I know there is no “normal” but...
How often do you and your SO have sex and are you happy with that amount?
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I think you either need more options or we are very outside the ordinary! It’s a new ordinary for us, after the second child’s pregnancy and birth, but... she’s 9m old so that’s way over a year! And no I am not happy with it, but also don’t have any desire to change it if that makes sense. I just tell myself it’s a season of life and I have hopes that after other aspects of our life change, so will both sides of this “situation”.
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@mrsbubbletea: I will add more options!!!
Yea when I had my son we didn’t have sex for about a year because I was nursing and had ZERO desire!
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Depends on where in my cycle we are 🤣
Fertile week: 5x?
Non fertile: 1-2x a week, not counting shark week because that's hit and miss
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@Sams Mom: 🤣
so accurate!!!
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@Portboston: thanks for saying that
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I voted 1x/week. We probably average 1-2x/week when not TTC.
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About 2x a month currently. Not happy with it but while we talk about changing it to 2x a week it just ... doesn’t happen.
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@mrsbubbletea: hell, I was put on pelvic rest @ 20 weeks with my son, and didn't have sex until he was 5-6 months old (after I got my PPD/PPA in check). At my 6 week follow up when I had my birth control put in I had to have a pregnancy test done first. I told the nurse that unless it was emmaculate conception there was no way in hell I was pregnant. I don't know how anyone has sex that fast, and I had a c-section
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We make it a priority! We have crazy schedules but we make it work! 3-4x a week! After baby it was difficult for me to adapt but we got back in the groove of things! Adapting with a 13 month old is life but we just find it imperative for the marriage!
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Alright, so we "aim" for 1x a week (like totally in theory,) but it probably actually happens 1-2x a month. I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant and between the discomfort, awkwardness, etc...its just not happening.
Even when not pregnant, I could go FOREVER without. I have a really low drive I guess (and I also take Zoloft,) and it literally never crosses my mind aside from thinking "it's been forever, poor DH." I enjoy it when it actually happens...but I am never in the mood.
He's really kind and patient about it but I feel bad because he has a MUCH higher drive and physical touch is his "love language." I don't know how to fix it... -
@crazydoglady: Maybe try scheduling it in! We had to do that once I felt comfortable after LO. Low drive, uncomfortable etc but after that it got better and went back to being a priority!
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@cake2017: Yeah, maybe...it still gets put to the backburner because I never want to!
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We currently average about 1x/week. 3-4x/week during the ovulation period. It really just depends on our schedules and DH's work. I have the higher drive and it's taken a lot of compromise and learning what works or helps to get to where we're at. We are comfortable for now.
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I would say somewhere between 1x a week or once every 2 weeks, depending on what's going and how tired we are. I think we'd both prefer once a week, but it doesn't always happen.
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We have sex at least 5x a week. But we've always been like that and only flagged some after having a kid. (We did go probably 4ish months without after we had lo but mostly because it was uncomfortable for me the couple times we tried before then) I don't have quite as high as drive after baby but still there most of the time
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1-2x/week here and we are happy with that. We have settled into a routine of weekend sex during nap time and we usually take a quick nap after too. Everyone wakes up happy hahah. I’m too tired to do it at night and ds wakes up earlyyyyyy.
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Right now it's been maybe once a month which sucks but I am 33 weeks, it's hot and I'm swollen, sore & tired.
In the last year or more we had Thursday nights scheduled. If it happened more that was great but it definitely helped having time set aside. We did that because one of us always seemed to be too tired or busy and it worked.
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@crazydoglady: we have this problem but opposite. It’s taken a TON of work. But the way I look at it, no one ever says “geez I really wish I didn’t have sex today!” And in my experience, even if you don’t have the urge, once you get going it’s fun!
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@Portboston: maybe a handful of times in the past year? It’s been an extremely difficult year for our relationship. His chronic low drive contrasted with my high (and rising) drive has been devastating for me.
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@Autumnmama79: that is SO SO HARD. We’ve been dealing with mismatched libidos for almost our entire relationship (8 years). Mine is the higher of the two. It’s exhausting and defeating.
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@Portboston: same, it’s been an issue throughout our relationship. It has become a more serious and pronounced problem coupled with our other relationship struggles.
Defeating is the certainly the right word to describe having a higher drive than your dh.
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@Autumnmama79: I walled you
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@Autumnmama79: and @portboston: this is so true. Even when you know that the guy always wanting it more is a myth and there's tons of women who say that they have a higher sex drive, it is still so hard to deal with when you want more sex than your partner. I still am not sure if it's an initiation thing or a sex drive thing, but I've had to deal with being the one to more frequently initiate sex during our relationship.
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@Portboston: I guess we just need to schedule it because DH has said that he is " always in the mood" and I am never in the mood. We can go without forever because I am the one to bring it up when I feel bad. He has literally never brought up our lack of sex on his own accord, but I know it bothers him.
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@Chuckles: sorry, that’s hard. The absolute worst is when you work up the courage to initiate but get turned down - humiliating.
