How do I politely ask my MIL to keep to herself when she's sick? We were at my ILs yesterday and she was blaming her breathing problems on her asthma... She also had yellow mucus, phlegm, and a scratchy throat. I have asthma too so I told her it could be a respiratory infection because it didn't sound like asthma to me at all. The problem is that she NEVER thinks she's sick... it's always, oh my allergies (runny nose, cough, yellow mucus), oh it's something in the air (runny nose, cough, yellow phlegm), it's my medication (she had diarrhea and was vomiting and baby caught the bug a few days later). I've tried subtly suggesting that she see a doctor to rule out a sickness to be on the safe side with baby but she get defensive. I am getting really tired of it... They see baby at least 2x a week so it's not like they're deprived if we miss a visit by playing it safe!
-
Can you limit your visits with her? I would hope she would understand how vulnerable babies are!
-
Sometimes as a mom, I think we just have to bite the bullet and come out with it. Especially when it threatens the health of our LOs. There are things I would have been uncomfortable addressing with people prior to having my daughter, like if the same situation happened with your MIL only she was jeopardizing the health of adults, I would have just dealt. But when someone, even family, does anything (especially over and over again!) that affects LO, I have to just come out with it. She is too little to defend herself. DH and I are the only ones that can protect her. And even if your MIL gets offended (she'll get over it!), at least you will have protected your LO from her.
-
I would just say since its cold and flu season we have to be extra careful to keep LO away from anyone who might be getting sick.
-
@derevival & @matador84: we've tried/are trying that... when she is blatantly sick she does avoid seeing him but it seems anytime she can downplay it, she does. SO's parents are very dense and don't get subtle hints.
@princessbaby: you're right... I should. I wanted to last night but SO's sister who was visiting was leaving last night and I didn't want to sour the warm, family atmosphere. Maybe I'll send her an email?
-
@jetsettermomma: To me, if you see someone twice a week (that's often!), and you send an email - it might make it more weird than it has to be. If it were me, I would just say "Look, you recently got LO sick, I know you didn't mean to and you never seem to think that you are that sick, and I know you wouldn't come around if you were on your death bed, but ANY sick just won't work around LO. At all. I'm sorry, but I'm just watching out for my baby. I hope you understand." I know it's touchy, but the most important thing here is your LO, not your MIL's feelings.
I'm SURE that she knows deepdown that she's sick, but she pushes the limit of what's acceptable bc she feels she can get away with it, and maybe doesn't stop to think about the consequences, only that she wants to see LO.We've had some tough situations, but at the end of the day, if I'm doing what's best for my baby, I just let the stress or tension or worry about others' feelings roll off my back. That's my job!
-
@jetsettermama i agree with princessbaby...then sometimes you gotta just be blunt! you'll be kicking yourself if LO ends up sick...i know i would be, and i didn't keep away the sickies.
try and look at it with positive intentions...maybe she just loves your LO so much she can't stand to be away from them even when she's sick. if you spin it like that maybe she won't be offended. "if you really care about LO you won't want them to get sick and babies have a weaker immune system than adults...so i know you'll help me out with this..."
-
@jetsettermomma: I just realized your post said you guys were over at MIL's house....I would definitely abandon ship if I realized that she was sick and we'd come to HER house....That's even easier to be like "Peace out! Gotta protect LO from getting sick! Feel better! Bye!"
-
@princessbaby: the main reason I wanted to do it via email is because when I've spoken with her about anything important in the past, it's like she has ADD and doesn't seem to hear or understand a thing I say. SO thinks it's just that his mom is not a good listener. She misconstrues things she hears. I figure if it's in black and white she can re-read it and have time to digest the info? Even the dad is not a good listener... they are the type to nod their heads like, "yeah, yeah" before you even finish what you're trying to say.
@matador84: thanks for that last line! I've drafted a message and I had something along those lines but I will add what you put for extra oomph!
-
@jetsettermomma: Why are all MILs crazy? Lol It's so rare to see someone posting "My MIL is so normal and doesn't drive me nuts at all!"
-
@princessbaby: Hahaha!! Seriously! I had already accepted her the way she is prior to having baby but now that we have LO I realize I can't ignore half the things I used to anymore. It's definitely testing my patience! Grrr...
