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DH just changed jobs last Spring...under his old job he would have gotten 2 weeks plus been able to take another week or two of vacation. In his new job though he is very busy and there is no one to replace him when he leaves. He is hoping to take a week (if that) and work from home a few days when he can. Luckily my mom and sisters live very close so I know they will be a great support system.

It will be hard but I know he will be super involved at night time when he gets home. I'm lucky to have a year of mat leave though so hopefully once we are in a routine it will become our new normal.

1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?

DH took about 9 days off. He took off the day I was induced (a Thursday) and was off Friday, too. Then he took off the entire next week. This was absolutely mandatory--our baby was in the hospital and I could NOT drive and get to see her. And we have no family nearby, so he really needed to take off. She came home Saturday night. He took Monday off and started back at half days, which were great. A day or two he worked from home. Even when he went back full time, though, he was home by 3pm every day. That was great. But even if your DH is working from home,

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?

Have you guys talked about maternity leave expectations? Most days, in addition to taking care of the baby, I cleaned and got dinner put together. It took awhile, though. In the beginning, I napped while she napped and all that jazz. As time went on, she fell into more of a routine and I'd use that time to do stuff around the house. But mostly, i gave DH the baby when he got home and that is when I did household stuff. I needed to do non-baby stuff and yeah, that was cleaning and cooking.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?
You just have to make a conscious decision to let your DH do more and ASK him to do more. Give him the baby when he gets home. And let him do things his own way. DH figured out how to change diapers and do things with the baby--you will probably know the baby better since you are home with it all day long. But your way is not the best or the right way and many, many times, DH did something differently than me but equally if not MORE effective! Oh gosh, so many things he just figured out things that worked and then I'd be the one implementing them during the day. Let him find his own way and don't rescue him immediately when he can't calm the baby down asap. We always jokingly said that E needed to learn that daddy was just as good as mommy. It took some time--i could definitely calm her down faster--but that's not always the point. Now that i'm back at work, we kind of each have our own tasks. If i'm busy, DH asks, "what can i do to help you? what do we need to do before WE sit down and watch tv together"....

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!

I also talked to DH about this beforehand. I was raised in a very traditional household, and i told him i was so worried about this. Eventually he said, "look, what makes you think i'm going to be this deadbeat dad that lets you do everything? I want to be involved. Stop expecting me to be a bum". it was eye opening. I was projecting far too much onto him.

/novel

DH took 3 weeks of leave and it was amazing. I had an extremely hard birth though, and I needed him. If your DH can't stay with you, could another family member?

DH took almost a month, and it was wonderful. I do most of the baby stuff, but I'm a SAHM. He does the majority of it when he comes home in the evenings. Give your husband the benefit of a doubt. Don't let a book stress you out about a problem that doesn't even exist. You'll have to figure out what works best for your family.

@locavore_mama: If he wants the business to be successful though, he'll need to work hard. Often start up business owners work way more hours than someone who earns a salary.

@AmeliaBedilia: My DH and I also own our own business. I won't even really get maternity leave, I'll just be taking time off and eventually not work at all and be a SAHM. My DH won't really take that much time off either. Personally I feel that if DH is working and I am not I should be given a bigger slice of the responsibility of our children. Of course that doesn't mean he shouldn't pull his parenting weight, but I do expect I'll end up doing more of it. I'm fine with that.

My husband will only be able to take off a week and will try to work from home as much as they will allow. He has to save a week of vacation for the time between Christmas and New Year's when his office is closed.

1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?

DH took three weeks total - one week of full pay vacation, and two weeks of partial pay FMLA through the state. It was absolutely wonderful being together as a family of three - my body rebounded quickly, so we went on lots of walks and little outings about town. I had some traumatic, post-birth complications, and a hell of a time breastfeeding because of it, so he was a much needed source of guidance and support. I wish he could have taken more time off, but that's merely because I enjoyed his company so much. I'd say, take as much time as you are financially able!

