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I just need to vent about my BILs...ugh!

  1. wheres_c

    pomelo / 5789 posts

    My BIL didn't make it to our wedding because he "started his first professional job". I was PISSED!! Two weeks later he quit the job. I will always remember that he didnt make it!

  2. LBee

    pomegranate / 3895 posts

    I think it's fine to be up in the air about it. I would handle differently, but it isn't my family. Not buying the suit would sort of piss me off because it insinuates that your husband really has no intention of participating.

  3. misolee

    persimmon / 1345 posts

    I don't know how close you are, but would you want BIL and family to be active in new baby's life? I have a feeling if DH doesn't go, a case of resentment can come over you and new baby instead (at least until he starts having kids).

  4. Greentea

    pomelo / 5678 posts

    Is this your first baby?

    Can DH plan to attend just the wedding itself, smile for a pic, and then come home?

    Are you feeling you need help with the baby, therefore can you find a family member to be with you that day while DH runs to the wedding? (Or a friend?)

    I would plan to have at least DH be there.

  5. Alivoo01

    wonderful olive / 19353 posts

    I agree that your DH should at least go attend, even if he can't be in it so he can return to you faster. Or maybe you can go with him, but stay home/at the hotel while he attends the wedding?

  6. snowjewelz

    wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

    I think getting that suit probably just have to be the sunk cost since it's family. If this was us I'd just say DH would go, business as usual, unless you haven't had the baby yet. Then it's a matter of he might miss the birth and therefore need to stay home.

    I'd totally be torn too; having a baby really trumps a lot of things, but at the same time we really value family too.

    I guess if you haven't had kids, or just have different parenting philosophies, it's hard to "get it" and be understanding.

    Personally, I barely remember who came to my wedding and who didn't, and I know that everyone has a life and I don't hold if against anyone to not come. My SIL at the time had a barely 1 month old and they came... But I totally didn't expect them to! I didn't even expect my friends with a 5 mo old to be there.

  7. Lilbear

    apricot / 450 posts

    Would it be possible for you to travel with your husband so that he could attend and still not miss out on the new baby bonding time? We did this when my DD was 2.5 weeks old, and brought my parents as babysitters. My DH was in the wedding party for a friend and the wedding was 2 hours away. Granted it's a different scenario and not as far of a distance, but I think your DH should try to attend.

    One of my sisters missed my wedding after RSVPing yes. It isn't something I dwell on, but it did sting, and I'm not sure we will ever be close again in the future. (There are other issues outside of her absence at my wedding - that was just the icing on the cake.)

  8. Ree723

    grapefruit / 4819 posts

    I will just chime in here again OP to say that weddings aren't the be all and end all. A new baby far surpasses a wedding on the scale of importance in my book. Does your BIL even really want your DH there knowing he'd likely be resentful of having to be there and totally disengaged from the whole process? To all those who say they would be really hurt/angry, or carry a grudge if their sibling didn't attend their wedding, would that really be the case if it was the situation the OP's DH is in? Would you really not understand that the arrival of a new baby can't be changed and that sometimes other life events are more important than your wedding?! It just seems so self-centred and selfish to me... In the OP's situation, if it meant that much to BIL that his brother attend, he should have looked into trying to change the date given that the brother said from the start that he was unlikely to be able to attend. I know it's not easy to change wedding dates but considering you can't change due dates, if it was so almighty important to him, that's what he should have done.

  9. Mrs.KMM

    grapefruit / 4355 posts

    @Ree723: Yes – I still would. Largely because I have a child and I know that it would not be a big deal for DH to be gone for a day or two to attend a wedding at that point. So if a sibling was not willing to do the same for one of my most important days, I would definitely still be hurt and upset.

    It is not that easy to just change your wedding date. Contracts have been signed, vendors are blocked up, etc.

  10. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    I think it's one thing to say "Hey, just a heads up, my wife is due around your wedding date, so I might not be able to make it!" and another thing to actively make plans NOT to be there. The fact that the OP's husband is reluctant to even buy a suit strongly suggests he has no intention of going to his brother's wedding, regardless of what happens with the baby. That's hurtful to his brother.

    It's one thing if you hope you can make it to a wedding and plan on attending and then last minute can't because your baby is being born. It's another thing entirely to be indifferent about it and just not plan to attend regardless. One is understandable - the other is not.

