I didn't want to single out any posters in the same way I was, but I feel in these debates it's totally OK for WOHP to make "offensive" statements but not the other way around.
This thread has been closed.
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I SAH with DS for 9 months before going back to work two days/week. Now that DD is here, I'm having to decide whether or not to go back to work after my maternity leave. Part of me wants to SAH but the other part feels like WOH part time is best for my mental health and, in turn, helps me be a more patient and loving parent to my toddler. It's a tough decision and I'm so thankful to have the option to SAH or work part time.
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It's not feasible for me to SAH. I really wish I could though
DH and I make equal money, and we BOTH want to be SAHPs. Too bad we can't just win the lottery and spend all our days together
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I never wanted to be a SAHM - my mom worked so maybe that is why I wanted to work too?
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I come from a culture where women don't SAH so honestly it never really occurred to me. I also have an excellent job and it is only 40 hours a week other than networking etc. My commute to work is about 15 mins so I get a ton of time with DD everyday. For me, after a 6 month mat leave I was ready to reintroduce balance into my life. I get 2.5 hours with DD in the morning and another 2 after daycare plus the whole weekend. For me this works out great.
While I foresee being with DH forever, I have no desire to be a cautionary tale for people so I do prefer to keep my own income stream as well as maintaining the skills an contacts necessary to be able to make what I deem to be an appropriate living.
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Thanks for all the input everyone. I appreciate the responses. I think it will be a huge decision for me.
I think we can all agree that you raise your children no matter if you WOH or SAH.
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@swurlygurl: my DH would like to be a SAHP too! Winning the lottery would be ideal.
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@swurlygurl: My DH would love to be a SAHD, too! He would be really good at the childcare part--not so good at the other things, like house upkeep and groceries/cooking occasionally. Too bad he makes way more money than me! Guess he should have married a physician.
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I was unemployed when we were expecting our first, so for the first 7 months of her life I stayed home with her, so I got a taste of SAHM life. During those 7 months I felt a huge shift in my readiness to go back to work. At first I tried to job search at the 4 month mark and I couldn't do it - I got interviews and started feeling anxiety about leaving my daughter, so I halted the job search process until I felt more ready. At 6 months, I felt ready. Those feelings really make me wish that the U.S. had longer and better maternity leave policies because my state of mind and emotional health was like night and day at 6 weeks, 4 months, and 6 months. If I had a job to go back to at the end of 4 months, I don't know if I would've been able to do it.
Anyway, I found a job at 7 months postpartum and it was just the right time. I have supportive managers, a great team, and a flexible work environment that makes the juggle of being a working mom doable. I don't wake up in the mornings dreading to go to work. I don't know if I could do it if I had a long commute and an inflexible schedule to deal with.
I guess my answer is - my decision to be a SAHM or WOHM depended on so many factors. I can't say whether or not one or the other is suited for me. I don't think I would've even had the choice to SAHM long-term anyway because my salary covers much more than just daycare costs for us.
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Answered wrong post.
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It wasn't a choice for me. I have to work to pay the bills.
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Ok I just have to say, for those attacking the word "raise," which I get- it's insensitive, the coin flips both ways. There are plenty of posters mentioning they need to be a WOHM to have an identity, which sounds harsh to a SAHM. Just food for thought before one person gets picked on, after clarifying her remark.
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@erinpye: Thank you
I didn't want to single out any posters in the same way I was, but I feel in these debates it's totally OK for WOHP to make "offensive" statements but not the other way around.
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I wasn't going to be making much after two in childcare and paying for full time care. Plus my office went to hell and I was miserable working there. And then there was some little stuff - LO1 has food allergies and lo2 needs physical therapy. It's a little easier to deal with that stuff at home. They are also only 17 months apart so since both of then are having their "baby time" impinged on, it's nice to be able to give them a little more attention at home. And it gives us a nice lifestyle. We have more free time on the evenings and weekends to do family stuff.
