Our ds (28 months) is such a mean little boy. And what concerns me is how mean he is to our 9 month old dd. He pushes her over, throws things at her, hits her in the head etc, and I'm at a loss of how to correct/discipline this behavior. Nothing we do is working and I'm getting really frustrated with him. Anyone have any tips to help get him to stop being so feisty to his sister?
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@Ash: So this isn't quite the same, but we had to work a lot with DS on how he treated our dog. I think for the most part he just didn't understand the impact of hitting or pushing her. We constantly encouraged "gentle hands" and showed him how to be nice, and we praised that behavior whenever we saw him initiating it.
When he was intentionally physical with her in a negative way we gave him an automatic time out. After the time out we gave him a hug and talked about how we have to use gentle hands with each other and the dog and we had the dog come over so he could practice petting her nicely.
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@Ash: can you share what you have already tried? Is it directed solely at his sibling? When did this behavior start?
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Our son had/has violence issues. My favorite books are Rising Cain and Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. We tried basically every other approach before stumbling into positive parenting when nothing else worked. At 3.5 I think it is getting better. Hoping it will work itself out by 4. FYI, in spite of its title, Raising Cain isn't a religious book, it is written by two psychologists.
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@Happygal: well, he's acted jealous since bringing her home (they're 18m apart). At one of her early well child check ups, I recall telling the doctor about him throwing his toys at her. So it's been going on for a while but it's gotten worse now that she's mobile and on the floor more often. There are times he even says "uh oh baby" before he pushes her (or hits her). And then he says "time out" and walks right over to his corner. Time out isn't the answer. Telling him hands are not for hitting hasn't helped. He's just so full of energy.
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@Mrs. Sketchbook: he definitely is emotionally intelligent. I'll look at those books - though not sure when if find time to read them.
@ShootingStar: did that work for D?? Because this kid just has so much energy that he doesn't care what the punishment is.
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@Ash: Have you tried to wear him out? Is he just not getting enough physical activity and sensory stimulation? Things like playing in the water in the sink can even be a great way for them to "experiment" and push their brains.
I guess I would try to look at tackling from both ends. The root of the problem (energy/jealousy/bored) and the on the surface issue (no hitting/gentle hands/positive and negative reinforcement)
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@Ash: Yeah he doesn't like feeling like he's separated from us (in reality he's like 10 feet away, lol). I guess if punishment doesn't work, then just keep trying to enforce the positive behavior.
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I'd give him more direction on how to interact with baby and more responsibility for her. Ask him to bring toys over to her, to try and put on her bib or socks, to take his toy over and show her how he plays with them. I had my Los do crawling races. The baby has no clue what's going on and just thinks it's funny and the older one feels pretty special they won. You can say stuff like 'wow you were so much faster, you have so much to teach her'.
For hitting I always found catching their hand in the air works best, so physically stop the act and look him in the eyes and say no hitting, we help protect and teach baby not hurt her.' Then sit down with him and ask him why he's hitting her. This is something I'd talk to him regularly about till it gets better, not just when it happens, and remind him regularly that hitting isn't fixing the problem.
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I think @T.H.O.U. gave a nice description of the "two ends" of the problem.
Our LO1 sometimes get too physical with LO2 (and sometimes with other children at school). In his case, it seems to be that he likes physical contact and gets too excited to monitor himself well. One thing they've been working on with him at school is to speak before making contact. Saying "hi, ___" rather than laying on a child
to show affection; or asking "Are you ok?" rather than giving an unsolicited hug when someone is crying. (I think a general strategy they have is to give children specific phrases they can use in various circumstances.) Maybe you could come up with some specific phrases for your son to try using in circumstances where he might typically do something physically inappropriate?At home with LO2, when LO1 is in an overly physical mood, we (1) go outside if we can or do some other physical activity (running in circles, tosses on the bed, etc); (2) or try to separate the two kids; (3) or we just watch them to prevent inappropriate behavior (and try use some Janet Lansbury-esque language to explain what is happening).
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@Ash: my older girl is like this to my younger girl and has been since her birth. I don't think there's a magic bullet for it - I think that it's just a more aggressive/impulsive personality type. My best advice is to pick something that you feel comfortable with and that doesn't escalate the situation and do it over and over again and don't expect it to work other than through time and repetition. So we do something like "we don't hit. We're kind to each other in this family" then replace the behaviour with words "if you want to play by yourself say 'I want to play with this by myself please'". Or that type of thing. Then I supervise them really closely. I also put them in a multi-age room daycare so they can be together during the day under the supervision of other people so my older girl can see other kids treating her gently. And the other thing is that I don't think of my older girl as "mean" - I try to view it more neutrally - she's impulsive and she just isn't one of those kids that's super interested in nurturing a baby. I found Siblings without Rivalry was useful for developing an approach where each kid can have their own personality and I am working to not set up a victim/aggressor type dynamic. The other thing I have found helpful is letting go of control of what kind of sibling relationship I want them to have. All I can do is teach kindness to both of them in everything that we do, I can't make them have the relationship I want them to have.
But yeah, my main piece of advice is to be consistent, teach them how to treat each other but don't expect any one method to work and ameliorate the behaviour.
to show affection; or asking "Are you ok?" rather than giving an unsolicited hug when someone is crying. (I think a general strategy they have is to give children specific phrases they can use in various circumstances.) Maybe you could come up with some specific phrases for your son to try using in circumstances where he might typically do something physically inappropriate?Reply
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