Ever since I went back to work after LO2 in January, I have been having an extremely difficult time handling work and home life. I'm just really struggling to keep up and I'm always incredibly stressed - basically I always feel like I'm at the breaking point. I was supposed to leave on a short business trip today and LO2 started vomiting last night - I've never seen her so miserable so I decided I couldn't go this morning. It was an important business trip and it's really important to me to do my job well and I'm just feeling like such a failure. I put so much energy into preparing for this trip (pumping an extra session every day for a month...kills me) and I just feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm all over the place but I just need some perspective from working mamas - how do you keep yourself going when it's all too much for too long? 
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@Dagny: Hugs to you. The working and parenting balance is hard.
I really struggled for months after returning to work after LO2 was born. I felt so stretched thin and like I wasn't giving enough time/attention/love to both LOs. I wasn't spending enough time with DH and friends. I wasn't doing anything for myself (which caused me to be resentful and cranky). It was SO HARD. BUT, it got easier and easier and now LO is 2 and things are great (I'm even working out regularly)!!
There wasn't one thing that make things better. I eventually figured out that the only thing I had control over was me (how I spent my time and how I reacted to stressful situations). I started to figure out the things that were stressing me out and causing me to feel overwhelmed, I was able to work with DH to figure out a better plan. DH stepped up and took charge of specific things, we hired a weekly cleaning service, we got better at routines that saved us time and kept us on top of regular chores. Little by little it just got better.
Could you take a step back and think through what is causing the most stress and figure out ways to manage things? Ex - are their things that DH could be responsible for? Could you outsource things like meal prep/planning, cleaning, etc to free up some of your time? Are there things you could be doing to make your life easier (laying out clothes for the week on Sundays, packing bags the night before, etc)?
Hang in there - it gets better!
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Hugs to you. You don't have to be superwoman. I agree with @Bluebonnet: - step back and see what is causing the most stress. And remember, you're not letting anyone down.
DD2 had to have a formula bottle today- her first- and I've been feeling like a failure as a mom because I can't pump enough for her- but I'm not. I wouldn't consider any other mom in the same boat a failure. Basically it's just so hard to balance it all. I hope it gets better (and that your LO gets better).
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It helps me to remember that my job is just a job, something I do to enable me to live the rest of my life. Which is not to say that I don't do my best at it and care about it, but it's not the most important thing - my family is. I also think about how I would feel if a coworker was in the position I was. If your friend at work had to cancel a business trip because of a sick child you would understand, right?
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It's so hard! I think it took at LEAST 6 months back at work before I felt like I had a hold on things. I would definitely ditto everyone above that said to try to identify what your real "pain points" are. Is it washing bottles? Making dinner? Packing lunches? I'd sit down with your partner and figure out what you guys can do together as a team to help give you a little more breathing room. This can definitely be a moving target and change as your little one gets older. For example, now that my 19 month old is fully weaned, my husband does the whole bedtime routine, and it's AMAZING. Major hugs to you. I know it's not easy!
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@Dagny: Hugs! I'm on my first business trip after LO2, pumping in a bathroom right now. I left two sick kiddos. It is hard! I called my parents to help after baby got sick. lO1 got sick after I left or I probably would have stayed. Trusting my partner, daycare, and tribe are a big help. I introduced formula this trip too because I just couldn't do it all. I'm barely hanging on but kids/family are #1. Focus on doing your best. Just your best. Forgive yourself if your best isn't up to your previous standards.
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To be totally frank, this feeling never really goes away, but it does get easier over time as they get older. I only have one kid and my husband and I both have pretty ideal work situations (flexibility, autonomy, etc.) and I feel like this pretty regularly, so it's honestly part of being a working mom. Like others have said, it is a question of what is causing you the stress. Things I would think about:
Do you have a rigid structure at work that makes you feel bad for missing a trip (are you expecting repercussions?) or is it self imposed? I had to miss an important all day meeting last week because my kid (almost 3) ran a random fever and DH couldn't stay home that day, and as much as I hated that, I knew that my boss and my team understood that life happens. If you feel like your management is less lenient and you might actually suffer at work because of this, then you should take a harder look at your work place and whether it's the right situation. If it's self imposed and others at work, including your manager, are telling you it's OK to miss the trip, try to spend some time regularly to remember that you cannot do it all.
Are there things you're expecting to do at home that you can outsource/re-allocate? IE, can DH make dinner? Can he occupy the kids so you can make dinner? Are you assuming you can make dinner, do laundry and play with the kids all in one evening, and if so, how can you move things around some? I'm terrible at assigning myself to do all the things, even though my DH is ready to do anything and everything, and cause myself stress that way.