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@erinpye: @illumina: I would hope that if someone said something that was insensitive to SAHPs, they would feel comfortable speaking up and calling it out, even if it's just for other people to be aware of the insensitivity of the wording or whatnot.
I also think it's one thing for a person to say "For me personally, SAH wouldn't work because I need _____". This is specific to an individual and I don't think it negates the desires of a SAHP (correct me if I'm wrong). It's another thing to imply that all WOHPs aren't raising their children or all SAHPs aren't individuals. You know?
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@Adira: I kind of don't feel it's necessary to call someone out. If something offends you, move on, chances are that the poster didn't even mean to cause offense in the first place!
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@illumina: I guess it depends (or maybe it's just different people). I think some things should be called out because maybe the person didn't realize how offensive it was and now they and others know that it was, you know? Whereas if you don't say anything, the person being offensive might just continue saying the offensive thing over and over again without realizing how offensive it is.
I feel like I used the word "offensive" too many times and now it looks weird...
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@illumina: it doesn't "sit right" with me that someone else "raises" my kid during the week but I don't have a choice in matter, and I'm only a month out from maternity leave and have cried more times than I can count thinking about this topic in the past month - sorry for not moving on without commenting on it - it goes a long way to have some sensitivity in wording too.
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@illumina: how are we supposed to put an end to the mommy wars of we don't tell each other how we feel ? We shouldn't just move on, we should discuss it, that is how we learn that what we post affects others.
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@Adira: @looch: I disagree for the most part. Whilst I see there are posters who believe they need to educate others, the majority I'm sure just move on. Or they leave HB altogether because they are sick of being "policed".
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My heart so wishes to SAH- but there is no way we could swing it financially.
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I always knew that I would be a stay at home parent for the first few years, and then transition back into working part time. We structured our finances with that goal in mind long before we were even thinking of kids.
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I like that the boards here have people with a broad diversity of experiences! It makes for more interesting conversation and discussion.
Sometimes I wonder though if some people would prefer specialized boards, with a more focused perspective. For example, we could have workingparents.hellobee.com and SAH.hellobee.com - i.e. specialized boards for different groups.
If you prefer a discussion with lots of different types of people (like I do), you could mostly on the main boards... but if you prefer to mostly compare notes with your fellow SAH parents (or fellow working parents), you could go there instead.
Just thinking out loud here... would be interested in people's thoughts.
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@illumina: I respect your decision to disagree, I'll leave it there.
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I was a SAHM for awhile, not out of choice but out of circumstance. Though I freelanced, I didn't have dedicated childcare. I tried my best, but there were many days that I was a shitty SAHM. I was glad to have the luxury of time with my kids, but it wasn't the balance I needed.
Now I WAHM. Somewhere in between PT and FT. It is a wonderful gift. I still have a lot of time with my kids, and the time I have with them is vastly improved. And then I get dedicated time to concentrate for once in my life, which I definitely missed as a SAHM.
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@mrbee: Absolutely not. Sometimes people's feelings get hurt -- usually not intentionally -- but diversity of experience vastly outweighs that, in my opinion. I think everyone is mature enough to recognize that.
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@mrbee: I don't think that's necessary, it feels like it will create more of a divide
I think the only thing that needs to happen, if anything, is to put a stop to the SAH vs WOH threads. They have been done 1000x over and they always cause conflict.
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@mrbee: don't we kind of already have that?
I think open dialogue is important. It's the only way we can end the mommy wars.
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<< @mrbee: I don't think that's necessary, it feels like it will create more of a divide
I think the only thing that needs to happen, if anything, is to put a stop to the SAH vs WOH threads. They have been done 1000x over and they always cause conflict. >>@illumina: The thread was actually going pretty well, until the comment about not wanting someone else to raise my kids during the weekdays? I do understand what you meant and appreciated your clarification - that really helped!
But it's tough when someone drops a bit of a bomb in a thread, and then asks everyone to move on... it's stuff like that makes me consider that maybe we need specific boards for specific groups.