  11. Charm54

    cantaloupe / 6885 posts

    @Adira: yeah I agree - saying you aren't going to buy the suit is pretty much saying you won't be there which is hurtful and potentially detrimental long term to an otherwise positive relationship.

    I was a BM at 38.5 weeks 3 hours away, and the MOH had a 2 week old. Neither of us could really fully commit until closer to the wedding, but we let her know that unless we were physically in labor or mere days post partum we would do everything we could to be there. We bought our dresses, planned her shower/bachelorette etc, ...the bride was super understanding and she would have been okay had one of us had to miss it , because she knew how badly we wanted to be there for her big day and we would do everything we could to make it happen.

  12. Ree723

    grapefruit / 4819 posts

    @Mrs.KMM: I think this is their first baby so they don't have the benefit of previous experience etc. I know you couldn't have peeled DH away during the first couple of weeks after our first was born. I guess it all just comes down to how much importance you place upon a wedding. I think they're nice and all but the actual marriage is far more important, therefore being present for a one day party isn't nearly as significant as being a supportive person throughout the marriage.

    @Adira: I think the OP's objection was to spending all the money on a suit that might not be worn. I think having another suit ready to wear in case he can attend is more than sufficient but buying a groomsman's suit is a fairly big expense...

  13. Smurfette

    GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

    @Ree723: Given the OP situation, if I was the BIL, without a doubt I would be upset. They must be close if he is asked to be a groomsman. If the baby is 2-3 weeks I see no reason why he can't make the drive to be there for his brother. Yes a baby is a big deal but so is a wedding. I don't see a baby trumps the wedding, especially since he isn't the one giving birth. Even if the OP has a c-section she has options for help for the weekend.

  14. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @Ree723: Honestly, if the cost of the suit was an issue, he probably shouldn't have agreed to be a groomsmen in the first place. And unless it's a Tux, why couldn't he wear the suit to other occasions, even if he ends up having to miss the wedding? Suits are pretty universal.

  15. Mrs. Champagne

    coconut / 8474 posts

    If my bil couldn't come because he had a brand new baby I wouldn't be mad at all. Seems odd to be mad.

    If your DH can go without you, that would be nice since your bil seems to want him there a lot.

    There is no physical way I could have gone. I couldn't walk for weeks. Given that, if my DH had been planning to go to a wedding (even with my mom around to help) I think he would have backed out. I'm not the norm though, we went to a friends wedding and one couple had a two week old and were dancing lol.

  16. misolee

    persimmon / 1345 posts

    @Ree722 I think weddings are overblown too and I eye roll at people who place that big of an importance on their big day. But with that being said, a family members wedding is very important and I would want my husband to celebrate with his brother. I do not believe a baby trumps a wedding. Both are equally important and usually one is before the other

    OP stated that she can have help if need be and unless she's giving birth on wedding day, husband should go. My hubby had planned to stay home from work for 2 weeks after baby was born. After a couple of days, I made him go back to work. Baby was sleeping and eating all day. He couldn't really help with the eating part and she would have slept regardless of dad being there or not.

  17. Mrs.KMM

    grapefruit / 4355 posts

    We were actively TTC for our first baby when my SIL was planning her wedding. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I happily accepted. I told her unless I was actively in labor or mere days PP that I would absolutely be there. (The wedding was 6 hours away).

    We were not yet pregnant when it came time to buy the bridesmaids dresses but there was still a chance that I would be pregnant for her wedding date. I happily bought the dress without question and bought it multiple sizes too big in case I was 8.5 months pregnant and I needed to be able to fit in it.

    I ended up being a couple months PP for her wedding and had to pay as much as the dress originally cost to get it tailored back down to my actual size. So basically I paid for the bridesmaids dress twice! I was happy to do this because IMO, that is just what you do for family!

  18. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @LBee: @Adira: @Charm54: I agree with you ladies. The brother with the baby on the way probably should have declined being a groomsman from the beginning since that requires at least the rental or purchase of a suit or tux. It would be much better to be a maybe guest than maybe member of the bridal party. Even still giving the man grief over choosing baby over brother is uncalled for. The brothers are upset. Ok. Now they should focus on something/ someone they can control.

  19. winter_wonder

    persimmon / 1442 posts

    This is turning into a really interesting thread! It's interesting to see all the different opinions on traveling and participating/attending a wedding.

    @littlejoy: Thank you! Yes, the brother getting married is the one we actually get along with. It's complicated that it conflicts!

    @LCTBQE: Great idea about renting something! For some reason I hadn't thought about this. I will pass on to DH as a suggestion.

