Not sure if anyone here is a Bower Power fan. I read it sometimes and found a part of the latest post kind of interesting. It seems they had long-term houseguests and instituted a rule that opposite sex spouses could never be alone together. I mean I can understand where they are coming from but honestly I was surprised to read that. It's not a rule I would ever think of unless there was some type of history with a specific person. Is this something that you follow in your relationship?
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No, we don't have rules like that. One of my bffs is a guy!
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We don't have rules like that. But honestly, DH doesn't get to see his friends that often since we had kids and moved. No time and it's not his priority. I wouldn't care though. These women have been his friends a LONG time way before we got together. They would have hooked up before if they wanted to.
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My DH on his own expressed when we got married that, from a respect standpoint to me, he was not comfortable being with a friend of the opposite sex alone if he could help it. He's given rides to some women we know but he always asks me first if it would be okay. He also works from home a lot and he wasn't comfortable hiring a nanny (we have my mother) unless she was like a grandmotherly type. But he's super old school and thinks it's inappropriate.
ETA: I hang with guy friends alone occasionally but they are all gay so I don't know if that makes a difference. We typically always hang with our friends together as a couple.
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It is totally OK! I just encouraged my husband to take his ex girlfriend with him to a football game, because it's pouring down rain and I would rather binge watch Law and Order during nap time than stand in the rain. Granted, we're both friends with her, and she's married (and pregnant) herself, but I can't see why hanging out with someone of the opposite sex would ever been seen as a problem in our marriage regardless of if it is a mutual friend or not.
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@skipra: I read that post today too and was a bit befuddled. I feel like they were worried about what people might say? But I really don't know how anyone would know and/or care if say she and their friend's husband were alone in the kitchen for 10 minutes or something. Who cares?! That being said, we don't have any kind of rule. I think DH will run things by me if he's going to do something 1:1 but I generally don't care. He's in a female dominated field and he was the only male in his graduate class, internship and now fellowship, so if I cared that much I'd have a lot of issues!
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We have that rule. No history of anything, but because J is a pastor, we like to be careful. Especially because he works with teens. So, we're not alone one on one with the opposite sex, unless they are circumstances beyond our control. So if, for example, a male coworker needed a ride home from work and I was the only one available, I'd call to check in with J before I offered.
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One of DH's best friends is a woman he grew up with and even had a crush on in highschool but honestly, I don't care if they are alone together. They even went on a weekend trip together to see an old friend of theirs and stayed in the same hotel room. And guess what, I didn't care. I know they are only friends. And that's all they will be. I trust him and, honestly he is a terrible secret keeper so if he ever did actually do anything, he would cough it up when he talked in his sleep.
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@gingerbebe: I can totally understand the hot nanny thing! That is totally different than hanging out with a friend that is living in your house!
@MenagerieMama: DH works very closely with a single girl and sometimes they have to work alone on Saturdays or whatever. I think he would get fired if that was not allowed in our marriage!
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@Mrs. Oatmeal: That's interesting. One of my friends is a pastor but she never mentioned anything about that. I never even thought about that aspect.
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@skipra: yep, a lot of people think we're overly cautious. But it works for us.
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@Mrs. Oatmeal: Maybe I'm totally ignorant, but why does being a pastor make it different? Is it worrying about what people will say? Or are there some kind of rules? I never thought about that! I think I can see the teen thing though, makes sense. DH works with kids so he has to always keep professional boundaries there.
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Nope. No rule of this sort. We had friends stay with us for a couple weeks while they were between houses. It would never even cross my mind to institute any sort of rules surrounding being around each other in any combination.
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Nope no rules for us! Had a play date w my bffs dh last month!
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No we don't have any rules for each other or our relationship. I'm not into anyone trying to control my friendships. You either trust me or you don't.
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@MenagerieMama: it's just the idea of being above reproach. Say J and a female friend were out for coffee. All it takes is for someone to see and think the wrong thing, (or for an accusation to be made), and his whole reputation and integrity are called into question. Would that happen? Maybe not, but it's better for us to just avoid it all together.
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No, it's never even crossed my mind... I definitely don't think this would fly in my relationship.
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No need for rules like that, because both of us are able to be around members of the opposite sex and not accidentally have sex with them. Or purposefully have sex with them. Or even be sexually attracted to all members of the opposite sex.
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Why have longterm houseguests if you can't trust them with your spouse? That seems strange to me.
