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Ugh, I'd have a really hard time moving past something like this. Honestly, I think I'd just take a break from her. That's basically what I did when I was having issues with my SMIL, and they were no where near as bad as what you're describing with your MIL. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I want have DH communicate to her that she needs to apologize for what she said, not just the conditions under which she said them. He would need to have a conversation along the lines of 'She is my wife and the mother of my children and you need to treat her with the acceptance and respect that that post deserves.' Basically if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!

I would probably also insist that she retract to your kids.

I would not let her FaceTime with the kids, how do you know she won't say something terrible again?

Seeing my own sister's experience with my mom saying things to her children about her parenting and how it caused problems, I would say no alone time with your littles until you felt comfortable she wouldn't do something like that again (if you ever feel comfortable again!).

Maybe set some carefully planned outings with the entire family and include MIL? Trust is a hard thing to earn back and she's going to have to work at it - an apology would be a good start.

What went on is between you two. I wouldn't let it affect her relationship with her grandchildren, especially if they are still young. They probably don't know what went on? I would just limit contact with her or just on an as-needed basis. I would be furious, though, if my MIL spoke to me like that, especially if I did nothing wrong. I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's awful! However, if she bad mouths you to your kids, then I would not let her talk to them. She is clearly letting it purposely affect your kids' emotions.

@JCCovi: this.

You now come first in your husbands life and it sounds like he recognizes that if he's just as mad at his mom. So he needs to stand up to her and say it's unacceptable and if you can't respect her, then yes- I don't really want you to be part of my kids' lives. I could never have someone be a part of my child's life who treated me with so much disrespect and cruelty. She is not "entitled" to that simply because she's their grandmother.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

My dad's mother was very much like this - she would make snarky comments about my mother, never anything quite as outright as that though, right in front of everyone, and my mom would end up forgiving her because she felt like grandparents are so important and that she loved us so much and deserved a relationship with us.

That was absolutely the wrong decision; I wish she had cut her out of our lives much sooner than she did. When my mom wasn't around the comments were even worse - it puts kids in an absolutely horrible position to hear someone they love and have been raised to respect bad-mouthing their mother. And as I got older, I was much like my mom in many ways, and my grandma started treating me worse and worse for being, as she always said with a snarky tone, 'just like your mother.' She was pretty sneaky about it - she would apologize and act fine to my mom's face for long enough that my parents would start to trust her and let her take us kids places again, and she would immediately start bad-mouthing my mom and tearing down my self-esteem again.

Bottom line - I wouldn't ever be able to trust her again if I were you. At the very least I would take a long break from her that doesn't end until you get a real apology, and even then, please do not leave your kids alone with her or let any further comments slide.

As hard as it is, I would not let a grandparent have a relationship with the child under circumstances where the grandparent is not willing to be civil (at a minimum!) to their grandchild's parent. The desire to exclude a parent shows disdain for the family, and the child is a part of that family, so it's actually also offensive to the child. I'm sorry you're going through this. Family members being sh***y is the worst.

My Mother and my grandmother (her MIL) have always had a difficult relationship. My grandma whom I love and is 94 never misses to criticize my Mom, particularly about how well she does or does not care for my Dads every need. I often had overnights with my grandparents as a child and teenager, since my parents traveled often. Sometimes I would travel hours away to my Aunts with them. Mom does not care much for Grandma either. They tolerate each other in person. Some of the feelings my grandma has towards my mom are about the same as what you mentioned above. All that said, I had no clue there was any drama until long after I was married. I would not call myself the favorite but they doted on me, and the relationship I had with my grandparents I treasured. I just thought my story might inspire you to work towards a resolution, if not now then the future, after she has sufficiently earned your trust.

If this is recent, I would take this time to think things through. You need a breather, you do not need to make any decisions now. Give it some time before resuming contact, but perhaps this is a blessing in disguise - do you really want that type of person near your kids? If she couldn't contain herself enough to think before she speaks in front of your kids, then how can you really trust her in the future?

@SugarplumsMom: totally agree. I would let some time go by. I don't see any urgency in making any sort of decisions rightthisminute, especially since your previous relationship seemed like a good one (if you already had a rocky history, maybe this would have been the last straw, but since you didn't seem to, I would refrain from doing anything.. Let some time go by until you have a cooler head.

@luckypenny: I would take some time for yourself to sort out your feelings and reflect on the situation. You don't have to answer me, but is this a first time offense? What was the context of this conversation? It concerns me that your daughter is old enough to notice this conflict, and it's concerning that your MIL would treat you like this in front of her. Your MIL doesn't have to like you, but you are her sons wife and her grandchildrens mother - so at the very least, she has to tolerate you... and that means being cordial and polite. You owe her the same.

I wouldn't Necesarily jump straight to a cut-off unless this has been a long time coming, so that's why I'm suggesting taking time to think and sort your feelings.

I'm a big believer that your family is a package deal. It's very telling to me that your husband didn't want to talk to her.

She also extended a classic fauxpology: a TRUE apology has three forms.
1. Apolgize and state what you've done wrong ("i am sorry for having called you a bad mother.")
2. Accept responsibility for your actions ("I shouldn't have called you that and shouldn't have raised my voice in front of the children, setting a poor example for them. You are a patient and caring mother, and I can tell by the way your children __insert action here_____")
3. Show future actions ("the future, I promise to be respectful of your decision making and will not interfere with your parenting decisions."

If she really means it, she'll show remorse and stick to her word.

@luckypenny: you say she checked herself in to a mental institution is there a chance she's having a relapse?

My mother suffers from a mood and anxiety disorder and when her condition deteriorates she will act in a way that is entirely not herself. Especially in high stress situations which if your daughter was having a coughing fit it may have been.

My mother is lucky to have my father there to look after her and when she is not herself he gets her help. Is there anyone like that looking out for your mil?

Ohhh I feel like I could have written this. In my case, I have two MILs (the GMIL who raised DH as a son and the actual MIL, both are insane) who are somewhat cut off from us. I actually had to call the cops on my MIL bc she threatened in writing to b%$ch slap me blind. I am selfish, a b$%ch, a terrible mother, the reason we are broke, unemployable, you name it, that's me. (They have said all of that about me) It's incredibly tough, but I do allow my kids to go with DH and see them. I do not go. I've been through tons of therapy over this. I want DH to cut them off but it's his paaaarents.

Ugh! Well, you can choose to take a stand and cut off communication with her and keep her from seeing your LO's until she apologizes. But do you think she will ever do that? Or Is this her way of apologizing? Do you think she feels bad at all? I try to put myself in that persons shoes and think about whether or not they feel like a jerk. I would not be warm or conversational with her anymore, but I might agree to requests to facetime with LO's and requested meetups, etc. cordially if you think it is what is best for your family.

@luckypenny: that's really rough. I agree with others it's probably best to have space and tread lightly at this point. Hopefully with time she'll realize she needs to address the troubles she's having. My only advice would be to try not to take things too personally. Don't accept bad behaviour but also don't let it affect how you feel about yourself or a potential future relationship with your mil if things improve.