    @truth bombs: Yes, it is very important to BIL. I don't think DH will be any less bonded or anything but the closer we get to her being born I think the harder it is for DH to imagine being away from her if that makes sense?

    @mrs. lemon-lime @ree723: I definitely agree with your perspectives that weddings aren't the most important things in the world.

    @regberadaisy: My midwife will let me go 10 days beyond the due date. That would put me within 6 days of their wedding.

    @looch: Good idea about flying! Looking into flight options as we speak...

    @lbee: The suit is definitely complicating things! I guess I was thinking about it also from the perspective of how DH's potential replacement (the bride's cousin) would get his suit? DH is becoming more resistant to going the closer we get to my due date. I thought it might be better to give his brother more of a definitive "no" now so that the groomsman replacement could have time to purchase his suit? Maybe I'm overthinking things!

    @misoleee: I don't think any of DH's brothers will be very active in the baby's life. The one getting married doesn't come back to visit very often (2-3 times a year). We try to make one trip down a year to visit him. But he and DH do chat a lot via text. I think you're probably right about the resentment piece though....

    @greentea: Yes, our first (and very long awaited baby). I think a lot of DH's reluctance to go is based on how long we've been waiting for this baby (4 years of infertility...finally pregnant using a donor egg).

    I will have help though, my mom can come down for the weekend if DH wants to go.

    @alivoo01 @lilbear: If it were a bit closer, I would definitely consider this option. But, 5.5 hours in the car with a newborn seems really overwhelming to me!

  20. erinbaderin

    pomelo / 5464 posts

    @Ree723: Your new baby surpasses everything else to YOU. Nobody else is (or, in my opinion, should be) as excited about the baby as the parents, same as the wedding. For the brother, his wedding is probably more important to him than the arrival of a niece/nephew who, given the distance, probably won't be a regular presence in his life.

  21. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @winter_wonder: Just to clarify, are you saying that the latest you'd be induced is still 6 days BEFORE the wedding? So there's really no chance of you being in labor on/around the wedding day? If I'm understanding that correctly, it really seems like your husband could attend the wedding without any issues.

    BUT if he really doesn't want to miss a moment with his newborn, then he should just back out of the wedding now and recognize that his brother is going to be hurt and upset by that decision.

  22. youboots

    honeydew / 7622 posts

    Bottom line I thing commiting to be a groomsman then backing out on the suit he needs for the wedding is the current complicating matter. It's a bummer that the cousin can't be a groomsman regardless- I imagine he is frustrated also having to be a backup. Some people are really into having equal bridesmaids and groomsmen which I think is silly. I think the suit is pushing conversations forward that are causing issues. So your husband needs to make a decision on the suit.

    I had my first almost a year ago, if I had help, I easily could have managed after the first few days for 24 hours physically. Sure it would be harder emotionally but that time is such a blur.

    Whatever you choose, do it and move on. It's ultimately your call.

  23. pinkcupcake

    cantaloupe / 6751 posts

    @erinbaderin: " your new baby surpasses everything else to you." Exactly.

    @Smurfette: agree w everything you said.

    @Ree723: the selfish / self centered part goes both ways. Your baby is the most important thing to YOU. Their wedding is the most important thing to THEM.

  24. winter_wonder

    persimmon / 1442 posts

    @Adira: Yes. Baby will be here before the wedding. There is no chance I'll be in labor on their actual wedding date.

  25. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    @Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I don't think anyone is saying it's not okay to decline. But I don't think his brother should just have to accept it and not be upset either. Everyone's entitled to their feelings in this situation and likewise everyone is always entitled to do what's best. anything could happen. My DD was 2 weeks early so attending a wedding at a month old would have been beyond doable for DH and probably even me. That's why I say he should at least prepare to attend so if he can. If not, then okay you're out a few hundred bucks for a suit. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But at the end of the day OP, you need to just make the decision, have DH communicate it and have him deal with the fallout. It's his brother and he the groomsman, no need for you to get involved in the family drama.

  26. Ree723

    grapefruit / 4819 posts

    @erinbaderin: @pinkcupcake: Exactly - their new baby is the most important thing to them, as it should be, hence why they should make the decision that is best for them. They're not asking people to skip BIL's wedding to come visit the new baby, as that would be ridiculous. Just like it's a bit selfish to expect them to put their new baby as a lesser priority to attend an event that is only of paramount importance to the couple involved.