What can you let go? There is always something. Is there a work project you can delegate or get extra help with? Can your husband do some things so you can do other things? Can some things just not happen?
What do you need to de-stress? Is it a few minutes of reading a book, or an evening out with friends, or a half hour at the gym? This is something I am also terrible at, self care is the last priority ever, but I feel a lot less frazzled if I get even 15 minutes of reading in at the end of the day.
Hang in there. It does get better, but if you think about what might be the biggest pain points, you might be able to change things up enough to ease them faster.
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awww, I know how you feel... Its always a juggling act balancing expectations of you at work and home life.I think the first step is to accept that things are different now and not be too hard on yourself. I can imagine it will get better as your LO gets older. I still only have one LO but I know that once LO 2 arrives in the fall it will be an even harder act to juggle
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It is important to remember you are doing the best you can and that is enough.
For me, it was really hard to balance my home life with job stresses once I went back to work. It just stretched me so thin that I was a hot mess all the time. I actually ended up seeing a therapist and then psychiatrist, which made a big difference for me. It was all triggered once I went back to work. I personally say that if you feel constantly emotionally struggling it may be worthwhile to talk to a doctor.
On another note, it does get better. I definitely put a lot of pressure on myself at my job and feel like I am failing if I do things like call out of work because LO is sick. It sometimes is really bothersome, but I just keep remembering that I am doing the best I can and if DH and LO are ok then everything is going to be fine. I've also let go a lot on minor things like keeping the house cleaned at all times, and sometimes I don't look the best at work if it was a rough night. -
Hugs momma! Although I only have one LO right now, I do know the feeling of being stretched thing. DH is gone a LOT (Military) and often everything is on my to do . It bothers me still, but I have truly tried to let some things go. I hate that I have had to. But especially when he is gone I have to lower my standards with some things. Things that can wait to be done, housework, whatever. For my own sanity I needed to slow down and stop trying to take on too much. Things that can wait, let them wait. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. So just try to remember to take care of YOU!
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I've definitely had to make a lot of compromises for our sanity, like straight to formula, disposable diapers, hiring a cleaning lady and pushing off potty training, but honestly even though it stings a bit I know deep down that these are all small things. I recently went on a 2 week business trip and even though it was really hard being away, I know other families have it way worse and I'm just thankful to have a good job that allows me to provide a better life for my son. It's a trade-off and some days are worse than others, but for now I truly believe this is what is best for our family so I try to keep things in perspective. Hugs!!!
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@Dagny: Just do the next right thing. One decision at a time. Don't think of "all of it" - just focus on the current decision, own it, handle it, and move to the next thing. You made the decision to be home with sick baby, you own that, whatever the consequences may be. So you pour into your baby, and do the best you can to get baby well as fast as possible. Then on to the next thing.
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No real advice, but just wanting to offer "you are not alone". Going back after two was not even comparable to going back after our first. So bad for me, I put my job at risk, my marriage almost completely wrecked and I completely lost myself. I returned July 2015. Had three of my lowest points in Sept, Oct and Nov, and it took a solid life overhaul (counselling (marriage), time off work, complete overhaul of self with some solid professional help) to get back on the rails. A lot of hard work and I'm in a completely different (amazing) place again, thankfully. Hugs. I dread how I felt for myself to ever feel again, or anyone having to feel that way. Asking a few colleagues who went back after two and while not as bad as I got myself (probably because of role at work) and we all were not prepared for how different going back after two would be.
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@Dagny: I've "whined" about this in another recent thread but I just wanted to commiserate with you. I could've written your post word for word except substitute LO2 for chronically and severely ill parent.
It's only been three months since my mom was devastated by her illness, so I'm still trying to figure it all out. When I initially went back to work I was a mess, making all sorts of mistakes at work. My head wasn't straight and I'd think of my mom and feel guilty I wasn't there for her, even though I'm the primary breadwinner in my family and need to work. And even after returning to work I've had to call out numerous times cause of unexpected issues arising with my mom's care. I was trying but felt like I losing on all fronts.
I don't have a big support system to lean on but I've been trying to make more use of the few I do have. For example, I'd spend every waking moment either at work, or with my mom. And it's all so. Damn. Draining. But no matter how tired I was I'd feel guilty if I just relaxed at home on a day off instead of taking care of my mom. I'm learning to let go of that guilt, and make more free time for myself. If you don't prioritize it and ask of it from others around you, it will never happen. I stayed at home one day this week doing nothing but lying around in bed and puttering around the house and it was probably the first time in several months I was able to do this and it felt so good. Yes I was still thinking about my mom but you just have to do it. Dont know if it's an option for you, but ask family or friends for help. Have them take the kids for the day while you catch up on errands or sleep or whatever. Don't let them make you feel guilty and don't feel guilty.
