Hellobee Boards

No, not particularly. Especially fostering. I actually feel like certain people "target" me on here. Meh, oh well

I did. I think though, that because so many people find it difficult to talk about it, that there is just overall less discussion. But when you get up the courage to say something, you find that there is a lot of people like you and a whole bunch of people to listen.

Sort of...it got a little better once some of us carved out our own space in the IF thread, but I still feel like in general there's very little awareness of what IF really is and what the experience is like.

ETA: On that note, I don't spend a whole lot of time moping around and being sad about IF. But when I see the occasional threads about "weren't we so lucky to get pregnant on our first try?" or "this is so horrible, I'm on cycle 2 and not pregnant yet" it makes me die a little inside.

@lilteacherbee: you're back!!!!!!! So happy to see you and so happy to hear you're pregnant! Congrats!!!

@mrbee: Some ideas might be Myths vs Facts about infertility, or how to support a friend/family member? I think there's some good information from Resolve's site about those topics. And National Infertility Awareness Week is coming up April 21-27 so it would be timely!

@spaniellove: i love those ideas! i have some previous posts about our IF journey that i could repost @mrbee ...they're definitely on the heavy side, but that's what IF is like.

i will say that when we were struggling with IF, i would have stayed clear of HB because it would have made me so sad. not because the community isn't welcoming, but because i, myself, would have felt like such an outsider. infertility is such a lonely journey and unless you're in it or have gone through it, you can't really understand it.

i was just reading through my old posts about infertility and reread this quote that i think sums up the IF journey really well:

"But each milestone came and went. The calendar advanced, and there was no baby. The English language lacks the words "to mourn an absence". For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child, or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only "I am sorry for your loss". But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
- Laura Bush

@spaniellove: I'd love to read your post! I feel like we get no support from our families with my infertility. Support on other things but not infertility specifically.

Maybe something we could even forward to our families lol. Something that shows that "if we stop thinking about it, it will happen on its own" isn't always true.

@mrbee: i'd love to! i'll brush up an old post tomorrow.

Yes and no. We have been trying for almost a year now with a miscarriage in the mix. The bees were very helpful and sweet and helped me through the situation. I can also say I have really gotten to know son of the bee's and cherish my friendships with them.

I do agree that lately I have felt like I personally am in a state of "hellobee limbo". I posted a question on the IF Support thread and the TWW thread for the month. I think I received 1 response on each thread. I guess I was a little hurt and felt like each was very "clicky". I was too green for the IF thread and to much of a senior for the TWW thread.

I still love the community, but it made me realize I really didn't feel comfortable in either.

Once again, I'm with @Mrs. Cowgirl. I would have had a hard time on HB had I not been to the point I was when I came here. The boards do seem geared more to current and expecting parents, but I think the blog goes above and beyond infertility coverage. I was really surprised at the number of IF bloggers that HB has.

I love that quote by Laura Bush. I saw that posted on a blog once and went out and bought and read the entire book.

@spaniellove in the past month or so I've written quite a few posts on TTC and IF. Please feel free to contact me if you want to talk.

Ditto to what @twoofeverything said. I feel welcomed now, but was... scared, I guess? I felt like I was the nerd at school poking her nose into the popular girls lunch table.

Let me just preface this with a note that says that I'm not exactly coping really well with my IF struggle.

With that said, I don't know how many IFers feel the way I do. I might be the only one.

To answer your question, sort of. There are a lot of current and former (not sure if that's the right word for it, I apologize if it's not) IFers on here and they are great for advice and support.

There is definitely more chatter on parenting and pregnancy related topics than IF. I don't think it is anything a parenting/ pregnancy forum can do to fix. There are a lot of people with LOs and they talk about them. It's why a majority of users come to hellobee... to talk about parenting, pregnancy or TTC. (For me, since talking about anything baby related is difficult, I can talk about non-baby related things.)

I do think that it can be hard for IFers who are currently trying for their first child. I think IFers who have children, at least can come here to discuss their children. So they fit, at least, in the parenting realm. I understand that IF at any stage is hard, whether it is your first, third or fifth child.

For me, it's especially hard seeing threads about having a second child. I can't even get pregnant with my first.

I don't know if there is any way to help first child TTC IFers... unless you have a way to make all baby things disappear on the internet and IRL. We see baby stuff everywhere. In the stores, on FB or at work with pregnant coworkers.

