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I thought this was really interesting. She makes a good point about how we are conditioned from birth. Women are raised with the expectation that they will maintain the household whether they work outside the home or not. Then you have the media stereotypes of the nagging, shrill wife and the idiot husband. It makes me wonder if households with same sex partners have a better balance of the mental work or if one partner inevitably takes on more.

I identify a lot with this. I'm definitely the household manager, in part because I care a lot more about it - my husband wouldn't mind if the house was a huge mess, the bathroom never cleaned, and we ate out every night - and in part because it's my personality to not mind too much, whereas my husband hates keeping track of stuff. I often get tired of having to remind that stuff needs to be done and it is easier to just do it myself to start with, especially if it will be done in a half-baked sort of way. I think it's gotten better but there's definitely still scope for some improvement.

@mrs. shinerbock totally agree on the stuff you have to remember. That's what I do too.

@mrs. pickle think you're totally right on girls being conditioned to be this way. It makes me want to really sit down with my husband and figure out a better way, because I *don't* want that to be the example that my son sees growing up.

@periwinklebee same here. I'm not a neat/clean freak by any stretch, but my husband really doesn't care about a lot of household stuff and if I left it up to him, I just think it wouldn't get done. I.e. no lunches packed for work, just eat out for lunch. Sheets never get washed. Bathrooms rarely get cleaned. Because he doesn't notice. It's just not on his radar. If I ask him to do it, he's more than happy to, but wouldn't on his own. One thing I gave up on was floors - vacuuming and mopping. I can't keep up on them. I told him it was his to handle. Well, he vacuums about 1x/month.... maybe. When I start mentioning it because it's been forever or people are coming over. I try to run the roomba when I remember but it's really not enough. But I just. cannot. do. it. all.

@periwinklebee totally. And that's funny what you say about your husband's parents, because my in laws are TOTALLY the same way! Their house is always a total wreck and not clean at ALL! Whereas my mom is always cleaning. I actually get like a little skeeved out at their house sometimes. Confession time... I usually pack Clorox wipes and wipe down the sink and toilet in the bathroom we use. It's not like filthy, but just like... you know, toothpaste stains, kind of dirty mirror, etc. I ALWAYS have the house clean for guests, I guess that's my thing.

The thing that really kills me about this is that not only is it true, but it is sad to me. I don't think that husbands are deliberately being lazy about taking on the extra tasks, but the time it would take to teach them all the extra things that we do as "household managers" is insane. Honestly, I am not even sure if my husband knows what size either of our kids wear. Or what their schedules during the week look like. He's rarely takes on the tasks that are the mundane detail-oriented things that make all the behind the scene things run. One of the things I hate the most about our relationship is that I am basically the cruise director. I plan EVERYTHING. I sometimes step back and refuse to do it for specific things (getting birthday gifts for his sister for example) and then they never get done and it rives me crazy. I used to think of it as selfishness, but now I think I am seeing it more as obliviousness.

I often wonder why I am so exhausted all the time and it really has to do with the fact that I work a second shift when I get home. While he can relax on the couch after work, I am making dinner, doing laundry, packing lunches for the next day, cleaning up, etc. He does contribute and I think if I asked him he would say that he is doing a lot, and that is true. But again, it is the mental side of things that really overwhelms me at times. I am tempted to send this to my husband but I don't want to hurt his feelings...

@Mrs. Cereal: I did send it to mine with the caveat that I love him and appreciate him as a partner, and then I didn't want him to feel defensive about this. I told him that this comic really described why I feel so overwhelmed sometimes. And that I would love to talk to him about it later. He hasn't gotten home so we haven't talked about it yet but he sent me a very nice reply saying that it was really powerful and that he definitely wants to talk about it.

@Mrs. Cereal: I had a few moments of real resentment over the holidays, like when kids were opening gifts and DH didn't even know what I had bought and wrapped for them. I decorated the house, I made the food, I bought the gifts, I wrapped the gifts...

It's interesting how many of us are using this as a springboard for talks with the spouses, I did it too. I think that my husband and I probably do a fairly equal amount of actual stuff - I do a lot more household stuff but he's always playing with the kids while I'm cooking - but all the behind the scenes planning stuff is me. Like @MrsADS: said, I could send my husband to the grocery store, but I'd have to give him a list (so first I'd have to plan all the meals for the week and check to see what we were low on), it would take twice as long, and it probably wouldn't all be what I wanted. One time I sent my husband to the store for cream cheese because I was making cheesecake and he came home with herb and garlic cream cheese because he liked that kind better. Every week he asks me what time the boys' swimming lessons are. That kind of thing. It shouldn't be a big deal but it all adds up and gets so frustrating, and then I end up exploding over something little.