    Given the OP's recent explanation that this is a baby conceived after four years of infertility, I am even more strongly in the camp that the wedding is a secondary event that should be attended if possible, but not if it means doing something the father doesn't feel comfortable doing. I don't mean to be insensitive, but if this is potentially the only baby the couple will have, I most definitely think they shouldn't feel pressured for one of them to leave the baby in the early days. They should enjoy every second of their experience without pressure or guilt from others.

  27. catomd00

    grapefruit / 4418 posts

    @Ree723: really? A baby that took longer to conceive is more important and special than one that was conceived more easily?

  28. Ree723

    grapefruit / 4819 posts

    @catomd00: Not quite what I was saying but I can imagine how waiting four years for something would make one even more reluctant to miss any of those first moments. As I said in an earlier post, you couldn't have torn my DH away from our side during his two weeks of paternity leave with our first LO, and we were extremely lucky and conceived our first try. I can only imagine waiting four years would make those feelings of wanting to soak up every moment even stronger. Just my opinion from an outside perspective...

  29. Mrs. Lemon-Lime

    wonderful pea / 17279 posts

    @catomd00: I think a lot of people are saying it's not okay to decline and justifying it because the (1) dad isn't the one that gives birth, (2) the baby will be at least almost a week old, (3) the mom will have help from other people that aren't her husband and (4) he could do a very quick trip overnight trip. I'm not reading alot of just accepting the answer No, although I do agree a firm No from the beginning would have been better.

    His brother doesn't have to like the fact that he won't attend and he's made that known- both bros have, but what does blasting someone over & over do for a decision that they made?

  30. Torchwood

    pomelo / 5607 posts

    This wound up being an interesting thread. Another vote here for there being absolutely nothing wrong with him not going. BIL has every right to feel upset (there are no bad feelings!), but not to be a dick about it. No one would expect you to leave a newborn, why should your husband be expected to be fine with it?

  31. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    So I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this, but would your DH have to drive down alone? I would be nervous about him driving that far so soon after a new baby and all the sleep deprivation that goes with it.
    On the other hand, it is a pretty big deal to attend your siblings' weddings. My DH and his sister barely even speak and she and I definitely do not, yet we drove 2.5 hours each way to her wedding. It was never even a question. DH also attended his cousin's wedding a couple weeks after our first LO was born and stayed overnight with my mom staying with me to help. It was 3-3.5 hours away but he only had to drive about 1 hour of it so it was fine.
    Just my opinion, but I think he should try to attend if at all possible. But maybe only if he doesn't have to do the driving by himself.

  32. My Only Sunshine

    persimmon / 1129 posts

    @winter_wonder: The "replacement groomsman" thing is throwing a weird wrench into the situation and forcing a decision, which seems unfortunate (although probably nothing you can do about it, I would guess).

    One of my sister's best friends was put on bed rest at 30 weeks and couldn't be a bridesmaid, so my sister just had one less bridesmaid and the pastor said a sweet prayer for the bridesmaid and her baby. It was so not a big deal, except she had already bought her champagne colored maternity gown, which I'm guessing didn't get a lot of use on bed rest.

  33. Autumnmama79

    pear / 1703 posts

    I believe that both a wedding AND a birth are "once in a lifetime events" (granted many people get married more than once and many people have more than one child, but you get the point). However, I too, would be devastated if my sibling couldn't attend my wedding. I understand the excitement of a newborn baby and all the new parent feelings that go along, its easy to get into a tunnel vision about the whole thing. And rightfully so! Its a very big, important life event. And now perhaps DH has his back up a bit bc BIL is being so pushy, but thats because he wants your DH there so badly! Its really important to HIM that his brother is part of/at the wedding. It would be sad if he looked back one day and regretted not being there at his brothers side.

    Good luck in whatever you and hubs decide

  34. winter_wonder

    persimmon / 1442 posts

    @skipra: yes, he would have to do the driving on his own. it's scary to think about that with so little sleep.

    @my only sunshine: that sounds so sweet that she was given a blessing and it turned out to be no big deal.

    @autumnmama79: thank you!

  35. Foodnerd81

    wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

    Reading all the responses is interesting for sure. I think the brother has a right to be upset- I would have been really sad if one of my sisters couldn't attend our wedding. But if they made that decision, or said it was a maybe, then I would be sad but accept it.

    However if it was me and DH, he would go alone and I would have someone come help me. The hours with his family at the wedding would be more important than the hours he missed at home with us. But that's just us.

