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These are all so interesting to read about.
DH's has an uncle who is still living and he had sort of an interesting approach. A few years ago he decided to distribute his inheritances while he was older, but alive, lucid, healthy, and able to make logical decisions. He said he didn't want to make estate decisions in a state of duress or great illness because he may make choices that are too emotional or odd and may hurt people or get swindled by someone in the process. And he didn't want to leave everything to a stranger to deal with after he died, unsure things would go the way he wanted them to. He had no children of his own, so he divided the money he wanted to give out among his nieces and nephews evenly and then was like okay, I'm done, and said he felt totally at peace and would now live on what remained of his estate freely.
My maternal grandfather is wealthy and he has 1 daughter (my mom) and 3 sons. He told her a while back that he was leaving his estate to his 3 sons and that she would not inherit anything when he died. Its purely a sexist decision - he feels that his sons have children and families they have to support and they would carry on the family name, while my mom had married into someone else's family. Even though my parents are poor, my grandfather sees it as my mom having hitched her wagon to the wrong horse and not really his problem. My mom was pretty hurt by that, but it was her father's money so she couldn't say much. That said, she asks him for money all the time because she's broke and frankly she doesn't feel bad about it because of his estate plan. And grandpa grudgingly gives money to her because he realizes she wont get anything once he dies and doesn't expect my uncles to help her out. It sorta sucks too, because my cousins will inherit wealth through their parents from my grandpa, and my brother and I wont, but I guess that's just how it is for us, I guess. I think that's why DH and I really want to leave something for our grandkids rather than our own kids (we'd much rather help our own kids during our lifetime).
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In theory, I feel like an even split is the way to go.
However, as some others have said, I feel like it's someone else's money and therefore it's their decision based on how they perceive the situation.
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Split evenly. Although, I already know I won't inherit anything but debt.
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My parents won't have much but I've already told them I don't want anything. They should spend my part or give it to my siblings. We do fine and my siblings need it more.
That being said, we will split evenly between kids, if we have more than 1.
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I've seen inheritances cause a lot of problems...on one side of the family, a guy who got very angry that his sisters were left in charge of administering the estate (even though he got an equal share), as he felt that as the man, he should make the decisions and receive a larger share (ugh). I also had a relative who'd spent his entire life serving the poor, who didn't have many resources himself, but convinced his wife that she should leave a substantial share of her money (which she'd inherited from her first husband) to reputable charities. Her (already quite wealthy) children from the previous marriage were furious.
I think the hard part of giving your money away before you die is that you don't usually know quite when you will die, or how much end of life care will cost. Ideally I'd like to leave part of my money to charity and split the rest evenly, but that could change based on circumstance. If a child had special needs, I'd leave them more. On the other hand, if they were doing well and didn't need it, I would leave more to charity. There's a lot of people in this world who have major unmet needs, and well-run charities can really have a positive impact.
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@catomd00: to your point about how would parents know their adult kid's situation. If my mom were to get sick now she would have an adult child that she's still paying car insurance for and providing a place for him and his GF to live. So in that case my mom would say my bro needs her help more because she's clearly subsidizing his life.
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Equal distribution. It's the only way, even if there are special needs involved.
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Gosh I can't imagine having it not split evenly, and even with that it comes with issues (my dad and siblings are dealing with land issues now, not as easy to "split evenly" unless you sell.)
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I am pretty sure my parents will split things "evenly" between my sister and I. But given my sister and I's relationship, I know we'd be totally willing to give each other more if either of us are in financial struggles ATM.
For DH's side, it's probably more complicated as they own several properties. I know for sure that they are transferring one house to both my BIL and DH's names; I'm not totally what the plan to do in the end. I know that my SIL won't get as much as DH and my BIL b/c she married out. I know, kinda sexist but that's how their culture works, plus she's the most well off one so I don't think his parents worry about her at all. But BIL is a single dad and we are the "poorest" of the bunch!
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@snowjewelz: Your first paragraph is our situation as well. My parents will split everything evenly and my brother and I are in weirdly equal financial situations, but we all know that if something were to change where one child needs more money, the other sibling would absolutely do the right thing and defer part/all of their portion.
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@Truth Bombs: I love that
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I think an even split is the only fair way to do it. I doubt any parent would want to cause sibling strife after they are gone. I don't believe in leaving more to a child who is "struggling" more -- maybe the more "successful" kid worked really hard! Why should they be penalized? The only reason I could see for a non-even split is if one of the kids is somehow delinquent in which case it could be put in some kind of trust.
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I would be fine with my parents not distributing the money equally among us. In my father's family, two of the children suffered from significant mental illness, enough so that they really couldn't support themselves. My grandfather didn't give them a bigger share of the inheritance directly, but he did leave more to two of my other aunts who were already helping to take care of the two with problems. I think my father's family has some definite dysfunction, but the distribution of resources seems totally "fair" to me if not equal. I don't generally think that equal and fair are the same thing.
