How would you respond to this email?

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How would you respond to this email?

By MaryM Jul 1, 2014

I just received this email from a coworker - one that I'm super close to and that I considered telling about my miscarriage last winter, but that I just never found the right circumstance to open up to her about it.

Well, hello circumstance.

I don't mind telling her that I've had a miscarriage and will offer to be a resource for her and her friend myself, but I also thought I'd open this up to the community here.

For those that have had a miscarriage, how would you respond to this inquiry:

Have you ever had a friend miscarry a baby? One of my best friends from grad school had a miscarriage over the weekend, and she’s normally very private about her emotions, but she reached out to me to talk about it. I’m just not sure how to handle it. She wasn’t really far a long (9-10 weeks, I think) but far enough that she was already excited about being pregnant. Just curious if you had any experience with that or pointers for what to say.

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Tags: miscarriage

12 comments

Adira
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

Jul 1, 2014

I don't have any particular advice about WHAT you should say, but if you're inclined to tell her about your miscarriage, this would be a great opportunity to do so and maybe offer some things on what helped you and things not to say or do.
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Jul 1, 2014

I intend to do that.

also, another thanks to the person who posted http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2013/october/miscarriage-secret.html last week (or sometime recently).
snowjewelz
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

Jul 1, 2014

It is a great opportunity! I don't want to make up what I may say since I had not been through it, but I am sure that a) she would appreciate you giving her advice having been through it yourself and b) that you're sharing your experience with her!
LBee
pomegranate / 3895 posts

Jul 1, 2014

I have not been through this, but I think it's amazing that you are willing to share your experience with her. I would just commend her on trying to be a good friend through it all and tell her the things that helped you.
2PeasinaPod
pomelo / 5524 posts

Jul 1, 2014

It might be nice for you to share your experience with her. A few pointers that might be helpful for her with her friend:

1. Let her talk, she's reaching out because she's incredibly sad about the loss of her baby. Though she wasn't very far along in your eyes, she was in her eyes.
2. Don't minimize her loss. Saying things like "everything happens for a reason" or "it just wasn't meant to be right now" aren't really helpful.
3. Don't be afraid to ask how she's doing, but try not to ask how TTC is going in the future. Let her know that if she wants to talk about it, you're there for her, but you won't ask unless she specifically wants you to. Leave the option up to her.
4. If you are trying to get pregnant, and you do, try to be sensitive about telling her.
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Jul 1, 2014

@2PeasinaPod: I shared a lot of what you did.

Thankfully, the friend who reached out isn't TTC. And she is super religious, so I was able to respond from a Christian place that I think she (and her friend would appreciate).

Pointers I gave: Don't say "It wasn't the right time" or "it was god's will" or "everything happens for a reason"...because I don't believe God allows, plans for, or lets babies die. Those comments caused a real crisis of faith for me.

Don't assume early losses are easier. They're often more difficult and lonely because fewer people know about them.

I told her to encourage her to find a buddy she could ask questions and check in with (and offered to be that person). I told her I needed a person I could ask about what was happening to me.

I suggested she encourage her friend to be open with her husband...because mine had no clue what to do and I had to get him drunk before he got emotional, which I needed in order to know I wasn't alone. He wanted to "be strong" for me.

In general, I said, to remind her friend early and often that she's praying for her and thinking about her. And that even if she doesn't hear from her for a couple of days or weeks, to not be afraid to ask how she is. That it also hurts when people stop talking about it.

If anyone has other things they'd say, I'm still interested to hear. If there are things I didn't say I plan to update her if something awesome is suggested
catlady
grapefruit / 4988 posts

Jul 1, 2014

@MaryM: I think that is a wonderful list and has everything I would have said. I had a m/c at 10 weeks, so right around the time that this woman did. I would definitely remind your co-worker not to mention to her friend that she "wasn't really far along." To me, being 10 weeks along meant that I had almost two months of dreaming and planning about my baby, as well as morning sickness, food aversions, and other issues. That felt like a really long time.

The only thing I might add is to not try to make any comparisons. My MIL mentioned something about my SIL having a m/c as well, but then went on to say how it might have just been a late period, etc, etc. It was very weird to me. I think she wanted to make me feel like I wasn't alone, but it just made me feel like my m/c was less important because SIL had gone through one (possibly) first.
SweetiePie
honeydew / 7463 posts

Jul 1, 2014

@MaryM: I've had 2 mc's - one around 7 weeks and one around 10-11 weeks. I think everything you said was perfect and it's exactly what I would have listed.
I'm also glad you were able to open up to your work friend. How did that go? Did you feel any relief?
Crystal
grapefruit / 4028 posts

Jul 1, 2014

That was nice you offered to be a resource, it made my experience easier to have someone to talk about it with.
mlm2934
grapefruit / 4311 posts

Jul 1, 2014

@MaryM: sounds like a great list! and the article linked had me fighting back tears -especially the "it's a secret she'll never completely forget" so true!
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Jul 2, 2014

Thanks for weighing in all. You guys are really the best

@SweetiePie: It was sort of a relief to tell her. She is someone I highly respect and we get along really well, but in the moment of everything happening it just seemed like there was never a time to hop into her office and close the door and let loose. Plus there are certain people (or really...a person) in our office who is incredibly inappropriate who I didn't want to risk finding out, so I didn't talk about it at all at work. I even asked my bosses not to mention it at all because I didn't want to be gossiped about.

But I really value her feedback and she immediately offered to pray for me, which is why I really wanted to share with her to start with.

Now I just hate it that her last day is Monday because she's going back to school for a phd!!

@Crystal:
simplyfelicity
cantaloupe / 6634 posts

Jul 2, 2014

I am totally late to the discussion but I just wanted to say what a wonderful friend (and a friend of a friend) you are. I am also very glad you opened up to your friend. I have found supporters in unlikely places.

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