Just thinking out loud here. We've had a few users shutdown their accounts because they're hurt by certain comments, and it definitely has got me thinking. That said, gotta run and pick up the kids from school!
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@mrbee: I like the diversity of it all being together and dont think the specialized forums would get much use (though I guess you could try it out and see!). There are already subforums for working/sah parents and other than the past day or so they aren't really that active with new posts. I have a feeling that it will die down (the sah vs woh posts) anyway since there is only so much to discuss. And if someone has a question geared towards one group or the other, they tend to just specify in the post anyway.
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@mrbee: if you have specific boards for specific work status', where would this thread lie, for example?
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@illumina: We'd still have all the same forums here on the main boards, and this thread would still be in the same forum that it's in now.
The specialized boards would just be for people who want to connect with parents in a similar place.
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@mrbee: With all due respect for the wonderful community you've curated here, it is still the Internet. There is only so much we can or should sanitize it. In the end, it is up to community members to think about how their comments might be interpreted, and it is up to those same community members to manage their reaction when someone says something that upsets them.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that no amount of special boards, moderating, or anything else you can do will ever prevent hurt feelings and occasional account shutdowns.
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@mrbee: I honestly just think the policing by other users needs to stop. There was a big hoo-ha a few months ago because of all the +1's etc. and sometimes it doesn't feel as though things have gotten better.
As another example, from another thread, I learnt that it's not "acceptable" for a SAHP to say they are a full-time parent, because that could be viewed as offensive. I think it's the intent that's important..if something is not said maliciously then why should a poster be condemned as if it was?!
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@illumina: I'm not familiar with that other thread, but will look it up after dinner!
As for this thread, I actually agreed with the pushback on your earlier comment. Not sure if you realize how hurtful it can be for a working parent to hear the implication that they're not raising their child!
That said, I totally agree with you that sah parents can be hurt by comments too and that both sides could be more respectful! But I don't think that two wrongs make a right.
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@Mrs. Yoyo: agree. And for what it's worth - aside from the brief detour - this thread and the one about opportunity costs for SAHP have been the most interesting ones I've read in a while. Even though I WOH, like a previous poster mentioned, the decision is a fluid one and I am always interested in hearing why people have made the decisions that they did and how they make it work for their families. A wide breadth of experiences is a must for good conversation.
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@mrbee: I completely agree that two wrongs don't make a right, which is why I'm shocked that people are still continuing to point out that I said something wrong when I have accepted this and clarified!
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I didn't make a final decision until my last day before mat leave. I had been going back and forth. But Daycare was going to be very inexpensive and I had lots of growth opportunities at my job and I didn't want to give it up. So I discussed my return date and confirmed I would definitely be coming back on my last day. Haha
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@illumina: I do see what you mean that if you don't have malicious intent, that should be taken into account.
If I had to guess though, I think people would have accepted your clarification more if you had apologized at some point. I realize it wasn't meant to be hurtful, but that's not necessarily how it was taken!
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It was a really hard decision. I waffled between wanting to be a SAHP vs WOHP. Having a 1 year mat leave gave me a test run as to what things would be like, and i didn't think it was right for me. But i also didn't have too many local mom friends and the support i do now. I have a very flexible and well-paying job (with the option for me to WFH), a combination that's impossible to find these days, which is why i stayed. I think if my job were really stressful and rigid, i would've had a serious talk with DH about being a full-time SAHP.
@mrbee: I don't think even more specific boards will help either. You will always find SAHP/WOHP going onto one of the other boards anyways. Parenting is such a sensitive topic, and people are going to read more into a comment because it's a touchy topic for them.
@looch: i think open dialogue is important (i.e., thoughtful responses), but i don't think defensive responses (not directing this at you specifically, but in general) do anything to end mommy wars.
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@mrbee: Her comment was hardly a "bomb". Good grief. Are we going to have completely separate boards for breastfeeding vs. formula? Or natural birth vs. c-sec/medicated? If you want to put a further divide in mommywars, please make separate forums for each of our parenting "types".
I can't even believe this right now.
Thread Closed
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