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@Kimberlybee: I strive to model the high road approach for my boys. Although truth be told I am not great at it all the time.
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I would have also reacted and said something to the child. Just yesterday at the playground I had a little "chat" with a child who looked to be about 7, who wasn't sharing (and being mean about it) and the parents were nowhere to be seen.
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I think it is so understandable to have a gut reaction like that when someone is coming at your child with a closed fist. If the mom was not watching closely, your kid could have gotten hurt in the time you waited for the other parent to step in. Sure, you maybe should have just snatched your LO up without saying anything. But you were in the moment and worried about your child's safety.
I have been on both sides of this situation, and while it never feels great to have another parent attempt to discipline your kid, I really come from the "it takes a village" mindset. The fact is that at some point in my parenting career, I will be distracted, and I think it is totally okay for another parent to step in if I'm not able to first.
When I have been in your shoes versus the other parent, I have said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I just got really 'Mom' there for a second! Usually it's the other way around and LO is the one not being nice so I am used to jumping into action." That usually diffuses the situation. In your case, I don't think she even gave you the chance to try to do that.
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Honestly? I would have reacted like you and then reacted further when I heard her comment. And I'm not confrontational.....
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I would have reacted the same way and prevented the other kid from further hurting my own.
I imagine the other mom made her statement to someone else when asked what happened. It just doesn't sound like that something she would have said to her kid. Maybe I'm wrong. But, I don't find the statement all that upsetting since who likes to fault their own kid? She backed you up when it was necessary.
I wouldn't have escalated the situation by saying something rude back to her because that would probably have scared my own kid.
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These threads are so challenging as a parent, because on the one hand, you don't want your child to be manhandled, but on the other side, when someone parents your child and talks to them in a stern way, it can be upsetting to the child, embarrassing to the parent and undermine a lot of hard work to get kids to behave a certain way. Further, it's a big leap to assume that a child of a certain age should just know better....kids come with all kinds of different learning abilities, backgrounds, disadvantages, etc.
The thing for me is basically this: There are two sides to every story, especially with children. We don't know if the person we're squatting next to has sensory issues, we don't know if kid A knocked into kid B, etc. We also don't know how the parents choose to discipline or correct their child and I would be extremely upset if someone raised their voice at my son if he bumped into their kid. Put yourself in the other parent's position when you're asking or responding to these type of validation questions because you will be on the other side one day.
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I would have done the same. And would have snarked back at her. You're protecting your kid and who cares if you raised your voice at another child (who was older!). If the mom didn't like it she should have been paying closer attention to her own kid.
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@looch: I totally agree with what you've written. Until I re-read the OP and saw the note about then coming at her child with an balled fist. To me, thats when it crosses the line of "oops I bumped/pushed you" to this child is now being aggressive and will potentially hurt my child. So of course I would step in at that point.
I think as long as you didn't raise your voice to the other child, saying something sternly to get them to stop or preventing something from happening is normal.
I may not agree with other parenting styles, but my kids need to know that not everyone will have the same rules as us. Bottom line, they need to treat others with respect and they need to respect adults. What irks me is that by the mom being snarky back, it doesn't show the child either of those lessons.
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@T.H.O.U.: And I can guarantee you that if I saw my son push another child, before it would even escalate to punching, I would step in and address it with my son. And I'd remove him. He knows he has one strike and he's out, even if another kid started it (which, by the way, I am not assuming in the case of the OP).
The hard part about it is that as a parent, I can't always be there and I feel like sh*t when I hear my son was being aggressive. It's not who we are as parents, it's not what we model as adults. But our kids are not often carbon copies, you know?
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@looch: Oh yea, even if my kid bumped into someone, we step in and make sure she says "excuse me". I wouldn't talk sternly to another child for something like that (for reasons you've mentioned, maybe there is something else going on). But if the other child starts to get aggressive, then yes, I am going to step in and say something to the other child.