I'm sorry, I feel your pain.
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I don't really have much advice but can certainly provide commiseration. I agree with a lot of the advice pp have given. It really does suck sometimes, doesn't it? While I choose to be a WOH parent I still get annoyed by it all at times. I also feel pulled in a thousand directions and don't really feel liking I'm nailing anything and sometimes I get really down about it but other times I try to stay positive and tell myself I'm doing to the best that I can. I feel guilty about lots of things with work and my family but I try to tell myself that as long as I'm doing the best that I can that is good enough.
I am lucky that my husband is very hands on with our kids and is helpful in doing what needs to get done on a regular basis. I am also fortunate that we have the finances to have hired a cleaning service. This is amazing to me. I admit that I don't really do a lot of cleaning in between them coming and we live with a messier house than I would like but I have also realized that I have to let some things go for right now while we are in the thick of raising young children. I know it won't always be like this and when they are more independent things will get better.
Hang in there and hugs to you. We're all in this together.
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I have found two kids and working so hard! And that’s with a flexible work schedule, a partner who shares childcare and household responsibilities, letting a lot of stuff go, and other good things in my life. It’s just still hard for me
For our family, I think one child put us at the boundary of what we could comfortably handle. Two kids are not a LOT harder, but enough harder to leave us overwhelmed regularly.I also have often felt guilty about not giving my work my best. A few of the things I try to think about to address the guilt:
-I could always find a way to do more for my job, but I am trying pretty hard. And I don’t think a person should be required to be superhuman to have children and work. Which means that it’s a problem with the system, not me.
-I try to think of myself as a trailblazer. For families where having a stay-at-home parent works for them, great. But I don’t think that should be required, especially when the stay-at-home/work divide seems to fall so rigidly along gender lines. So by working, and letting the realities of also being a parent play a role in my work, I make it easier for other people to not be “perfect” in the future.
-Being a working parent has helped me to be more empathetic and generous with my colleagues when they have personal issues that prevent them from giving their everything at work, whether because of kids, personal medical issues, taking care of elderly relatives, whatever. I hope I can continue to be generous with them and take up some of the slack in the future when my circumstances allow. -
There are a couple of people in my office that have multiple young children, and I'll be honest, the only way it seems to work where no one is sacrificing stuff at work is to have some kind of live in help, either from an au pair or nanny, in some cases, grandparents.
I apologize if that's not helpful, it is simply an observation.
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Thank you so much to everyone - I really appreciate your responses and it's been so helpful.
I've been thinking a lot about this over the past couple days as I've read the responses and I realized one of the key problems is that what I do is never enough (for myself). Every single day, at the end of the day, I feel like I have not done enough. Which, when I think about it that way, is CRAZY. I mean, I do a ton every day, and yet I still feel like it isn't enough. The reality is that I've been running myself into the ground all the time - no matter what the situation is I am always thinking about the billions of things I should do and I am always stressed. I realize that I have an issue with wanting to do 'everything' (which is not possible) and wanting to do everything well and since there will always be more to do than I accomplish, I'm just racing around never arriving at this imaginary finish line. I always regularly think about how I will relaxed when 'xyz'. Last month, we went to visit family in San Diego and I was looking for forward to it for a month thinking this will be a nice relaxing trip and I was a stressed mess most of the time. I think I've known this for awhile but it has really hit home for me this week - the stress I've been dealing with is not going to change unless I learn to be present and accept that what I do accomplish is enough. Now I need to figure out how I can really work on this. I've been telling myself for months that I need to start a daily meditation practice and it's more apparent to me than ever that to counteract my strong inclination to do, do, do, I just need to work on being. @Bluebonnet: Yeah that's pretty much exactly how I'm feeling. I have not done anything for myself since LO2 was born (she is 8 mo) and I know it makes me feel resentful, it's just so a challenge to try to take any time for myself when I'm always behind on everything. And DH and I have had tons of discussions about things he can start doing - unfortunately we haven't made much progress with that but we're continuing to talk about it so that's good (it's not that he isn't willing but he works much longer hours than I do). I've been thinking a lot and I think the thing that causes me the most stress is that I feel like I am never spending enough time on work. It's like I have this procrastination cloud over me all the time. I hate that I can't give my job enough attention so I need to think about that.
@LULABEE - thank you for your note. It really helps to not feel alone.
I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed about giving LO formula - don't beat yourself up. @erinbaderin: yes, you are totally right. If this happened to a co-worker I would be very understanding and sympathetic. It's so hard to give that kindness to myself.
