any clothes and just have her wear her brother's hand me downs, lol.
We both work hard at our jobs and around our house. We both know what needs to be done and we do it, or we slack and that's ok sometimes too. If there's something I normally do that I need help with, I ask DH. And sometimes I take over some of his normal stuff to help him out. We are a partnership.
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@LCTBQE: Haha, yeah my husband would be pissed if I sent this to him his a nudge, lol. He'd definitely have some comments of his own.
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Oh man. Rings true. We're not quite as bad as the comic, but there are a lot of similarities. The mental load is exhausting. This is our #1 discussion/fight issue. And really, I don't know how to fix it. Like my husband will say, I will go to the grocery store for you, just give me a list. Well, the problem is *I* am responsible for keeping the list, which means keeping track of everything we need for dinners, what LO needs for lunch and snacks at school, what I need for work, what little household things we need, etc.! It saves me like 5% of the work if he just goes to the store.
I suppose I could just say "okay, you are responsible for groceries," but honestly, I'm not sure it would work. He would get stuff for LO. But I would never have what I need for work, we wouldn't have anything for dinners, etc. I don't know. Maybe I need to give him a chance.
Like someone else said, if I give him "tasks" he does them. But that means I have to be keeper of the tasks and ultimately responsible.
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@LCTBQE: lol, love it!
@ShootingStar: I agree with you. We def have our "domains" that we rather control anyway. I do no cooking, and I don't do anything in the yard either. And I take care of all of our financial stuff/bills b/c he doesn't have a clue haha. But I def agree about the mental load that it's waaay bigger for me than for him.
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@cascademom: We have that same sorter! And I had a very similar issue with my husband about what goes where. Labeling is such a good idea, haha.
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Thiiiiiis! It fully explains everything that I am always trying to explain to DH. It's not completely his fault that he can't help with many of these things, but it is why I harp on him to take care of the shit he can do. Ugh.
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@Adira: It was a case of why didn't I do this months ago and avoid the fight. My husband is very much a "needs to be spelled out" type of guy. I wish that he would understand the mental load better because it's partly why I'm therapy now. I can only manage so much before I'm exhausted and not communicating well enough.
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i very much relate with this and partly, it's an issue with DH's work/training because he's on 24 hour shifts, so nothing can really just be "his domain" because otherwise how would we get fed? then on days he's home, he would ONLY be doing his chores and that's no fun either. but i'm struggling with this issue and we had a long talk about it last night, but i think this comic would help him get what i'm trying to say. i don't think it's harping at all, i think it just explains it in a concise way. and that's not to say that DH doesn't do a lot, but for me, it's the thought behind it, which right now, feels like not a lot.
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Y.E.S. This. ugh...
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My husband's version of clearing off the table (in our house it's the kitchen counter) is to put everything in a bag and hide it in the basement then play dumb when I can't find something. Yeah, I clean the counters now. But overall he really is amazing and will clean or make dinner or whatever we need. My brother in law is totally like the comic though. I don't know how my sister deals with it.
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@merriment: Emotional labor is slightly different than mental load; which is why the comic artist noted at the end that she's planning to do a separate one on emotional labor (which I am eagerly awaiting). I think emotional labor impacts life in the workplace a lot more.
I feel like DH does a much better job than your average husband with taking responsibility and understanding household stuff. For example, I just left on a 4-day trip for work and didn't have to leave him with any special instructions or anything, and DD was perfectly fine and the house was pretty much in order when I got back. But, I sent him this comic and he readily agreed that he doesn't take on the mental load of planning and organizing and anticipating and scheduling everything that is needed for the house, the kid, the dogs, us, etc. I think that's probably true.
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I would love to hear some tips/suggestions from others who have been able to improve this in their lives/marriages. I am not sure how to fix it or what steps to take, other than telling my husband "you're responsible for x" and just letting things crash and burn?
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This is a great cartoon!
My marriage is relatively even from a chores perspective, but I manage the calendar and the logistics. I am ok with that most of the time, but sometimes it feels overwhelming.
My current gripe with my husband is that he ignores me when I ask him to manage my expectations. For instance, this weekend was his college reunion. He couldn't decide if he wanted us (me + our son) to go with him, and he couldn't decide if he even wanted to go himself. It worked out but he waited til the last minute and it was annoying. If I didn't already have a lot going on, then I guess I could be more go-with-the-flow. But with two careers and a three-year-old, I need to be able to make plans in advance. It just helps to keep me sane.
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@PawPrints: I can't wait to see the one on emotional labor! I think I see how emotional labor and mental load are different, but they also seem to mush together. Is it the case that sometimes (oftentimes?) emotional labor leads to an increase in mental load? For example, maintaining relationships is important to me, so we send birthday cards and gifts, but it's on me to remember to do this (so is it emotional labor that adds to my mental load)? Thanks for your insight!
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@merriment: yes, I think that's right!
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@MrsADS: You mentioned grocery shopping, is that it or are there other things you wish your DH would take over?
I used to carry the mental load for grocery shopping, but DH gradually took it over. When I got pregnant with LO2, grocery shopping became really difficult for me. I had a lot of joint pain and exhaustion, and standing upright and walking around a giant grocery store for an hour and a half just wasn't possible. So DH started going every so often without me.
I'd make him a list and be super specific about it. Over time he learned what kind of stuff like to buy and the list wasn't needed. Another huge change that happened is that while I was pregnant I wasn't able to do morning with DS any more. So DH took that over, which included making DS's lunch and snacks. Over time, because DH's was making DS's school food, he started to know better than me what we needed to buy.
Grocery shopping is still a work in progress (and one of my most hated activities). I do the cooking most nights, so we need to communicate about what foods are needed for dinners and whatever else.
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@Adira: @cascademom: I've teased my husband a couple of times that I am going to break out my Quality engineering tools and label everything and write some standard operating procedures for him.
I think that it's just impossible for the first year for it to not uneven. It is so hard but it did get so much equal feeling and easier for me over time. I did feel like I had to be very insistent about making our loads as equal as possible. Hugs to you mama.
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