I think we are in our own little world where seeing anything baby related can set us into a depressed state.

I mentioned this on the IF chat thread that maybe we could have our own board... like separate from the main boards. But after talking to some IFers, it might not be the best idea because it could open up a slew of 'Why can't I have a board for [insert topic here].' (Possibly miscarriages? I can't comment because I've never had a MC before.) Which they can have their own valid reasons for having a dedicated board. Which I understand.

Then there are other reason on how a dedicated board won't work. Like, which forum to post on (main boards or IF boards) for a non-baby or non-IF type questions.

I don't want to be separate from the main boards and be known as those 'IFers'. (Wow, sounded like I referred to myself as a curse word. Haha)

I don't know. I feel a little clearer, right now. (You should have seen me yesterday, I was a wreck!) Maybe it's just something that I have to deal with personally. How to not take the baby threads so sensitively. How to not take my IF bitterness out on pregnant women and people with children. It's just internal conflict for me.

@MrsCastro: I'm so sorry, you felt like we were cliquely in the IF chat thread. I personally think the reason is because the chat thread is so long and it's so hard to comment on all the new comments. I'm bad that I think I only read about 25% of that thread. I sometimes want to post an update but feel bad that I don't have time to read the last 2 pages of comments. Of course, I'm guilty of posting only my update but not commenting on others. Lastly, I think since the thread is so so long, that it's hard to know IFers past. I think if there was an area in our profile where we could list our stats (IUI/IVF count, important medical notes, etc.) that it could give some people a reminder about what a particular user's history has been. I sometimes want to find a particular users IUI history but I don't have the time to go through all 43 pages of that IF thread to find it. I'm so sorry that you only got one response.

@bluestriped bee: I agree that we are in our own little world. But I feel even more separated for the "ifers" (cool word lol) because were fostering and there are only like 3 other fosters parents on here. So I don't fit I the parents thread, obviously don't fit in the pregnancy thread and don't really fit in the ifers thread because we're not actively TTc right now. Soi just more come here for non baby related stuff.

Obviously I'm sensitive but I feel like when I ask things baby related or about gear and stuff I get judgey people answering me and avoiding my original question. So I'm happy I have other sites to ask questions.

And there is no real solution, you can't produce more foster parents out of thin air.

I think this site has gotten more supportive as more people struggling with fertility use it, but when I was struggling, I avoided HB.

I think the site itself is inclusive i.e. blogs about infertility, struggling to conceive, but the community is 90% mom (or feels that way). You can't change the content of threads.

I agree that having an infertility or struggling to conceive option where you could avoid the baby threads would be extremely supportive.

I feel super at home in my little niche of the IF thread, and in general I'm comfortable commenting on all of the threads on HB. I think the structure of all the threads showing up mixed together leads me to just comment on the IF support thread instead of creating a new thread under Infertility because I know I'll get responses from (well meaning) people who don't understand the issue.

I LOVE the idea of dedicating a series of posts to infertility awareness week!

@spaniellove: please submit a guest post!

After our mc I didn't come on because it was too hard for me, not because of HB. Then when we started ttc again I found great support and friends on the charting page. Oddly enough, majority of us moved our way over to IF. I don't think a lot of people understand IF and how painful it is. No, you trying for 5 months is not the same as a doctor telling you that you will not get pregnant on your own.

Now that DH and I are pregnant again (hang in there @mrscastro) I feel like a nut because I can not let go of the fear and pain of being pregnant after IF and a loss. Having @marionberry start the thread for that I think will be very helpful.

I think @spaniellove do a guest post is great. I struggle in real life too because like a PP said, IF and/or loss is painful and people don't like to talk about it. I don't feel it's HBs fault that I feel the way I do.

@Mrs Green Grass: I agree. I lurked but avoided joining until after I get pregnant because there wasn't enough talk about infertility. I remember when the first few threads bringing infertility to the forefront were posted but I still didn't join. I'm not sure why. I just felt like this was more the place to be when/if I got pregnant.

But I'm very glad to see more posts now on infertility. It's still a pretty taboo topic IRL for me so it's great to try to help people now. I know I'll probably need advice on a frozen embryo transfer when/if we try for a second baby.

@mrbee: Thank you!