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?

It will feel like you're doing more, at first, yes. But once you're both back at work, and get in the swing of things, I'm sure things will even out. Be vocal, and voice your needs.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?

I'm trying to work this out, myself. Assuming you're both fed in the evening, let your husband take the baby when he gets home from work. Take 30-60 minutes to just chill out, on your own - draw a bath, catch up on email, read a chapter of a new book. If you pump, or use formula, let your partner take over some of the late night feedings. Take advantage of weekends - request one morning to just sleep in!

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!

I think you should go ahead and try. DD was a beautiful surprise, but everything is slowly, but surely working itself out. DH is an active, amazing father, and such a supportive husband through all of this. Be confident in his abilities to assist you!

@pui: yea but like you said self employed you can make your hours. DH can work at night or when baby is sleeping and still be home. WOHM doesn't give you that option.

To answer your questions:
1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?
One week and no, he wanted much more!

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?
I don't think he should push back his opening bc of the chance that baby *might* arrive that month.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?
I think it really depends on your DH! My DH is very hands on and a cleanly person.

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?
I wouldn't push back TTC because of a what if.

For us it is super important... buuuut, we don't get any. He will have 1 week after she is born from his vacation time and they are letting him work from home the next week. That is it. I don't even have maternity leave. I have to use FMLA and they only pay me for the PTO I have at this point (Vacation, sick, holiday, etc.) So I will get 8 weeks paid and 4 weeks unpaid. I will end up doing most of the work only because I will be the only one there most of the day. It sucks. But in the end, having LO here will be worth it.

DH took off 2 weeks with our first, and then another week when I went back to work. He wants to do the same with our second, though I'd actually be fine with him going back to do half days much sooner since my mom now lives only 40 minutes away and can come help.

My DH has always been an equal partner and always wanted to be. There are plenty of times (if I have a surge of work/deadlines at the office, when I got pregnant again), when he actually does the majority of parenting tasks.
I think it helps that I was never possessive of LO. I felt overwhelmed just by nursing, so when LO wasn't actually attached to my boob, I handed him off to DH and went off to shower or nap or whatever, so DH had a lot of alone time with LO from Day 1. He's always been really at ease with babies, but if he hadn't been, he would have had to get over it real quick because he didn't have any options. Our lactation consultant also had me pumping from the beginning and giving one bottle of pumped milk a day to LO, so that was always DH's job.
I think if he has the flexibility to do half days, that makes a big difference. When I was first on my own with LO, I could do four hours without too much trouble, but once DH had been gone 8 or 9 hours I was counting the minutes till he'd come back.

@Vegmama: Yeah, we knew DH was eligible for FMLA, and his office would have had zero problem if he'd taken the full 12 weeks (he's had colleagues take longer than that, with no issues), but he didn't have enough vacation time to cover more than about 3 fulls weeks (two after LO was born, and one when I went back to work), plus the fact that I often wanted him to come home early once he did go back, and we didn't want him to be taking unpaid time off when I was already doing that at my job.
Plus, while it was really nice to have him home for 2 weeks, my DH really loves his job, and is an extrovert who needs more stimulation than an exhausted introvert and a newborn can provide. Plus we had other people in to help out, and while it was really nice to have two people around (me + my mom, or my sister, or DH's godmother), three was kind of overkill.

1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?

I think he took off a week, then worked half days for the next week. We have a lot of family support, so that was enough. My Mom or MIL were over for a few hours most every week day for a month or so. As long as you have family support, you'll be okay.

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?

I think that while you are on maternity leave, you will be doing more parenting, but that will shift when you are both working. DH should be expected to help out when he's not working.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?

DH helps a lot - at least 50%, sometimes more if I'm slammed at work. He's always been helpful, but a few things I've consciously done have helped. When I need help, I ask for it. DH isn't a mind reader and if I don't tell him what I need him to do, it won't happen. I don't criticize how he does things. DH doesn't do things the way I do them, but the get done. I can either complain it wasn't done "right" or just be happy its done.

