This feels like a weird question to ask but as I read things about helicoptering and snowplowing and all the other overinvolvement sins, I’m wondering how to foster independence in a kid who doesn’t seem to want any. My 6 year old refuses to learn how to shower, for example. She doesn’t care to pick out her own clothes or get dressed herself (and when we force her she drags it out). We have tried chores and responsibilities and she has zero interest nor is motivated by rewards, allowance, etc. We’ve tried making it fun, appealing to her big girl side and nothing. I don’t want to get punitive so I’m wondering if others found things that work to encourage more independence? She’s an only kid so that probably doesn’t help much either because she doesn’t have to share our attention though as two full time working parents and awful commutes, I really would love to have her more involved in our day to day.
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Hmmm...if you could choose three things (to start) that you'd want her to do, what would they be?
I think I'd probably just choose them and stick to them firmly. If getting dressed is one, I'd say, if you don't get dressed, we'll have to go ____ in your pajamas. And then follow through (I'd probably start this on a weekend and when you're going someplace she wants to go...) You can't say you won't go, because then school day will roll around, but if she knows you meant business for two days, she'll probably get herself dressed by Monday
It may take some creative natural consequences, but we can help you think of them! (I'm trying to think about showering, since she may not feel that natural consequence quickly enough...)I did work with a first grader who wouldn't get a lot of things done on her own (she ended up being diagnosed with ADD, but we made progress before that as well.) We sent her home with a special stuffed animal and had her do all the things with her stuffed animal--her mom even made the stuffed animal PJs
I'm not sure if that would motivate some of the behaviors?
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@Mrs. Carrot: Our son is kind of like this. Also an only child. Not hostile but just not particularly interested in learning to do things on his own. What has helped us SCHOOL. Good old fashioned peep pressure - he comes home telling me all the big kids put on their own shoes and open their own yogurt!
If school isnt helping naturally, maybe you could clue in her teachers and get them to actively work on it.
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Or, depending on your kiddo, could you go the other way? Sometimes we tell each other (regarding our 4 -year-old) "I don't think he knows how to XYZ." We use a joke voice, he knows we don't think it's true, but he loves to prove us wrong. It may not work at her age, but depending on personality, it can be a way to make it fun/a joke.
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One of my kids is like this and we just had to be insistent and consistent. Like for showering we just said, we don’t have time on weekdays for a bath so you need to shower. Turn it on, set a timer. The first few days we really had to be on top of him step by step what to do. But eventually it did become the routine. The key is really consistency. Seriously with every new step to independence it just takes some resolve on our part, walking him through it and sticking with whatever the expectation is. Not my favorite part of parenting but it is our job to teach them so we just do what we have to do.
It may take some creative natural consequences, but we can help you think of them! (I'm trying to think about showering, since she may not feel that natural consequence quickly enough...)
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