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This is interesting to read as someone who hasn't been through any ttc struggles. Fwiw I think some newer members just might not know there is a "ttc etiquette" of sorts. Some of them also might complain because maybe they waited a long time between wanting a baby and actually ttc. Or announcing because they don't have anyone IRL they're ready to tell and HB seems like a friendly place. It's had to say. I hav popped in and out of the poas threads but mostly just a cheerleader. Even knowing the etiquette it's easy to screw up because of the wide range of opinions and experiences.
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@littlek: okay that's annoying. Sorry, i got caught up with all of the other posters' comments that i forgot about the original post. haha! I have a friend who was having infertility issues and rolled her eyes at friends who would ask her, "omg, do you think i'm not fertile" after her first BFN.
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@looch: well said. Every situation is different. Is it harder for a 25 year old who has been trying for 12 months or a 35 year old trying for 6 months? Even though we've been TTC for 7 cycles I don't know very much about the whole TTC process. I've learned so much from others who have gone through a long journey.
@MamaMoose: @Freckles: I couldn't even imagine the pain of a miscarriage when you're TTC...so heartbreaking. My good friend tried for 2 years and was finally able to get her cycles on track after she quit her job...then she suffered 3 miscarriages. She said her and her husband would just look at the BFP and could not even be excited. She wanted 4 kids but is stopping at 2 bc she can't take take the heartbreak of another miscarriage.
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@sandy: That's so sad
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As has been said, I am a total complainer about this stuff. But I also love helping others understand the TTC process and hate that places like this can be intimidating. Hell, I know *I* can be intimidating. But I have an idea...
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I do try to ignore it as much as I can when I see someone who has been TTC 1-2 months stressing about how horrible it is. Personally I remember the disappointment of that first BFN, and the second, and starting to wonder what was wrong. It's embarrassing now to look back and remember the thoughts that would go through my head every month, not knowing what a long journey I had ahead of me and what others go through, but I think it's a pretty common feeling.
The nice thing about HB is that we have a good mix of bees at different stages of TTC so newbie TTCers are more likely to learn a little about IF and now we have appropriate threads for wherever we are in our journey.
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FYI this thread was not to make people feel bad.. trust me, people get annoyed when I talk about TTC.. they say that I should just be happy I have a child.
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@littlek: CLEARLY. For my personal experience, I was annoying when I was *crushed* I didn't get KU the first month out.. I was annoying when I became a super bitter TTC monster... and I am annoying now because I already have a super precious little monster and want MORE. Give me all the adorable monsters.
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I really try to be open to the idea that wherever you are in your journey is hard. especially because I do have a child and I haven't done a million cycles - but I find my situation challenging because of repeat chemicals (and doing treatments at all).
that said I've found it healthier for me to stay away from the regular POAS thread because some of the newer people will say stuff that gets to me. I don't hold it against them, just better for me to avoid it.
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I think some of us newbies deserve the benefit of the doubt....I have only made a couple posts here, but I've been lurking for a long time. I was diagnosed with PCOS 13 years ago, at age 16, and have had it hanging over my head since then that I would probably have some difficulty TTC. I struggle every day with the effects of PCOS, including unwanted hair, insulin resistance, hormone imbalances, and the dread of a miserable natural period when I go off birth control. My husband and I are planning to start TTC in a few months, and will be NTNP in about a month to see if I get a regular period and ovulate on my own, or if I'll need Clomid. For me, a lot of the anxiety and other emotions about TTC began long before I will actually start trying, and I'd like to think this is a supportive place to talk about my feelings if we do have as much difficulty as we anticipate. I will also be starting later than many, and have added concern about beginning to TTC at 29. As someone else posted, everyone has their own problems and we never know all of what a person is dealing with.
All that said, I may well be back after 6 months of trying screaming "SHUT UP NOOBS!!"
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@badwolf: I hope you never even get to six months
.Different situations is what makes HB so great, even though some of the newbie moans ge to me, I do understand their concerns and think they should have somewhere to vent, that is why I am off the regular POAS thread for a while.
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I think that Megan is right. Saying its taking too long is a bit obnoxious if its only been a short time but saying its hard is totally fair. I have only been trying for a baby for 2 months and I was very lucky with my son to get KU easily but I hard or a lot of fears about my own fertility. Fears based on age and medical history. A lot of us worry because TTC whether its your first time or your 5th can feel uncertain. Fertility is jr a guarantee and I think those first few months are hard because you start to obsess and you have way to much time to think about what might be wrong. Intentions mean a lot too and until you are in someone's shoes on any side of an issue its not really fair to judge. I get annoyed with so many things I read on here and with my friends at times. That's life. People are annoying but if they have good intentions then I don't think it's right to blame them. We all have our pain and our ignorance. We all have our sour grapes too so I am not above that. I get jealous and annoyed all the time when I see something working out for a lot of people but not for myself. I try not to let it get out of hand if I can. It's hard in both sides.