    If you have the baby early would he go then? Could he just say I cannot commit to being a groomsman, but will try my hardest to come as a guest?

  36. PawPrints

    pomegranate / 3658 posts

    I haven't read all the responses, but yikes, what an awful situation. I would have been crushed if either of our siblings had been unable to attend our wedding. But on the other hand, I would have been debilitated if DH had left me to drive 5.5 hours away when our baby was only a week or two old. I physically could not have cared for her all by myself that early on. I could barely walk to the kitchen to feed myself without DH's help. This would be an absolute impossibility as far as I'm concerned, unfortunately.

    [ETA] Just read that your mom could stay with you for the weekend if DH goes to the wedding. In that case, I think you at least could leave open the possibility of DH attending. So he should probably go ahead and purchase the suit with the assumption he'll try to go if at all possible, but BIL and the bride should emotionally prepare themselves for the possibility that he won't be able to go. And definitely they need to get over the necessity of symmetrical bridesmaids/groomsmen. That does not matter AT ALL.

  37. Raindrop

    grapefruit / 4731 posts

    First off I want to say I’m so glad I’m not the only one with BIL problems!

    With that I think you should do what’s right for *your* family.

    I also agree that DH probably knows his brothers best so he should make this choice (of course discussing with you also) on how to communicate and go forward with this situation.

    My DH is also one of 3 brothers and we actually delayed our wedding so that his middle brother could make it and a month before he said he couldn’t make it anymore. To be honest I was a little ticked off at the time but I understood he had work demands he couldn’t control. It’s been over 5 years since then and I totally forgot about it till this moment.

    I guess I’m saying whatever happens… in a few years hopefully no one will remember and hopefully no one will hold grudges.

  38. LauraBear

    cherry / 215 posts

    I had this exact same experience!! DH has three brothers, though, but the youngest is only 17 so doesn't totally count for the drama that happened.

    But our first baby (and first baby on that side of the family) was due two weeks before DH's brother's wedding date - baby news came one month before engagement. Wedding was going to be on an island 5 hours away. We went through all the drama of telling them our timeline of when the baby would have to come in order for us to be able to go and all of that... and then BIL canceled the wedding one month before the wedding and two weeks before our due date!! Turns out their relationship had been rocky for a while and the wedding planning did it in.

    Not sure if this is your situation at all but definitely made me see their wedding planning in a different light - no wonder they "accidentally" planned it so close to our baby's due date - they had serious issues and shouldn't have been getting married as it turned out.

    This all happened this past August. Then, I wouldn't have even considered having DH go but now I think it would have been fine. With breastfeeding, I was doing most of the work for the baby anyways and my mom was staying with us. No way would I have gone though.

  39. winter_wonder

    persimmon / 1442 posts

    @Foodnerd81: originally he said that is the baby came 1 or 2 weeks before her due date he would go and be in the wedding. But, he seems a lot more hesitant now that we're getting closer to March. I honestly don't know what he'll decide at this point.

    @raindrop: I thought it would be drama free since he has no sisters, but good grief! His middle brother loves to jump in and stir the pot, hence the comment yesterday that didn't even involve him (the one not getting married):silly:

    @laurabear: holy crap! So many similarities! How did the family react when you told them about your timeline early on?

  40. LauraBear

    cherry / 215 posts

    @winter_wonder: well, DH said that he would try to go and ordered the suit and everything. But he waited until the last second to pay for the suit and so as soon as we heard that they were having major issues, DH asked for a refund on the suit and got it. Thank goodness - it was a $650 suit.

    The most annoying thing was that my MIL assumed we would all go to the wedding! She even bought a three month old tuxedo onesie for the baby... it was laughable how huge it was. Everyone in the family thought we were overreacting but there was no way I was going to bring my newborn (and my just-gave-birth self) to a remote island only reachable by ferry. Thankfully, the younger BIL was supportive of us but that was mostly because he didn't like the other BIL's fiance So much drama!

    I was surprised DH was willing to even commit that to going to the wedding by ordering the suit since he didn't like BIL's fiancé either, but he's pretty close to his family so it was important to him.

    Anyways, other people might have other experiences, but being a FTM, I thought I would want DH around and DH thought he would be really useful but he wasn't really. And he's super supportive and great and the kind of husband that supports/parents our baby while I'm getting my MBA while working full-time... but the first month it was basically just me and the baby. And I was surprised by that. If that helps at all!

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