My siblings and I are all doing very well financially and are responsible, so my parents will probably just do an even split. But they can do it whatever way they feel like. They already help each of us out in the ways that make them happy and seem to be the best fit for each kid. For example, my parents paid for my brother's undergrad and gave my sister an interest-free loan for law school. I got a scholarship to college and didn't need financial support for my PhD (because I managed to get by on the graduate student stipend), but I am happy for my brother and sister that they got that help, not upset that I didn't get my share.
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My mother taught me that what's fair isn't always even, and even isn't always fair.
With that in mind though, she's tried to divide things as equally as possible. After my dad died, my brother went ahead and moved his family into the house we grew up in (it's historical and would become his eventually, and he was looking for a bigger house and considering building nearby which would have been dumb if he was getting the house anyway). So since he gets the house, it will be hard to make things exactly equal for my sister and I. But I think my parents did their best to divide things fairly.
In the end though, I don't give a crap what I get. I don't want to lose my mother.
And on grandchildren, they won't be considered. They will be given objects and momentos, but is it fair to divide assets for grandchildren when one family has 9 (or more) kids, one has four, and one couple has lost two? And then what about potential children born after a person dies?
My mom ended up giving us each a monetary gift after her mother died and she got her inheritance, but it was her choice to do so and not something our grandparents set out to do. It was something that was really nice to get, but I wouldn't have expected or counted on getting it.
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My parents don't intend to have any money left when they die, but whatever they have left will be split evenly since they don't have a will.
For my kids, we plan to split any remaining money evenly, with the idea that if necessary, the more fortunate child might help out his less fortunate brother. Presumably if we get up there in age and one child needs significantly more help than the other, we'll be helping them out while we are still alive. I can't imagine having a ton of money left over when I die if one of my kids is really in hard times!
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When my grandmother died she left more for my mom as a way of saying thank you. She was the one that in the past 20 plus years helped her out weekly and then daily. My moms brother lives in another state and came up once a year to visit. After seeing all my mom went thru I think that was fair.
As of now my mom plans on splitting things 4 ways btwn her kids.
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When DH's mom passed, she split everything down the middle. My parents plan to do the same. I think I'll probably do that too
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This is a fascinating topic. I think it depends on the family, I am one of four and in my opinion my mom's estate should be divvied up with more going towards my youngest sister because she still lives with my mom and she had major health concerns that may make work hard or impossible during certain phases of her life. I would rather that money be put into a trust for her but I doubt that will happen. I think I would divide it 40/20/20/20 in our case. We are the most financially stable but also the only ones with a child, my mom would want to leave something to my daughter but I would rather she just let us stick some of the money in her college fund.
My in laws estate will be interesting. I can see them dividing money just between their three kids but I can also see them giving a little bit to a lot of different people, namely my mother in law's family- they have all struggled and she has a big sense of responsibility for them.
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Alright I'm going to say it... Best poll ever!!
I think this is my top voted for polls. Yay!Also thanks for everyone's comments! I really liked reading everyone's situations and what they would do.
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A very interesting discussion!
My family has always kind of had money go back and forth between immediate family depending on who needed it, and kind of consider everyone's money family money. So no matter how it was divided, my brother and I would look out for each other.
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@Paddington10: My brother and I certainly wouldn't feel the need to split the money any differently just because one of us had a nicer car or a bigger house. We are entitled to success. But, if I was living comfortably, and my brother was struggling or running himself ragged just to meet the basic needs of his family, I would have no interest in extra money that would make little difference to me but a big difference to him.
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This is interesting to me. I always assumed wills were split up equally among the children (or at least, whatever was designated "for children" was split equally). But talking to my mom a few years ago, she mentioned she was giving two of my sisters more money than me and sister x because they have no other family (whereas sister x and I have a different father from a previous marriage). I could care less about the money, but I was so surprised (and kind of hurt) because it made me feel like they think of sister a and b as more of a family unit than sister x and me. However, at least she was able to explain her rationale and I *kind of* get it. I would have been very hurt if I only found out after she passed because I don't think I would have understood.
My grandmother has told me she is leaving more to sister x than me because she needs it more than I do and that I am completely ok with.
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@Truth Bombs that makes sense. Ideally I would try to leave to my kids equally and try to ensure that they were close enough that one would help the other with that money if they needed it. I just wouldn't want to appear to favor one over the other.
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Equal distribution. In the case where we won't, i would want to discuss it with them so they aren't blindsided.
My parents hold the belief that money should be given now when we need it most, so i know that i have been given more than my sister. However, i told my parents up front that i would never get upset and would fully understand if they left more to my sister in their will. I fully trust my parents to make fair decisions, so i wouldn't question them.
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I would split it evenly. I don't think it's fair for one child to get more than the others and that would probably cause resentment. I would want to do everything I could to keep peace in the family.
