-
We are solid. Life is pretty easy breezy right now because we don't have a kid yet... We are just enjoying us time and focusing on being a strong team before we throw a LO into the mix.
-
I voted 8, things are generally pretty good, but we could be better at communicating when one of us is upset.
-
Can relate to so much of what has been said already.
@BananaPancakes: this makes me feel a lot better. I said we are a 5, but we are still in LO's first year.
@mae: I agree with every word you said. It gets better with each month, but I think what we are both really looking forward to is the little kid stage, not so much the baby stage.It's so shocking to me because we were by far a 8-9 before our son was born. Yeah we had issues but they never overshadowed how much we loved each other and we were so happy and fun-loving. Our friends (with kids, so now I'm seeing the connection) always commented on how our 14 year relationship seemed like a young couple in the honeymoon stage.
It's just so crazy that this little human who we wanted so badly has turned our lives upside down. He's really brought out some of the worst in both of us...yet also some of the best. Despite our marital issues, he is THE BEST dad right now. He loves our son and spends as much time as he can with him. He really helps out when he's around (much more than my friends' husbands).
The good thing is, our son always brings us back together. Even if we have the worst knock-down-drag-out fight, we see our son and things lighten and we find ourselves laughing together and we "make up". The trouble is, it's not too long before we are bickering and annoyed again, so I really relate to @artsyfartsy:'s post as well. It's the bickering and nitpicking that get us - and somehow it evolves into a monster fight and I just don't know how to get out of this funk. I have heard repeatedly it's the first year - after that it will get a lot better for us and I just hope it's true! I miss him and us.
We do go out on regular date nights and that also helps us find our way back to each other. It's just staying in that good place that's hard. -
@SweetiePie: Your relationship sounds very similar to how ours was for that first year. It's just a really difficult transition for a lot of us. My husband has high-needs for attention and I am a control freak, so there was a huge learning curve at the beginning. We both had to do some major adjusting, but it worked itself out eventually and now things are great. It'll never be like before we had children (until maybe they move out), but it's working well. Hang in there and know as long as everyone gives a little here and there, thing'll work out. Be kind to each other! Parenthood isn't easy.
-
I am a pessimist and I always feel that there is room for improvement, so I would never vote anything a 9 or 10...it could be perfection and I would still see flaws in it.
I would give us a 7. We recently had a serious talk about attitudes and my husband and I both came out with things we can improve on. Part of our issues stem from the fact that parenting our 4 year old is still quite a challenge and I am not good at asking for the help I need...and my husband can't read my mind.
-
Thank you, everyone, for commenting in this thread!
It is nice to know people are going through similar things.
Ours is moment by moment. Last night I felt like 2, today a 6-8. We both have a lot going on and no help at all, in any capacity, and sometimes I feel like we are just winging it- parenting, life in general... I think things are getting better as LO gets older. It was SUCH a huge adjustment... DH has terrible moods from being sore and tired and we are working on ways to deal with it so that his attitude doesn't cause ME to end up in a bad mood... It is all a work in progress! Like many posters have said, it seems to be a matter of communicating. "I'm in a terrible mood, it isn't you, just give me some space in the kitchen, I'll be less crabby after I eat..." vs. icy cold and angry glare in silence (DH!) We are working on it. I think grouchiness etc. is somewhat inevitable with stress and sleep deprivation, and more bearable if we can be honest and upfront!
-
I put 8... I mean, on hard days it probably plummets to like 6-7, and when we get to talk, snuggle, or go out alone the it shoots up to 9-10. It's def not been easy after DD was born!
-
We are at a 9. DD will be 3 next month and sleeps fine. She also goes to preschool 5 days a week and is so much fun to chat too these days. DH is coming to the end of the semester so things are always less stressful workwise in that regard and I am 22 weeks pregnant so in the golden phase of pregnancy.
I think what we find quite difficult is the fact that we do not have any family or anyone locally who can help so a date means paying a babysitter 100 dollars each time and with double daycare/preschool to the tune of 5K that just isn't feasible so we are probably looking at tough times ahead!
-
@Greentea: the first 18 months were really hard on us and it got to a dark place around Xmas/NYE! I've been on medication for PPD (since 4 months PP) and had to continually up the dosage because I would still get really angry at DH for stupid reasons.
We would always have talks about what was going on but I think what really helped it click for him was talking about our different love languages. I'm physical touch/words of affirmation and he is acts of service/gifts. So totally different and he was trying to do things or buy things for me or the baby when really I just needed him to help holding or caring for the baby and showing me some affection.
This year has been above and beyond better than the last year but we still have lots to work in our marriage. Going on dates and having various days of alone time (one person watches LO while the other goes out to do whatever they want), has really helped too!
Good luck and keeping talking about it and working on it!
-
After having IF for the past 3 years and now that I'm pregnant with twins, I think our marriage is pretty good. We've wanted to start a family for a long time and I'm happy about being pregnant. DH has been pretty helpful around the house and picking up my slack since I've been nauseous. While dealing with IF in the past, there were highs and definitely lows. We even saw a marriage counselor about 2 years ago and resolved a lot of things because of it.
