How do you kindly tell off your in-laws?

By Rubies Dec 12, 2011

Over the weekend I almost lost my mind at my MIL but held back because my own mother would kill me if she knew I blew up at my MIL.

I have worked VERY hard at sleep-training/nap-training the LO but noticed that her sleeping is not ideal and I found out why! Every Tuesdays the MIL comes over for a few hours to watch LO while I run errands and I found out that while I'm gone, my MIL rocks LO to sleep and let's her nap in MIL's arms! It's no wonder she gets so fussy when I try to put her down for naps!

In LO's room we have her nap routine printed out and we showed it to MIL weeks ago when we were training LO...But she has chosen to ignore it all. I am infuriated!

I told hubs that MIL is not welcomed to come over to watch LO anymore unless he's home.

What should I do/say?

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18 comments

Maysprout
grapefruit / 4800 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Honestly I would think it very impolite to tell off your MIL for this.
I'd try to talk to her again and say you noticed LO not sleeping well for naps and you think its because she is held for naps while she is there. Speak to her like an adult without meanness. She is doing you a favor and showing lots of love to your LO. Try to work with her and help her see your side of things calmly instead of working against her with accusations of sabotage.
chopsuey
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Yikes. This is a tough one. I would stop having MIL come over to watch the baby.. which means you should run your errands when your hubs comes home.
I think it's tough for any grandparent to sit by while their only grandchild cries.. Even if your hubs was home when your MIL's there I think he'd have a difficult time preventing her from getting to your LO.
My LO woke up briefly after I put her down for the night on Thanksgiving (while my parents were in town). Parents insisted that I go get her.."it's dark in her room," "she's scared" etc etc. When I refused to go to her right away, my mom snuck upstairs and got her!!
brownie
grapefruit / 4110 posts

Dec 12, 2011

You don't say anything if it doesnt come up. If she asks you why she isn't baby sitting anymore, let her know you found a babysitter that is following your child rearing philosophies.

I would also let her still watch the baby occasionally (not as regularly). It won't ruin your baby to be held once in a while and just adjust your schedule accordingly (she gets a shorter nap so an earlier bed time).

Good Luck! Unfortunately, if you aren't paying her it gets difficult to require anything.
MegWag
persimmon / 1135 posts

Dec 12, 2011

I couldn't agree with @Maysprout more. It seems like the next step is a polite, calm conversation where you point out the problems you are seeing and again ask that she follow the routine you've implemented.
If she still isn't willing to follow your system, then you can move on from there, but I think a smaller reaction is the first course.
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Dec 12, 2011

@Maysprout: I think I'm as angry as I am because she is very aware of our sleep-training and was against it from the beginning but instead of respecting this, she constantly tells me how bad it is for the baby to cry so much, etc. Anyway, you're right in that there is no need to tell her off, which is actually not what I was going to do anything...I just needed to know how to handle this.
Boogs
hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Would it be easier for her to get it if she gets talked to by your husband? Would he mind being the bad guy with his mom?
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Thanks for your sound advice - I was emotional when I posted! I'm not as mean as it seems, for realsies!
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Dec 12, 2011

My hubs DID speak to her, thank goodness. She didn't apologize, though. She thinks letting her cry is bad parenting. Whatevs.
mrbee
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

Dec 12, 2011

A lot of it is just intergenerational differences, which take time to hash out. Mrs. Bee's mom was initially not on Team CIO... but after she saw how well it worked, she changed her tune!
Andrea
GOLD / wonderful coffee bean / 18478 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Along the lines of what others have said, no need to tell her off but if you do not agree with what she is doing then do not have her babysit. However, I always long for free babysitting, since I don't get any, so I would just have her come when your LO doesn't need a nap.
Boogs
hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

Dec 12, 2011

I'm glad your husband did say something to her!

Like Mr. Bee said, it is intergenerational because I get a lot of crap for some of the things we do, too. When LO was only 3 months old family kept telling me to feed him rice cereal or they kept trying to give him different table foods. When I would try and educate family members on allergies and choking risks they would just proceed to tell me how young I was & didn't have any teeth when they fed me things like hot dogs and fries and I survived. Sadly, I've just learned who can and cannot be left alone with my baby. I say people need to respect your wishes since you're the parent and if they can't, then it's not your fault for removing them from babysitting duty.
heffalump
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts

Dec 12, 2011

It shouldn't matter if she thinks it's bad parenting. She's not the parent, she doesn't get to decide.

I always make my hubby deal with his parents. I hate confrontation.
mrbee
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

Dec 12, 2011

Great ideas from Andrea and Boogs!

The thing I would add is that I learned to appreciate that my parents and in-laws had things to teach me... just like there were things we could teach them (if they let us!).

One time, nothing Bee and I did would put Charlie to sleep... and then, Bee's mom tied him to her back with a blanket and put him to sleep outdoors in the bright afternoon sunlight using nothing but ancient Korean folksongs. Everything in my experience said that wouldn't work, but it worked when nothing we tried did.

I love Andrea's idea to ask your MIL to watch the baby whenever it's not time to put her down for a nap! So smart.
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Dec 12, 2011

You guyssssssss...You're all so kind. I wish I could invite you all over for lunch. Love Hellobee!

1) My MIL and I love each other she's a outspoken lady and when it comes to parenting, I'm so sensitive to her criticism! I'm hard on myself so when MIL tells me that what I'm doing is "bad parenting" I get so defensive.

2) It sounds great to have "free" babysitting but I got tricked into it! MIL used to show up unannounced and it got so overwhelming that I said, "Why don't you stop by next Tuesday afternoon?" - I meant ONE Tuesday...She thought EVERY Tuesday. I didn't even want her to "babysit"...I enjoy having her company and talking to her. But she shoos me out of my own house! I secretly think she does this so that she can cuddle with LO without being interrupted by my napping routine for LO.

3) Now, on Tuesdays, when she does come, I try to get LO to be napping for when MIL arrives (see? I'm always thinking ahead!)...SOMETIMES when MIL is feeling bold, she'll go into LO's room and take her out of her crib. Swear. Not making any of this up.

All in all, you're right, it's all intergenerational.

Tomorrow is another Tuesday but I've got a playdate so I'll let you know what happens next week! LOL.
chopsuey
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts

Dec 12, 2011

@mrbee: My mom used to tie us to her back with a podaegi too. It was so cute watching her carry my LO on her back. @Rubies: wow. your MIL is so wild--boundaries!! I hope the baby wasn't sleeping when she plucked her up from her crib? -.-
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Dec 12, 2011

@chopsuey119: She WAS sleeping! That's the whole problem! MIL just does what she wants! Poor LO, right?
chopsuey
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts

Dec 12, 2011

@Rubies: poor you. chinese women are really aggressive. whoa. totally generalizing. HAHA. all the chinese women i know!
mrbee
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts

Dec 12, 2011

@Rubies: I think a lot of what the older generation does only makes sense within their complete system. If you isolate one specific thing they do but evaluate it within our modern system, it seems like crazytown!

But back in the day, I think sleep wasn't considered as sacred... just because you could always carry the baby around and s/he would go to sleep. It's only in the modern day that we've worked to so thoroughly separate sleeping from holding, and to create sleep schedules. So the distinction matters a lot more to us young 'uns.

I'm not 100% sure the above is true, but pretending it is helped me understand and respect where my in-laws were coming from! But it became a non issue pretty quickly, as Bee's mom quickly saw that what we were doing was working nicely! She just needed time to adjust.

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How do you kindly tell off your in-laws?

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