@madger: thank you for your response. This made me think more about what I can do to free up some of my time in the evening re: bedtime. Right now getting LO2 to sleep (and keeping her asleep) is ridiculous and while I really don't want to sleep train her, I think actually having a solid few hours in the evening to catch up on work and give myself 20 minutes to do something for myself would make a huge difference.
@Corduroy: your comments meant a lot to me given that our situation is similar. You are amazing - good for you! I hope your trip is/was good and that your littles are doing okay!!
@Mrs. Carrot: thanks for your honesty. Re: work - no, my boss is actually in the exact same situation as me (we both have 2 LOs roughly the same in age) so she totally gets it and is very understanding. The company I work for is incredibly family friendly and I have a lot of flexibility. That's part of what makes me feel like such a mess - I have a really supportive work environment and I still struggle a lot. I just put a lot of pressure on myself to do a good job and when I know I'm not doing my best, it really gets to me. Definitely something I need to work on.
@Mrsbells: Thank you for your words! Good luck with the arrival of LO2.
@Eko: I really relate to all of what you've said, thank you. I have been feeling like I should make an appt with my therapist (whom I haven't seen in years) - it's one of those things I know I should do but just haven't. I think it's time!
@Rescuemom10: thank you - this is really a good reminder. I don't take care of myself at all. It's so hard to try and do that as we all know, but I need to accept the truth that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of family/work well.
@Modern Daisy: Yes, it is so important to remember how lucky I am to have a good job that I like and to have a safe place to live and food to eat. There are so many things I need to slow down and be appreciative of. Hopefully that will help me let go of the small, insignificant stuff.
@gingerbebe: thank you. this is definitely the mind set I want to aim for. I've been telling myself since I went back to work that I need to start a daily meditation practice because I can tell myself all the time I need to focus and be present but I need to give myself the tools.
@sunnyday: thank you, thank you. I really hear your words and it is so relieving to hear that others have dealt with the exact same thing. Good for you for focusing on improving!
@Meow: wow that sounds so challenging - you are amazing. I'm sure that is really emotionally draining. I'm glad you were able to spend a day doing nothing around the house. Part of issue is that even when I have some time that I could spend relaxing or doing something leisurely, I just can't do it - I always end up doing house work/taking care of random things. I truly don't know how to relax anymore so it's something I need to prioritize... I hope that things improve for you soon!
@Canoli:
Thank you - this really was nice to hear. @Ms maths: thank you so much for your words. It makes me realize that I don't give myself any credit for the effort I put in at work. I always feel that I'm not doing enough but the truth is I work hard and I do the best I can. Your words are very helpful, thank you.
@looch: no need to apologize. I believe it - it's just too hard. me and my husband wish my mom could live with us. she still works and will be for a long time but it would still be nice to have her help. unfortunately we just don't have the space but maybe one day she can move in with us!
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@Dagny: Have you heard of The Five Minute Journal? http://www.fiveminutejournal.com/
Its a book and also an app. I started doing it earlier this year and its made a huge difference in my life. Some of your comments about focusing, being present, celebrating accomplishments make me think it something that could really help you too.
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@Bluebonnet: I haven't heard of that - I will look into it, thank you!
For our family, I think one child put us at the boundary of what we could comfortably handle. Two kids are not a LOT harder, but enough harder to leave us overwhelmed regularly.
I've been thinking a lot about this over the past couple days as I've read the responses and I realized one of the key problems is that what I do is never enough (for myself). Every single day, at the end of the day, I feel like I have not done enough. Which, when I think about it that way, is CRAZY. I mean, I do a ton every day, and yet I still feel like it isn't enough. The reality is that I've been running myself into the ground all the time - no matter what the situation is I am always thinking about the billions of things I should do and I am always stressed. I realize that I have an issue with wanting to do 'everything' (which is not possible) and wanting to do everything well and since there will always be more to do than I accomplish, I'm just racing around never arriving at this imaginary finish line. I always regularly think about how I will relaxed when 'xyz'. Last month, we went to visit family in San Diego and I was looking for forward to it for a month thinking this will be a nice relaxing trip and I was a stressed mess most of the time. I think I've known this for awhile but it has really hit home for me this week - the stress I've been dealing with is not going to change unless I learn to be present and accept that what I do accomplish is enough. Now I need to figure out how I can really work on this. I've been telling myself for months that I need to start a daily meditation practice and it's more apparent to me than ever that to counteract my strong inclination to do, do, do, I just need to work on being. 
I'm sorry that you're feeling disappointed about giving LO formula - don't beat yourself up. 
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