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Honestly, I'd be a little resentful, but I think if it's important to him, I'd try to be ok with it. It's just one Saturday a month... My DH plays with his band on average once a week, and plays hockey once a week as well. While I don't like the time it takes away from our family, I know that it's important to him to have these outlets, and he's a happier person for it.

I would be ok with it. Once a month doesn't seen like a lot. I hope you guys can get good family time on Sunday!

Half a day, once a month? Yeah, I'd be ok with that. He deserves a break sometimes too.

My husband plays in a hockey league that plays Wednesday and Saturday night and Monday (he's off Sun-Tues) they play an away game for a half day. He works 12 hour afernoon shifts Wednesday to Saturday, and I often go Tuesday night to Sunday morning without ever seeing him awake or having him help with anything in the house. So, I'm not just saying that, when it wouldn't be ok in our house.

Honestly I think you are quite lucky, my DH runs a football team on a Sunday. Every weekend. We just make Saturday our day and Sunday is my day with family or the girls.
I have no complaints, I think it's healthy to have seperate lives and 1 day a week is enough for me as we see each other every night. I think my DH would feel trapped if I took that away from him.
I would suggest you make that one day a month YOUR day, that will make you feel better about it

I totally know how you feel. It's terrible to give up any time.

But I think once a month(assuming this is his main activity) isn't that bad. Maybe you can compromise and he miss it if it's more than an hour away?

Also is there a way to make this partially a family event. Like you guys all ride together (family time in the car) and you drop him off? I'm sure he would rather ride with the guys but getting that extra bit of time together in the car can be nice.

I think it's very important we all have things going on in our lives that we enjoy, that are just for us. Time with friends, working out, hobbies, etc. It keeps us happier and more well rounded. I think it is unreasonable to expect every spare minute to be spent with family, and I would most certainly use it as an opportunity to gain some solo time once a month, too! Somehow men don't seem to have the problem taking some alone time, but many women do, and we shouldn't! it's good for us!

@Mrs tartan: I felt exactly as you before LO came along. But now that we have LO, things have changed. If husband leaves, it's not the wife's opportunity to have fun with friends or go get a massage. It means she does all the crying, feeding, nap fighting, cleaning, cooking alone.....again.

my husband and I are all about time alone. But it's occasional, and not for entire days. I go shopping or to get a pedicure or to a happy hour while he has LO, and he goes for drinks with friends or goes bike riding, etc. but those are all 2-3 hour events and usually after LO is asleep..not all day.

So I understand the OP.

Honestly? I wouldn't be upset at all. One Saturday a month seems like a very reasonable schedule. He works hard supporting his family and I think it's important to still have some things you get to enjoy doing for yourself after you have children.

I don't think one day a month is too bad.
DH spends a few hours each weekend doing his hobbies away from DD. He often gets home during the week after bedtime. Playing tennis is what he needs to feel balanced enough to be a good dad. He always makes sure that he spends good quality time with us and that my needs are being met. If I need him more one weekend he'll skip it. But honestly one day a month is not much time at all especially if it's only four hours sometimes.

I'd be bummed but I wouldn't try to stop him. DH travels for work one weekend a month so the rest of our weekends are important to me. Still, he plays poker every Thursday night and softball/football (depending on the season) on Sundays. Sometimes I get resentful and want him to stay home with us but I know how much he enjoys his activities. Like a PP said, he would feel trapped if he couldn't have his "me" time and hobbies.

I know that he would have no problems allowing me the same time to myself but, more often than not, I don't want it or need it. I don't have any hobbies that I'm passionate about. I can't blame him for that. He encourages me to take time for myself and it's my fault if I don't take it.

I totally understand your resentment though. I started a thread a few weeks ago about how my husband takes a week long vacation without me every year. I get really jealous about not having a break and resentful about the extra work I have to do because of it. It's hard feeling left out sometimes!

@mrbee: no, not retaliatory at all. I mean it seriously. Why is it that so many dads feel completely guiltless about maintaining these hobbies and trips but moms don't enjoy the same?

I have two friends that had a baby last summer close to when I gave birth. Both are (were?) avid runners who trained and competed in a few marathons a year. Neither have had time since baby to run more than a mile or two at a time--- plus they are both EBF so they couldn't be gone several hours training anyway because they would have to stop and pump. I myself used to travel as much as humanly possible (since I have 3.5 months off a year). One year I went in a New England road trip, an LA-to Vancouver road trip, spent 3 weeks in India and flew to Montreal. And yet, since having LO I haven't even entertained the idea of a trip without her or DH because it just seems wrong.

Read a mom blog for a little while and you will see a common theme of judgement when one has help with childcare. The phrase, "why did she even HAVE kids?" Gets thrown around a lot.

I really don't understand why we women drop our hobbies so readily after having babies but our husbands don't. Is like to say it's just coincidence, but I really think it's a larger issue of societal expectations and traditional roles rearing it's head.

