Ever since I had DS, I feel like DH and I have lost touch with one another. It's like we're just existing side by side. I don't work, but DS is a pretty high maintenance baby. I'm exhausted by the time DHgets home from work. I'm chronically sleep deprived (yay 4 month sleep regression...ugh). We've just lost our spark or something. I'm just lost. Has anyone been through this and have any suggestions on how to get through it?
-
@boiledpnut: So sorry to hear!!
How does your DH feel about things?
-
With our second (my second his first) DH and I had a really hard time. THe fatigue, dealing with a crabby baby, just the complete change in dynamics in our house took a toll on us. IT got so much better once DD slept through the night and we were able to make a nightly routine and spend alone time each night once everyone was in bed. Sometimes even meeting up for lunch just the two of us in the middle of the day no baby helped too.
Good luck!
-
He's struggling too. We have acknowledged that something has to give, but neither of us really know where to start.
-
We had a fairly rough patch around 7 months. The best thing for us has been to communicate. We just ask each other how we're feeling A LOT. And we offer our feelings up A LOT. And we ask each other how we think the other is doing as a wife/husband. Also, having sex, even when we don't feel like it.
-
We definitely struggled for a while after I went back to work. What helped us was making an effort to connect - we started eating dinner at the table together and really talking instead of just zoning out with our laptops in front of the tv. We also talked about what both of us needed in terms of "me time" and make an effort to support one another having that time while still getting the things that need to be done around the house done.
-
Our whole first year was really rough, there were so many things that were going on.
First off, I would say, that the first three months doesn't really count. It's so full of adjustments. The thing that saved me was having some time for myself. My husband insisted that we get a nanny for a few hours a week. It made all the difference, plus it helped me understand that I don't have to do it all, and my son will be better off for it.
-
I'm so sorry to hear this!!
If it helps, we struggled for quite a while until we got through our exhaustion. The best thing we did was talk. I know it's exhausting sometimes after a long day just coming up with things to talk to your husband about (I'm pretty quiet at dinner after long days) but I think it's really important. If you feel like you have lost your spark, I think you need to tell him that! Just keep the lines of communication open and hopefully it will get better.
I found getting our sex life back on track helped us a lot, too. I was surprised that made such a difference. It took us 9 months to get it back though (full disclosure here...)
Do you have any family in the area? Do any trustworthy family members have plans to visit? Could you leave your lo for even an hour or an hour and a half so you could go out to lunch one day? My husband and I got out for lunch and grocery shopping, just the two of us, a few months ago and it was amazing how wonderful it felt to have "us" time again.
Hugs!
-
Honestly, the first 6 months were really really hard on my relationship. We've been together 11 years and married 4, and this has been the only time I have ever felt like our relationship was "work." And it's been a year, and I still feel like we're "off." They aren't lying when they say that any issues you have before having a baby will only be amplified after. The issues we had that were hardly issues, are really trying now.
And if we're really being honest, it's one of the big reasons we're second guessing having any more children. I'm not confident it wouldn't break us.
But at the moment, neither of us is miserable or anything, and we do have really good days every once in a while, it's just a whole lot more work now. I think we're both trying to recover from how thrown we were by having a child.
-
That's tough
It is really hard on a relationship when you are tired and looking after a baby. For us we struggled for the first few months as well. We argued more than we ever have and just didn't have time for each other. We sat down and just talked about what we wanted from each other and to make an effort to make the time. It does get better. I'm not sure if you are able to give LO for somebody else to look after, even just for a couple hours and go for a nice supper.
-
Oh, another thing that helped us was scheduling our evenings. It helps manage any expectations. Dinner at 6, start lo's bedtime at 7, from 8-9:30 we do whatever, and I start pumping by 9:30. The goal is to be in bed by 10.
-
Maybe check out the "Bringing baby home" book/seminar. We did it with our first and it was amazing. It has been shown to decrease divorce rates and we found the tools very useful.
-
yes we had times were we were just in survival mode. Date nights really help to relight the spark.
-
Here's a link to the materials. If you are lucky there will also be a workshop in your area!
-
Do you have someone that could babysit and y'all could go grab dinner? Even if it two hours. R is 7 weeks and we have already done this. We both think that it has helped us and regroup from our fussy pants sweetie.
-
I think you need to start by making some time together. Do you have family around. (I see that pp suggested this too.) I think it's really important! And it's also normal to go through a bit of a funk as long as you are still nice to eachother/care about eachother.
-
@boiledpnut: I'd be happy to babysit if you don't have family nearby. I think I remember you living about 30 min from me?
We are struggling too, for both similar and different reasons. I do think it's pretty common for couples to feel disconnected after having a baby... I'm pretty sure that statistically, marital satisfaction is lowest in the year after having a child. I hope that you guys can find a way to reconnect!
