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@MrsADS: I think it’s probably the harder side of the typical spectrum. Kids can be hard, and some are harder than others. About the overtired thing—what time does he go to bed? What’s the overall sleep like?

My 3.5 year old can have stretches of days where she’s extremely tantrummy-also refuses to eat a lot. We end up feeding her constantly ourselves (like picking up the fork and feeding her) or letting her do distracted eating, like we let her color at the dinner table and we just pop bites in her mouth. It is super annoying, but I remember my oldest being this way with food too—suddenly around 5, she always ate by herself (at a normal pace, not having to waste over an hour on mealtime), so I assume my 3 hour old will be out of this stage eventually.

My kiddo also behaves at school, and saves all her tantrums for us. I just had to carry her screaming out of the park/playground last week.

@Foodnerd81: we do guided breathing too! Mainly when DD2 is having a tantrum and just can’t gather herself back together. We do “take a deep breath through your nose and smell the flowers. Now blow out trough your mouth and blow out the birthday candles”. We do that 3-4 times and it really helps. They do it at school so maybe that’s why—or maybe it’s just a distraction. Either way, it stops DD2 from spiraling.

It does sound Normal to me. DS is a lot like this, just turned 4 last month. I had to cut tv out in the am on week days. Even though it was what was helping me keep my sanity since I was pregnant with #3, it just started his bad mood/ behavior so I cut it. Mornings are hit and miss now but better. Daddy doing anything is always the end of the world, we have slowly made progress with this because we had to since the baby arrived. It just is the only option, he still throws a fit bit we explain it is what is is and daddy does stuff just as good. The only thing that we have found that helps us sometimes is music. It helps us all in the house really, just put pandora on and sing and dance.

@MrsADS: I think I've mentioned this before so feel free to ignore, but has he be evaluated for sensory processing issues? O is incredibly strong willed as well, plus trauma, and while her issue isn't tantrums so much, there are days/weeks at a time where she spends what seems like a majority of time dysregulated. Which is what sounds like is happening with your son. His dysregulated just looks different than hers (hers is more of tune out, ignore everything said to her, refuse to cooperate, some aggression toward the dogs or sister). So I would look for reasons why he's dysregulated so much. Could be sensory, could be diet, could be just him right now (I agree that this may just be on the more difficult side of normal) but either way, it might help to investigate and learn ways to help him co-regulate. Someone else mentioned no drama discipline, which is great. I'd also recommend The Whole Brain Child. I felt more relaxed about parenting as soon as I started reading it. I think one think important to remember is that while it may not be pathological, it also doesn't have to be so hard and is worth looking into some solutions.

What you described is mashup of the issues I’ve has with my 2 boys, which has been a combination of sensory issues (my oldest) and strong willed/ mama preference (my youngest).

For my oldest who has sensory issues, it has gotten so so much better at nearly 5 years old, but we still have our days (he is in a PreK with teachers trained to help with his issues).

For my youngest we are in thick of it, but most of our issues I think are extreme side of normal with him and just exasperated because of his mama preference (which he just started growing out of in past month hallelujah!)

@MrsADS: Have you checked out The Explosive Child? I haven't read it yet, but it's been highly recommended in multiple parenting groups I'm in, some of which are for gifted kids. You mentioned your son is advanced - often the more advanced or gifted they are, the more intense and sensitive they can be, which manifests differently in each individual. Sometimes what looks like sensory issues or ADHD, etc. from the outside is actually just a part of their giftedness. What has worked well for my kid is *extreme* predictability, consistency, and lots of empathy (and cutting out AM TV). It's exhausting, but it's gotten a lot better (LO is 4.5).

In terms of the sleep/tiredness issue, have you tried pushing back bedtime by half an hour or so? My daughter had a similar sleeping pattern at that age (but was clearly tired/irritable), and pushing bedtime back finally broke the cycle of overtiredness. With the earlier bedtime, she wasn't sleepy enough to sleep through her natural bout of wakefulness at 5.30am, so that's when she got up. But after we moved bedtime back, she slept right through 5.30 and she got 1-1.5 hours more of sleep.

This sounds SO much like my son, who is now 6. He was chronically overtired which led us to start talking to our doctor at 2/3. The exhaustion exasperated some underlying sensory processing issues. He was recently just diagnosed with ADHD as well.

We started with a developmental pediatrician at 3 which led us to OT and medication to help with sleep. We started on Hydroxyzine (which is an antihistimine) at 4 after using benadryl intermittently when things got really hard. The medication quite literally changed our life within a couple weeks. He's been taking sleep meds for almost 2 years and might forever. If they aren't sleeping, they can't function. Their brains cant grow, they can't learn, and it's hard on every person on the family. Their little bodies are in the fight/flight panic mode all the time. Our sleep specialist who we have also seen a few times told me that the research is revealing a new sleep disorder that looks similar to restless leg syndrome that seems to appear a lot with kids with other neuro disorders (autism, and, adhd), which causes their sleep to be less restful even when they technically get enough hours. The sleep medicine relaxes their body enough that they get deeper sleep. It isn't an official diagnosis, but it makes sense. LOTS of spd/adhd/autistic kids struggle with sleep too.

Just a few months ago we also tried a medication for ADHD and that was the other missing piece of the puzzle. Overnight he became a "typical" kid. It still blows my mind. Hes still a kid who challenges me constantly and is really strong willed but it is NOT the same as the constantly screaming overwhelmed with the world constant meltdowns.

I know what you mean when you say he Is miserable 90% of the time (I remember that time SO vividly) and I do not think that qualifies as part of the range of typical behavior. The most profound moment of my parenthood career was when we went to his OT for the first time and she looked at me and said, "Wow this is hard. You are working really hard to help him and I see you. It doesn't have to be this hard. We can help". Parenting any kid is hard but it is not supposed to be THIS hard. It gets so much easier when you get the sleep under control and then can work on triggers and figure out what is causing the dysregulation. I would highly recommend talking to your ped Also, I have a bunch of blog posts I've written during this entire process of figuring him out. If you want to chat more feel free to wall me You are not alone momma and you are doing such a good job.

I didn’t read the other responses but this sounds 100% gaps to me. Look up Gut and psychology syndrome- it’s an umbrella term that covers adhd/sensory processing/autism/anxiety and more. In my opinion if you take care of the food issues the rest will fall into place much more easily. ( I’m not discounting the behavioral aspects and therapies available just that what I have learned and seen is that you really need to tackle the root cause). And yes definitely nix the screen time. hope this helps!