@MrsADS: This is a little thing, but I've found that catching my spouse doing something helpful and praising the hell out of it is the beat way to have it done again. Specific praise "thank you for doing the dishes. I was feeling overwhelmed and it makes me feel so cared for that you took care of one of the things that needed to be done. I really appreciate it." I used to think this was dumb because he shouldn't need to be praised for doing necessary chores, but he regularly thanks me for doing things, and it works, so...
The other thing is to push him out of his comfort zone. Here's the grocery list, I know you can do it, thanks! And also pointing out that perfection isn't necessary. My husband once said he never loads the dishwasher because I'm better at it than him. This is true, I am, but one day I was just tired of it and asked him if he ever thought "man, I wish she'd left the lawn for me to mow, I'm so much better at it!" He said that his thoughts were always more like, "oh she mowed, thank goodness!" I pointed out that my feelings on the dishwasher would be the same. He started loading the dishwasher.

On the grocery shopping thing though, you can't expect to begin from nothing and have it be successful the very first time out.

My husband can go on his own to one particular store, he knows the layout (it's a specialty store that you basically have to follow the path through) and he knows that we need 2 half gallons of whole milk, mini bagels, cold cuts and whatever meat looks good/is on sale that week. He also will usually pick up a fruit and veg for the weekend meals too. It took literally 2 years to get to this point, I kid you not. At first, we went together. I showed him what I bought. Then I sent him alone with a list. Then when he mastered that, I sent him alone to "get breakfast." Baby steps.

@Mrs. Pickle: that's a good point about women generally being raised into this. I see kind of the opposite scenario on the male side in my DH's family. My DH is one of three boys and my MIL definitely has some old fashioned notions about gender roles. She does all the cooking/cleaning/logistics in their household, and I don't think she ever really expected or demanded that my FIL or her sons help (it's still true today). Also, my DD is her only granddaughter (with 3 grandsons), and I've heard her say things like "that's for boys" or "this is what little girls like" on many occasions.

But I'm with you ladies who said you can relate to this. My DH is more than willing to oblige when I ask him, but that's the thing, I have to ask. I don't even think he knows what our ped looks like since I'm pretty sure he's never been. I know I also have some minor control issues about how things should be done and how clean our apartment should be, but it doesn't help when I feel like I'm the only one making an effort.

For those of us who have sons, what, if anything, do you think we can do to raise our boys to be more responsible?

@macintosh: interesting because I was telling dh about this when he noticed the car needed air and an oil change. I told him it was his mental load.

Mostly I'm ok with it because I don't work ft but even when I did I did mostly all the stuff around the house and I admit I resented dh a bit for it. The only way it improved to a level we are happy with was for me to say "you do it" and literally do nothing. I realize a lot of guys would also do nothing so I'm lucky. I also know that when I'm working or just out doing something else sometimes my MIL bails him out of things like dinners or washing some dishes if she comes over or whatever. Fine by me though!

@travellingbee: OMG the presents! The only person DH buys for is me (and I often tell him *exactly* what I want and where to buy it. He gets it and wraps it using wrapping paper, tape, and ribbons that I got). I get literally every single other gift and card, including for his parents and brothers. Also I arrange all holidays and I have to remind him to invite over HIS parents.

@Mrs. Pen: wiping the counters is one step more than my husband usually does in cleaning the kitchen I'm trying to convince him it's important!

If we have a son, it's going to be super important to me to teach him how to do all sorts of things around the house at a young (appropriate) age, so it comes naturally. When I was a kid, my mom taught me how to cook, iron, clean, sew etc from a young age. My grandma reinforced it, and we even had cooking, etc classes at church every Sunday afternoon. By the time I was a teenager I was responsible for a lot of that stuff for the household, including making dinner every night. My brother was taught how to mow the lawn and change a tire. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do boy stuff so I learned how to do those things too, but I don't know any boys I grew up around (very traditional setting) who placed much value on the "girl stuff."

@2PeasinaPod: My point is not that he is being lazy, but more so that while I am multitasking, he is usually not. This is not because of how our household is set up but rather because of the fact that he just doesn't even think of these tasks as something that needs to be done. I know I can ask him to help me, but that is the whole point of the comic. That I shouldn't have to ask, that most of us shouldn't have to ask.

BTW, I am always concerned that I will come across as rude and I want to make sure that I am not trying to. Just trying to state facts.

This comic really inspired me to talk to my husband. I sent him the comic and we sat down and talked today. I explained that it's not just about the household chores but about the "mental load" of being the one to call the gardener, reminding him to call about something, remembering all the details that make our family work. We decided that he would take more of an active and consistent role in the house to give me more mental space to manage the rest. I don't think it's going to work for us to have two equal co-managers and I don't mind it, but not when I also spent the whole night cooking etc. Anyway, his responsibility is make the grocery list, cook dinner, take out the garbage, do the dishes, and mow the lawn. I'm happy.