Hellobee Boards

@LCTBQE: Ummm...yes. I actually got pretty close to tears the last time (it was THAT bad.) I told DH that I am totally down for naked cuddles while watching Great British Bake Off, taking a shower together etc, but as far as I am concerned, my parts are non-existent.
This all may be TMI, but whatever.

@Sams Mom: lol. Just realized I only made it through book 5 so might as well start reading that series again.

@codeitall: yea I don’t think we talk enough / acknowledge how much nursing really affects your drive. Now that I’ve gone through having my first who I nursed a little over two years I know with the second (who is 5 months) that this is just a phase which really will get better.

I am not great about initiating these days bc tired, nursing and so it just doesn’t occur to me. But I do try to almost always say yes if he initiates bc I know it will be fun. I also am using estrogen cream this time while I’m nursing to help w discomfort that was an issue last time (which I blamed more on my iud but my dr told me your estrogen levels are basically menopausal when you’re nursing). Anyway that way when I do say no I feel like my DH understands and isn’t hurt bc it’s rare.

When I'm not pregnant or dealing with a newborn its about once a week. Right now? Maybe twice a month. We are both fine with it, and our relationship is great.
Its only a problem if its a problem for one of you. I don't hold our relationship up to imagined standards, and sex isn't the only (or even most important) way that we connect/stay close. We're lucky to have similar sex drives right now, I guess!

@pachamama: I think there is also something to be said for all people needing to find new ways to be sexual after the identity shifts that come with aging and parenthood. But I don't like to put pressure on myself. The mood still strikes me sometimes, and we schedule it when its been a long time. I view this as a season, and since we are both pretty content with how things are, I"m fine with waiting it out.
I also have to say, and I mean this in no way as a degradation to other people's relationships, I'm pretty grateful that the best and most important part of my relationship with my husband is that he is my friend. The sex is like a bonus. All the laughing and the conversations and the mutual hard work and respect are the parts that feel best to me.

Lately I feel like there have been a bunch of circumstances conspiring against it being that enjoyable. LO's crib is in our room - the only one with AC that's not miserably hot - so that's one strike against it since we can't even use our bedroom (or at least I'd rather not). We're using condoms - which neither of us like - as I already have low milk supply and didn't want to risk making it worse with hormonal birth control. Plus, there's what nursing does to my drive and the fact that there's still some residual discomfort from tearing down there. By the time I get LO to bed and take care of all the chores/shower, there's not much time to just sit down for a minute and relax, which tbh is more appealing to me now than sex. I try to suck it up once a week because I know my husband still enjoys it, but tbh I don't really enjoy it.

@Portboston: No issues per se. Just life with a 3 year old and a pregnant lady. This (drive) has always been a thing. At least the last number of years. It's just life - by the time we're done with her bedtime, dinner, etc. we usually both just want to go to bed. So it's partly us not prioritizing...

@Portboston: Totally- I don't mean to imply its NOT important. It was just a helpful reframe for me, I used to feel a lot pressure to have sex a certain amount, a certain way, etc. Its been helpful for me to focus on the parts of my relationship that really feel good and not worry about a prescribed amount of sex, you know?

Ahhh, this is always such a hard topic... and we find it hard to talk to each other about, which makes it worse! I'm 9 weeks postpartum with baby #2, and we've had sex twice in the last week (for the first time since delivery). Our frequency has been all over the place during marriage... 1x/week for a long time, then a lot less after baby #1 was born. I got kind of upset when I was pregnant with #2 because my husband basically quit initiating anything with me, and he said he just didn't want to bother me with it because he knew I was tired... true, but I feel like he's not interested/doesn't find me attractive if he doesn't initiate things.

Since then, things did get somewhat better and I think we are trying to make it more of a priority, as much as that's possible with 2 kids. I would say 1x/week is probably the goal. For a long time, I was pretty uninterested. This is maybe dumb or TMI but what helped me was reading erotica and just sort of thinking/fantasizing about sex on my own more, so I had it more "on the brain" if that makes sense?!

My current hang-up (and again - maybe this is stupid or superficial or something) - and I feel horrible about it - my husband gained 20-30 lbs during my pregnancy. Which, whatever, obviously I don't have the body I did pre-kids! It's not his new size that is problematic for me, it's more that I feel like he doesn't care about his body anymore. Like I am working hard to exercise, watch my diet, and lose the baby weight. He eats crap and doesn't ever work out (even though he has a super nice fitness center at work he could use for $10/month). I think that is what's kind of turning me off. But I don't even know how to bring it up with him without sounding horrible ("hey, I'm less interested in sex because you've let yourself go!"), so...yeah.

This poll makes me feel SO much better. I think DH and I usually average 3x/week, which I think is pretty impressive since I work quite a few night shifts and aren’t around in the evenings/overnight. I also have a super low sex drive and would be fine having much less sex, my DH would have way more.:: so I guess this is our compromise for now. Good to know that it seems average or even high average (even thought DH is convinced everyone is having sex more than us 🙄)

@crazydoglady: ah, I applaud you but not with you the "we could do other things" activities either makes me want actual sex, or it makes me annoyed and feel like I'm wasting my time. but like others have said, as long as you're both on the same page and no one is getting resentful, who cares?

@periwinklebee: 6 months pp, working FT room sharing and nursing = you should get an award for even *thinking* about sex. this is just a temporary phase! also not to veer off course, but want to encourage you if you still have pain after you stop nursing to consider pelvic floor physical therapy. I had pain and did 5 or so sessions and my therapist healed me about 95%--the tail end of it went away when I stopped nursing, but without it... cringe. for me, I don't think weaning alone would have healed me, maybe you're different though. @Silva: is the one who told me about it! (thank you again).

@FaithFertility: O man! I feel you there! My husband is on 3rds right now, and timing is a pain when I work FT.

@LCTBQE: Thank you!

@MrsADS: Workout together! Take the whole family for a jog or walk every weekend! You can say hey can you workout with me to keep me motivated?! Or say we both need to get “in shape” so let’s try for twice a week or whatever works! ... just an idea!!!! I read working out together increases libido too:)

I'll be honest here. My husband's and my sex life is dependent on many variables. . We went through a HUGE dry spell (11 mos) while I suffered through PPD after the birth of my son .... Once I reclaimed an interest in sex and we decided to try for #3, we have been bunnies . ALSO - Hubby travels A LOT for work and is a reservist (former active duty ARMY) on top of it so that is a huge influence on our BD schedule. Another variable is which week of my cycle we are DTD. The easiest way to illustrate this is to break it down in weekly increments for a 4-week "month." Menstrual week (1) would be maybe 1 or 2 times since I only get a 3-day AF but I spot afterwards. Week 2 is every other day so I will say 3/4 days (depending on my husband's schedule). Week 3 (OV week) is 4/5 days but sometimes, it is twice a day to cover our bases . Week 4 (post OV), I'm so over BD at this point that hubby is lucky to get 1 or 2 romps before AF hits. Lol. On "average" we are a 3x a week solid couple. So, I guess, that is the ebb and flow of "it."
Now, you know entirely too much about my intimate time with the hubby.