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@lawbee11: I just think being resentful can go both ways. It's not like he's having fun to himself all day everyday. He's at work. What if he hates his job? That can be pretty miserable. But even if he doesn't hate it, I could see him feeling a little resentful if he had to give up his hobby. Taking care of a child alone all day is really hard, which is why I feel like it seems healthier and more fair for op to get some time to herself than to make her husband quit. Of course every family is different, so take that with a grain of salt
but this balance thing is really tough.
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@lawbee11: My husband really, really doesn't understand this. Back when LO was a colicky mess, he flatly refused to take her off my hands when he got in from work because his feeling was that he had been at work all day (while I was "at home") so he was more deserving of a break than I was. Honestly, I can't wait to go back to work for a rest!!!!
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@Anagram: FTR, I don't think you sound "strident." I am with you.
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@Greentea: Agree to disagree. I'm don't think it's an "excuse", I just believe its a fact. As kids growing up, little girls are more often than not the ones "playing house", pretending to be a mother with a baby doll, etc, while the boys are playing with trucks, cars, etc. I've already explained to my DH that BOTH of our personal time will be cut substantially when we have an LO, but I thoroughly believe that I will have to say "no" to DH leaving more then he will with me.
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@Mae: I totally agree.
I'm really surprised how many people on here think it's a bad thing. One day a month isn't bad for someone to have something they enjoy doing. I wouldn't want to demand that my husband spend every spare minute with me and LO. I wouldn't feel bad getting a break now and then and I wouldn't resent my husband for it either. My DH and I enjoy the fact that we can be independent from each other now and then.
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One day a mth is ok w me! Dh is joining a golf league in spring and that's once a week! He deserves his time too!
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Thanks everyone for your responses and honesty! He is going to participate in the poker league - of course I'm not thrilled about it, but I think he does need that time to do something independently of our family. It's just hard for me to understand fully - I was raised in a very family-focused religious community and to be honest, I just don't like spending a lot of time away from hubby and LO. Considering how little time we have together during the week, weekends are kind of sacred to me. I do think it is healthy to have some alone time for yourself outside of your family, but at this point I just don't really want to do that for myself. I just really enjoy the family time. I guess it's just a combination of the way I was raised and my personality. I should note that DH is very willing for me to have my own time and encourages me to have my own time.
I think I'll just need to focus on trying not to resent the time he'll spend at poker. That will be my personal challenge!
@KATSUPGIRL - it's an annual league so it's every year Feb.-Nov.
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@HellOnHeels: I am sure that does happen due to cultural standards. I just don't think it is innate. You know what though? Being a ebfing mom I definitely am always ... more in charge (inherently) (or more ... the baby obviously is more dependant on me) because the baby ... needs me to eat, so I guess that naturally plays a role in the dynamic. (Basically I am with the baby all the time and I have to ask if I need or want help from dh... that's just how the dynamic is and I don't know how -due to bfing- it could be different. But dh is totally equally wanting to be here for the baby and for me to give me a break.) DH grew up cooking and caring for his mom and sisters so we don't have the same cultural dynamic. So who knows I guess... nature... nuture... potato
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That's tough! Time is so precious. My DH made it clear that he needs a guys night once in awhile and I need girl time/me time. In our family DH gets on weekend night a month with his friends and I get one weekend day to myself to spend as I like, massage, lunch with friends, ect. That works for us, but it took a while to figure it out. It's nice that your DH is open to compromise. I would really communicate my feelings and truly listen to his, and meet somewhere in the middle.
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@Anagram: Totally agree with you. I always feel a little bad for NOT really feeling bad when saying that yes, I left my daughter with a sitter frequently when she was tiny or that if we lived closer to my family I would have done an overnight away from LO pretty early, as well. I feel like I'm "supposed" to want to be attached to my daughter 24/7. But I'm a reluctant SAHM and I need a break!
Luckily, my husband is awesome at this. Our marriage is by no means perfect, but we really do respect each other's need to have time on our own. I long for the day when there's more equality when it comes to the division of labor re: childcare.
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I'm sure someone probably said the same thing...
I think it's okay for him to go, esp it's not year round and it's important to him! I think it just makes you guys smarter in how to spend the time you do have together. It's quality over quantity!
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Could it also be that part of the issue is the pastime itself? Would you react so strongly if he were taking a few hours a month to volunteer with teenagers?
I will be honest, for me it matters very much what the time is spent doing. I would have less issue with my husband cycling for three hours than playing cards for the same amount of time.
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@Anagram: I agree with you to a point in the sense that moms often feel guilty for taking time to themselves or they don't want to leave their LO whereas dads find it easier to do these things. But I think that that is on the moms, you (general you) make the choice to feel guilty, to not have hobbies, to not take time away and then complain about it. For me, I take the time and enjoy it or I don't, but if I don't, I can't martyr about it as it was my choice.
One day a month isn't bad and will probably keep your family life fresher if it is good for your husband. I would definitely take a few hours or a day each month to do something for myself in this situation - not in a retaliatory way - but in a family life balance way. Plus it might me good for LO to have some one on one dad time!
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10 days a year isn't bad. Why don't you get a day a month to pursue your hobbies? That should help resentment and let him understand how it feels for you.
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I know many others have suggested that you get a hobby but it seems like you would rather spend the time with your LO and husband together as family instead of independently - I totally get that and that's how I usually feel. Yes, independent time is important, but I can go out by myself shopping after LO has gone to bed, so weekends are when we try to do family things and take advantage of everyone being home.
One day a month can actually be a big chunk of time depending on how your other weekends are being spent. Like for our family, we're constantly juggling seeing grandparents, going to friends' houses, etc so some weekends we have no time as just the three of us. I guess I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel, and that if I were in your shoes, I would be feeling like one Saturday a month is a big deal!
As a suggestion, for the first weekend after his tournament is over, can you plan a special trip or activity to do, so you have something to look forward to? I would put it on a calendar and stick it to the fridge so it constantly reminds you that it's coming up, so you can countdown the weekends!
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@Anagram: I agree with your response. I think answers would be quite different if OP said she wasn't able to see kids during the week because of work while DH did all their care and worked from home. He asked her to find an alternative to all day poker tournament is this reasonable? I think most people would say yeah that's a pretty reasonable request, there's other ways to play poker so it's not like you'd have to give up the whole hobby.
Also I don't think it's retaliatory to ask the same in return. I think it helps partners to understand their request better and I know if I had less help I'd be more likely to need a break. -
Given my DH does hockey 5x a week, incl 2 games a weekend (plus travel), all on top of his FT job plus commute, I would LOVE something like this instead, ha!
I love the hockey, but sometimes it's frustrating, but in the summer months when I take off for weekends here and there for dog shows...I don't feel bad at all!
but this balance thing is really tough.
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