My DH has taken our kids to several playdates where the other childrens' parent was a mom. He's better friends with some of our daughter's classmate's moms than I am! He also goes and gets lunch with female coworkers. This is not weird to me at all. Having a rule like that raises some red flaga, IMO.
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We don't have rules per se, but I have to say I agree with their communication and boundary setting in this instance. For me, it would feel inappropriate to be alone in a home-like environment with someone of the opposite sex (and I would feel like it was equally inappropriate if my husband did the same). It doesn't really have anything to do with not trusting my husband or myself; more just not putting ourselves in situations that could ever be potentially harmful to our relationship.
When thinking about this question, I also thought that while I might talk to male coworkers or male friends about things like fantasy football, work, etc, I don't have personal conversations with them about my relationship or my feelings, dreams, etc. Just feels wrong to me, and like something I should reserve for my husband and close girl friends.
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No official rules for us, but I respect that the best policy for many couples is to avoid circumstances where mistrust/jealousy/temptation could have a chance to develop.
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No, not a rule for us. If you can't trust your spouse to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, you probably have bigger problems to deal with.
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@mrsrain: Well said.
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Wow I just had to go read that. Seems bizarre, especially under the circumstances. And with what... SEVEN kids in that house to chaperone? lol
No we do not have this rule. One of my best friends is a guy. Who is also now a good friend of my husband's. More often we hang out as couples but I used to work at home and now SAH and my friend has a sort of irregular work schedule. So us going to lunch just the two of us, or having lunch at one of our houses or the other is not at all unusual. My husband doesn't happen to have female friends, but I wouldn't care if he did.
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We don't have opposite sex friends but if we did I think it would be ok. We're not the jealous type and we're both clear on what type of interactions would be acceptable.
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This was something that was totally the norm in my family growing up. Or still is, rather, but I've moved away from it. Honestly, it seems really absurd to me. I'm just not worried about DH, or me. It's perfectly reasonable for adults of the opposite gender (or same, in cases of non-hetero folks!) to be friends without any sexual component to their relationship. It seems really unhealthy to me to need to ban yourself or your spouse from being alone with anyone. ETA- Also, my DH has slept with my best friend in the past (long story, but it was not anything I have ANY issues with), and I still trust them alone together, even if they were drinking.
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@yoursilverlining: this.
I read that post this morning and thought that was really strange. DH and I have no rules.
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No rules for us and I have no concerns about something like that.
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Nope. M travels for work and stayed overnight at a mutual friends condo on several occasions- she was a bridesmaid in our wedding.
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No rules like that. Sometimes it seems like these sorts of rules introduce a strange sexual element where there wouldn't be in the first place. Like, we have some really religious family members and I can't even give the males a hello hug because they won't touch members of the opposite sex. I wasn't lusting after that 13-year-old cousin but thanks for making it weird.
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We don't have many friends, and have never discussed this, but I am pretty old school and have avoided being alone with non relative men in a few situations, even at work.
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No rules like that. And honestly, I could not be in a relationship with somebody where I felt like those kind of rules would be required. We trust each other so there is no reason to limit who we interact with.
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Wow! Everything @yoursilverlining said. This wouldn't ever occur to me. My best friend is a (straight, married) woman. I'm gay. Also married. We hang out alone together all the time. My wife encourages it. I think it would be weird if she had an issue with it!
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What about part of work? If their basement friends were any other tenant and needed a fix, would they have to wait to go down until the other male was there also? Or both wives? At work, can you have a meeting with another person?
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We don't officially have that rule, but I always check in with T if I need to give/get a ride with a male coworker (both of us only have one car and we travel a fair bit for events). It doesn't really bother me if other couples have an official rule or don't care at all.
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No rules. I would be so pissed off if DH tried to impose something like this!
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Yes. He's been around my friends a bunch when I'm not there and it doesn't worry me.
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I think it's a ridiculous rule.
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We don't have rules like the Bower Power. But, I have had to discuss what is acceptable along the lines of @mrsrain: comments. I personally would not invite back someone, male or female, to my home that I felt was disrespectful in my home- dressed inappropriately or had overtly sexual conversation.
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But what about being with a member of the same sex, if that person is gay? Lol.
Yeah, we don't have rules like that. If someone is trustworthy, they're trustworthy, and if they want to have an affair, they'll find a way.
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