We both WFT, so we have to divide and conquer to survive.

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!

Don't push back - you have 9-10 months to prepare for a baby.

Try not to overanalyze everything now. Unless DH has given you reason to believe he's a deadbeat, trust him to be a great dad.

I'd read that women between the age of 30-35 have about a 15% chance of conception each cycle. It's not unusual for it to take a little longer than you expected. Hopefully you'll get your soon!

To answer your questions:
1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?
DH took exactly 6 weeks off. It wasn't enough!

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?
To be honest, it won't be equal regardless, at least not during the first few weeks. A newborn eats every 3-4 hours. In the beginning, mamas are feeding machines. Even if your DH is in charge of all of the diaper changes, you will be up more often because of the frequency of feedings.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?
By making sure your DH understands that he needs to be there for you. That means coffee by his night stand, if need be. I think it's more realistic to go into it knowing that in the beginning, it won't be equal. It sounds harsh, but since women are the ones with breasts, we play the essential role during the newborn phase. You will mostly take care of your newborn, he needs to understand that he needs to help take care of YOU during those first crucial weeks. This is on top of all the diaper changes and all his help with the baby.

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this? I am reluctant since I am 33, we haven't gotten pregnant in 3 months of trying and I am feeling so frustrated!
I guess I don't quite understand the question. If you avoid this cycle, wouldn't that lower your chances of getting paternity leave since your husband is planing to leave his job soon? I know TTC is frustrating, but hang in there. Have you looked into charting? If it's timed correctly, it'll greatly increase your chances. Good luck!

1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?
He took three weeks. His job entitles him to a certain amount of paternity leave within the first year of the baby's life, so he has taken more since then too. It has been great; our daughter is a total daddy's girl. The three weeks was enough in the beginning but honestly month 2 with baby was MUCH more difficult than the first month, so I wish he had had time then...but it just worked out that he couldn't take off those specific weeks. You just take what you can get.. If you have family support then it will be much easier.

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?
I think so. Starting a business is A LOT of work and taking care of a newborn is A LOT of work. It sounds like you will have to sort of divide and conquer.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?
I don't know. I'm a sahm, and I do lots, even when grad school is in session. It helps to have discussions about what specific tasks each of us will do, but this is something that is hard to plan for until you give birth, and even then, everything is always changing, so it's an ongoing thing. What @crumbs said about the newborn phase is true. Even though I didn't bf past the first week, I was pumping and bottle feeding and I still ended up doing much more.

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?
If you REALLY want everything to be settled with his business, I'll be honest, yes, you should wait. But I think there will ALWAYS be "what ifs" and you can't and shouldn't wait for everything to be "perfect." Babies/kids will throw things at you that you are unprepared for, no matter how well organized your life is prior to baby. So overall..I'd say no. But if your heart is really set on things going a certain way, then yes.

1. How much time did DH take with your baby? Was it enough?
DH took 2 full weeks off. It was enough! He was only planning on taking 1 week, but since we ended up being in the hospital the entire first week, he took an extra week off to help us get settled at home too. I also had a really tough time in the first 2 weeks after delivery.

2. If DH does his proposed plan, is that likely to set up a very unequal split?
I think being a business owner is going to automatically cause him to have to work very hard in order to make his business successful.

3. How can we not fall into the "mom does 90%" trap?
For us, having certain tasks that are DH's tasks works for us. For instance, I cook while he plays with our LO when he gets home from work, so that he always has a bit of quality time with her each day. Then he always does the dishes while I am putting our LO to bed.

4. Do you think we should avoid pregnancy this cycle to avoid having a baby in all of this?
I wouldn't stop TTC. There is never a "good time"... I think you should go for it if you know you want a baby. You never know how long it will take you to conceive!