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No advice but I'm sorry that you're in such a sucky situation.

@Cherrybee: I'm so sorry. I would feel exactly the same as you. Smoking is nonnegotiable for me too and it would kill me if I found my husband smoking. I think you did the right thing for now and I hope he is able to quit again once you all get to the root of why he started again.

I don't have any advice that the other ladies didn't already supply, but just wanted to say hugs! That is a really tough situation. I would definitely talk to him and see if there are any underlying stressors.

Yes, agree with @looch:

My husband has been saying he's going to quit forever. And did 100% for a year, but will lapse into smoking a pack one month, then stop for a few months. But he will do it when he's really stressed, and the only thing that gets him off the path is to start working out. If he can get into sports or a gym routine he will stop.

I feel your pain though. I HATE IT and it really upsets me when he starts again. I tell him I don't want him to die a horrible death due to cancer and leave me and the boys behind but it doesn't sink in. His sister smokes so it's tough because every time he quits and we see them ( pretty often) she offers him a cig and to sit outside with her. Which I can see the appeal, leave the loud kids and get a minute of relaxing. It's so hard. Ugh!!!!

No personal experience with this, but I have two dear friends who have had the exact same promise broken with their husbands--one is at her wit's end, one kind of threw in the towel. You sound like a very sweet and supportive spouse, and it's hard how being the cool/nice wife can sometimes give you a situation where you're not being taken seriously. This is my big frustration in my marriage--sometimes I wonder if I was a fire-breathing biatch if I would get what I need but as another poster said, this is of course mostly about addiction, and it's a beast. Hugs to you. I hope something snaps him out of it for good.

@Cherrybee: I'm sorry and I understand your frustration and stance. My DH chewed tobacco prior to our marriage. It's a dealbreaker for me. He'll occasionally joke about starting but so far he knows to only joke and not follow through.

I hope your DH gets the support he needs to quit.

@Cherrybee: oh honey, I am sorry this is happening. First of all I understand you feel betrayed and hurt over him doing something that clearly has greatly affected your life and means a lot to you. However, I don't think his smoking is personal to you. Is he very stressed? (Just read responses, sounds like he might be!) He'll have to find another coping mechanism and relief for stress...

One thing to help addicts in terms of the alienation and shame they feel (and then the resulting "screw it" defeatist attitude), is to make it "our" problem. I know that sucks, because you want to be like this is YOUR problem, but when you get collaborative and make it OUR problem you are likely to get more buy in from the addict.

So you honestly express how his addiction makes you feel (a written letter or bullet pointed list is often helpful for this because it makes it less emotionally explosive than speaking and gives the addict a tangible thing to look at and re-read later), then give all the reasons not to smoke (written is good for this too!) like no arthritis in the feet, being there for your kids, keeping up with them when they are older, watching them grow up, not making your kids go through the horrific process of watching their daddy die a terrible death. And then after this you tell him his smoking is a family problem, we're all in this together, so how can WE as a family fix it? What are the stressors we can mitigate, what are some safeguards we can put in place to minimize triggers, what are some coping mechanisms we can implement, etc. Then close the conversation with lots of I love yous, I'm here for you, we're in this together, we're going to get through this, etc. and keep the encouraging words going as he continues being clean - I'm proud of you, lots of encouraging text messages, pics of E holding a sign that says "I love my daddy", etc. so he remembers WHY he's doing this and WHY its worth it.

@Cherrybee: I"m so sorry you are going through this. I think you are doing a nice thing by sending him a nice text. The last thing you want is for him to be smoking and lying about it. I think you absolutely have the right to tell him that he has to stop. But really, only he can make himself stop. What I would do is tell him that if he continues to smoke, he must abide by these rules: (1) change his clothes before he comes into the house because smokes clings to clothing, (2) shower immediately because smoke clings to hair; (3) no kissing you or the baby because unfortunately a smoker's mouth is disgusting, and (4) purchase extremely good disability insurance and whatever kind of insurance that will cover all the ailments he is putting himself at risk of because of his smoking. I think you can put forth all of that in a very loving, concerned wife, kind of way. One of those four things is likely to cause him to want to stop smoking. Best of luck, lady. This is such a tough thing.

@Cherrybee: I'm sorry. That has to be extremely hard considering what youve gone thru with your dad. Hope your feeling well though