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Sometimes it’s 2x in a day 2 days in a row. Sometimes its 1-2 times a month. Shrug.
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@Autumnmama79: @Portboston: @Chuckles:
Dude, samesies over here. I feel like I'm so alone in being the one with the higher sex drive in the relationship. I've cried many tears in the past 10 years over this.
"The absolute worst is when you work up the courage to initiate but get turned down - humiliating." - this speaks to me WAY too much.
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1-2x a week probably. I'd be happy with a lot less, but Hubs would be happier with a lot more, so I guess this is our compromise.
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In prime baby/pregnancy years, I think once a week is respectable and twice is good. More than that, I’m impressed
@ALV91711: I’m 37 weeks and the last time we tried we were both like... this is not great. At least we agree. I was pretty much like, okay see you after Thanksgiving or possibly after Christmas if I need more pelvic floor rehab like after last time, blah. I want my body back !
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@Autumnmama79: @Portboston: I am also the one with the higher drive and the one who remembers when we last had sex. I will mention to my husband oh its been x weeks since we had sex and he responds with has it really it doesn't feel that long. We have had many discussions and many tears over this. 9 months postpartum I think we have had sex 2 or 3 times. We used to be at least a 1-2x a month couple. Physical touch and quality time are my love languages so its tough. He really hates scheduled sex but we have tried (and obviously did so TTC) and so we always get off schedule after a few times. Its so hard trying to figure this out.
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@snarkybiochemist: @Autumnmama79: @Chuckles: @Portboston: same here. Society teaches us men should always want it, and so if they don't, it makes us think something is wrong with them or us. I also think a little of my drive is fostered by stereotypical expectations as well, like, "we should have sex more often because that's what good couples do." I really have to step back, be reflective, and deliberately counter the mental background assumptions.
DH initiates maybe once every 4-5 months. We've talked about it a ton but I don't think it will ever change due to his religious upbringing and "go with the flow" attitude- he let's others take the lead.
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@Chuckles: @Purpledaisy: @snarkybiochemist:
@Autumnmama79:It’s SO common. Many of my girl friends are the higher sex drives in the relationship.
DH and I have spent 5 years in therapy on and off strictly for this reason. It’s made a huge difference for us. We’re far from perfect but he very rarely rejects me now (where he used to all. the. time.) and he sees my point of view way more then he ever used to.
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@DesertDreams88: my husband is definitely laid back as well so it takes a LOT for him to initiate. He also has low testosterone which he’s FINALLY treating. I’m hoping that makes a difference.
I’ve definitely tried to step back as well to think about my intentions and expectations and I’ve realized it’s really because I want it that much and that’s how I connect.
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Most of our marital tiffs end up being about this, so we aim for 1x a week or more. So sometimes it's 2x or more a week, sometimes it's 0x a week. It was important for DH to realize that with 2 young kids and very full (aka chaotic) life, he has to understand that sometimes we just won't get around to it (for example, the girls just gave me their colds and I feel pretty crappy so...) but also for me, my drive is like non-existent after 2 kids and I have to remember that we need to be intimate often.
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We typically have sex 2-3x a week. DH pretty much always initiates because I would be fine with 1x a week or less. My libido is awful. I should probably start reading some trashy romance novels to help.
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@josina: the Outlander book series was great for our sex life for the time it took me to read the 8 books that are out
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I find it very hard to switch from mommy/care giver to sexy/wanna jump my man..... and I also feel that this is a phase. Albeit a phase with less sex. I am ok with it, physical touch is not my love language and I am 100% comfortable in myself and my marriage so it never bothers me. DH's drive fluctuates.... he takes a bunch of meds and he yo-yo's with his weight so I feel like that affects his drive.
I feel bad bc sometimes I reject him bc I am just too tired and I just don't feel like it. But I know that is hurtful bc I tried to initiate a few times and he rejected me and I haven't really initiated since!! We also did a stint of timed intercourse and IUI's so that was different.....
I fully suspect once our kids our older and I feel more into it and less like a constant kid pillow our #"s will increase.
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@Portboston: It is common but so under talked about. We have worked so hard on our communication around sex and our needs and expectations. We try to make time to connect and be physically connected even if we aren't having sex to fulfill my physical touch needs and also to explore intimacy in other ways. If I start telling my husband I miss him (we live together and neither of us travels for work) it makes both of us realize we need to have a night to connect with each other even if no sex is involved, this helps get couple time needs met and also can spark a conversation about sex and where we are with it.
I also take matters into my own hands because sometimes I just want to have an orgasm regardless of my husbands desire for sex and this helps keep the resentment at bay. (god I sound like a stereotypical man) -
@Ajsmommy: This resonates with me so much. I am not a physical touch person (not a person with a "bubble" but physical touch doesn't do much for me to feel connected to them. I feel connected with quality time and acts of service. So, when DS was a baby, I would be seriously "touched out." While I get that breastfeeding/constantly holding a baby and sexually intimacy are totally different, it just always felt like another thing added to my list. I agree that this is all a phase (hopefully!)
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