-
Find a way to get together for even an hour! Our first time out alone with the baby was to go to Target and buy diapers, but it was just the two of us! Even better if you can do something not related to baby. Even if all you can arrange is for a neighbor to watch LO while you guys go for a half hour walk once or twice a week, it will help!
-
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I think it's SUPER common, if that helps at all. I think a lot of people don't like to talk about it, but come on, how could you NOT be thrown by the arrival of a new baby?
We definitely experienced this and to some extent, still are, 11 months after the birth of our baby. It's just so hard to shift gears from thinking about your partner as a co-parent to remembering who they really are underneath the mom/dad label. We are only just now getting into the routine of date nights (both of our families are far away) and I seriously hope it helps!
-
Our LO isn't here yet, but there are still times when we feel like we need to work on our connection, instead of just existing side by side. Some things we do are:
-Eat dinner together, NOT in front of the tv (which is our norm)
-Sit in bed at the end of the day and talk about what our days were like (if we didn't already)
-Cuddle time before bed - I find it really helpful and connecting if we're just being affectionate for even 5 minutes a day
-Go out and do stuff together - for example yesterday we went to a town about 40 minutes away on the coast. It's has tons of great places to walk around. We take the dog and just wander around and hold hands, go into the dog friendly stores, and eat outside . There's always TONS of people there with strollers and little kids too, so I think it makes a good family activity as well. -
I think this is a pretty typical thing that relationships go through! Someone told me right when our son was born that the 1st year of parenting is no time to make permanent decisions about your relationship. Every is tired, adjusting, and spread thin.
I echo what everyone else said. When things get rough between my husband and I (and they still do from time to time at 7 months out) we have to make time for each other. Eat together without distractions, get into bed 10 minutes early so we can cuddle, go for a family walk, and definitely have sex even if it's the last thing I want to do!
Keep working at communicating and looking for small things to slack on. We were big on eating fresh, home cooked, healthy meals every night. We now eat freezer stuff at least 2x a week because it's easier on us. We'll get back to home-cooked someday, but for now it's something we let slide.
-
@78h2o: Aww that is so sweet. That is what makes HB so great.
-
@boiledpnut: very sorry to hear! I can definitely relate as we went through something similar just recently.
Everyone always talks about how happy they are when LO arrives, and that's true, you're on a high because you've just met your child, but no one warned me of the toll it would take on our relationship. I was not ready for that.
LO is 5 1/2 months old and we are just getting out of our funk. It got so bad that in December, 1 month after LO was born, I was seriously considering taking LO and moving back in with my mom for a bit until I found my own place. Our relationship was in serious trouble. I won't put everything here, but it was really hard.
We had a talk (several), made a few date nights, to get back into the swing of things. It helped. It's definitely hard and it takes time. Hang in there!
My mom told me, it takes twice the work to keep a relationship on track after the birth of a baby. She was not lying!
I hope you all get back on track as well. Just know it won't happen overnight.
best of luck!
-
Aw, I'm sorry, it's so hard when you're sleep deprived.
Can you nap at all during the day? I'm a terrible day napper, except when pregnant, but just laying down or relaxing for an hour while baby is sleeping might help.We had a decent transition and I think a couple things helped. Even though I stayed home DH made sure I had me time. When he came home I went out the door on a run or occasionally to the store sans LO. He also needed that time to understand LO and be in charge without me, it's easy to take over as the primary caretaker if you're around, so I made sure to get away. Even though that was time apart I think that helped to ensure that neither of us built resentment towards each other (I would have resented not having alone time and he would have resented not having time to parent without a backseat driver).
The other thing was when either of our parents visit or we visit them we happily use them as a babysitter and go off on our own for at least a couple hours. We still have plenty of time to visit with them. If someone offers to babysit we take them up on it, I didn't like leaving LO at first but I did feel comfortable with close friends for short periods and even going off for an hour with DH helps.
As for evenings, we try to eat together every night, not in front of the computer or tv and have at least a little time after LO goes to bed, it doesn't happen every night but most nights we at least get some time together. And we are very open about what is/isn't working for us, if there's something I can do better I try and he's been really responsive too when I'm feeling out of sorts.
Good luck.
-
I remember reading one time that having children is a top stressor in marriages, so I don't know is that makes you feel better, but you are not alone! No advice for you, but just wanted to say that I'm sorry this is a struggle right now. You have some really good advice here, and I hope some of it can help!
-
@boiledpnut: I know it's been awhile, but I just came across your thread. I'm sorry you were having such a rough time. How are things for you guys now?
It is really hard on a relationship when you are tired and looking after a baby. 
best of luck!
Reply
Subscribe to our newsletter
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite2
25 comments