Lately ive been having difficulty in how to handle an issue that's come up with my best friend. Our kids are very close in age (2.5) and have always played really well together until now. My daughter is quite shy and passive but can speak quite well. Her son is very sweet but really energetic and strong willed. Her son is also quite a bit bigger and stronger than my daughter. Lately when they play, her son gets really excited to see my lo and often pushes and hits her out of excitement. I know this is really normal but as her son has gotten stronger, I'm worried about my daughter getting hurt. My friend is an amazing mom and tries to use re-direction when her son gets this way. The part that is frustrating for me is that she tries to avoid discipline in these situations and doesn't make him apologize (although she tells him to stop). If he takes a toy from my daughter my friend will give my daughter a new toy rather than asking her son to give it back. I don't want to strep on her toes in terms of discipline, so I try to get between them when I see him getting too excited but it's gotten to the point where it's causing me to feel resentful towards my friend as she will discipline other kids if they hit her son. Sorry for the novel, but I'm not quite sure if I should say something or just wait it out as it might just be a phase for him. Any advice would be really appreciated!
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Personally i would never say something about my friends parenting style. If their kid was harming mine regularly and not attempting to teach their kid it wasn't ok (regardless of style - I don't care if someone uses a different style as what o would as long as there is an attempt made to curb the behavior) then I would remove my child from the situation. I would also not hesitate to gently remind her child to use gentle hands. Outside of hitting I wouldn't say a word to another child about their behavior. Sharing isn't a big deal to me especially if she isn't upset about her toy being taken. I like to let kids work out sharing issues on their own for the most part unless it gets into hitting territory.
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I think it's just different expectations. I have this situation with my kid & my friend's kid. He's bigger and hurts our kid a lot.
I don't think there's anything wrong with stepping in ... "I can't let you push her." - and then step back and let them play.
With sharing ... Kids don't know how or need to really know how to share at this point. Forcing apologies doesn't actually help them learn anything. They'll learn to apologize as they become more aware of other's feelings (closer to 4 years).
My point is that maybe a little research on normal 2.5 year old behaviors would give you some peace of mind. Your friend's kid is totally normal. You two can guide him by saying, "I won't let you hit her." ... And when it comes to sharing, if he's not hurting her, let them work it out.
My two cents.
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@catomd00:
Thanks for the feedback. What you said makes a lot of sense
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@littlejoy:
Thanks a lot. You're right that researching toddler behavior would be useful in terms of what normal 2.5 year old behavior is. I usually take a pretty hands off approach to sharing as my daughter doesn't get too upset about it, but the part that is strange to me is that if another child takes something from her lo, my friend intervenes to get it back. I guess it's more of the double standard that is strange, but i guess that doesn't affect me, so I should leave that up to her.
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@Mrs. Monkey: I see! I'm with you. I'd lightheartedly say: "We should see if they can work it out." -- if she protests, do an internal eye-roll and move on. Haha. Different parenting styles can be awkward, but hopefully she'll see you're trying to help.
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I agree with the posters above-- I think it's typical behavior for kids that age. If you want to point attn to the fact that your friend intervenes for her own son in similar situations, but doesn't react the same way when her LO is being excitable/aggressive with your daughter, maybe you can get involved by phrasing it in a way that you are trying to get your daughter to speak up for herself. For example, if your friend sees your daughter is upset bc her son took her toy, and instead of giving her the original one back, gives her a new toy, ask your LO in front of your friend if that's what she really wants and that she needs to say I was playing with X and wasn't finished so would like it back, etc (assuming it was taken from her hands).
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@mauxie:
I have been thinking about how to get my daughter to speak up for herself, so I think this is a good idea. Thanks
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Are there specific toys that trigger hitting from your friend's son? We used to have playdate problems when it came to sharing my son's favorite toys, but we took them out of the toy rotation when we had friends over... and things got so much better.
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I feel like too it helps to think about ok, if my kid were in a daycare setting with 6 kids and one teacher what would be happening. There probably would be apologizing and they kinda need to eventually figure out how to stand up to keep a toy or learn to just move on.
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If she makes other kids given toys back to her son then you could do the same if the double standard is bothering you. "Oh dear, when Kid took the toy from you Kid had to give it back. You do too. That was in Daughter's hands. Give it back, please." But as far as age appropriate, sharing is still pretty fluid at this age. I like the "I can't let you hurt her," idea by previous posters too!
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I think it maybe depends how good of friends you are too? I don't know. This is something I've worried about because my LO is older/bigger than my local friends' kids. Or even in playdates-- honestly I'm just winging it. I struggle with knowing when to intervene and when to let kids work things out themselves. I think/hope I intervene enough and certainly if my kid ever hit another kid I would tell her no (I wouldn't ask her to apologize because she doesn't speak yet but when she does, I would). But the toy thing is hard because it seems like if you stepped in every time kids stole toys from each other you'd micromanage their whole time playing. I think I let that go a bit more for that reason, but I'd hope that if it bothered a friend of mine they would just let me know. I'm not like, super married to a lot of my parenting ideas because I never know wtf I'm doing so I'd rather a friend (nicely) just told me their expectations for play vs. stopped hanging out with us or something.
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This is so hard! As for the hitting, for example, I'd probably say what I would to any kid, "Whoops! Let's not hit anyone, I know this is exciting," diplomatic statements anyone can agree to.
But the overall issue is one I fine very tough!
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Thanks everyone for your advice. It's really helpful. My friend is very dear to me so I will try to incorporate some of your ideas into the situation so that it won't affect our friendship. Thanks!
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