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@travellingbee: exactly this. I don't get where that mentality comes from either.
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@MrsRcCar: I would have reacted the same way. A lot of parents of older kids don't watch their kids as closely, understandably, so I'm not about to wait till they notice what's going on while my kid gets hit.
Don't know if I would have said something to the other mom... I'm usually too surprised by rude comments like that to know what to say on the spot.
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I would have reacted the exact same way, and I hope someone would say something to my child in that situation if it were reversed! It's not like you screamed at the kid, you stepped up and said something after your LO got pushed by a much older kid.
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@daniellemybelle: I wouldn't have even said something like that to her after her snarky comment.
@looch: I agree that all children develop different and that some children have different needs. N has some sensory issues, so I stay very present with him in large group settings. I also wouldn't have been upset by a bump but it was an intentional shove away. I didn't raise my voice at the child because it would have upset my child further.
@T.H.O.U.: My boys are being to taught to be respectful of people and their space. So it really bothered me that the mother was snarky about everything.
@Mama Bird: oh I had plenty to say but it wouldn't model proper behavior . -
@MrsRcCar: The closed fist was a total situation changer. I think you showed incredible restraint both during and after the incident, and I give you mad props for walking away without returning a snappy retort.
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@looch: I'm very protective of my kid but if I hear another parent scold or "parent" my child, I have always taken the parent's side. I ask them what my kid did and then talk to my kid about it. There is no reason to get defensive about someone else parenting your kid when you aren't paying attention to your kid. Sensory issues, emotional issues, I don't care. If I'm not watching my kid and she does something mean to another kid, I want another parent to tell her that's not nice!
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@mediagirl: yes. It's something I deal with as a teacher all the time. If a child makes a bad choice in my class, and I scold them, I've got a 50/50 chance the parent is going to support or blame me. It's silly. All adults should be responsible for helping kids learn appropriate behavior.
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@looch: Agree. It's so hard because you don't know all the facts. I do think it was rude of the women to comment to her friends about you. Personally, I would have simply said to the little boy "no thank you" and that be it. But I'm not confrontational.
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I would have said something. I'm more concerned about my child getting hurt than hurting some other mom's feelings or whatever about her child-or coming across pissy because her kid is being a jerk. I also don't have a problem with someone intervening if my kids are exhibiting inappropriate behavior, though.
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I definitely would have said something, especially when the closed fist started coming at my child! That is unnacceptable behavior, and the mom's reaction was ridiculous. I've intervened in lesser situations when the parent of the other child was clearly not paying attention and/or caring at all about their child's behavior. It's shocking to me what some parents will let their kids get away with!
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If I was the other mom I'd be so thankful that you stopped my kid from doing that!
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@blackbird: I don't have problems with people correcting my child if they caught him doing something wrong. N has been corrected by another parent when he was in the wrong while I chased his brother. I apologized to the child and the parent and thanked them for correcting him plus re-enforced that he acted improperly.
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I've been in a situation where the parent didn't intervene with her child who was intentionally harassing LO. I felt very angry! It was a supervised language class (trial) and the teacher ignored it too, figuring we would handle it. At first it looked like they were playing but it quickly turned into the other girl being an aggressor (blowing in her face and saying mean things.) I did a lot of subtle correcting and creating space for my child and then I had to be not so subtle, with a glare and a loud correction for the other child when I was about to remove LO completely for the other kids' behavior. I told her, "DO NOT......." Finally, the other parent stepped in and started correcting her child. I was so exasperated. It was our first time there so the other girl was a regular! That also bothered me because I felt outnumbered!
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@snowjewelz: Exactly! How would she have felt if her kid had punched another person's child in the face? I'd be grateful to the other parent for preventing it, and then having a quite stern chat with my child!
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@littlebug: Or like, even if I didn't love the mom's tone and how she dicisiplined my child, I needed to shut my mouth b/c my child and me (b/c I did not stop mine child first) were at fault!