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My parents have asked us if we would be ok with a "fair, not necessarily equal" approach. I've told them that I basically expect to be in my 60s or 70s when they pass and I really hope I won't be squabbling with my brothers for their money at that point. If they go sooner I would almost certainly receive the smallest share since my husband and I are doing significantly better then my one brother (our household income is problem 3-4x) and the other two are still high school/college, so they would need support.
My MIL is definitely of the even split school of thought. She gave my BIL some money to pay off credit cards quite a few years back and she saved the same amount of money for my husband which we used as a downpayment on our first house. She considered this their "inheritance" from their grandparents who had passed years earlier. I'm sure it will be very evenly split in her will as well, but I'd be surprised if she has any significant assets to pass on.
My FIL definitely won't have anything to leave. We'll probably support him towards the end of his life.
I have no idea what we'll do with my kids (currently have 2). I'd love to do an even split but I think its so circumstancial.
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My parents are doing even split between the 3 of us, regardless of who needs it more/ would manage it best. The only exceptions are certain heirlooms that are supposed to be for each of us (for instance, my brother is the only boy and is also has the same name as my dad and grandpa, so he will get everything with our last name on it. My sister and I will probably get all of the jewelry because my brother has repeatedly said he doesn't want or need any). My parents have always been super generous and have given help to everyone when they needed it. I don't think they are "keeping score" of whose college cost more or who needed help with rent one time or anything.
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The way I have seen this work in some of my family (and what makes a lot of sense to me) is to start with the presumption of splitting assets evenly between descendants, but having major gifts and assistance given during one's lifetime count "against" the share of the inheritance. So, if parents give one sibling money for grad school or a down payment, but not to the other, that amount is "deducted" from anything that would be left to that sibling. Not a strict accounting, just an acknowledgement that more has been given to some children than to others while the parents are alive.
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@lady baltimore: yes, I've seen this happen - parents have given one child a substantial amount that they may have needed, and "compensated" by reducing that amount they are given in their inheritance, and stating why in the will. *ahem* a certain uncle who is a bit of a deadbeat and drains granny's finances is receiving much less in the will and he knows it.
My mother has her assets split 50/50 with my brother and I, and we are both on her power of attorney - we joke that she better not upset us or we will both co-sign have her locked up in a horrid home and drain her bank account (horrid children!). My in-laws are the same, split 3 ways but with conditions as one child has received more "help" so far.
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I think accounting for need is totally okay. I don't feel like everything in life is always going to be equal but that doesn't make it unfair. I see a parent's job more as giving each child what that individual child needs rather than worrying about keeping everything equal. If I'd only gotten an undergrad degree my parents would've spent a lot more on my brother. He went to a private college and they paid a lot towards that as well as bailing him out of some financial situations a few times whereas I went to a state school. But then I decided to go to law school and they wanted to help so as it turns out they spent more on me. I don't think my brother feels like they should write him a check equal to the amount they spent on law school for me.
That's an aside but point being-- parents do what kids need. If one kid needs more money for some reason I think it is totally fine to allocate more there. I'd just make it clear to the other sibling why that was happening so there were not hard feelings.
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Well, this is a super real issue in my family. I have a sister with severe mental illness. She can't really live on her own without supervision and can't really work (maybe a very simple part time job or volunteering) and support herself. She lives with my mom now and is turning 30 this year. She will always need to live with someone or live in some kind of facility (which is $$$$$) or she would end up on the streets, without a doubt--we've been down that road before.
I've asked my mom to PLEASE put anything/everything she may have left over into a trust for my sister, with me or my other responsible sister as a trustee that can give funds to my sister (who would surely waste it all or give it to "friends" if she had it all at once).
But I think she is still thinking of doing an even split, thinking that all the siblings will just work out who will take care of my sister. The problem is--that's total fantasy land. We are 6 kids and at least 3 siblings would never take care of her--they are either not financially stable themselves, not willing, or just too flaky. That leaves my one responsible sister and my--we both have 2 kids-why should we shoulder all the financial responsibility ourselves?
The last I heard, my mom was talking about making my brothers (btw--the two that would NOT be helping my sister) as the executers of her estate. I wasn't hurt when she told me that, just bewildered. I did tell her flat out that in my opinion, that was a terrible decision, and that I know it's because my mom is a 1950s throwback that thinks men do all the "business stuff". But like....augh. My brothers, as much as I love them, do not do shit for my mom. They don't call her, she calls them. If she had a horrible accident tomorrow and had to move in with someone, it would be either my sister or me, not them. When she passes, and someone has to clean our her house and sell things, it's not going to be my brothers, it's going to be us!
The whole situation is kind of ridiculous. So yeah, in our situation, I don't think an even split is good for anyone, although I'm sure 3 of my siblings (the ones who don't do anything) would love it.
I don't want any money for myself--I just want it put aside for my sister who needs it.
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My widowed MIL is considering remarrying, and her prospective fiance is pressuring her to do so without a prenup. They each have one child. My husband will be LIVID if she doesn't get a prenup because otherwise there is a big risk that his inheritance will go to the fiance's daughter. Sigh.
I think this is my top voted for polls. Yay!
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