-
omg she totally responded and said that we take baby to all sorts of places so he could have caught his cold/cough elsewhere and not from her! and that it takes WEEKS for an illness to incubate. argh. so frustrating!
-
Taking your kid somewhere that sick people *could* be is not the same as someone who is sick physically handling and breathing all over your child!
-
@PrincessBaby: This. Exactly! I have had to make several suuuuper uncomfortable confrontations in the last few months . . . total bite the bullet moments . . . on LO's behalf. I will say, as scary as it was, it has helped to establish that I am calling the shots (and that what I say goes!), and it has helped to make me feel more confident as a mom.
@jetsettermomma: I have had to deal with something similar . . . I just flat out said, to my relative's face, "I'm really sorry, but unless and until you (a) start to look like you're not sick (asymptomatic), or (b) have your family doc confirm that it is allergies and not a cold/the flu, then I can't let you hold LO or be around LO. I just can't take the chance that you will get LO, me, or my DH sick."
-
It does not take weeks! Ds comes home from kindergarten with crape all the time and days later I'm suffering! A stomach bug went through our home in less than a week!
-
@blackbird: Spot on!
ETA: Unknown risk versus Known risk. You can't always control where you *have * to go and what you are exposed to along the way, but you can control who handles your child. ILs . . . *augh*
-
@jetsettermomma: as MsLipGloss said- you are calling the shots! Let her know that! She does sound like a real piece of work, but you need to let her know that it's no up for debate. You're not asking her opinion. You're telling her she cant be around LO sick. Done and done!
-
Wow, first off the fact that a grandmother is willing to risk getting a child sick is crazy to me. I'm still blunt when it comes to sick people, someone will say "hey do you mind if we stop by to see the baby" and the first thing always is "is anyone sick, do you have a cold, ect?" No one has ever seemed offended by this and if so...oh well
-
@lulu mom: SO is very disappointed in his parents/family for putting their own interests (fun, play) first before DS's (sleep, health, safety). When he was first born, his family posted pictures of him an FB when we asked to keep the photos private within the family... his sister is a romance novel author and posted pictures of DS on her author FB page (not her real one which is private). As you can imagine, that spurred a family argument with SO saying he wasn't comfortable having pics of DS shared with strangers and his sister (supported by MIL) said that everyone on her author page were friends. It was resolved when the sister got herself a stalker on her author FB and she and MIL promptly started preaching about online safety.
Also, when we first brought DS home, ILs would come over and WAKE HIM UP from his sleep to play with him (he's 2 weeks old, he won't do much even if he was awake!)... if DS was not in a happy mood, MIL would say upon leaving, "Next time I am ordering a happy Mikey. I don't like the grumpy one"! She still says this from time to time.
@blackbird: Thank you! If I had her mindset, I would NEVER take DS out anywhere! Incidentally, MIL is a hermit and never leaves their house... funny how she gets sick so much despite that fact!
@katiew92081: I could not agree more! When DS caught the stomach flu bug from MIL, it only took 1-2 days (I've caught the stomach flu from my niece in less than 24 hours before). But MIL insisted that it was her meds giving her stomach flu symptoms and that DS probably got diarrhea from being around our dog! WTF?!
@mslipgloss & @princessbaby: I am sticking to my guns on this one and fortunately I do have SO's support. We pretty much are on the same page on what we can be lenient on and what really matters to us.
I've learned to accept many things about MIL over the years and recently have accepted that when they watch DS I can't expect them to stick to our routine for naps, etc. But I just can't stand that she doesn't show any concern for his health and well being and thinks that SO and I are being overprotective. I thought I could appeal to the parent/mother in her from one mom to another but I guess I was wrong.
Thanks so much for your support and for letting me vent!! I am still developing my "mommy muscles" and appreciate other mommies' points of view on my predicament!
-
To be fair, MIL wasn't always this bad... she was a little more normal when I first met SO. We both think it's from lack of socialization and that she's out of touch with reality. She lives vicariously through the internet and TV.
-
@jetsettermomma: Babies bring out the worst or best in people, I think. I bet it's probably the #1 clash between inlaws!
-
@jetsettermomma: Wow, I'm sorry! I would make DH put his foot down and say "no waking the baby, no sick people" and they just have to deal with it.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
21 comments