I don't know what's going to happen when the babies are here. Hoping the sleep deprivation doesn't make our marriage suffer too bad.
-
I voted 6, but just because we DTD last night- otherwise it's been about a 5. Losing our son last year, and my brother in law this year has been so hard. I told him on vacation last month I wanted him to move out. I don't really, but I've also been upset with him about some financial stuff. The only time I feel really great about our marriage is when we are parenting DD- he's an amazing father and it makes me realize how lucky I am to have him. But so many deaths, and a high risk pregnancy, with money issues- it's tough.
-
@LulaBee: I am really sorry for your hard times, that sounds truly terrible
-
I'd say 8, only because I'm pregnant now and he's having to pull a lot of my weight, which is rightfully tiring and leaves less time for us. Having our daughter really tested us, because I needed a lot more from him than I'd needed before, and there was just so much less time for us and for each of us individually. Thankfully, my husband is awesome, and totally stepped up - once we figured out what needed to be done. I've tried to grow and be my best self too.
There were and still are hard times for sure, but overall our marriage is super solid, and really happy. I feel really lucky. Having our daughter really took our relationship to the next level - I would say we were not really us until we were a family. It's for sure who we were meant to be.
-
The past year has been really rough...an international move, issues with DH's work/school, financial strains, and lots of uncertainty about the short term future. We have no help, haven't taken any sort of vacation in over a year and are both just really burned out. But I think we are in a good place in that we both see that this is just a hard phase that we need to ride out. I guess I'm an optimist.
-
@LulaBee: Big huge hug to you, that sounds like a really tough year. I hope the light at the end of the tunnel is bright and shiny.
-
A 9-10, finally, after a few hard years and 2 bad rounds of PPD for me, where I would have rated us anywhere from 1-5. The first year after each daughter was born, was especially rough. We're now connecting, sleeping (SO hard to be in a good place when sleep-deprived), taking time for just us, enjoying our girls, we feel like a solid team and are on each other's side, communicating well. I am very happy right now
-
@erinpye: This is so good to hear! (For your sake and for mine
)
-
Probably a 6, which I don't feel is a bad number.. Just the normal adjusting to life with a newborn and not having much 1:1 time but when we do see each other we're happy.
-
@Baby Boy Mom: Good for you. I think sometimes that is the glory of marriage, even with the tough times... getting through it together! A mate through life's rocky trails. Boy, have we had some hard times!
-
@erinpye: Phew! These early years are rough, and so far we only have one!!!!!! Good to hear things are in a good place.
-
Today I would say a 7-8. Most days, lately, it's been more like a 6. Having two kids (one who still wakes 3x/night) has been really hard for us to manage as a couple. We both have pretty stressful jobs and it's been hard to figure out how to make time for each other when it feels like the kids always need so much. I know we need to make our marriage more of a priority but sometimes (more often than not) I just don't have the energy!
-
@bushelandapeck: I know, right? There is only so much to go around... if only I could invent liquid sleep so we didn't have to....
-
I would probably vote 7, which I think is a nice normal number. But honestly having kids has nothing to do with how I feel with my marriage. Even in the newborn sleep deprived days, they didn't make a difference in how I felt. I think my struggle will always be that I was single for a long time, living by myself, with no one to "answer" to but myself. For me, just having a husband is hard. I love him, but I often miss being single. I've never been one to feel like my husband has contributed so much to my life. He gave me my kids for which I am forever thankful (the kids are the easy part). But I was at exactly the same place I am now before him - same job, in a condo instead of a house, etc. We've been together five years and will celebrate our 4 year anniversary this year. Maybe that feeling will fade over time. The other day we were watching something where the person commented on how hard marriage is. I agreed. My husband said he thought it was really easy. Just two different ways to think about a relationship!
-
I voted an 8. We're in a good spot right now. I'm on maternity leave about to pop out #2. It's been great to have extra time with him alone while DD is at daycare and he works from home. However, I feel like we're about to plunge off a cliff any day now when LO2 arrives. I hope it isn't as bad as newborn days with LO1.
-
I voted 10. We're in a great place right now. I nervous about how having a baby is going to change our relationship.
-
@Mamasig: I relate to a lot of what you are saying, and for me- having a husband is infinitely harder than having kids. I nannied in college and the mother felt the same way. I am also very independent and lived alone for a long time.
-
@Greentea: glad I am not the only one. I never thought of myself as the wife or mother type. I really thought I would be single forever. And yes, to me having a husband is infinitely harder than kids.
-
@Greentea: @Mamasig: my mom and dad have been together for 41 years, married 31 years (and they're only 57 and 61, so they've been together since they were super young) - and my mom is the same. Very independent, finds it hard to answer to someone. I know for sure she would say having three young kids was easier than maintaining a good relationship with my dad. And my dad is a wonderful guy, and my parents seem to have (from my intimate but still outside their twosome perspective) a rock-solid, loving relationship. I think two people can be great life mates and partners without feeling all swoony in love all the time, often, or even ever.
