How do you deal with someone who never apologizes?

My father and I have been estranged from each other for the past 6 months due to a disagreement over one of DH's and my decisions regarding LO. My father was extremely angry over our decision, and so we haven't really spoken to him/seen him. He did come to the hospital when LO was born, about 6 weeks ago, but brought up our disagreement and really got Dh and I upset. I had a conversation with him last week where he said something very hurtful to me.

My father is someone who has never apologized for anything, even when he is wrong. He seems to be emotionally deficient, if that makes sense. He has now reached out to me to basically push this under the rug and move on. I'm having a difficult time doing that without any sort of apology or acknowledgement of my hurt feelings. My sister and mom think that holding out for this is useless, and I just need to "get over it".

What would you do? How do you deal with someone who never seems to apologize for hurting you/for acting inappropriately?

Honeybee
pomelo / 5178 posts

Nov 28, 2012

After my sister behaved in a way that I consider unforgivable and after she completely refused to even acknowledge the situation (in fact, to this day she still blames me for the issue), I cut her out of my life. My parents don't agree with my decision, but on the whole, it's been a lot healthier for myself and my family to not have her in our lives. Sometimes I feel bad that it came to this, but overall I feel like this was the right decision for our situation.
blackbird
wonderful grape / 20453 posts

Nov 28, 2012

Unfortunately my father is one of these people. I have NEVER heard him apologize for ANYTHING. He doesn't apologize for his actions because he doesn't regret them. He has said some hurtful things but he stands by them because "that's how he feels". It's infuriating.

I rant and rave to my husband and just accept that he's being an asshole about it, honestly. It doesn't come up very often, thankfully. But my mom always encourages me to just "get over it" and be the bigger person. It feels very manipulative and I dislike it. I usually give them the silent treatment for awhile and then eventually my dad calls up and acts like nothing is wrong. Which is typically his way of 'apologizing'. I can still remember all the shitty things he's said and they still anger me. But then I remember the good and tell myself that just is who he is and he's almost 60 and if he's jerky about a couple of things, it's not that big of a deal in the big scheme of things.

But yeah, seriously. Annoys me to no end.
shopaholic
bananas / 9973 posts

Nov 28, 2012

I don't have a ton of advice on this topic. My dad is really insensitive and NEVER apologizes for anything in his entire life. All my life I've been told he'll never change and just to ignore it or get over it. In a lot of ways, as I've gotten older, I do just that. Ignore or get over it. Or at least in the case of the last majorly insensitive and harsh thing he did to me, I just ignored him at all family functions and just tried to be civilized and cordial. It's the only way to keep my own sanity and still enjoy the rest of our family gatherings. Let me tell you though, 1yr+ of me basically ignoring him and just skimming by with as little verbal contact as possible, it was VERY apparent to everyone in my family that my dad KNEW he was wrong and was sorry. He still will NEVER apologize for what he did, but everyone says they can see him TRY really hard to talk to me, stay on my good side, etc. Good luck!
DigAPony
pear / 1787 posts

Nov 28, 2012

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds really difficult. I think you have to decide how strongly you feel about this particular issue--is it worth it to continue to have very little contact with your father? If so, stick to your guns and don't feel guilty about it! Can you live with moving past it, knowing that he likely won't apologize? If so, what needs to happen in order to make you content with that decision? Also, remember that if you choose to let it go, that is not the same as "giving in," so you should not feel guilty about that, either. (I'm trying to say that if you choose to let it go, you shouldn't feel guilty thinking that in some way you're saying he's right about whatever this is.)

