I really struggle with how to respond to, "When are you going to have kids?" and "Why don't you have kids?" I have heard having an answer ready makes it easier. Part of the problem is these questions make me upset so I don't think quickly, and that the answer depends on who is asking. Sometimes it's people I barely know and I can give a rude answer back, but sometimes it is someone at work that I can't. How do you handle these questions?
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"That's none of your business." no matter who it is.
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I've started answering, 'when people stop asking' to the first and I would love to say 'we saw how yours turned out and decided against it' for the second. Those questions can be hard
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I answer honestly. I tell them we have infertility.
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I can't be rude.
I usually say "sooner than later. Just not NOW." I think it is a rude question but I just am not rude. I do think if they were persistent and naggy, I'd say something like, "I don't answer questions like that." -
"When I find $30,000." "I can't afford them"
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I'd usually say "when the time is right" if it was someone I didn't know too well. We told friends and family as they asked about our IF, and it made them aware that they needed to be sensitive about their comments.
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I always said "we're working on it." It was the truth and kind of implied that it was complicated...or we've been working on it for a while..."
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Depends on the person and whether or not I'm caught off guard.
If I am thinking quickly and annoyed I'll say, "why do you care about the status of my uterus?"
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Ughhhhhh this is soooo hard, I will NEVER ask this to any women wver!!!!!
But, to me it depended on the way the question was aakes, if they were nice I'd say we were working hard on it and to please pray for us, but I've had ignorant people or old friends say things like what are you guys waiting for, is he scared, or do you think your marraige can't handle it, I'd tell them our struggle and be rude back in hopes they never say that to anyone again!!!!!!!!!!
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i am glad to see threads like this, because i feel like i have been that idiot who has asked people when they are having kids....but being around HB is teaching me common sense and sensitivity
i shall never ask again.
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I often said "we're working on it" or "it's harder than it seems".
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I used to say "maybe next year"
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@californiadreams: I have, too! It may seem like an innocent question, but it is good to remember that it can be very painful.
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I've said the following:
"We're trying!" or "we're doing our best!"
"Whenever God sees fit to bless us."
"We'd love to have them, its just not working out right now." -
Over Memorial Day weekend, a cousin who has been known to be rude asked me in a very rude way in front of a ton of other relatives and I snapped back that "we don't even like kids" in a super sarcastic way. Yikes. This was also 3 drinks in, but I think it came off as a sarcastic joke. Usually I'm a little calmer about it
and say something along the lines of "once life settles down a bit and the time is right." This was probably my 5th uncomfortable conversation that day and this particular cousin also was shouting at me in front of everyone that I need to "eat a f-ing sandwich." I'm also in the midst of a relapse of anorexia and we're taking a break from ttc while I get my shit together.
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For when are you having kids, I usually went with "we're working on it" or "as soon as possible".
Why don't you have kids wasn't asked as commonly, but once I started being more open about IF, I'd say "well, turns out I wasted a lot of money on birth control", or "it's not always as easy you'd think".
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@Sophia: Sorry you had to go through this. I will keep you in my prayers.
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I've never been asked either of those questions!
I have been frequently asked, "Do you have children?" at my church when meeting new people. That innocent question threw me off. I learned to say, "Not now, but we really hope to in the future."
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I just say something to the effect of "when God decides the time is right." That usually does the trick because a.) It's none of their business b.) It's not a long explanation and c.) They are reminded of the fact that I am not in control over this.
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"we're working on it" I felt like that got the point across without being too rude (even though they are rude for asking!)
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I get asked this usually a couple of times per week. I usually just respond with something along the lines of "who knows..." and leave it at that.
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I tell them that we want to, we are trying, or just say that it's happening soon and leave it at that.
If it's someone closer, I might mention my struggle. I know there are people that just won't get IF and so I'm careful in who I tell. I don't want to hear the stereotypical 'You need to relax or go on vacation', so in order to keep me from snapping or hating someone, I'm very selective. I do put feelers out to see if I can gauge how they will react. My coworker (a man) mentioned how he was pregnant with his third child, after I opened up to him about our struggle. If I could, it was definitely palm to forehead moment, but I kept my cool and don't bring up my IF around him.
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I use to get tired of these questions too so one day I responded, "Oh I might be pregnant right now with triplets"...that really shut them up. They looked confused too and didn't know how to respond.
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I feel like these are just common questions when you get to be a certain age and status (married over 25 years old). Doesn't make it less rude, it is what it is. I'll be honest that I thought that these were innocent before but now I know better.
Someone not close - "Maybe in 5 years" or "We are considering not having anymore"
Someone that is close - "We are trying"
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I usually say "we'll keep you posted on any announcements." If I'm close with the person/they're family I tried to say it in a lighthearted way. But, if I feel like someone is prying or just being nosy/gossipy I say the same thing only in a very snarky voice. I find that in either case this is a reminder that asking about children is a sensitive question.
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It's been really tough now that we're trying but no one knows! I usually respond with "we'll see" about shuts the conversation down pretty quickly without giving too much away.
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this used to be a big problem for us. i would get really frustrated..i would try to give vague answers and then i would get some unsolicited advice about it will happen before i know it or not to wait too long or something. after the first two years i started to say "in God's timing" and it does work really well. now, no one asks because even though i don't talk about it, it's obvious there's something not happening since we've been married for 6+ years and no babies.
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I have started answering honestly, though now it's "when are you having another?" I say that we had a miscarriage last year and have been trying ever since. Then they feel bad and never ask again.
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I had an idea for a response to "why don't you have kids?" I am tempted to respond, "Either birth control works or we're infertile." Maybe adding in, "which do you think?"
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@AmeliaBedilia: haha I like it!
i shall never ask again.
and say something along the lines of "once life settles down a bit and the time is right." This was probably my 5th uncomfortable conversation that day and this particular cousin also was shouting at me in front of everyone that I need to "eat a f-ing sandwich." I'm also in the midst of a relapse of anorexia and we're taking a break from ttc while I get my shit together.
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