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@badwolf: I also hope you never get to six months before your BFP!
Yes, I get annoyed. But my MC has made me feel worse than the amount of months I've tried.
I do roll my eyes some, but I try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't always help, and sometimes the green eyed jealousy monster gets me. But unfortunately feelings aren't always rational.
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Complaining in general stresses me out. It makes me feel anxious and unhappy. I don't mind when someone has to vent every now and then, but I try to ignore chronic complainers no matter what the topic is.
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@badwolf: just FYI I was pregnant with my LO when I was 33. 29 is still young.
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Thank you for the kind responses
I truly wish good things and sticky babies for all of you ladies who have been trying, especially those trying for 6+ months.
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@badwolf: @littlek: To add on to what @littlek: mentioned, I got pregnant with my first at 36 in our 7th cycle. . . after a history including a LEEP procedure when I was 19--that was actually completely unnecessary!--and complications thereafter.
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On bad days, yes, it annoys me. On good days, I try to ignore it. I remember being that naive early on. Shoot, I talked about nursery ideas when I first started posting here. All I talk about now is fertility treatments and POAS.
Oh, I ignore pregnancy complaints, too. Well, I try to. Grass is always greener on the other side.
@MsLipGloss: @littlek: I'm 'young' at 30 years old but I've been trying for 2 years! With no inkling of a pregnancy (never seen a BFP)! I am not sure when I will get pregnant, will it be a year from now? 2 years? 4 years? Age is concern for me. Especially when I have friends who have had 3 kids and are the same age. Yeah, maybe if I was 25, I wouldn't be as concerned but now that I hit 30, yeah, I'm concerned.
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@googly-eyes: I agree. Newbies are new. They are curious about symptoms just like we all were, at one point. I try to remind myself that all the time. I really do like the community here and so I don't want to make newbies feel unwelcome. I hope they continue posting.
I try not to judge them but when I see comments like 'I'm so glad I didn't have trouble getting pregnant.' It stings... a lot. I think perspective is something we all (myself included) need to think about. There's always going to be someone who has it worse than you. I know people who are TTC for 5 years! I'm only at 2 years.
This morning on the vanpool, one of the riders (rider O, if anyone was following my other thread) was borderline complaining about her coworker and how she didn't know if her coworker was going to be at work today and that she might have more work because of it. Well, then, she mentions that this coworker is going through IVF. I had to speak up and mentioned my troubles because I do not want her bashing her coworker for going through fertility treatments.
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@bluestriped bee: I do think its good to gently speak up if someone says something insensitive. I have had people say things and bring my attention to what I was otherwise oblivious to. That does help.
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@bluestriped bee: Yeah I agree, it's good to speak up when people say ignorant or insensitive things. (Man, O is a piece of work lol).
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@MrsMccarthy: @pui: Yeah, on here, I try to ignore those comments because I don't want to make it seem like IF needs to be brought up every second of the day. I do think about it but I don't want to me known as the "HB's resident IF complainer." Haha. So, you'll see me mention IF when I feel like it.
As for IRL, I do filter myself because people new to TTC don't mean to be insensitive. I'm fine with it if they say something once. If it's someone that I interact with often and they continue to say insensitive things, I will gently say something.
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@pui: Yeah, rider O is such a pain. Luckily, she's been fairly quiet in the vanpool, so I don't have much to complain about other than today's borderline insensitivity. But, I think I nipped that in the bud.
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@bluestriped bee: I don't think anyone has to be mean about it, but I think it's good to let people know IRL when they may be saying something insensitive.
I always politely insist people don't use words like "gay" or "retard" in a derogatory way (at least when around me). A lot of my friends roll their eyes at me, but I think it's important to make people think about what they're saying.
Lots of people don't know anything about infertility... I didn't really before I had my brush with it. People often probably don't mean to be insensitive, but I think it's good to let them know when they are.
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I think there are two sides... newbies that have no idea what they are getting into, and then people dealing with IF who have become bitter and angry. (I am on my 17th cycle of TTC, myself.)
I think it's important to remember that the only experience that we have any say over is our own. Somebody else getting pregnant right away, or complaining after only trying for two cycles - that has zero bearing on me and my experience! I don't ever want to be a jaded lady with IF, or a smug mom (when that finally happens,) etc. And I definitely don't want to ever get to the point where I can't even be happy or supportive for others because I have allowed bitterness to ruin who I am.
All that to say - no, it doesn't bother me when new TTC-ers say naive or insensitive things, because it actually has nothing to do with me.
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@ShayNanigans: That's a really good way to look at it!
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