We've had countless threads here on HB (which I consider a microcosm of the rest of the world) where someone will ask "when did you first leave your baby overnight?" And tons of answers are along the lines of 1-2 years, never., or early but feeling guilty about it. Why don't dads feel the same?

And largely, they don't feel this same responsibility for LOs because we also have a lot of threads of women asking how the rest of us would feel if our husbands.... (Fill in the blank with left two nights a week for a hobby, took a trip alone with friends, came home from work and didn't want to help with LO, slept through all night wakeups with LO).

I'm not saying all women and men fall into these categories (my husband doesn't. I only partially do), but it just seems awfully prevalent.

I guess I wonder... If everyone is happy about this division of responsibility, why are there so many threads about it?

I admitted that in this OPs case, my response was colored by the other similar threads that I've read here. So maybe I was a little more strident in my answer. But really at the end of the day I really so think that if spending a large amount of time away from spouse and kids is healthy and essential for making a person not feel "trapped" (which is a word reserved mostly for husbands it seems), then I genuinely think a mother has the responsibility to make it a priority to get herself a hobby that also regularly takes her out of the house and away from husband and kids.

I really do. Then maybe those studies that say men benefit from marriage but women don't would change. Just something I've been thinking about lately.

@NurseMommy: everything you said!

I would probably be upset given how little he sees your LO during the week. Even though I know that parents need time alone and away from their LOs, it's hard for me to relate in a situation like this because if I only saw my DD 30 minutes a day (or not at all) during the week I wouldn't want to be away from her on the weekends. Since going back to work I really appreciate our weekends together (and I see her for much more than 30 min a day during the week).

DH and I still go on date nights and I still go to dinner with friends, but I try to do it at night after LO goes to sleep.

@Anagram: I did read a slight vibe in your first post along the lines of what I mentioned earlier, but I guess it's just that you feel strongly about the subject... thanks for clarifying!

I agree with a lot of what you are saying, although I think one has to be careful when generalizing about gender roles... most guys that I know haven't done the things you mentioned.

@Anagram: Because men don't have that maternal instinct. Honestly, I think it's as simple as that. For many, many years, society was "women stayed home with children, men went out and worked" and it wasn't that long ago that that mentality was still very much prevalent.

I'm not saying its right, per say, but its something I believe us women have to remember and gently guide our husbands into the direction of true co-parenting.

ETA: I'm not saying ALL men are like that (especially you, Mr. Bee!), there are many single dads out there that are doing a better job than some mom's would, but that mentality is still out there.

@Dagny: To OP, for me personally, ATM once a month isn't a big deal. We do not have children, but I would hope that when they do come into the picture that DH and I will be able to keep some form of our normal life (at least after the newborn stage) of going out and keeping up with hobbies, maybe not as much but at least enough to keep us sane.

@Anagram: in terms of this: "It's always the husbands maintaining these hobbies that take a lot of time after kids come along, and never the wives! What gives, I mean really. How many of us moms here have hobbies that take us away one entire Saturday a month." I don't really think one day a month is "a lot of time" for a hobby. And should we really blame men for this difference? As a parent, it's healthy to still lead your own lives and have your own hobbies. So in this case, for example, I don't feel like it's that fair to try to equalize things by making the guy give up his hobbies. It would make more sense to me for the solution to be mom taking a different day a month to herself, that way both parents get some "me-time" and no one has to feel resentful.

I'd be annoyed but at the same time it is only once a month. Maybe you can also find something to do once a month as well. We all need to do things for ourselves once in a while, right?

@MrsSCB: and I think that's totally fine and great if both spouses like that arrangement and don't mind. I have a friend with two kids who still manages to do things alone a lot and her husband gets time too and it works perfectly for them. But if one spouse is resentful, it might be good to explore why and make changes--- either, as you said, have the mom get and maintain a hobby of her own while dad takes the kids.... Or have dad cut down in outside activities to spend time with family.

What works for each family will be different. But it irks me a little when we talk about not trapping our husbands and we don't spend the same energy worrying about not trapping ourselves.

I'm with you--- get a hobby of your own and see what you've been missing out on-- it could improve your marriage.

@MrsSCB: I totally get what you're saying and think it's a valid point. If the OP's situation were different and her DH was home during the week to help out and give her a break I would tend to agree with you. But the OP is working and taking care of their LO all week and she's basically doing it alone. I work and my DH helps out a lot during the week and it's still really, really hard. I guess that's the part that I think is unfair--her DH is rarely around to give her a break during the week and he's going to take an additional weekend day to himself. When I was on maternity leave I could not wait for the weekend because it meant I got a break. Hell, by Tuesday I was already daydreaming about the weekend. The OP's husband isn't just taking a day to himself, he's also effectively making it so that the OP has an extra day of work.

My work is actually my break. It sounds bad, but taking care of LO is so much harder and stressful than my job. Taking care of LO is also more rewarding, but it's not easy.

@lawbee11: great points. Honestly taking care of lo isn't like anything else. It is exhaustive to have to be 'on' all the time.