I guess to boil it down I would ask myself "What will help me sleep better at night?" Good luck!
knittylady
pomegranate / 3212 posts

Nov 28, 2012

No advice but I have a similar relationship with my mother. I'm not a therapist, but it seems like my mom has borderline personality disorder. Knowing (or being pretty darn sure) that that is the case gives me no answers but it's gotten me to a place where I feel like I can and have to set firm boundaries with her. Not sure if thats helpful or just my own rant (sorry!). Good luck.
hilsy85
squash / 13764 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@DigAPony: If I let it go, I wouldn't feel guilty, but Dh would be so angry and miserable, and I would feel guilty over that, if that makes sense.
hilsy85
squash / 13764 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@blackbird: sounds exactly like my dad. @shopaholic: I feel like even if we do end up seeing him, I'll be like that--cold and cordial, but basically ignoring him. Which is sad, right? But I can't imagine our relationship improving without an honest emotional discussion, which he doesn't seem to be capable of.
hilsy85
squash / 13764 posts

Nov 28, 2012

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I have to think about how we need to handle this
mrbee
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

Nov 28, 2012

I guess it would depend in part on how he reached out, and how hard that was for him!

In general, I get less patient with difficult people as I get older! So these days, if someone did something wrong to me and never apologized, I wouldn't be all that forgiving!
shopaholic
bananas / 9973 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@hilsy85: Yes, it's sad. But do you think he KNOWS what he did wrong? Like he knows and feels like he should apologize, but he is just the type of stubborn man who won't apologize no matter what? I know that was the situation with my Dad and his efforts to even "try" and be nice to be, etc. as everyone pointed out was the closest to an apology I'd ever get. In my case, I eventually figured I can be okay with the situation and it seems (at least hopefully) he has learned a lesson and will think twice or never do the same things again.
CupQuakeWalk
coconut / 8475 posts

Nov 28, 2012

If he wasn't your father...i'd say hold your ground.
But, he is.
And he is old...and he won't change...and chances are, he knows he's wrong, he is just too stubborn to say so (if that gives you any consolation).
It's not like having a relationship with him again is going to change the original decision you made for your son...
But, I can totally see your dad stressing your husband out, of course. And that really sucks whenn ILs are disrespectful of a new father's decision:( But then again, if it were his dad's doing this...would you want to be the reason that your DH decided not to reconcile with his dad? In the long run/bigger picture, I would assume your husband wouldn't want either.
hilsy85
squash / 13764 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@shopaholic: I really don't know, that's the thing...I mean, I have to imagine he KNOWS that he hurt us (I've told him he has) but I don't know if he thinks that he was WRONG, and so I don't know if he thinks that an apology is in order. But I think that sometimes an apology should be given whether or not the person giving it truly understands why they're giving it--sometimes it's just important to hear. Which I think it is for us. @TurtleDoves: no and DH has said that he'll suck it up if that's what I want. But then I feel bad for making DH go against his principles (he thinks that we are owed an apology, and if my dad can't give one, then he doesn't think that's someone we should have in our lives). It's just so hard because it's my father, you know? If it were a friend, it would be so much easier.
CupQuakeWalk
coconut / 8475 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@hilsy85: Him being your dad makes the all the difference, like you said, if it were a friend it would be super easy. I had this issue when DH & I got married with a relative....isn't a sibling..isn't a parent....so, I cut them out. Both DH and I did on principle. But, ah...if it were a parent...I think i'd suck it up because honestly, if anything were to happen to them....I would feel super guilty (not that I should) for not spending any time with them or not making exceptions for them. I don't know if I should be advising on this issue! I have a "parent complex" thing going on...You may be able to analyse that;)
hilsy85
squash / 13764 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@TurtleDoves: ha I totally do too, which is the only reason I'm even torn about this. It's really just that Dh is so upset about it still, and I feel like if I suck it up then I'm disrespecting him, you know?
CupQuakeWalk
coconut / 8475 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@hilsy85: absolutely, understandable!
shopaholic
bananas / 9973 posts

Nov 28, 2012

@hilsy85: I totally understand as well. Maybe just give yourself & DH some time and distance for now. You can tell him you need that as well if he calls to reach out again. When you think you can both deal with knowing that you won't get an apology but want your son & father to have some time together, maybe it will be easier to have somewhat of a relationship?

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How do you deal with someone who never apologizes?

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