Sorry for the tangent, but I think how you both feel about your marriages is much more common than people are willing to discuss.
AFM, I rated us a 7. We have a 4 month old and a 26 month old, and I am someone who absolutely does suffer from a lack of sleep and general absence of "me time," so our kids (dearly though we love them) definitely negatively impact our relationship right now. Intimacy is, um, scarce right now. We bicker about stupid stuff. Things could be better.
On the other hand, he is a great dad and a loving partner. If these really are the hardest years, I'm very optimistic about our relationship, because things still feel generally good. I love him very much and can't imagine my life without him, even if I occasionally need him to get out of my sight
-
Maybe part of it is one's perception of what a 10 should be. I don't want or need crazy passion and drama and that isn't my idea of a 10. A perfect relationship for me is one in which we enjoy and love and respect each other and we are communicating our needs and wants and getting them filled. So maybe we're a 9 because I don't need exciting dates and flowers and romance to feel like our relationship is solid.
-
I love how honest this thread is. I think we're at a 7-8. The stress of TTC definitely has been tough, but the hardest part has been wondering if she's 100% on board with it. I know she wouldn't have agreed to start trying if she didn't want a kid, but she's worried about money, time, etc and that makes me worry that we aren't on the same page. In the last couple of weeks, I think she has worked most of those worries out in her head. Suddenly I get the feeling we're in this together (more than before) and so we're good right now. So now I just need to get pregnant and we'll be golden! Until the kid comes along, then we'll see how hard that is. I'm not too worried, although I could be deluding myself. I just feel like I'm a baby person and I can do it, even the hard parts. She's pretty scared of the baby stage. Maybe she's more realistic!
-
7. Our first child is one week old, and sometimes we both just look at her in awe that we made her. Pregnancy was rough, and now that she is here, we are definitely closer. There are things we both could work on, and for me a lot of it has been my short fuse. I need to be more patient for sure. Intimacy is more important to DH than me, and with my hyperemesis we only DTD once at 18 weeks. That is something I definitely want to work on.
-
I'd say we're anywhere between a 5-8 on any given day. We had some old issues from when we were dating/engaged that have faded and it's a huge relief. At the same time, new issues are cropping up in terms of the amount of time we make for each other, "me time" for both of us, and division of duties with our son and in the house. I guess the difference is, we are mature enough now to talk through these issues rather than them turning into a massive drama filled fight every time. Sex is an issue at the moment - I was sick, then he was sick, then I was sick again so neither of us (well, at least not I) have felt like it in about 3 weeks, which is long for us, and it has an impact on how we relate to each other. I'm hoping that I rally soon and we can have some alone time. Generally I would say we are "good" - not bad but probably not great.
-
@Greentea: Thanks. I hope so…some days it is just pure survival mode, and it's hard to feel like we're in it together when we are almost living in a parallel universe, but I try to focus on all the things we have to be grateful for.
-
Maybe a 3-4. But I'd say my life is a 10. And that's all that matters to me.
-
i'm going to say 6-7. about 8 months ago, it was a 4-5, so that's improvement. i would have said we were a 9-10 through pregnancy and infancy. we were really in sync and then money troubles and not having time for each other, and the real life day to day of parenting, instead of just keeping the baby alive hit us hard. we talked about a lot of stuff, DH got his dream job and even though it's not in our dream location and i feel dissatisfied with life a little, we're in a much better place in our marriage because we're communicating.
-
I voted 8, if you ask me a year ago I would've voted a 1 so there has been a major improvement.
He just got back from a 14 month deployment, but has to have shoulder surgery and is stationed 2.5 hours away and only home in the weekends.
Kids definitely put a strain on our marriage, both our step children and bio children. We're working through it though.
-
@travellingbee: This. My husband and I have never been like that (intense passion etc) it's just not our style and I don't believe people are "soul mates." Rather, we compliment each other and he is, genuinely, a wonderful person. We communicate very well and the other person's feelings mean more than our own pride.
-
@lulabee:
-
@birdofafeather: I found that to be an adjustment- at first it was survival, with the baby... but then it doesn't stop... and I remember hoping at a year old things would magically get better. I remember my OB saying that "it is a marathon," in regard to labor, and now we joke that she meant the rest of our lives! I am glad about your DH's job. Hopefully the unideal location is just a temporary. We don't live in our ideal spot either, I feel like life is about weighing which sacrifice I can handle!
@Baby Boy Mom: I could have written that myself!
-
I would say 6-7...and I don't anticipate that changing any time soon since we have another baby coming soon.
I'm a terrible pregnant person--still nauseous every day, still not "myself" and this has been going on for the past 6 months now. So I have way less patience in general and am just less happy in general (hard to be happy when you feel miserable every day), and DH has to do way more at home on top of his stressful job.
I think what's great about our relationship is that we don't really fight (who has the energy?) and I think we both see this as just a rough season in our lives. Our relationship is just kind of on the backburner right now, which is fine by me--I don't have the energy for much else.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
86 comments