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I just need to vent about my BILs...ugh!

  1. JCCovi

    kiwi / 703 posts

    For us, we would all go in this scenario unless we were still in the hospital. DH wouldn't participate in many groomsman activities outside the actual wedding though.

  2. ShootingStar

    coconut / 8472 posts

    It's fascinating to me that so many people would be happy to be left alone with a 1-2 week old! We were fighting with a baby that wouldn't sleep except when held, I was recovering from a c-section, and my milk was late and had BFing issues.

    I needed DH to help me mostly in the middle of the night. He would get the baby and change him and then bring him to me to feed and then swaddle him when I was done. Even if my mom was there visiting, she wouldn't have been changing diapers for me at 2am.

    Personally, I'm not that close to my brother and I don't think a sibling's wedding trumps having a 2 week old. If the DH in question doesn't want to go, then that's his right. I kind of hate the whole entitlement that seems to go along with wedding planning.

    I wouldn't want DH driving that far, I wouldn't want to spend money on airfare if we didn't need to (maternity leave and daycare is expensive!) and I honestly wouldn't want to be left alone with a newborn at 2 weeks over night if I didn't have to be.

  3. LovelyPlum

    eggplant / 11408 posts

    My wedding was important to me not because it was a party but because it was the start of my marriage. I wanted my family and close friends to witness to that. I would have been very hurt if one of my siblings could not attend. DH's brother actually wasn't at our wedding, because he was serving overseas in rural Africa in the Peace Corps. DH understood, but both were very upset. BIL still did a lot to be part of the day, though: he recorded and sent a toast that we played at the wedding, and he arranged for other special touches throughout the day via my MIL. Still, everyone would have preferred that he were there. DH was very sad that he wasn't, as was BIL.

    To me, it is telling that your DH doesn't seem to want to go to the wedding. The thought crossed my mind that maybe the question needs to be asked if the brothers are as close as they think they are. Babies and weddings are both important, both for your little family of (almost) 3, and for your more extended family. And to me, the two events aren't really in conflict. If he doesn't seem inclined to make being there for his brother some sort of priority, well then, I think that speaks for itself.

  4. Mommy Finger

    pomegranate / 3233 posts

    @LovelyPlum: I think your last paragraph hit the nail on the head.

  5. pinkcupcake

    cantaloupe / 6751 posts

    @LovelyPlum: your last paragraph - couldn't agree more. And can I just say I teared up at how your BIL recorded a toast to be played at your wedding. I'm very close to my brothers and honestly, being there for their big day (and vice versa) is an upmost priority...but again, maybe it's because of the closeness of our relationship.

  6. jedeve

    pomegranate / 3643 posts

    I see this from both sides.

    I needed my DH a lot the first week. I was sore from birth, and he had to rock the baby because I couldn't. He drove me to appointments. He stayed up late holding the baby so I could sleep. Those first few days are sacred and hard. And ones you have looked forward to. They are not basking in newborn glory, they are a lot of work. And you need someone to help you with them.

    On the other hand, life is long and there are many important things your DH will be around for. I don't remember day six of having a newborn. I do remember smiles and first steps and birthdays. Your BIL doesn't know what it's like to have kids, and that's okay. Maybe he will get it later, maybe not. He is starting his married life and that is a big deal. It's impossible to decide which is more important. I think the best thing you can do is recognize they are both important, and regardless of what you decide, make your BIL feel loved. Ultimately whatever you two do will be you and DH's decision. So digging in and getting upset at his reaction isn't going to help much. Just stand by your decision, and let him know it's okay to be upset, but that you really care about him. Maybe your DH can decline the groomsman invitation, but promise he will try to be there, letting your BIL know that if there are complications, he might not be able to. Even if your BIL can't see your perspective, hurt feelings take a long time to mend and I think doing as much as you can to prevent them/soothe then will help you in the long run.

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