Hellobee Boards

First, welcome to the site!

Second, I voted have a conversation. I've learned with my DH that a lot of the time he is just clueless about what needs to be done, so it really helps if I speak up and ask for help when I need it. My DH also doesn't like when I suggest how to do something, but I'm a control freak so this is something I'm working on. Could you designate certain chores? Like you do the dishes, he sweeps and vacuums, etc? That way you can each focus on your own tasks (this is how we do it).

I don't know if hiring a cleaning person is an option, but after we had LO it was pretty necessary because we both work and don't have time for deep cleans. It's helped tremendously in minimizing arguments about chores. Good luck!

Is he competitive? ChoreWars would be a good tool to completing chores. This may sound awful, but when my husband had a good week of chores, I would reward him with a gift certificate or something to let him know that I appreciate his help.

We don't do chorewars much anymore, but it helped to establish expected behaviors. I would also have a serious conversation about cleaning expectations and thresholds.

Welcome to Hellobee!

When I moved in with my DH before we were married we had a lot of arguments about cleanliness. What he considered clean and what I considered clean were too totally different things. It was probably a good year before we got into a balance of chores that felt right for both of us. We each had to compromise to get there. The best advice I can give you is to talk it out and keep talking it out until you've both reached a point where you are happy.

I think it's smart that you want to work this out before starting a family.

My husband pitches in with cleaning once in a blue moon. At best, he clears his desk of his dishes and loads/unloads the dishwasher. I can count on my hands how many times he has vacuumed in the last 4 years. Luckily, he has a higher tolerance for clean than me, so I just get to cleaning whenever I feel like it. If he ever says to me anything like floor needs vacuuming or this and that is dirty, I tell him he knows where the vacuum is or that the paper towels are right there. That usually shuts him up pretty fast. This may seem unfair to some, but it works for us... I do all/most the indoor stuff, and he takes care of the outside. He gets the mail, takes out the trash, mows, snowblows, shovel, all the outdoor crap I have no desire doing. Maybe there are things other than cleaning the house that your husband is or can be responsible for that would make division of maintaining the house overall fair?

My DH and I, too, have different standards of "clean". And he's not good about cleaning on his own. Sometimes it drives me NUTS. I don't like to "nag" either, but I have learned that if I want help, I have to ask... in a nice way. Like, "hey, I'm going to clean the bathrooms tomorrow morning, they really need it. While I do that, could you handle sweeping and mopping the floor? I'd really appreciate it and it would help me a lot."

Otherwise, I try to do it all and then I explode at him for not helping, and he feels horrible and he's literally clueless because HE had no idea that the house was "dirty".

Another thing we have tried to do is that we use an app called Wunderlist on our phone. you can have shared "lists" between users (like grocery list, to-do list) so I will make a "Weekly cleaning list" and break it down to each task so he knows what needs to be done on a weekly basis. He does much better if he knows what needs to be done. Leaving it up to him isn't going to work.

And this helps most of the time. Sometimes I still get frustrated because I have to ask/remind him, but I know he's not going to read my mind.

Wow such a good post, I really liked reading everyone’s comments, and can take some of these suggestions too, I really like the idea of making a list on an app for husband and I to do, which my husband has requested, but it’s almost like 1 more thing/burden for me to do, so I haven’t done it. My husband too is quite messy, omg you should have seen his bachelor pad back in the day….soooooooooo gross. But I do find compromise and communication and how you communicate is important because me being pissed off sounding or nagging just gets him all annoyed (even though that’s how I feel!!!) but asking nicely usually goes so much better, and also thanking each other after completing tasks goes a long way in making each other feel appreciated for what the other does. It also goes so much better if we talk about our game plan for the day or week, how we’re going to tackle who does what, it sets him up in what he needs to do. I know he’s come a long way since his bachelor pad days, but I also know his level of clean isn’t going to be what mines is, and I just have to accept that, and like other posters said, if it’s important enough to me, I should just take that chore on, and let him do other things that aren’t as important to me. I wish we could get a cleaning person but it’s just not going to happen for us on our budget.

@kakimochi: I very much agree that if it's important to you, you should do it!

@Remcatt: Welcome!

In my house I am the messy one and my husband *thinks* he's neat. When we first started living together the mess kept piling up as he tried to "wait me out" and see if I would clean. When that didn't happen he would declare it's time to clean up and we both tackle rooms. Although, I don't like it when he springs into action on a Sunday morning it's my mess too and so I cleaned. He swept behind me too and I wasn't offended. He's much better at than I am.

We ended up getting a cleaning service. We tidy up before they get there- oh clean up time is still alive and well! They bring in the tools and sprays to make things fresh and sparkly.

The reason we don't argue about this stuff is because I think both of us have come to the realization it isn't the other person's responsibility to change the situation. If you see something you don't like start cleaning. Now we do cooperate and pitch in- monkey see monkey do.

DH and I have designated chores. The key is whoever is in charge of that chore leads. So no "correcting" or whatever. You either live with it, or fix the things that need to be fixed quietly, without nagging or making a fuss about it. The point is that there are certain things one person really dislikes doing more than the other, so we'd rather live with it done imperfectly by the other person than do it ourselves.

For instance, DH does the dishes 90% of the time and they don't usually get done perfectly. And he puts things away in different places all the time. But frankly, if I cared that much about it, I would do it myself. I've decided just to live with it and take over the dishwashing if people are coming over and I want spotless dishes and glasses.

DH is in charge of the garbage but sometimes he doesn't notice if the kitchen garbage is full so I'll ask him nicely if he would take it out for me. And then I will replace the liner and thank him for helping. And then I'll ask if he can take the recycling out while he's at it. I'd rather do it this way because I HATE taking the garbage out and dragging the cans to the street and dragging them back. I also usually empty the bathroom trash cans because DH will not think to empty those regularly. I just dump them into the kitchen garbage and say "all full!"

I do bathrooms, kitchen cleaning, organizing, shopping, all of the cooking/grilling/food prep and DH has never once said anything critical about any of it. He is appreciative and doesn't complain about how I do things because he sure doesn't want to do it.

Anything else that falls between the cracks we hire outside help. We just hired carpet cleaners to deep clean the floors and we hire a housecleaner once in a while to get a deep clean done because neither of us are going to scrub baseboards or whatever.