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@pinkcupcake: Was about to write the exact same response. My kid isn't even born yet, so I can't relate to having been in this situation before, but you'd better believe if s/he was in danger of being hit with a closed fist, I'd intervene swiftly and sternly as the adult. And I get modeling the high road, but why can't that involve calmly defending yourself when another adult (and mom) is unkind to you? That's what I'd expect someone to do to me if I was out of line - and still follows/models the Golden Rule.
@mediagirl: Yes. That.
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@YogiRunner: The only things I could think to say weren't near the high road. So I decided to just move on.
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@MrsRcCar: I get it. I don't think I'd be able to think of something fast enough!
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I have had a couple of situations like this happen. I just pick up my kid and walk away, and then talk to my kid about appropriate behaviour. She got (intentionally) kicked in the face by an older boy on the playground a little while ago, and I just picked her up and cuddled her, and totally ignored the kid. We talked about how kicking is not nice and hurts. Later his mom apologized to me and was practically crying. For me, the focus is on teaching my kid what we do and don't do to other kids.
Conversely, the other day a mom swooped in and disciplined my kid for doing something to her sister, and I did not like that one bit. It's embarrassing and made me feel like the mom thought the measures I was taking were inadequate.
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@MrsRcCar: I would have done the same thing! In fact, there have been two occasions where something similar has happened and I absolutely spoke up and said something to the kid.
Pushing, fine, I'll let it slide. But anything more physical than that will bring out the Momma Bear in me.
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@Rockies11: My goal was to diffuse the situation before N became hurt. I wouldn't call what I did swooping in, I was physically watching the whole interaction. The other mother had zero idea of what actual happened until the issue had been resolved.
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@MrsRcCar: sorry - I wasn't comparing. What happened to me was actually someone swooping in and taking my kid for doing something to my other kid, which I really didn't like. In a situation where my kid is getting hurt, I swoop in and pick up my kid and ignore the other kid.
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I would NEVER stand for some other child coming at my kid with a closed fist - never never never. I'd react the same. And if the other parent snarked to her friends about it, I'd probably loudly tell my child to stay away from that child, as he wasn't being very nice. Because sometimes I think you have to fight asshole with asshole.
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@Rockies11: no problem just clarifying. I wouldn't like that either with the expection of our play date mom correcting my boys in terms of their interactions.
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I step in at times, especially to prevent things like hitting. But after being snarky and exasperated with a little girl last year (she wanted my 10 month old off of a toy at the playground so shoved her off and then told her she was annoying), I realized they're still little and all diff combos of sweet and assholes and even if a kids asshole side was coming out to address the issue but still treat them in a way to help them get back to their sweet side.
As for the mom making a comment I'd probably ignore it - I'm 100% ok with not everyone liking me. Her friends prob thought 'well your kid did push the kid' even if they didn't say it to her.
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@Maysprout: her group defiantly didn't look impressed with her response.
@sarac: It made the rest of the visit to the zoo a little less fun. Apparently we were going around the same path of zoo so there was a lot of huffing done by the other mom and rude looks. We just ignored them. -
@MrsRcCar: I would do just as you did!! Totally justified in my opinion. When it comes to the safety of my child, the last thing I'm concerned about is how someone else is or isn't parenting their child. I too would swiftly step in and protect my very young child. When I've felt my child is in danger I have absolutely reprimanded the offending child while diffusing the situation. Zero tolerance over here.
Good job mama bear!
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I would have reacted similarly. An older/bigger kid shoving my kid down and about to punch him? Um no. The other mom is in the wrong for not supervising, and then acting put out.
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@mediagirl: "There is no reason to get defensive about someone else parenting your kid when you aren't paying attention to your kid. Sensory issues, emotional issues, I don't care. If I'm not watching my kid and she does something mean to another kid, I want another parent to tell her that's not nice!" EXACTLY.
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